Book 3 – Chapter 13 – My First Level of Healing – Excerpt 3-15
Be the Change
1999 Mar. 27 - Do not wait for things to change, the change you’re waiting for will come from within you and not because you’re waiting for something or someone in your lives outside to change. Let life help you take an active part in creating the changes; let the process become magical.
1999 Mar. 28 - I woke up this morning feeling that I was going to write my last will and testament, my end, as there’s no hope for things to change. No one came to the meeting last night, but that was good because there was a part of me that wanted to work on the business books and I needed that time to do so. However, this morning I feel what’s the use, April 1, is coming up next week and I don’t have the money for rent, bills, or even the minimum on my credit cards. I feel I’ll need to declare bankruptcy or sell everything and start over again. The store, the meetings and classes, the rental space, and even my one-on-one sessions haven’t worked. I feel I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time and maybe in the wrong business. Build it and they will come. Well no one’s beating down the door except soon it will be the creditors. I don’t get it, I don’t understand? What am I not getting, not understanding?
Yeah, it’s so simple but what the fuck is it; stop the game. I’m tired of all the bullshit, it’s not fun and it’s certainly not joy. I’m not happy, sure there have been moments but that’s all there is. What’s the fucking mystery, I’m not getting it? What’s the inside joke? I hope you’re having a good laugh. I feel like it’s a game of pin the tail on the donkey and you keep spinning me around, telling me to go this way and then that way just to see me trip and fall on everything in the room.
Later that afternoon I had a couple of one-on-one sessions. Previously I had told one of the women that I might be closing the Centre and told her why. When we finished with our session, she gave me a cheque for $1,000.00. She said it was for future sessions and to help get the Centre through its rough time. I was in tears.