Copyright © John J. Rieger / Shenreed (2016)

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My Journey:

Three levels of healing

Feeling, Healing,

and Understanding Emotions

John J Rieger / Shenreed

Dedicated to all who are feeling the quickening

and choose to awaken.

Going in Circles

Circling the tree

running round and around.

Looking for answers

That can't be found.

Bewildered and confused

they toil and they strife.

Trying to find

the meaning of life.

While silently sitting

rubbing hands in glee.

Is the evil bushwhacker

hiding up in the tree.

Watching his subjects

beat a path in the ground.

Feeding them part truths

calling them valid and sound.

And so they do run

all day and all night.

Not even aware

of their sorry-full plight.

Joined in commonality

for this it is true.

As are the animals

caged in a zoo.

Afraid to challenge

or unable to think.

In circles they'll go

until they all sink.

And ponder how life

has passed them all by.

Now comes to late

a tear in their eye.

Channeled by - John Rieger/Shenreed – 2002 Jan. 19

Preface

A Blueprint for change and a New Age

We are entering a New Age that includes a change and shift in ideas and beliefs. The change I’m talking about isn’t about creating a new political world order and global economy, or about spending money to clean up the environment to make the world healthier and more abundant, or about fighting terrorism to bring about global peace. Neither is it about any organized religion making it a better and more loving world. The change I’m talking about is personal; it’s about changing you, and in turn, creating a New World and a new reality.

This old world reality is falling apart, and as it does, it shows itself for what it really is as the truth that was once hidden and denied is now being exposed. But even as these denials are being exposed, society in general appears to be either oblivious or indifferent to the significance of these signs and changes, and even if they are aware of them, they are either afraid or complacent, and choose to deny, ignore, or justify them, as accepting them would also mean that they would have to look at their own issues and that would mean exposing their denials, unlovingness and self-hatred. So while the shift in consciousness is happening, not too many people are ready to end their denials and heal their inner issues.

Our present society operates on the belief of control and power, and if you have that, then you are respected and deemed to be successful and happy. Present social beliefs also deem that money is the source of power and that having, or not having money, dictates our present state of happiness and social status. Humanity has been duped and brainwashed, and most of what we believe to be true is about to change, and when it does, the meek shall inherit the Earth. Being meek is not about being weak and submissive, but rather being self-empowered, with no desire or need to be in control over other aspects of self or others, while at the same time, not allowing ourselves to be over-powered or controlled by others.

A meek person is a feeling and emotional person that presently has difficultly in trying to fit into society and be like the others that don’t have the same emotional issues they do, those that appear to have it made and present themselves as an example of what being human is all about. The meek person presently finds that no matter what they do or say, it’s never right or good enough, at the right time or in the right way and no matter how they try to control and deny their feelings and emotions, nothing seems to work. Of course they can try to cover up their real feelings and emotions with alcohol, smoking, drugs, sex, work, keeping busy etc., but they can’t deny what is a part of their essence anymore than a person can deny they have legs when they’ve experienced walking or running.

The problem isn’t that a meek person’s Will (intuition, feelings and emotions) are wrong, but that we have been led to believe that expressing certain feelings and emotions is negative and wrong, when in fact, they are our source of power. We have been denying and hiding our power and unlovingly blaming our Will as being the problem. Expressing our feelings and emotions are only a problem to those that know what power they have, and that is why they have been so adamant in trying to force those of us that have this gift and power, to deny our Will, our intuition, feelings and emotions. Presently being meek is considered a sign of weakness, but when its true power is experienced, it is the unlimited power of unconditional love, without malice of thought or deed, either to self or others.

Society has acceptance for, and allows expression of only those feelings and emotions that others, and we, judge as good or “positive,” but we have little or no acceptance for those so-called bad or “negative” emotions that make us, or others unhappy, and in this there is no balance. We deny ourselves because we do not love ourselves and by not loving ourselves, we give ourselves hatred. We do not express the truth of what we are really feeling because that would be deemed selfish and unloving by those that prefer denial and avoidance, to love and truth. We also have those energy vampires among us that say, if you’re a nice and good person, or if you really love me, you’ll show me or prove it to me by doing, or giving me what I want. These power vampires slowly suck the life out of those that have the misguided belief that it is better to give than to receive, that you have to give love to get love, and that it is wrong to challenge another’s intent, or to express your anger when one is being mentally, emotionally or physically abused and attacked. These vampires don’t follow their own rules and they will never be satisfied with what you give them because they always want more, more of your power that you give them by your denials of expressing yourself. They use your twisted beliefs, fears, guilt, and shame to control you with the use of kind and loving words, and if that doesn’t work, then they will use anger and rage to intimidate you to get what they want.

Most of us have been led to believe that in order to be accepted and loved by others, that we need to put the needs and feelings of others, our wife, husband, children, family, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends and even society ahead of ours. We have been taught, through religion and by social customs and traditions, that self-sacrifice and thinking of others is loving and unselfish, yet the same old “golden rule” doesn’t apply to all, especially those in a position of power. When we really begin to look deeper we see that the real reason we’re doing all this self-sacrificing is to get some outer form of love and acceptance, when in reality, we don’t give love and acceptance to ourselves when we are in denial of our true expression.

The stress, anxiety, and depression that we feel in our lives is the pressure we are putting on ourselves by denying our Will (intuition, feelings and emotions) by not giving them acceptance and expression. Instead of doing what we have always done, we need to do the opposite, we need to not only look at, but challenge our beliefs that are based in denial disguised as truth and love, not support them. When we do that, we set the truth free that lies buried beneath the denials. Only by ending our denials of ourselves is the truth uncovered, and by uncovering the truth, “the truth shall set you free.” It’s time to end our denials; it’s time to feel, to heal, to be real, and to take our power back.

Healing and empowering ourselves to create a new world and reality requires a new plan, a new blueprint and one that is not based on the old world ideas and beliefs. Our attempts at changing the old world by changing our outer reality has never worked, and never will, as it’s merely a form change and not a change within ourselves and our denial based beliefs and intent. History repeating itself is a testimony that this plan doesn’t work, as you can change the old system as many times as you want, but because you are still working with the original denial based blueprint of imprints, programs and beliefs, nothing really changes. In order to effectively change our outer reality we need to first change our inner reality, our imprints, programs and beliefs that are based in denial, judgment, attachment and conditional love, to one of acceptance, compassion, connection and unconditional love. What was created was done in ignorance of the unseen role of denial, and what will be created will be a reality where there is not only the conscious awareness of denial, but also the desire and intent to end it unconditionally.

Acknowledgements

I would first like to express my gratitude to my Divine Mother and Father for the opportunity to be a part of the transformation that is taking place, not only within us, or on Earth, but one that is affecting the entire Universe.

I’d also like to express a heartfelt thank you to my family, my father, mother, brothers and sisters, my ex-wife, son and daughter, and to my extended family, for giving me the opportunity to experience what I needed to, that would enable me to heal the lost parts of my Being.

A big thank you also goes out to all the others that have been a part of my life experiences; partners, friends, acquaintances, neighbors, co-workers and society in general. Everyone that I’ve met in person, on the phone, through correspondence, or over the internet has been a part of my journey and without them there would be no experience and no journey. While I’ve mentioned those I’ve met, those that I haven’t met are also part of my experience, in fact, all life on Earth is a part of my journey, if not directly, then indirectly as we are all connected.

I’d also like to say a special thank you to Ceanne DeRohan, author of “The Right Use of Will” (RUOW) series of books, for her courage to not only channel, but to also make this material public that enabled me to begin to heal and transform my life.

And lastly, I’d like to specifically acknowledge and thank three exceptional women that came into my life to help me on my journey of healing and self-discovery; they are, in order of appearance:

- Rita Miotto, who helped me explore and develop many of the tools I use on my healing journey and which I share in my book, “Journeys from the Heart Centre.”

- Jen Goodwin, who helped me not only expand the tools, but also with developing the application of the tools and with whom I did most of my emotional work that enabled me to find what I was missing in my life, self love, my Heart centre.

- Irene Robitaille, who not only gave me a physical home when I was homeless, but also helped me on my healing journey and encouraged me to write.

Thank you all.

“Healing begins in the Heart”

Note to reader: While this book will explore, discuss and make reference to material from the Right Use Of Will (RUOW) series (books 1-8), I’d like to note that Ceanne DeRohan, the author of the RUOW series is not involved with, nor does she endorse this book, or any comments made. On the other hand, I strongly recommend that you use the RUOW books as a companion to this and my other books.

Table of Contents

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 - My Early Years

Notes:

