Book 2 – Chapter 4 - Living the Illusion – Excerpt 2-3
Master at Controlling Emotions
When I first started my journey, I was aware of my feelings and emotions but I was also a master at controlling them, especially in public. I had a poker face most of the time and both good and bad feelings were shut down. I wouldn’t allow myself to be too happy as that might make other people unhappy, and showing any form of so-called negative emotions, especially in public was a definite no-no. I honestly, but naively believed that by denying my emotions, I was protecting and loving others and myself. Rarely would I express or even talk about my real feelings, and most of what I allowed to be expressed was denied rage, in lieu of the real feelings that I had held back and denied when I felt them. Denying and suppressing my feelings and emotions was such a slow and subtle process that began as an infant, that I wasn’t even conscious or aware of what I was doing and what I had become in the process. I was an actor and the world was my stage, I was living the illusion.
When I found the RUOW books they were all about expressing feelings and emotions and that idea was totally opposite to what I had been doing, but I was also intrigued by the idea that what I desired was also the opposite to what I was experiencing, so why not try doing the opposite? Instead of pushing the door that was not opening, I would try pulling it to see if it would open. It was a shift in consciousness and also the key to uncovering the truth I had been unaware of that was creating my reality. But saying that is one thing, doing it is quite another, because as soon as you let go of control, you open Pandora’s box and not only do your real emotions begin to surface, but also your false emotions, imprints, programs and beliefs. Now you need to begin the task of separating what is real from what is not, what is you from what is not you.
In the following sub-chapters, I’m going to give some examples of living the illusion, that will give you some food for thought as to what is really going on behind the scenes. While I’ll try to keep them in some kind of order, what is really important is for you to try to get a view of the big picture by looking at the small details that go unnoticed. Examining the pieces of the puzzle will help you connect the dots of how they apply to your life and your experiences. Connecting the dots, making the association, is also awakening your consciousness.
Hope is based on expectation, used to replace the word doubt. - Shenreed