Book 3 – Chapter 14 - My Terror and Heartbreak – Excerpt 3-16
1999 July 2 – Powerlessness
I’m afraid to leave with nothing, no home, no job or source of income, no money stashed away and nothing to live on. I sold my company and home one and a half years ago and I’ve basically been living off that. Besides my personal expenses, I’ve invested thousands of dollars in the Heart Centre and have also gone thousands of dollars into credit card debt on top of that. I’ve little money left, $150.00 personal and about $300.00 in the till and that’s it. I was wondering what stuff to get rid of and what to keep, as I’m going to have to look at getting a storage unit. I have to get some boxes and start packing as I don’t want to leave everything until the last minute.
I’m looking at the big red boxing gloves I have that I use when I have clients who were working with anger. I wish I could get angry in this moment but I don’t think or feel that it’s anger that I really feel. I thought of the dream I had with the bear person that terrorized me. I feel it was my Will, or what I think my Will looks like now. She looked angry and frightening because of all the stuff, denials, that I have put into her. I saw her at one time as this beautiful, radiant goddess, dressed in a flowing, gossamer, golden pink gown, but I’ve changed her to this large, hairy, bear like being that I felt just wanted to tear me apart.
I have to stop at the gas station and get some power steering fluid as my steering is beginning to make a sound and I think the fluid level is low. That’s all I need now is to lose my vehicle or have some major repairs come up. That’s a big fear of mine because then I’d really be stuck. I was just thinking that my insurance is now past due, but what can I do. I’ve put a lot of work into this place and I really hoped, (hope is also expectation to replace doubt) that it would work out, build it and they will come. I guess I built it on fears, doubts, denial, guilt and need, on sand and not on love, love for myself. I put myself into the Centre making it, and other people more important than me. So I guess, now I know that’s why it’s not working, no self-love. I even resented that I felt tied to the store, that there is no help and that I have to do it alone. So where is the love in that? Dah! So here we go again, alone. Do I have to do it alone again? Can’t I get help? I want a Centre, friends, true friends, help and sharing, but I’m on my own again, and this time I’m even depending on other people for help as I’m no longer self-sufficient.
Maybe that’s the switch? I’ve never allowed myself, or it’s been hard to get or accept help from other people. I expect help from family but that’s it, and that’s a belief. Well, I guess I’ll just take it a day at a time and see what unfolds. I don’t want to go back to the fake world of working and living as I’ve done in the past. I don’t know how to heal this? There’s so much to do and I feel overwhelmed.
As I’m writing this I see the contradiction in my statement; asking for help and then complaining about the help that I’m getting as it’s not the help I was wanting or expecting. Not the type of help I had control over. I never noticed that before. ♥
1999 July 6 - I’m going to Irene’s today to see about the room. I feel strange and unsure as it’s all new to me. I made up some “Moving Sale” signs for Saturday, and I also went and saw about getting a larger storage unit. I started going through my things and decided that I’m going to get rid of a lot of stuff that I haven’t used for a while or feel I’ll use. I feel impatient now about packing up and moving. The hot water tap in the bathroom started dripping two days ago and today it was running steady just like it was when I moved in. I now turn the water off and on at the shut off valve. I feel the house is lonely and crying, and like the house, I really feel lonely but unlike the house, I don’t want to admit it. I’m frightened of the unknown and I also don’t want to admit that. Right there are examples of two big issues that I’m denying any emotional expression, and what is being reflected to me, loneliness, and fear of the unknown.
I’m wearing the Moose hide moccasins that I made along with an old T-shirt and a pair of old jeans with a torn right knee. I was wondering what Irene would think of me if she saw me now? She’d probably think that I’m really poor. Again, that’s my projection, my fear of what people will think of me and that is fear and denial again. What do I care what people think? That statement is not loving, but rather anger, self-hatred, justification and more denial. I still care about what people think of me by what I have, how I dress, what I drive, how I speak, my hair, etc. I have a ponytail right now and I was thinking of getting it cut off when Jen got her haircut, but I decided to just get three inches taken off. It’s still past my shoulders and I’m going to keep it for a while longer.