Chapter 2 - Being Different

Being too Sensitive - Self-love

Ending the Battle

Laying Down Sword and Shield

Chapter 3 - Intent

Intent - Courage and Denial

Intent - Healing Begins in the Heart

Heart and Loving Intent - RUOW

Bent intent - Hidden Agenda - Ignorance

Bent Intent - Control

Loving and Unloving Intent

Chapter 4 - Living the Illusion

Battle of the Sexes

Confrontation and Intimidation

Body Excitement - Feelings and Sensations

Being Bored - Keeping Busy - Self-gratification

Love starved - Addicted to Hate

Accidents - Denial and Lessons

The Cycle of Abuse

Stages of Life - Lack of a Proper Role Model

Chapter 5 - Fear and Coping Habits

Fear of the Unknown and Expectations

Confusion - Doubt - Fear of Asking - Trust

Quick Fix - Chasing Shadows - Repeating Cycles

Presenting a False Image - False Bravado

Being the Joker - People Pleaser

Shame - False Pride - Being Perfect

Self-sacrifice and Forgiveness

Fighting for a Cause - Saving and Helping Others

Chapter 6 - Religion and Science

A Fundamental Flaw with Major Religions

The Golden Rule and Religions

Feeling Abandoned and Unloved by God

Religious Beliefs - Part Truths - Fuzzy Logic

New age - A Fundamentalist Type of Religion

Chapter 7 - Consciousness

Electromagnetic Energy - Frequency - Vibration

Conscious Awareness

Different Aspects of Consciousness

Polarity and Duality

Old World Mentality Pretending to be New

The Quickening and Awakening

Death and Consciousness

Born Ignorant - Mind Learning to Trust the Will

Chapter 8 - Spirit/Mind - Judgments

Judgments and Beliefs

Imprints, Programs and Beliefs

Judgments - Observations - Choice and Denial

Truth and Perfection

Minds Diversions and Avoidance

A Closed Mind

Taking Responsibility – Wrong Decision

Hindsights and Wanting a Quick Fix

The Value of Hindsight

Healing the Mind

Ego and Altered Ego

Chapter 9 – Soul/Will - False Will

Real, False and Explaining Emotions

False Will - False Emotions

Another Version of False Emotions

Body’s Feelings and Sensations

Feeling and Non-feeling People

Chapter 10 – Heart and Love

Heart, Love and Original Cause

Confusion About Love

Love - Conditional and Unconditional

Guilt and Shame

Heart and Heartlessness

Self-love – Self-hatred

Chapter 11 - Denial

Identifying Denials

Blinded by a Fog

Going in Circles

Denial and Expectation

Denial and Avoidance

The Unseen Role of Denial and Intent

Denial with a Twist - Little White Lies

Chapter 12 - Fragmentation

Confusion, Doubt and Denial

Fear and Fragmentation

Understanding Fear

Inner and outer Child - Shock and Fear

The Inner Child

The Outer Child

Chapter 13 - Attachments and Voices

Attachments and Denial

Lost Hopes - Dreams and Desires

Inner Voices - Mind control

Using the Other Voices

Chapter 14 - Control and Protection

Control and Blame

Methods Used to Control Others

Balance and Control

Control - Form Change

Chapter 15 - The Gap and Denial

Gapping Verses Being in the Now

Denied Terror and Denied Rage

Being Activated and in the Gap

Mirrors and Reflections

RUOW Misunderstandings on Healing the Gap

Chapter 16 - Heartbreak and Terror

Heartbreak and Anger

Betrayal - Trust and Forgiveness

Afraid to live - Controled and Limited

Chapter 17 - Anger and Rage

Real and Denied Anger and Rage

Denied Anger - Rage and Control

Spirit and Will Polarized Rage

Denied Rage in a Position of Power

Denied Anger and Rage Appearing Real

Passive Aggressive - Asking and Telling

Denied Rage and the Unseen Role of Denial

Expressing Denied Rage in Public and in Private

Another Way to Identify and Heal Denied Rage

Chapter 18 - Courage and Vulnerability

Having a Positive or Negative Attitude

Spirit as Causal - the Dilemma

Being Direct - Forthright and Real

An Issue of Trust

The plane of Reversal

Split Second Choice to End Denial

Freedom - Choice and Surrendering

Courage and the Watch Dog

Chapter 19 - The Healing Journey

Healing Cycles

Healing the Present - Healing Past Lives

Mini Healings - Baby Steps

Darkest Before the Dawn

Healing Begins in the Heart

Life Purpose and the Meaning of life

Manifesting Your Desires

Chapter 20 - Healing Level 1

General Background

Introduction

Stage 1 - Terror Activation and Release

Stage 2 - Healing Confirmation

Summary

Chapter 21 - Healing Level 2

Background Update

Introduction

Healing 2 - Fear of Expression

Summary

Chapter 22 - Healing Level 3

Background Update

Introduction

Healing 3 - Anger and Rage

Summary

Conclusion

About the Author

Introduction

To give you a basic idea of the work I’m sharing, this trilogy consists of the following books.

- Journeys from the Heart Centre – Meditation as a tool for healing and Self-empowerment – is a how-to manual and guide that uses non-denial based meditation/visualizations as a tool to not only expand your conscious awareness, but to also allow you to seek the underlying causes to the stress, fears, and issues in your life and begin to heal them. It also includes notes, insights, and understandings to assist you on your personal journey.

- My Journey - Three Levels of Healing – Feeling, healing and understanding Emotions – covers numerous topics and issues, and contains key insights and understandings into the nature of the human psyche that are vital in not only healing your Emotional Being, but also in unlocking the mystery of your Mind, how it works, and why it does what it does. Finally, I share three personal healing experiences that are directly related to the previous material.

- Journey to the Heart Centre – Healing begins in the Heart – While considered an autobiography, it also contains numerous channeled messages from my Spirit guides. I begin with a brief background of my significant life events, and while my journey began in 1990, the main focus is on four years, (1997 - 2000) and the trials and tribulations I went through that enabled me to experience my first two levels of healing.

This book was created as a result of revising my original autobiography, when I decided to create another book by removing and expanding the appendix that contained an abbreviated version of the meditation/visualization tools that I use on my journey. Since these tools were at the core of my healing experiences, I decided that they would be my first book. After I published it, instead of publishing the remaining manuscript, I felt that there were a lot more insights and understandings that I needed to share, enough for another book. I then began writing this book based on the insights and understandings that I had gained through the three major levels of healing I had experienced at that time, and in helping others on their journey. While I share the first two major healing experiences in my third book, I don’t go into the insights and understandings that I share here, as I was still in the process of integrating them, and so it only covers the trials and tribulations I experienced leading up to the healing experience, the experience itself, and then what followed.

In this book, I not only share valuable information on various topics related to my healing experiences, but I also share the healing experiences followed by the key insights and understandings that I didn’t have at the time. I also provide several pages of personal background information not shared in the other books that I feel will help you gain a better perspective of my issues and journey. This book is yet another tool that will assist you in cutting years of trial and error off your healing journey. It contains key understandings and insights into the nature of the human psyche that are vital in not only healing our feelings and emotions, but also in unlocking the mystery of our Mind, how it works, and why it does what it does. It also begins to uncover the mystery and power of our Will, (intuition, feelings and emotions) once they have been accepted and allowed unconditional expression. This book is the second in the trilogy and if you happen to read this one first, you will need to read the others to enable you to put the pieces of the puzzle together, as very little material is repeated.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been filled with self-hatred, although I would never have thought to call it that. I say hatred because in my ignorance of what love was, I unknowingly hated myself whenever I had no acceptance for any part of me that I deemed to be a problem. It was no wonder then that I always felt different and alone and I would constantly ask myself questions like, why do I feel like I do? What’s wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I be like the others? Why can’t the others be like me? Why do people hate me and why do I hate some people? How am I going to stop hating them? How can I make them love me? How can I make them happy? How can I be happy if they are unhappy? Why am I a loser, not good enough and a failure? And the list goes on and on. Under all these questions were confusion, doubt, guilt, shame, rage and of course lies, omission, avoidance and denials, that only served to perpetuate the cycle of self-hatred. Some say ignorance is bliss, I say ignorance is hell as that was what I was living. I correct that statement, I wasn’t living; I was merely existing, surviving as best I could.

Having no loving acceptance for myself and no answers to my questions, no one to help me, or the means to solve them on my own at that time, I went through life pretending that I was fine and okay, trying to be like the others. I was living a lie, in denial and self-hatred and I wasn’t even aware of it, and yet I wondered why the world was so unjust and unfair, and why I was always the victim. I thought I was living the good life as I tried to do all the things that one was supposed to do if they were a loving and caring person, which I felt I was. I tried to live my life according to the Golden Rule of, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you,” and I even bought into the twisted self-sacrificing belief that “It is better to give than to receive,” and that “you have to give to get.” I became a master at controlling my feelings and emotions, or at least the outward presentation face that I showed the world, pretending that I was strong and happy. When I could no longer endure the pressure of my denials that were building up inside me, I would bury my feelings and emotions by keeping busy, doing things like work, exercise, gardening, smoking, etc. But all that was only a temporary quick fix solution as my feelings and emotions just didn’t go away. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong as I believed that I was a kind, caring, considerate, cooperative, compromising, compassionate, understanding, sharing and loving person. Time and time again, I gave others the benefit of the doubt, even when that turned out to be harmful to me. I was unconsciously addicted to hate while it was love that I desired, but I was too arrogant, ignorant and confused to know the difference.

As this book is part two of a trilogy, I feel I need to reiterate a portion of my third book introduction to enable you to get a feel for what this book is about and the journey I’m on. As mentioned, trying to pretend I was happy and okay was the pattern for my life but in 1990, the bubble burst with the collapse of my personal and small business world. Frustrated with my life and traditional social and religious dogma that gave me no meaningful answers, I began my journey, my search for truth and the meaning of life. During the next few years, I read over 250 books on almost every New Age self help topic, as well as various other books on medicine, science and religion, trying to find answers to my probing questions. My journey is an eclectic blend of science and spirituality, (not religion) as I explore the middle ground between what science can’t see, hear, feel or prove, and thereby states doesn’t exist, and what religion doesn’t want you to find out is real for yourself. What I was searching for in the books I read was the common thread that would link them all together, and while all books offered some part truths, something was always missing or didn’t feel right. I challenged everything I read as I continued to ask who, what, where, when, why and how? As I ventured into the great unknown, I had no guide, no sign posts, only my mind and my feelings, which I didn't trust, to help me find what was missing in my life. I was blinded by a fog, aware only that I was searching for something but not knowing what I was searching for, how to find it, where to look for it, or to even know if I had found it when I did, and then what to do with it when, and if I found it.

Not satisfied with the answers I was getting with my outer search, I decided to expand my search and explore where there were no paths. In 1994, I began my inner search when I was introduced to meditation. During the next three years, it expanded to include past life regression, meeting animal guides and totems, life guides, higher self, astral journeys, channeling, among other things. While all these tools, as I came to call them, expanded my conscious awareness and opened new frontiers and experiences for me, I also felt that something was missing and didn’t feel right.

I continued to simultaneously explore my outer and inner reality still looking for the common thread, and it wasn’t until early 1997, when I obtained the book, “Right Use of Will” (RUOW) by Ceanne DeRohan, that things began to click and make sense for me that felt right, even though I didn’t understand it in the moment. I also found the common thread that had eluded me in all the books I had read and the meditations I had experienced. What I found that was common was not what was being said, but what was not being said, what was being denied, and that was the definitive turning point in my search. Reading the RUOW books continued to expand my awareness of the role that denial was playing in my life. It was at this time that besides writing about my experiences and the channeled messages I was receiving, I also began writing about my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I also realized that the meditation tools I had been using were all based in denial and that I now needed to combine the tools with the esoteric points-of-view and the emotional work that RUOW provided. I then modified the meditation tools, changing them from a denial-based format (denial and suppression of feelings and emotions) to a non-denial format, where I would allow my feelings and emotions an opportunity to be expressed. This change allowed me to expand the tools to include working with finding the cause of my issues, and begin to heal my inner and outer child. As I worked with these new tools, I began to merge and apply the insights and understandings I was getting on my inner experiences, with those of my outer life experiences. As I ventured further into this new and unknown emotional territory, it took me through feeling almost every possible emotion as well as some experiences that are unbelievable. I continued to write about my experiences, issues, thoughts, feelings, emotions, hindsights, insights, understandings and the messages and guidance I was receiving, knowing that I would be writing books, and that these entries would form the basis of those books.

As I continued my inner journey, I was always asking, who, what, where, when, why and how, and when I’d get an answer, I’d repeat the sequence again and again. I was filled with questions upon questions, but for every answer I’d receive, I’d also have another ten questions. Many times, it seemed like an endless and impossible task, but I knew that I would never know the truth unless I tried and kept trying, and going deeper until I found the answer. I was awash in a sea of feelings and emotions and being dragged down by my imprints, programs and beliefs that were telling me that my feelings and emotions were wrong, and that healing was impossible. I knew from my past mini healing experiences I had when using the meditation/visualization tools that healing was possible and that I was on the right track to also heal my big issues, but I just didn’t know how to get to them, or what I needed to do when I did. It was a slow and gradual process as there were more issues, mini healings, hindsights, insights and understandings that I needed to experience. I also realized that I needed to go through all those experiences in order to gain the awareness so that I could move on to the next experience. Not that all the choices I made were the right ones, but that too was what I needed to enable me to gain experience and hindsight, to see what didn’t work, and where I could choose differently, the next time I was activated.

