Book 1 - Chapter 11 - Feeling, Healing, and Understanding Emotions - Excerpt 1-8
The Unseen Role of Denial
In the normal course of events, even if a person is made aware that they’re in denial, they will defend their denials rather than admit their true intent, or state that they were lying. When a person is re-acting to their imprints, programs and beliefs, they are either oblivious to their denials and issues, or act as if they are, while another person that isn’t activated and in denial can clearly see their denials and issues, and also see that the person that is activated doesn’t have a clear picture of reality. In other words, what I’m trying to say is that you can see denial easier in another person, than you can in yourself.
I feel that trying to tell someone of how it feels to be free of denial is like trying to tell a blind person what it’s like to see. The person in denial has no concept of what denial is, just like a blind person has no concept of what light is, as they both have always been in the dark. While a person may have the mental concept and knowledge of what denial is, and even intent to end their denials, if there is no real emotional movement along with the experience of ending denial, then there is also no simultaneous mental, emotional and physical experience of ending denials, and no true understanding. It’s like the riding a bike analogy that I frequently use. While a person may have a mental concept of what a bike is and how to ride one, and may even have heard stories of other peoples experiences, unless they have personally experienced riding one, it’s impossible for them to even conceive how it would feel, or to understand all the dynamics and thoughts, feelings and physical sensations that are experienced when one is actually riding a bike. Even if a person is given a ride on a bike, they still have a very limited perception of what’s involved as they’re not really balancing, pedaling, steering, or having the experience of carrying a passenger.
I know that for a person in denial, moving out of denial is hard to imagine, as you’re totally unaware of the unseen role that denial plays in your life. You really don’t know how to go about it because you’re always in some form of denial and as soon as you’re activated, you automatically revert to your old imprints, programs and beliefs that are either in the conscious Mind or buried in the subconscious. The closed Mind has shut out most of Heart presence and almost all of Will’s feelings other than the false feelings that agree with the Mind. The Mind is running around as if it were blind, yet claiming that it can see what it needs to do in order to survive. The most common denial is being in denial of being in denial.
We’re all running around like Chicken Little, and whatever issues are being triggered in us, is our version of the sky is falling. Shock, confusion and doubt run rampant and the Mind races to quickly find a solution by bypassing real feelings and intuition, and instead, looks for a quick fix to change the situation or the issues that are creating the fear, panic, confusion and doubt. The Mind believes that it’s right, that it has the awareness to correctly assess the situation and that it has to take the appropriate action for all concerned. Getting the Mind to relinquish its control and end its denials is not an easy task as denial is all it’s ever known.
Until you have acceptance for your Heart, Will or Body to tell your Mind that it’s in denial, or to have another person challenge and call you out on your denials, here are some hints to help you identify denial, both in yourself and in others. There are four main characteristic personality traits associated with denial and control. They are the intimidator, the interrogator, the oh-poor-me, and the withdrawn or aloof type profile. Also, when a person is in a conversation and they’re activated and in denial, they will use any form of avoidance or omission to either control the situation, or to not have to deal with the real issues. They will come up with phrases like; I guess so, maybe, perhaps, Okay–okay, we’ll see, not now, but, hum, whistling, humming, I don’t know, maybe you’re right, let me think about that, etc., are but a few verbal examples. Then there are the physical signs, that of avoiding direct eye contact, looking down or away, fidgeting, excess or strange blinking, ear pulling, hair twirling, playing with ones fingers or something, tapping, foot movement, facial or body twitches, unable to sit or stand still, having to keep busy, mumbling, talking very softly, talking loudly, huffing and puffing, whistling, yawning, etc. Then you can also get into the physical social appearance and actions of the person that just doesn’t “fit,” or feel natural, and you know that some form of denial is present. Some of these are smoking, drinking, dressing up, dressing down, not dressing to ones age or gender, heavy perfume or cologne, too much make-up, etc.
Once you can spot these outward manifestations in others, you need to allow yourself to feel the real presence of denial that goes with the manifestation. If you just go on the mental knowledge and these outward manifestations, then you will have suspicions that they are in denial, but you won’t know what they are denying or what their issues are, as that is only something that your Will can tell you. Also know that when you can see and feel it in others, that you now need to see and feel it in yourself and begin noticing what you have not been noticing.
It’s not only the blatantly obvious denials that we need to address, but the soft subtle ones that do just as much damage, if not more, in controlling the Will. Some examples of excuses, justifications and judgments your Mind can come up with to deny expressing what you’re really feeling in the moment are the following. I wouldn’t stoop to their level. That’s just the way they are. They aren’t perfect and neither am I. I feel sorry for them. They know better than that. They were only being human. It’s only natural. They’re too young. They’re too old. I don’t want to get into a conflict. I was only trying to help. I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want them to leave, etc. Then there are the so-called loving actions that we don’t think of as denials, such as being nice, kind, understanding, caring, sharing, co-operative, compromising and of course, loving. Once you explore the underlying reasons for these actions, you also become aware of the hidden denials.
And one last point on denial. Unfortunately, you can always spot denial in another person long before you can spot it in yourself. But that is also a good thing in that because if you can spot their denials, you also have a mirror to allow you to see and feel what your denials are that are being reflected. For instance, if you feel that a person is talking too much and covering up their real issues, then the mirror reflection may be that you also talk to cover up your issues, and that you are subconsciously recognizing the denial pattern. Another reflection is the opposite, in that you do not like talking and expressing yourself for fear that your issues will be uncovered for any number of reasons (fears) that the experience activates in you. Mirror images or reflections may be identical, in that you do the same thing that you judge the person of doing, or they may be reversed and the opposite, as in the example I just shared.