Book 3 – Chapter 11 - The Power of Denial – Excerpt 3- 13
1998 Dec. 8 – My Day in Court
A clause in the business sale agreement stated that full payment of the outstanding balance, by way of the promissory note, was due on Nov. 30th. As a legal formality to that effect, I wrote a registered letter to Ken’s lawyer on Nov. 11, asking that the balance be paid in full on the due date. Today, one day before the trial date, I received a letter from the lawyer stating that they were in receipt of my letter regarding the money owing and that they would be advising the court of their receipt of such certified funds during the trial. I felt a sense of relief as I now felt the court appearance would be a formality and that I would be getting the money that was owed me.
1998 Dec. 10 - In this moment I don’t have anyone that I can really talk to that understands me. Jen decided to go on a three-day silence on her moon time and this is the second day. I feel lost and alone. Today is the day after, the day in court. I felt several things before, during and after the trial, but there are no words to describe how I felt when I heard the judge’s decision. I was in shock, and it wasn’t until I was driving home that I began to get a sense of what had happened. I not only didn’t get my money, but I was also ordered to pay what he claimed I owed him. I had gone to court feeling confident that I would win based on what the pretrial judge had said and also on his lawyers’ previous attempt to get me to walk away, and then the most recent letter I received. I felt that they knew they didn’t have a chance and so I made the assumption that I had won and that the court was just a formality.
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When I got on the stand, I began my presentation by telling the judge, “To make a long story short.” The judge stopped me and commented that that was a good comment and that he’d like everyone to consider that when it was their turn. I felt that I was doing something good and right in the judge’s eyes, but that was just another set-up to sabotage myself. I denied myself in not stating my case the way I did in pre-trial. I ignored reading my notes and the details that I had made from my daytimer. I denied expressing myself even through there were times when I felt I should just read my notes. I dismissed those feelings and went on my mental recall to give a short version, and just presented my case without stating any facts that would win my case or defend me against any counter claim.
That was the start of my denials and in my testimony and cross-examination, I started to omit little things, or I’d agree to half-truths or loosely worded general facts presented by his lawyer. I also denied when I was confused and never asked for clarification, or opposed the lawyers ambiguous questions or twisted statements. This was especially true on the matter of the meeting and agreement regarding the training work and the promissory note, and the fact that it was me that had called him and said, “No note, no work, or I will take you to court,” and not the other way around.
I don’t feel angry in this moment; numb is more like it. ---- to be continued ----
1998 Dec. 30 - I basically haven’t written anything in my daytimer or journal following my court episode. I feel depressed and beaten. I haven’t written much of what I experienced this whole year, except for my messages and then I was too busy to read them, as I was too busy doing and not being. This whole year has been a blur for me.
The following are some of my judgments and beliefs about money.
- * Money is power, the more you have, the more you can do.
- * Money is freedom; you can go anywhere, anytime, and do what you want.
- * Money brings you happiness, people, places and things.
- * People listen and respect you if you have money.
- * Money can do almost anything, as everything has a price.
- * Money talks; put your money where your mouth is.
- * Money can be used for evil, to corrupt and destroy.
- * People with money are sometimes snobs, they use it over people, play games, to control, manipulate and buy people.
- * I never had money as a child, family was poor, and I had to work for the things I wanted.
- * I’m embarrassed and ashamed if I don’t have money, or a credit card is rejected, or a cheque bounces.
- * I’m embarrassed and ashamed if I can’t pay my way, or pay for another person if I feel the other person hasn’t any money, so I offer to treat.
- * If you have no money, people judge you are worthless, useless, no good, a bum, a burden.
- * No one to support me, I had to do it myself.