What drove me on my quest was my heartfelt desire and intent to heal those lost and tortured parts of me that I had discovered during my meditation/ visualization journeys. At that time, I didn’t know how to heal them, I only knew that I would never know unless I tried and kept trying, peeling off layer by layer, level by level, going deeper until I found the real cause. Slowly, step-by-step, by trial and error, I had to find the answers to my probing questions myself. In order to find out what was really going on and to get to the truth and heal the lost parts of me, I found that I needed to constantly challenge all my old imprints, programs and beliefs, not defend them. I felt that if I searched long and hard enough, that eventually I’d find what I was looking for, as I had no desire to simply do the best I could. I wanted answers, but I not only wanted answers, I wanted answers that would allow me to heal and empower myself. Unwilling to give up, I returned again and again to the issues that were tormenting me for two reasons. One was that I wanted to become aware of the unseen role that denial played in these experiences, and secondly, that I was determined to find and heal the cause of my issues and recover the lost parts of me. It was, and still is confusing and frustrating as I go through the gradual processes and the different stages and levels of healing. At times I feel that I'm just going in circles and that “I can't see the tree for the forest,” as I'm still unaware that I'm locked in the cycle of the unseen role of denial and self-hatred.

Love was one thing I didn’t expect to discover in my search for truth as I felt that I was already a loving person. To begin to know the truth of what love is, I had to know what love is not. While I had a healing experience in February of 1999, it wasn’t until August of 2000, that I consciously experienced unconditional self-love for the first time in my life (in my existence) and I was awakened, so to speak, as what I experienced was a 180-degree shift, a complete reversal of what I had believed love was. It was then that I discovered how and why it was really me that was being unloving to myself, and that my present experiences were actually based on false thoughts, feelings and emotions that were also a reflection and a reaction to the unloving experiences I had as a child that were as yet, unresolved.

It was the day before my second level of healing that I began to write a book about my journey, as I felt that I needed to share what I found with others who were also searching to heal and understand their feelings and emotions. It took me eleven years to move from the first stirrings of awareness, the quickening, and the beginning of my search, through the process of finding the tools that I needed, learning how to use them, to finally entering the gap and reaching my awakening point, that of bringing consciousness to the lost parts of me with unconditional self-love. Now, I’m on the journey to integrate this new awareness into the physical world, to heal all aspects of me, to “walk my talk” and to bring Heaven to Earth. I know that what I’ve found, others are also searching for and hope to find, and this is what I want to share. What I share is what I have lived and personally experienced and what I’ve experienced, felt and know in my heart, can’t be studied in any present form and thus the reason for this and future books.

This book deals with numerous topics, issues, understandings and insights that lead to healing your emotions and empowering yourself. What I share isn’t based on theory or observations, but on personal experience which I feel is the best teacher. While on the surface, it may appear that this book is nothing new as there have been thousands of books written on healing emotions and self-empowerment, I assure you that what you will read in this book is not only new and unique, but also controversial. What I share goes against almost everything that society presently believes to be true about emotions, feelings, love and life. Ending denials and exposing secrets is the exact opposite of what everyone is doing and that is not only new, but also frightening, as ending denials and exposing secrets is not what is considered normal, appropriate, or even safe. Expressing our true feelings and emotions when they are deemed negative or are not what others want to hear, is also contrary to popular opinion. We can only heal our emotions by ending our denials of them, not by controlling and denying them as we have been doing. How can we fix something if we keep denying it’s broken, or keep pushing it away.

While I make reference to the RUOW books, that doesn’t mean that you have to be working with this material to begin to heal and empower yourself, but I highly recommend them as they were the catalyst for my healing experiences. As stated, I found that I needed to interpret the esoteric information found in the RUOW books, and then, by trial and error, apply and experience the concepts to know if they worked for me, which they did, and do. What I’ve done with my books is much like a lawyer taking a document written in legalese, and based on personal experience, translating it into layman terms and plain English. As above so below would be an accurate statement to describe that what happened, and is happening in the Spiritual realm, also applies to the physical realm, and vice versa.

When I began to compile the material for this book, I became frustrated and overwhelmed. I wanted this book to be a standalone read, yet so much of what I wanted to say is linked to my other two books, and without that material, this book would not make sense. I finally realized that there is no logical way that I can present this book in a “how-to” step-by-step manner like I did my first book, as all the issues, imprints, programs and beliefs are so twisted and convoluted that it’s an impossible task. Neither is there any chronological order to it like my autobiography. I then realized that I was taking way too much responsibility in that I was trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together in a written form, when it is up to you, the reader, to put the pieces together by applying what I share to your lives. What I realized was that I just needed to share the pieces of the puzzle (insights and understandings) and my healing experiences, and then let you, through your intent and healing process, put the pieces together for yourself as the pieces only fit, if and when you experience them, and not just by having the mental knowledge of them. Having the knowledge of the insights and understandings that I share will not heal you. What it will do is give you the foresight as to who, what, where, when, how and why things are happening when you become aware of a particular situation, or when you are being activated. You don’t learn to ride a bike by reading a book, you learn by physically experiencing it. You need to do it and feel it, in order to understand how to ride it, and how all the pieces of the bike, or these books, fit together and work for you.

As you read this book, you will discover a map, so to speak, with markers along the path that will resonate with you. Use them as stepping-stones to help guide and assist you into healing and empowering yourself. These insights and understandings are based on my experiences and to truly understand them you will have to do more than just read them; you will also have to apply them to your daily life and experience them for yourself to “know” if they are also true for you. Without the application and experience, they are merely mental concepts, knowledge, and words from a book. I’m not asking you to accept what I’m saying as your personal truth, only that you give it a try to see for yourself if what I say works for you. What do you have to lose except your old social and religious beliefs that you are unhappy with anyway, or you wouldn’t be looking for change and have been led to this book.

It is my intent that this book will not only expand your consciousness, but also activate your emotions and touch your heart, that you not only resonate with the insights and understandings I’ve shared, but also see and feel how they relate to your life and your issues. What you heal and how quickly will depend entirely on your intent, effort, courage and commitment to healing and empowering yourself.

John Rieger / Shenreed

Chapter 1 - My Early Years

Childhood trauma – Adolescence – Adult issues

I’ve made a very brief outline of some of the traumatic experiences I had in my childhood and adolescence, that caused me to fragment and be imprinted and programmed, thus laying the framework for my future adult experiences and issues. As you read the insights and understandings that I share in this book, you will begin to realize that what I was experiencing and repeating in different forms, was related in part, to what I experienced in my childhood that imprinted and programmed my young and fragile consciousness. While you will have different experiences, what is important to recognize is that the underlying feelings and emotions are the same, and that they can be healed in the same way I’ve healed mine. I am a work in progress and while I have healed some parts of my Being and issues, I still have other parts of myself to find and heal. Life is a journey, not a destination. The more I heal, the more I feel alive and not just like I’m surviving.

Note: points 1 - 4 were uncovered during several meditation journeys.

1. I journeyed back to the moment when I was conceived, where my father was raping my mother. Although they were married, there was no love present as he was basically taking her by force and she was doing the wifely duty.

2. When she knew she was pregnant, she tried to abort me a couple of times.

3. When I was three months old, my mother tried to drown me in a bathtub.

4. When I was around four to five months old, my mother put me out in the unheated porch in the wintertime, hoping that I would get sick and die.

5. I was born on the prairies of Canada, in Melville, Saskatchewan in 1944, to parents of German/Polish descent, and devout Roman Catholics. I was the oldest of five children, with two brothers and two sisters.

6. My parents were born in Canada and went to school and could read and write English, but chose to speak German in our home. As a result, when I started school, all I could speak and understand was German. I was the only German speaking Catholic farm boy going to an English speaking Protestant school in a small village. My first day of school was to be a major traumatic experience that fragmented me numerous times. I was bullied for years and it wasn’t until I was in grade 6 that I was big and strong enough to take on my oppressor’s one at a time, and finally put an end to being bullied.

7. My father played the traditional role of the man of the house, the provider. We had to obey what he said or we would suffer the consequences of his belt. He usually took out his denied anger and rage on the farm animals, beating them until his rage burned itself out.

8. We moved off the farm when I was in grade 3. We were dirt poor and feeding five children was a struggle for my parents. Several times when life became unbearable for my mother, she would threaten to kill us while holding a knife to our throats if we didn’t do as she said. We didn’t tell our father or anyone what happened, as we didn’t want to lose our mother as she said they would take her away to a mental hospital if we said anything.

9. I was psychic and knew a lot of things. For example, when playing cards with my father and uncle, I would not lose, as I knew what cards the others had and what they were going to play. I also knew when I was going to get beat up, but could do nothing about it. In grade 6, after dealing with the bullies, I was beginning to feel some self-confidence returning and I told my mother of my psychic abilities and demonstrated them to her. She became hysterical and said it was the work of the devil and to never do that again. That terrified me and I began to shut down and deny my psychic abilities.

10. Just when my life seemed like it would turn around as I was no longer being bullied, we had to move. My father had been sick for over a year and couldn’t work and when he got better, the only work that he could do was inside work and so we had to move to the city. From grade 6 to grade 10 we moved four times and I went to five different schools. I never formed any real or lasting friendships, but I had lots of enemies.

11. When I was in grade 7, our family was excommunicated from the Catholic Church on account of my speaking up against the authority of the church. This event deeply affected my life, as for years it alienated our family from our Catholic relations of some 36 aunts and uncles, and over 150 cousins as well as our Catholic friends and neighbors.

12. During the grade 7 summer holidays, while playing tag, I jumped/fell off a picket fence and onto the edge of a wooden sidewalk and broke seven of my upper teeth. For the next three years I had a mouthful of rotting teeth. I was 16 years old and in grade 10 when I had them pulled and then for six months, I had to go around with no upper teeth before I could get a full upper denture. Besides having to deal with the embarrassment of rotten or no upper teeth, my face was also covered in pimples. Another issue I had was that I was smaller than others my age.

13. After being excommunicated, I felt guilty and tried to compensate to my parents for all the pain and suffering that I put them through. Although I was small, I was now physically strong and fast and I was also good with my hands. In grade 8, I won two first and one second place awards for woodworking projects that I made in school. I also won second place in a bicycle rodeo, both were for all of Saskatchewan. I had a paper route, worked hard to expand it, and won a trip to Chicago. I was also excelling in track and field and in baseball. While all this was good, it was also bad as it was drawing negative attention to me and more conflict by those that were jealous of my talents and so, you got it, I began to down play my talents and gifts to avoid conflict. I also joined the Air Cadets and later the Militia, both as a way of fitting in and of belonging.

14. I was bullied, attacked, and even threatened with knives during my adolescent and adult life. I sought to avoid any form of conflict and tried to make other people happy so that I wouldn’t be threatened and attacked.

15. After graduating high school, I decided to go back for another year to get my university credits as I was interested in psychiatry, psychology, archaeology, architecture and electronic engineering. I got my credits but I never did go to college or university, as I couldn’t afford it. I worked for a couple of years and during which time, I enrolled in a home study course in electronics through DeVry Tech.

16. I never had a girl friend until I was 21. We had sex once and she got pregnant. Her parents sent her away to have the baby that was then given up for adoption. I was devastated, and in 1966, I packed up and moved to Toronto to take up my electronic engineering course full time.

17. During the next couple of years, I had several psychic experiences as well as seeing a UFO no more than 200 feet above me.

18. I didn’t have the math skills to continue the engineering program at DeVry, so after one year, I graduated as a Communications Technologist. I then got a job as a Cable TV installer/serviceman. During the next few years, I bounced from cable company to cable company, as expressing myself was not acceptable, as I either got fired, or quit in frustration, only to have what I was saying implemented after I left. The good thing was that while I was moving from cable company to cable company, I was also advancing my knowledge and talents. I moved from being an installer/serviceman, to maintenance, head end, lab, sales, construction and planning. With each move, I gained experience with different electronic equipment and procedures, as well as networking with other public utilities and government agencies.

19. In the spring of 1968, I met a woman at work and we got married in 1969. Our relationship changed on our honeymoon when I told her how happy I was to not only have a friend and lover, but also a wife and the future mother of our children. She coldly replied, “I’m not your friend or lover, I’m your wife and you’re my husband and you had better get used to it.” We had two children, a boy in 1970 and a girl in 1975.

20. In the fall of 1980 I had run out of cable companies to work for, so I started my own cable TV design and consulting business, working from a spare room in our home. While I was my own boss, I still had to deal with the same people that I had disagreements with before. The only difference was that now, while I knew my business and gave them my opinion, I still did as they asked (the customer is always right) but only when it was put in writing. That way, when they realized that their way was wrong, I gladly did it again, my way, and with pay. Within a year, I had built and office in the basement of our home and had four people working with me.

21. By the end of 1983, the company had grown to 12 employees and was now renting a 1200 sq. foot office space. We were about to double in size when I was approached by a client I was doing work for, with an offer to buy my company. It was more or less a forced sale as the company threatened to take away their business and start doing their own planning, leaving me with having to lay off over half my staff. After considering all my options and talking it over with my wife, (who also worked in the company) and with the employees, I decided to sell. I was retained as head of my company (now a division) and while I was responsible for all the work being done, I didn’t have any real say or power, I was more like a supervisor.

22. Within two weeks after the sale and transition, I knew I had made a big mistake. I was devastated and felt I had been robbed of my career, as part of the sale also included a non-competition agreement, where I couldn’t start up or work for any company in direct competition with them for five years. I continued to do my job and fulfill my obligations just to get the hold back money they owed me. I knew I wasn’t going to be staying so I started looking for an existing company that I could buy, or one that I could buy into.

23. In 1984, a few months after I had sold my company, and having looked over a few prospects, I bought a company that manufactured scale model scenery. I kept the three employees and had my wife manage the daily business affairs, while I worked nights and on weekends.

24. At the beginning of 1985, after fulfilling my contract, and at the first board meeting of the year, I stated that I would no longer take the abuse I had been taking, and that things had to change. Well things changed, I was let go. But that didn’t bother me as I knew they would not change and I already had another company and source of income.

25. Between 1972 and 1985 we had bought, lived in, and sold 4 homes, all new and all bigger than the previous ones. We also had rental income property, cars, boats and other toys.

26. In 1987, I formed a partnership (in another limited company) with the couple that had sold me the previous business. In 1989, that partnership was dissolved when I found them embezzling money. I was then sued and spent the next two years in legal battles. Not only did they try to sue me, but they also called my customers telling them that I was out of business or that I had thrown them out and that I was the bad guy. They also filed false claims and had government agencies down my back.

27. At the same time that all this was happening, my wife, who was also working in the business, was having an affair with a family friend. With that, our marriage was over. We separated in 1990 and mutually filed for, and got divorced in the fall of 1991. After separating was when I began my journey.

28. For a very brief summary of the beginning of my journey after 1990, you can read it under “About the Author” at the end of this book.

Notes:

The biggest issue I had as a child, that haunted me until it was healed, was of wanting to be loved and accepted. I don’t think I’m unique in this as that is what everyone desires. I correct that statement, as not everyone desires to be loved and accepted, even though they may state otherwise. Trying to be loved and accepted meant sacrificing my wants, needs and desires in order to make others happy, which in turn, made me happy because they weren’t rejecting or angry at me. The twisted belief and program that imprinted me was that in order to be loved and accepted, I had to give love and accept whatever others were directing at me. The issue of trying to be accepted is related to the old religious Golden Rule of “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you,” as that meant that in order to be a loving person, I needed to be in service to others. Religion also had me believe that to be loved and accepted, that I had to give love and accept what others were giving me, even if it was unloving. While they had me believe and follow the golden rule, the same rule didn’t apply to them as they had an unspoken and unwritten notwithstanding clause that said, “Do as I say, not as I do.” It’s this twisted and unloving motto that was used to get me to be good and nice, to do what I was told, and to deny myself in favor of others.

Trying to please my mother and father was impossible, as whatever I did was never enough or good enough. There was always more that I had to do or learn in order to be accepted and loved by them. School was the same thing as I had to continually learn more and improve my skills so that I could pass the next test and be accepted. Learning wasn’t simply about experiencing new things, as there was always a hidden agenda, a goal and expectations. Trying to live up to the expectations of my parents and others, programmed me to have expectations on myself. I was always pressuring myself to do better, to fit in, to be accepted, to be like them, but no matter what I did, it was never good enough and I was always on the outside looking in. They seemed to be happy as they had friends, gifts, talents, influence and power that I didn’t have, and no matter how much I tried to be like them, I never fit in. No matter what I said or did, it was never enough, said or done in the right way, or at the right time.

I felt like the ugly duckling trying to become someone I wasn’t, but now things have changed. I’m no longer trying to fit in and be like the others, as I’m happy just being me and becoming all that I am. It may sound strange, but I must say that I’m now happier than I’ve ever been, even if that means being without a mate or friends, not having close contact with my family, or having any of the things I had that I thought would make me happy. I had been trying to live the illusion, the dream, and in that there was no pleasure, no joy, only the fleeting illusion of happiness, as being true and loving to oneself is where real happiness is found.

Chapter 2 - Being Different

Empathy is the ability of our Soul (Will) to be in-tune with, or to pick up on another’s thoughts, feelings and emotions as well as the subtle vibrations of energy that are undetectable to our five physical senses or even scientific equipment. The Will also has other intuitive abilities that are considered to be Extra Sensory Perception (ESP) like clairvoyance, telepathy, clairaudience, clairsentience, precognition, telekinesis, etc. Besides being able to pick up on the energy of people, this ability also includes the energy of plants, animals, objects, places, and even nonphysical beings and entities like Spirits, ghosts, ET’s, etc. Empaths possess the ability to sense other people’s energies on many different levels, not just what a person is feeling and thinking, but also their body pain. An Empath can sense the truth behind what is being hidden. While all of these qualities are unique and important, by far the most important attribute of the Will is its ability to feel and differentiate between what is loving and what is not loving. Not by words or deeds, which is how the Spirit (Mind) defines love, but by a feeling that is beyond words, or even the need for words, as the feeling of love is Heartfelt in the moment of the experience.

You’re born an Empath, it isn’t a learned behavior like reading body language. While you can mentally learn to read what another person is feeling by studying their body language, that ability is not empathic as an Empath doesn’t have to see or hear a person to know what they are thinking and feeling. Empaths can pick up on the thoughts, feelings and emotions of family, friends, peers, strangers, animals, plants and inanimate objects, and they don’t have to be near them to feel what they are feeling, but can pick up another's feelings and emotions half way around the world, or even entities that are not of this world or dimension. An Empath can sense the truth behind the facade of words and actions and is not limited to the present time, as they can also pickup on what happened to people in the past, and what will happen in the future. This knowing has no logical explanation and can’t be proven to those that can’t feel.

Being an Empath means that you have this gift from the moment you are born. As a baby, toddler, child and young adult, you are not only awash in your own feelings and emotions, but also of those around you. When you are young, you are unable to express yourself when negative energy is around you or attacking you, and so you are forced to accept this unloving energy into your Being. As you grow older you are also told not to cry or be angry, that your feelings are wrong, or that you are too sensitive. You are also told to deny your feelings and to NOT express your real feelings and emotions if expressing them would make other people sad and unhappy. Conditions like ADD, ADHD, OCD, Autism, Tourettes, etc., that have links to vaccines, GMO’s and chemicals, can also be related to childhood trauma and the continued denial of expressing ones true feelings and emotions.

Society has acceptance for denial of expressing ones true feelings and emotions and consider it as normal behavior. People deny expressing their real feelings and emotions out of a misguided concern for other people’s feelings and emotions that they believe is love, but is actually guilt. When one denies expressing what they are feeling just to make another happy or to not cause them pain, they believe they are being nice, kind and loving, when in fact it is just guild that is preventing them from being real. While this makes other people happy, it doesn’t make the Empath happy as they are left to deal with not only their denied feelings and emotions, but also those that don’t belong to them. Even if they are the ones being attacked, they deny their true expression and put on an act and a happy presentation face, showing others that they are fine and okay. This learned behavior becomes a program that they take to the grave. Without knowing the truth of their experiences and how to lovingly address their issues, they seek other ways to cope with the feelings and emotions they can feel, but don’t express or understand.

It’s not the initial negative energy that an Empath senses or picks up that is damaging, but the denial of expressing what they are picking up, including when the other person’s intent and actions are unloving. If the Empath doesn’t express what they are feeling, then by denial, they accept that energy into their energy field and physical body where it stays until such time that they release it, but if they are ignorant as to what is happening and why, they then carry this energy within them their entire lives. It is this denial, that added to other denials, causes further damage to the Empaths psyche and physical body as they then feel a host of so-called negative emotions like being lost, alone, wrong, useless, not good enough, not the same as others, too sensitive, too emotional, and the list goes on and on. Because this energy has not been expressed or released, it is stored in the physical body as imbalance or in the form of disease.

The scientific community knows that energy and matter are interchangeable, and that this energy/matter has both an electric and magnetic quality as well as a polarity to it that can be picked up by an Empath. There is a part-truth to the adage that all is energy and all is one, and that we are all connected, but, what is denied and omitted is that while all energy is one, there is some energy that has reversed its polarity resulting in the creation of duality, in that some energy is loving, while the other is not. One energy is expanding and seeking life, while the other is compressing and seeking unconsciousness and death. It is the Empaths Will (intuition and knowing) that can pickup and feel the differences between loving and unloving energy that non-Empaths are oblivious to. There are two groups of people that are opposed to an Empath expressing themselves. The first group are those that don’t have the same gifts and abilities as an Empath and think that the Empath is a threat. The second is a fellow Empath that desires to stay in denial and also considers the Empath a threat.

I’m an Empath, and all my life I’ve had to deal with the frustration and confusion of being criticized and told that my feelings and emotions were wrong when I knew otherwise, which was confirmed when the truth was finally revealed. That frustration was in part, responsible for me beginning my quest. The insights and understandings that I share in this book are things I did not know as a child, a youth, or in my adult life before I began my journey. Things that negatively affected me as an Empath are things that I have healed, and am healing. This book will help all Empaths not only understand why they feel as they do, but also give them the ability to begin to heal and empower themselves.

Humanity is not separated by our differences, but by our denials. – Shenreed

Being too Sensitive - Self-love

Being an Empath means that you are able to feel another's thoughts, feelings, and even their intent and motive. In other words, you have the gift of picking up on what people are really thinking, feeling, saying and meaning, whether they say it or not, and that includes the good and the bad. Being an Empath and wanting to heal your emotions means that you first have to determine if what you are feeling are your feelings, or if you are picking up on other people’s feelings and emotions that you believe are yours. It might also be a combination of the two, in that what you are picking up from another person is triggering your lost and denied feelings and emotions. If healing your emotions and empowering yourself is your intent, you need to be specific, and that means finding out what is what. You can't hope to begin to heal if you don't even know what is yours and what is not yours, or have the intent to dig deeper, especially into what feels uncomfortable.

Empaths are often accused and labeled as being too emotional and sensitive, and that their feelings and emotions are wrong. For the person having these feelings and emotions, it makes them feel different from the others who appear not to have the same feelings, or feel things in the same way. Not only are they labeled weird or different, but they are either shunned or ignored, or even worse, they are ridiculed and bullied. Being different is difficult to accept, as being the same as others is what we feel we need to be in order to be accepted. It’s difficult to admit and accept that we are different and to embrace that difference, instead of denying it and our power when we are having all these feelings and emotions wash over us, and when all we are trying to do is to be loved and accepted.

The fable of the ugly duckling comes to mind as that is what Empaths are. We are not a duck, we are a swan, yet we spend our lives trying to be something that we are not. As impossible as it is for a swan to be a duck, it’s just as impossible for you to deny your feelings and emotions when you have them. The swan needs to be what it is to be happy, and we need to be what we are to be happy. And for those people that are ducks, well we need to allow them to be what they are, as they can’t change anymore than we can, and feel happy about it.

When you are picking up on the energy and vibes of others, and especially negative ones, you may wish you never had the ability to feel what you are feeling. You may blame your intuition and feelings as being the problem and reason why you are too sensitive. What you are unaware of is that your intuition and feelings are your power and are what sets you apart from the others that can’t feel, that you are trying to be like. These others are energy vampires that criticize and feed on your denied feelings and emotions. As long as you believe and blame your feelings and emotions as being wrong and causing you the problems that you are having, then by your denials of these parts of you, you allow the others that are attacking you to feed off your energy. Others criticize you, and you in turn criticize your feelings and emotions. To criticize or deny any part of us means that that part of us is not accepted, that it is being shunned, rejected, ridiculed, bullied and attacked by the rest of our Being, and there is no love, self-love in that. Feeling drained and exhausted when you are around others is an example of this energy feeding and of giving your power away in a state of denial.

Once you can accept your intuition, feelings and emotions and openly express them, you stop the cycle of self-hatred and the feeding frenzy also stops. On top of that, you no longer feel the need to be like the others as you now have acceptance for who and what you are.  It's only your Mind that is being controlled by its old imprints, programs and beliefs that tries to make your feelings wrong when it is confused and in doubt, or is being triggered by a similar experience that it has already denied and is trying to avoid. If the Mind doubts its intuition, feelings and emotions, it denies a part of itself. When you really think about it, it is your Mind that hates your Will and not the others in your outer reality that your Mind is trying to please and be like, that dismiss your feelings and emotions, as they are just a reflection of what you are already doing to yourself on the inside.

Ending the Battle

We need to step out of the role of being the victim and the victim mentality that creates it, and into the role of the parent and healer that takes responsibility for what is being experienced. To do that, the Mind needs to be willing to not only recognize, but to also let go of its old imprints, programs and beliefs that have trapped it into the victim role. It has been the Mind that has been blind and ignorant to the fact that it has been the one that has been sabotaging itself. Until the Mind, who has up until now been the one that has been in control of the Will, Body and Heart, relinquishes its control long enough to see and feel what is really going on, nothing is going to change. To the Mind, the thought of letting go of being in control is terrifying as that is all it has ever known and is also what its imprints, programs and beliefs say is the truth and is what will keep it and the other parts of its Being safe.

While there are other forces at work in our outer reality that have unloving intent to control us, and the rest of society, they are not the real enemy that we need to fight. I used to believe that I had to be the warrior and fight evil on all levels. When I stuck my nose into something that smelled of unloving control and manipulation, I either got smacked, or symbolically had my head cut off. In the course of my healing journey, I've found that now, not only have I laid down my sword, but also my shield. I’ve found that it’s not about changing my outer reality by going to the other end of the denial teeter-totter and gaining control over those who I thought were controlling me, but simply a matter of ending my personal denials and speaking my truth. Anyone that has intent to control me has no hold on me when I am not in denial. I don't need a sword to fight them or a shield to protect myself from their potential attacks, as my being real (love) is all I need.

I’ve also come to realize that I can't change anyone, (period). They are what they are. I can only change myself and when I change myself, I also affect my outer reality, including the people around me. It will be slow work at first, but from what I have experienced, it's very real and effective. The more people that wake up, the more our collective consciousness will affect our reality. Of course, those that are presently in control will try to prevent this to retain control of the masses, but it will only work on those that want to be controlled, or desire to remain in denial of their Will. Freedom is a choice, as is life.

Laying Down Sword and Shield

In my past lives and in this one, I’ve been a warrior in one way or another, fighting to protect the weak, the innocent or the oppressed. The irony is that I was fighting (using force) to try to change the aggressors, to make them non-aggressive. I was fighting for a cause to bring understanding, peace, freedom and love into the world, but it was a never ending battle with no way of ever winning because it’s all about being in control. While my intent appeared to be loving, it was a bent intent as underneath it all was unloving denial, control and manipulation of self and others that only created the illusion of peace and freedom.

Now, in this present time, everyone is caught up in fighting their own inner and outer battles and soon, as conflicts increase, each will have to make their choice as to whether or not they end their denials and inner conflict, or continue as they are. It may sound cruel to say this, but you can’t save another person who doesn’t choose to save themselves, and I don’t mean in the outer experiences, I mean on an inner level where they knowingly choose to be in denial of the other parts of their Being. The only time that you can reach out and physically help another is when they are a part of your now experience. It can be that they ask you for help, or you feel drawn to help, but even then, all that you can really do is to throw them a rope and it’s up to them to choose to grab it and pull themselves to safety from the quicksand of their denials. If they don’t have the desire or intent to help themselves, then there is nothing that you can do, and it’s only guilt that is telling you that you should try harder, or sacrifice yourself to help them. The only person that you can save is yourself.

It’s like with me writing these books, I can write them to get the message out there, but people need to not only be searching for help and be willing to read them, they also need the desire and intent to put what they read into practice to see if what I say works for me, also works for them. I can’t make then read and I can’t make them change their intent or their Hearts. Whether they are the villains or victims, the power to change themselves is in their hands and if they don’t want to change, then there is nothing that I, or anyone can do to change them. This change within is not easy, in fact, it’s going to be the most difficult thing you have ever done, but it will also be the most empowering and satisfying.

Of course, there is always the old way of change, which is only a form change that gives the outer appearance of change. This old way is not about changing and empowering yourself, but about over-powering and controlling others to have them do what you want them to do, or by extending help to save others by sacrificing yourself to allow others to have the illusion of freedom. Over-powering and saving are the two opposite ends of the denial teeter-totter that have been controlling our experiences throughout all our history. The battle that I’ve been fighting has been in trying to bring balance between these two opposing elements, but only now, in this lifetime, do I realize that it is impossible, as both elements are based in denial and unlovingness and any balance is only temporary.

For things to change we need to get off the denial based teeter-totter reality, as then the base for reality becomes one of no denials, but truth and unconditional love. Everyone has a choice as to which path they are going to take, the old familiar, wide and well-traveled path of denial, or the new and narrow path of ending denials. If the reality they are experiencing is not the one they desire, then only their intent and heartfelt desire and action will get them out of the present old world and into the new world reality.

I realize now that it’s no longer my fight, duty or responsibility to try to pull or push anyone out of their old world denial based reality, but instead, to simply accept and allow them to have their freedom and choice to determine their reality. Everyone has free Will, and at some time or another, all will have the opportunity to choose to end their denials and resolve their inner conflicts, and in turn their outer battles, or not. Those choosing to remain in death creating denial will have the opportunity to do so until they have chosen to either end their denials, or to continue until they cease to exist and any of their essence that desires life is reclaimed. For those that choose life, the choice they need to make requires not only heartfelt intent and desire, but also one that is followed up by loving action that will allow them to move out of denial. The inner battle is the real battle ground as that is where the conflict begins and where it needs to end. A symbol of coming into our true power and ending this inner battle, is not only our willingness to lay down our sword, but also our shield and to allow ourselves to be totally open and vulnerable, secure in the power of unconditional love.

You give your power away when you are in a state of denial. - Shenreed

Chapter 3 - Intent

Healing and self-empowerment is about bringing light and love to those aspects of ourselves that we have denied and kept in the dark. It’s about finding our balance and the freedom to create and experience the life we have always dreamed of here on Earth. Self-empowerment also means that we need to take responsibility for all of our well-being. We have to do it for ourselves, but we don’t have to do it alone. It doesn’t matter whether we begin with the repressed and denied emotions, the mental blocks and judgments holding them down, or the imbalances held in the physical body. When we can truly accept all of our “selves” in the moment, with love in our Heart, then we are in balance and in harmony with our Spiritual Essence. Although many will talk about being open minded, facing their fears, healing their issues and emotions and taking their power back, most do not walk their talk. When given the mental, emotional and physical opportunity to do so, they will either fight to justify their old beliefs, run, or just give up. Having a healing intent means that it has to have priority in your life. If you are not prepared to fully dedicate yourself to your healing process, then your intent is bent and what you will experience is just going in circles with nothing really changing. Healing intent is not just a mental concept or verbal affirmation; it has to be followed up with heartfelt action that reflects that intent.

When you have a forthright, heartfelt healing intent, you’re not only prepared to challenge all your judgments and beliefs, but are also willing to open yourself to feel and express all the feelings and emotions you have been denying. Having loving intent doesn’t mean “talking the talk,” but “walking the talk.” If you’re not prepared to follow through on your words with actions when you are being activated by others, then know that while you may be able to fool others, you are also fooling yourself, as you will have learned nothing and will continue to go in circles. Healing can be a long drawn out and painful process, or it can be relatively swift, again, depending on your intent. It is difficult to explain what loving intent is when the unseen role of denial is not recognized or understood. I think it’s much easier to grasp what loving intent is by giving examples of unloving or bent intent, and then letting you put the pieces together. To know what love is, you need to know what love is not. Love and loving intent can be recognized when all the denials and judgments that have been hiding it have been exposed and removed.

The first step to solving a problem is being aware and acknowledging that there is a problem. – Shenreed

Intent - Courage and Denial

I’ve been involved in numerous on-line groups, chats and emails and what has been the common theme is that while people say that they want to end their denials and heal their issues, they are unaware that they are in denial of being in denial. While they may get hindsight’s and understandings about their problems and issues, without putting those hindsight’s and understandings into practice the next time they are activated, they are still in denial, and then they wonder why the same or similar issues keep coming up. Even when the unseen role of denial is exposed, it’s still denied. Some then feel that healing is impossible, while others are angry at having their hidden denials exposed, and still others feel stupid and inadequate that they didn’t see it.

In trying to address this dilemma, I looked back over my journey to see how I figured it out, and the words that kept coming to my mind were intent and courage. While denial of being in denial is the issue, the way to overcome this problem is by not only having the intent to become aware of, and to end ones denials, but to also have the courage to do it, to put thoughts and feelings into action. I’m not saying that my personal way and experiences is the only way, but if a person’s prime intent is to end denials and to heal ones issues, then there is only one way that works as any denial, however subtle, negates the intent. While people have the same intent, (after identifying their bent intents and changing them) every person’s journey and experiences are different, and while each person will have to face their individual denials to heal their issues, there is only one way to end denial with only one result, as there are no alternatives, except those that contain denial. While it may not be apparent, what is also involved here is not only the difference between denial and no denial, but the difference between conditional and unconditional love.

As an example, while there are many paths and routes to the top of a mountain, the one thing that is common for all that reach the peak is the view from the top. There is only one view from the top of the mountain and that is an unrestricted 360-degree panoramic view, including the views of the different paths to the summit. Anything short of reaching the summit is not having an unrestricted (unconditional) point–of-view, but a restricted (conditional) one, as something will be blocking or denying your view. While you may have intent, you will never reach your goal of experiencing unconditional love if you don’t make the effort to climb your mountain, and climbing it will take both heartfelt intent and courage as this journey is all about you, and in uncovering and healing what you have been avoiding and denying. Each experience and issue we have is basically another mountain that we must climb in our own way. Each mountain we climb and journey we take builds upon the previous, and so onward and upward we go, and as we do, we heal and empower ourselves. We then look back at our journey with gratitude and confidence saying, “Been there done that,” and eagerly look forward with excitement to the new challenges and healing opportunities that the next mountain will bring us. Of course, once we’ve climbed a mountain and reached the summit by ending our denial of an issue we had, we’ll also experience and know what unconditional love is. We will also know if others have climbed their mountain by what they say or don’t say, as like I said, there is only one view from the top of a mountain, and only one feeling of unconditional love that is universal, while conditional love has infinite feelings and definitions, depending on the amount of denial present.

The Truth is simple, it’s the lies and denials that make things complicated. – Shenreed

Intent - Healing Begins in the Heart

When you’re activated into your issues and are in denial, you’re on auto-pilot and running on your old imprints, programs and beliefs. You’re either blaming others or yourself for what you’re feeling, or you’re trying to please others or yourself by doing things to avoid what you’re feeling. Being in a state of denial, and in denial of being in denial, you’re unaware that your Mind is slowly becoming less aware of your reality. It’s like your Mind is in a fog or is trapped in quicksand, and the more it struggles to free itself, the deeper it sinks. As it slips deeper into denial, it becomes slow and lethargic and begins to lose consciousness and its reality becomes surreal. The Mind finds it difficult to think and rationalize clearly as it keeps telling the same old story, asking the same old questions, and doing the same old things over and over again. And even when it does get a moment of awareness, when it is lucid and gets an answer or hindsight, it quickly forgets what it has just realized, and even if they are told to write down their problems, issues, realizations and hindsight’s, the Mind is easily distracted and forgets that writing was even suggested. Alzheimer’s and dementia are prime examples of a Mind losing consciousness because of the unseen role of denial.

Even though your Mind is in this fog, it is aware of the other voices that are controlling and manipulating it, telling it what it should or shouldn’t do, and that is also something that needs to be addressed if healing is the intent. As well as all the controlling voices that your Mind is listening to, there is also a small voice that is telling it that denial is not working and that you (your Mind) needs to change its point-of-view if healing is its intent. This small voice is the one that is not only aware of your denials, failures and hindsight’s but of your potential as well. This small voice is the voice of your Heart, but if the Mind is not open to listening to its Heart, (Love) then nothing will change and the downward cycle will just continue.

What is holding the Mind in its closed position are its imprints, programs and beliefs and its attachments to people, places and things that it thinks it can’t live without. Even if the Mind is aware that its beliefs or what it is attached to is unloving and abusive, it prefers that to the unknown as that is all it has ever known. It is unknowingly addicted to hate and thinks that guilt and self-sacrifice are love. That is where Heart comes into play. Heart and the other parts of your Being (Will and Body) desire life, but as hard as they desire freedom and life, it is the Mind that has been, and is in control of them, and so for the Mind to give up its position of power and control is terrifying to the Mind. Part of what the Mind fears is that if it lets go of being in control of the other parts of its Being, that it will be controlled by them. Once the Mind is aware that Heart is not pressuring or forcing it to change, but is lovingly asking the Mind to choose another position, other than the position it has always had that has not solved the problems or issues, then the Mind can accept input from Heart. Once the Mind has opened itself to accept input from Heart, it can then begin to accept input from the other parts of its Being. As it does, its awareness and understandings will increase and it begins to lift itself out of the fog that it was in, and begins to see things as they really are, and not how they appeared to be. That is the shift that allows healing and empowerment to take place. You literally have to pull yourself up and out of the fog or quicksand by your bootstraps.

While others can reflect your issues by activating you, or by sharing their insights and understandings of your denials and issues, that action can be compared to someone throwing you a rope when you are trapped in quicksand. It’s you that needs to grab the rope and then pull yourself out of the quicksand of your denials. It just so happens that when you’re trapped in this place that things will feel the darkest; you feel that you are in hell and that everyone and everything is against you and that healing is impossible. This is when the Mind is stirred by its imprints, programs and beliefs and gaps, (fights, runs or gives up) and tries to find a quick fix solution to its problems. When things don’t go as expected and the Mind has gapped, it feels the need to rant and rage about the dilemma it’s in and how no one wants to help, or that the help being given isn’t the right help, by the right person, in the right way, at the right time, or that it isn’t enough help. and no matter what anyone says or does, there will always be a problem with the message or the messenger, or in the way in which the message is given. When you find yourself in this gap, writing in your journal is a good way to help the Mind see the problems and issues that it needs to heal. It’s also a way to get the Mind to see the hindsight’s and realizations it has received in the moments when it was lucid, and to see how the patterns have been repeating themselves and that the present denial based solutions are not working. If you can’t love yourself enough to try to help yourself in every way you can, then no amount of external help is going to feel right, or give you what you need to heal. That’s why my motto is, “Healing begins in the Heart.”

Heart and Loving Intent - RUOW

The RUOW material was first published in 1984, and I’ve been involved with the books since 1997. I had my first healing experience in 1999, and my awakening in 2000. During that time I was working with a couple of people that were using these books and who also had intent to heal their issues and emotions. While they were instrumental in helping me in my early healing work, as unbelievable as it seems, they are still going around in circles and being activated into the same old issues they had when I was working with them, as they’re still stuck in their old points-of-view. While we had the same opportunity for healing, only one, (me) was able to come out of the experience with healing, insights and understandings, while the others gapped in denial and have been stuck there ever since.

I looked back at the experiences we had together and I understood what they had gone through and were going through, and I also knew what was needed for them to get themselves unstuck. At that time, I was still trying to help and save them, yet nothing I said was being heard and I couldn’t understand why. I was rejected and accused of being an insensitive know-it-all, and a holier than thou asshole. Although I could understand why unloving people rejected me, for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why loving people did too. I’ve since had several insights as to why, and the biggest reason is that they are in denial, and in denial of being in denial, and are not yet ready to move off their point-of-view which they consider the truth. They also don’t have the intent or Heart to do what it takes to love themselves unconditionally. While they may think and say that they love themselves unconditionally, that’s not the truth because they still don’t know what unconditional love is because they’re still in denial and can’t put their words into action.

For years, I’ve searched for like minded, feeling and intent people and I’ve been in numerous groups both physical and on the internet, and while I’ve been contacted by people involved in RUOW, I have yet to meet one person that I feel is of genuine loving intent and is “walking their talk.” I see and hear people boasting that they have been working with RUOW material for 20 or more years, as if time was some sort of criteria for healing and evolving their Will. They talk about doing emotional work, releasing judgments and doing body work, and while there is emotional movement, there is no progress as it’s just talk as none have the intent and Heart presence to commit to action what the RUOW material has to offer.

Most of the RUOW material puts emphasis on healing and evolving the Will (the feeling and emotional body) and the RUOW people that I’ve met are focused on just that, and in doing so, they’ve missed a very key point that enables healing to take place. It’s not mentioned very often in the books but the “key” to any and all healing has to begin in the Heart, not the Will. Healing begins in the Heart because if you can’t come from a place of unconditional love and acceptance and be as real as you can be in the moment, then any work you do is not only wasted, but also serves to widen the gap between the Mind (Spirit) and Will (Soul), or any other parts of our Being. In order for unconditional love and acceptance to be expressed, Heart needs to be born in the gap with the Mind and Will present. Instead of Heart, we’ve been experiencing heartlessness, and especially heartlessness toward the Will by the Mind.

When you have real intent to heal you also have Heart presence, then and only then can you begin to heal your Will and Spirit, to find balance and to “walk your talk.” Without Heart (Unconditional Love) presence, Spirit can’t accept the Wills feelings and the Will can’t accept Spirits understandings. Without Heart, all it is an “act of love” and not loving presence. The Will isn’t going to open to what it feels is unloving, no matter what Spirit says, as love is something that is felt and you can’t fool the Will if unconditional love is not present.

I did a quick search of my RUOW books using the index I made on the blank pages in the back of the books, and I found a few pages that I had referenced as Heart. I’m not going to quote them; instead I’ll just give you the page numbers so that anyone that is also reading the RUOW books can read the paragraphs for themselves. However, I am going to present a couple of quotes just for some food for thought for those that are not familiar with the books.

Book 1 - Blue Book - Right Use of Will - Page 6

Book 2 - Purple Book - Original Cause - Page xi

Book 5 - Yellow book - Heart Song - Pages 49, 115, 186, 189, 192

Book 8 - Indigo Book – Indigo- Page 249

“To find balance now means going back over the pieces and putting them back together again, even the missing, not vibrating and seemingly dead pieces, but finding the balance point is necessary and it is your journey to self awareness that never took place in the beginning or We would not have the healing on Our hands that We do, but no matter how it looks to you now, healing can be found if you have a loving heart, because that is where the balance point is going to be found.”

Book 2 Original Cause The unseen role of denial, Page 163

“The balance of Spirit and Will is important now because neither one can live without the other, and harmony can never be found unless they balance in the Heart.”

Bent intent - Hidden Agenda - Ignorance

In the course of my journey, I’ve come to realize that there is a sinister and unseen role that denial plays in our ability to heal and empower ourselves, and that is when one is in denial of being in denial. While those seeking to heal and empower themselves may think they are open, honest and have loving intent, that intent is bent or twisted by the unseen role of denial, judgments and expectations. If ones intent is not clear and focused, then it’s impossible to see ones denials, or to be open to end them when they are exposed.

While the conscious intent may be to heal and empower oneself, it’s the underlying judgments, expectations and denials that sabotage healing as there is a hidden agenda or ulterior motive that is not being recognized. The ulterior motive may be to prove that you are worthy, that you are not a failure, that you will make them love and accept you, that you are right and they are wrong, or to gain power over those that have abused you. Other hidden agendas may be to make lots of money so that you are able to do the things you want, being famous and accepted, doing good deeds, being a good wife, mother, husband, father, saving others or the planet, etc. Whatever our hidden agenda is, we always fall short as we continually need to do more or better, as we are never satisfied in our drive for perfection that is never obtainable. These are just a few of the hidden agendas that thwart healing, that keep you running around in circles and thinking and feeling that healing is impossible. And until that intent issue is addressed, nothing changes as what you were striving so hard to achieve in denial, will be slipping away from you.

Once you have found the bent intent and the hidden judgments or expectations, you then need to revise your intent to find the underlying issues and beliefs surrounding the hidden agenda, and once you have those resolved, you can then revise your intent and follow up to see if there are any other hidden agendas. Seeing the blatant judgments and denials is easy, it’s the subtle hidden ones that are difficult to identify but are just as effective in blocking healing. If you are unable to see your hidden denials and agenda, then allow others to help you see what you are missing. But even if others are able to tell you what your bent intent is, it is still difficult for your Mind to change as it is still working on its old imprints, programs and beliefs and it needs to see it for itself in order to really change. But taking another’s input and having the intent to see and feel what you have not been aware of the next time you are activated, will begin the process of change and healing.

Another version of bent intent and the unseen role of denial is in the form of ignorance, genuine or feigned. The most obvious form of genuine ignorance is where a person has reduced mental ability and is unable to think and reason beyond a certain level. The less obvious is either in the form of a learned, or a not learned behavior, created by early imprinting and programming where one lacks certain knowledge and mental skills because they were either not taught, or they were taught misinformation. Yet another is where a person has book knowledge but doesn’t have the experience. Feigned ignorance is when one has the mental intelligence, knowledge and ability to solve their problems and issues, but instead, they pretend that they are ignorant and helpless and want others to do it for them, which is a subtle way of controlling others. When that person no longer serves them in the way they desire, they quickly find another that will. They have no  intent to heal even though they will adamantly state otherwise. When you are unsure if you are dealing with genuine or feigned ignorance, the solution is simple, treat them both the same way and the truth will quickly become evident. If a person is ignorant, but has healing intent, then they will be open to what you have to share and offer, but if a person is feigning ignorance, any help you offer will be met with resistance, criticism and denial that your help is not the help they need.

If you lack the ability or desire to have your Mind participate in deductive reasoning to find and solve your problems and issues, then you will just keep going around in circles as you will have learned nothing from your past experiences. You may have some superficial knowledge of your problems and issues but if you lack the problem solving skills and the intent to dig below the surface, which includes challenging and changing how the Mind thinks, nothing changes. Without your Mind to help give you understandings as to what you are thinking, feeling and experiencing, healing is impossible. You need to be able to sort things out, to analyze and to learn from your experiences in order to understand, heal and evolve.

I’m not saying that you have to be an Einstein, or have an IQ of 150, but that you need to be able to problem solve, and also have the awareness to put what you have deduced from past experiences into action. You may have book knowledge and an exceptional memory and can recount past experiences, names and dates with ease, or you may know the words to hundreds of songs, or remember actors and actresses personal lives and all the movies they’ve been in. You may be a mental whiz at work, but when it comes to solving your personal problems and issues, you draw a blank. You have a Mind, how you use it, or don’t use it, is your choice. What I’m trying to say is if using your Mind to solve your problems and issues is something that you have never done but you are willing to learn, or if you have learned denial based problem solving habits and are willing to change, then you can begin to heal and empower yourself. But that is a choice and intent that only you can make.

When you’re aware that you’re lying, avoiding, omitting and denying, or that you’re confused, but afraid to ask questions or challenge another, that is when you need to make a conscious choice to end what you have been habitually doing, that is, following your old imprints, programs and beliefs. When you have this awareness, you can now choose to do the opposite. This is where courage comes in, courage to walk your talk and to put your awareness into action that will bring healing and self-empowerment, instead of being the victim and going around in circles.

Bent Intent - Control

Trying to change the existing social system to make a better world is yet another form of bent intent. I say bent intent because while you may think that with your “positive” attitude you are creating a positive social change, you are in actuality trying to force another to change and to be in control of them. It’s simply the other end of the denial teeter-totter. Saving the rain forests, whales or whatever, is not addressing the underlying issue of why they are in danger in the first place. Ending clear cut logging or the killing of whales doesn’t change the mentality of the people that are doing it. If you did manage to stop them, they will just find another form that they could exploit and then another group would form to try to stop them.

Maybe a better example would be a neighborhood committee that is set up to get rid of a local drug problem. They unite and work hard to remove this unwanted element from their community and finally, the pushers and dealers get the message that they are not wanted and they leave. Sure, the problem seems to have been solved, but all that has really happened is that the dealers and pushers have just moved to a different area to set up shop and all the addicts will be following them, and now, someone else will have to deal with the problem. It’s a never ending cycle and battle for control and while it appears to be on the side of good, if you look at it closely, you see that it’s bent intent. It’s using the old system to try to change the system and that doesn’t and never will work because of the old imprints, programs, and beliefs that are still in place, and until that changes, nothing changes.

Another version of bent intent is when you are being activated by a present experience; say one of feeling rejected. You think that if you can just talk to the person that is rejecting you and threatening to abandon you, that you can get them to understand you, or that you will be able to reach some form of compromise so that they will not leave and you will not feel abandoned and alone. If successful, you believe that you have healed your issue, but in reality, your Mind was just searching for a quick fix solution to regain control, and was not looking at healing your unresolved issues of rejection and abandonment. The only reason that you were being activated in the first place was because you have unresolved issues of being abandoned and rejected that you haven’t healed that predates the present relationship. So while your intent was focused on healing the present abandonment issue (the outer reflection) you missed the real issue because of your bent intent.

The real intent needs to focus on healing the inner and outer child, those parts of you that are feeling rejected and abandoned by you and are alone, and are in part, responsible for creating this outer reflection to remind you of what really needs to be healed. This outer reflection is merely a tool to be used to reach and heal these lost parts of you. Healing the outer reality is not healing your real issues, but using the outer reality as a reflection to enable you to address and heal your inner issues will then change your outer reality. Once you have healed those lost parts of you, abandonment will no longer be an issue and will not be experienced in your outer reality. It’s all a matter of cause and effect.

Loving and Unloving Intent

Loving intent that is bent and twisted by imprints, programs and beliefs and the unseen role of denial, is different than unloving intent. While both end up with the same result, loving intent is not conscious or aware of the consequences of their words or actions, whereas unloving intent comes from the conscious awareness and deliberate intent to control, manipulate and inflict pain and suffering. Loving intent attempts to move toward healing whenever possible, even when the way to healing is not understood at first. Unloving intent seeks only to find new ways to maintain control over others that it fears will usurp its power.

Loving intent can be misguided and misinformed, but malice of forethought is not the agenda or object of its intent, even though malice is the result. With unloving intent, both the object and result are of malice as there is no love present. But, having said all that, there is also the exception where unloving intent disguises itself as loving intent, and plays ignorance and innocence to gain control over others, and until it is challenged, its hidden agenda is not exposed. That is just one exception, and as you can see, it’s not an easy task recognizing who is who, especially when you have been triggered and activated into your issues and are reacting to your old imprints, programs and beliefs. If in doubt, give yourself the benefit of the doubt and challenge the person to find their true intent. Ask direct questions and don’t beat about the bush, as that is also denial and is yet another subtle version of bent intent.

When all that is false has been removed, the truth becomes obvious. - Shenreed

Chapter 4 - Living the Illusion

When I first started my journey, I was aware of my feelings and emotions but I was also a master at controlling them, especially in public. I had a poker face most of the time and both good and bad feelings were shut down. I wouldn’t allow myself to be too happy as that might make other people unhappy, and showing any form of so-called negative emotions, especially in public was a definite no-no. I honestly, but naively believed that by denying my emotions, I was protecting and loving others and myself. Rarely would I express or even talk about my real feelings, and most of what I allowed to be expressed was denied rage, in lieu of the real feelings that I had held back and denied when I felt them. Denying and suppressing my feelings and emotions was such a slow and subtle process that began as an infant, that I wasn’t even conscious or aware of what I was doing and what I had become in the process. I was an actor and the world was my stage, I was living the illusion.

When I found the RUOW books they were all about expressing feelings and emotions and that idea was totally opposite to what I had been doing, but I was also intrigued by the idea that what I desired was also the opposite to what I was experiencing, so why not try doing the opposite? Instead of pushing the door that was not opening, I would try pulling it to see if it would open. It was a shift in consciousness and also the key to uncovering the truth I had been unaware of that was creating my reality. But saying that is one thing, doing it is quite another, because as soon as you let go of control, you open Pandora’s box and not only do your real emotions begin to surface, but also your false emotions, imprints, programs and beliefs. Now you need to begin the task of separating what is real from what is not, what is you from what is not you.

In the following sub-chapters, I’m going to give some examples of living the illusion, that will give you some food for thought as to what is really going on behind the scenes. While I’ll try to keep them in some kind of order, what is really important is for you to try to get a view of the big picture by looking at the small details that go unnoticed. Examining the pieces of the puzzle will help you connect the dots of how they apply to your life and your experiences. Connecting the dots, making the association, is also awakening your consciousness.

Hope is based on expectation, used to replace the word doubt. - Shenreed

Battle of the Sexes

A common issue that people have is this constant outer battle of the sexes. If it’s not about a present relationship, then it’s about a past or possible future one. They are either fighting about issues of losing control, or of being controlled. At the same time, they are also searching for that perfect mate that will solve all their problems and make them feel good. In all aspects of society there is this seen and unseen battle of the sexes going on where each man and woman is protecting their gender role model as dictated by society and their customs and traditions. This is the external battle of the sexes and is but a reflection of the inner battle that each gender (man and woman) has within themselves. Man-woman, husband-wife, boyfriend-girlfriend, brother-sister, employer-employee, are common areas of conflict that have gender issues.

People are quick to judge and focus on the external battle because they are unaware that the outer battle is merely a reflection of their inner battle. The inner battle is over-looked as it is far easier to blame another person, place or thing as being the problem, rather than looking within at one’s own issues. The real healing that needs to take place is in ending this inner battle between Spirit (Mind, thought, intellect, ideas and reason) and Soul (Will, Intuition, feelings, emotions, and knowing.) Many people will dismiss the fact that there even is an inner battle, as they believe that their Mind is in control of everything they are experiencing. Still others have no real feelings or emotions and so they deem that the only gender problem they have is the external conflict that arises between the sexes.

To begin to heal, you need to get out of the box so that you can really have a look at what is in the box. It’s like a hoarder looking out their window and believing that their life is fine, while in complete denial that their house is packed to the rafters with stuff, and that they have problems and issues. If you are not blaming another for your problems and issues, then you’re blaming another part of yourself internally. Either way, you’re trapped in the box as all that you can see is that one point-of-view and hence, you fail to see the real problems and issues and is the reason that these problems never seem to resolve themselves, no matter what you do.

Confrontation and Intimidation

A big issue we all have is with confrontation and trying to avoid it. While on the surface, all conflict appears to be one and the same, there are in fact two entirely different factions at play, and each are at the opposite ends of the spectrum. One form is the Spirit polarity people that are in a position of power who use intimidation to control and manipulate others to do what is aligned with their hidden agenda. Their fear is that of losing control of being in a position of power over others. At the other end of the spectrum are the Will polarity people that feel powerless and feel they have no control. They are always afraid that they are going to do or say something that will create conflict, as saying or doing anything in opposition to those in control creates conflict. The Will polarity people are also afraid to express themselves as they not only feel their feelings and emotions are wrong, but that they are deemed to be the problem and the cause of the conflict. But, there is always the proverbial but, in that a Will polarity person in denial is also in control and seeking to control self or others. To confuse things even more, Spirit polarity people can act the part of not having any power or control in their lives, playing the “oh poor me” syndrome as a way to control others into helping them. But, again another but, this same “oh poor me” syndrome is also played out with a Will polarity person that is trapped and going in circles because of their denials and fear of confrontation and feeling they don’t have any power. As you can see, it’s confusing and difficult to know what is really going on by merely looking at the surface, you need to dig deeper to find the truth.

The more you get into ending your denials, the more you begin to see how twisted and convoluted this whole duality reality really is. Trying to figure out who is who and what is what, is an endless and impossible task. Trying to define and change the system is also pointless and impossible, as those in power keep changing the rules to suit their denied hidden agendas. However, there is one way to end the cycle of conflict without trying to change the system, as changing the system would still involve denial and power and control issues. The way to end the cycle of conflict is to step off the not-so-merry-go-round of the old system reality, and into a new reality that is created when denials are ended.

The key to removing yourself from the old system and cycle is by clearing the air, by ending your denials and challenging what is being said or done. To do that you need to be real and express what you are really feeling in the moment you feel you are being attacked and controlled by another, and that includes any man, woman, child, elderly, cripple, animal, in fact, anyone or anything that you feel is trying to overpower you must be challenged. Challenging them and being forthright will expose their true intent and will empower you. Not that you will now have power and control over them, but that you have ended your denials of self by expressing yourself and in so doing, you are not accepting their unloving energy that they are using to control you, which they would if you were in denial. Expressing your inner truth in the present moment is the self-love that empowers you and puts an end to both the inner and outer battles.

Body Excitement - Feelings and Sensations

There is confusion between the excitement and joy that is generated in the Body by the release of “feel good” chemicals, and the various Will based feelings and emotions that not only include excitement and joy, but also terror, heartbreak, rage and everything in-between, that also produce chemicals that the body responds to. The chemicals and hormones released by various thrill producing experiences affect neurotransmitters and nerves controlling various functions of our Body. Adrenaline is basically responsible for the heart rate and a feeling of a restless excitement, while Serotonin and Dopamine create feelings of happiness and euphoria. The adrenaline rush is something that you experience when you watch or take part in an event that involves some form of heightened mental/physical activity, or when you’re suddenly startled and your Body goes into its fight or flight mode. With an adrenaline rush, you feel a sudden surge of energy and a feeling of power. You experience the euphoric “feel good” feelings produced by Serotonin and Dopamine in any number of ways, like being with friends, eating, listening to music, having sex, exercising, enjoying a hobby, denial based meditation, etc., where your cares and worries drop away from your conscious Mind.

It’s not that these body sensations are bad, but that the intent behind them is bent by denial, and becomes a habit and also mistakenly accepted as self-love. The problem is that these physically induced euphoric states of consciousness are addictive, as they are a quick fix to give us a thrill and make us feel good, when we are actually feeling the opposite. You may not agree with me if you feel that I’m raining on your parade, but the reality is that you need to identify and separate them from your real feelings if healing and evolving your emotions is your intent. How to recognize this thrill-seeking pattern is to become aware that you are always looking for more, bigger and better experiences, as simply repeating the same old thrill just doesn’t do it for you anymore. This constant drive for more not only pushes one to the edge of their physical limits, but into taking dangerous risks that can cause physical injury and even death, as cheating death is yet another twisted form of excitement for those that don’t feel alive in any other way.

You need to get in touch with your Will based feelings and emotions so that you can differentiate them from your Body’s feelings and sensations that are caused by feel good chemicals as the result of some physical activity or experience. You also need to separate your feelings and emotions into the ones that are being loved and accepted, from those that are being rejected and denied, the ones that you have a reaction to. You have locked up the expression of your Will’s true feelings and emotions, especially of terror and heartbreak, so much so that you are numb to them, and so to feel anything, you need to have the thrill sensation of an adrenaline rush that gives you a momentary sense of excitement and of being alive. There is however one emotion that you do feel, and that is your denied rage and depending on your imprints, programs and beliefs, is either expressed externally or internally. It is this denied rage that is the driving force for you to do more or be the best, as whatever you have done is never good enough. Denied rage will only be happy when you are dead.

Being Bored - Keeping Busy - Self-gratification

You feel bored whenever you feel you a lack excitement in your life and feel a need to be stimulated. Not being happy with your present situation, you seek the type of excitement that you get from an adrenaline rush or the feel good sensations you get from Serotonin and Dopamine. This form of excitement is manipulated and not the same as the spontaneous and joyous excitement that one experiences when there is no need or expectation. Being bored also brings up the issues of being confined and restricted, again, of not being able to do what makes you feel good that is an escape from what you are really feeling. Another aspect of being bored is that of having no feelings or emotions, or having suppressed them, which relates to the need of having a quick fix adrenaline rush to replace the lack of feelings and emotions in order to feel alive. If it wasn’t for the excitement of an adrenaline rush you would feel nothing but empty, and of course, bored.

Besides wanting the constant feeling of an adrenaline rush, there are literally countless ways people seek to overcome their feelings of boredom to escape the feelings, emotions and issues that they don’t want to feel, or feel they can’t express. Eating, watching TV, playing video games, texting, cell phone, internet, sleeping, keeping busy, cleaning, exercising, playing sports, working, hobby, talking, volunteering, and the list goes on and on. Along with these activities is the underlying need to feel useful and have some sense of self-worth, if not by the acceptance and admiration of others, then in a false sense of self-accomplishment and worth that constantly needs to be reinforced with repetitive tasks that serve no real purpose, except to perpetuate denial of the real issues.

When people are bored and feel trapped, that is also when they are activated into panic attacks and then into depression and heartbreak. It’s a never ending cycle that keeps repeating itself as we have been looking at the symptoms and using quick fix feel good remedies, and not addressing the cause. Being bored is just the symptom of much deeper issues. Being bored is also associated with ADD, ADHD, OCD, Tourettes, etc, where the person is hyperactive, inattentive, distracted, impulsive, irritable, etc., as the need for constant stimulation is required in order to keep the Mind from feeling what it doesn’t want to feel, or feels it can’t express.

I’m sure that you all know this type of person, one that imposes themselves on others, either aggressively or passive aggressively, and will do or say whatever it takes just as long as they get what they want. Some would describe these people as greedy, jealous, aggressive, ambitious, domineering, intimidating, theatrical, secretive, competitive, systematic, conceited, egotistical, unpredictable, flatterer, friendly, cynical, aloof, ruthless, self centered, racist, bigot and the list is endless. When challenged, they will either completely deny their actions and intent, or they will try to justify them as being loving. If that doesn’t work they may try to feign ignorance with a, I didn’t know, or say they are sorry, but that doesn’t stop them from doing it again. While they may do nice or kind things for others, there is always a hook in that it is never really free, as they will call in their favors when it suits them. Of course if they are happy, they are absorbed in themselves and their experience, but that is short lived and soon they are on the prowl again. Part of the social culture that is associated with this type of person is the denial based mentality of having a positive attitude, as in being positive, they deny anything that is considered negative and doing things that make them happy is of course, deemed to be positive and loving. This isn’t self love, it’s self-gratification.

Most people think that they love themselves when they are doing things that gives them pleasure and makes them happy. For women, it might be getting their hair and nails done, buying nice clothes, pampering themselves or getting something for the house, etc. For men, it might be getting a new toy, going golfing or whatever sport they are interested in, having a night out with the boys, etc. This form of self-gratification is not only a quick fix, but it also sets the stage for more, bigger, better, faster, etc, as one is never happy with what they have. They soon become bored and unhappy, and instead of addressing the underlying feelings and emotions, they simply look for another quick fix, hoping that the next one is the one they have been looking for. The reason they move to gratify themselves in this manner is because it’s the only way they know that makes them feel good about themselves, even if it’s short lived and they soon need another quick fix. When they feel good about themselves, they also feel good about other people that are aligned with them. They gather about themselves people, places and things in the false hope that one of them will bring them lasting happiness and joy. While they bring temporary happiness, it never lasts and soon they are looking for something new and better. The impulse buyer is also part of this group that just has to have what they see in that moment. The term “consumer” is a good description of how they go through life.

The above descriptions not only apply to the Spirit Polarity and denial Spirits, but also apply to Will polarity people in denial. Because of the denials present in our social imprints, programs and beliefs, history is doomed to repeat itself. Children either grow up to be just like their parents, or they do the opposite, thinking that they are different, but all they have done is gone to the opposite end of the denial teeter-totter. What both have in common is denial, which is also the link in the chain that keeps history repeating itself. Trying to change the system or yourself, without ending the denials will only result in failure as you’re trying to build a future based on old imprints, programs and beliefs and are not living in the present moment.

Love starved - Addicted to Hate

People that are love starved will accept anything that they think and believe is love, even if it is totally the opposite, hate. They are like a person that has been lost in the desert and dying of thirst. They see a mirage and think that they’ve found water and will automatically reach for and begin drinking sand. They’re not drinking the sand because they know it’s sand, they’re drinking it because they believe it’s water. They are desperate, confused and don’t know the difference, and can’t think logically as they are running on imprints, programs and beliefs. The same is true for people that are loved starved, that will do and accept anything in order to feel wanted and needed. They are so filled with denied hatred for others that it manifests as self-hatred that is addicted to the unlovingness and hatred of others.

Part of the problem we have when we lack self-love is that we become  desperate to be loved and accepted by others. We honestly believe that if we can please another and make them happy, then we will be loved and happy. The irony is that despite all the effort and self-sacrificing, the reverse is what happens and we are left feeling miserable, rejected, alone and heartbroken. We sink further into self-hatred where we deem ourselves a failure and vow to continue to fight for love and to find new ways to get people to accept and love us, but no matter what we do, it never works or lasts. We look to others to give us want we can’t give ourselves, that being love, and no matter how much we sacrifice ourselves in the name of love, love is one thing that we will not receive, as what is being reflected to us in our relationships are our denials. The more we sacrifice ourselves, the more crippled we become and unable to live life as we would like to.

Abused babies, toddlers and young children that are either unable to verbally and physically express themselves, or if they do, are abused even more, are the most severely imprinted and programmed. Habitual abuse imprints and programs the young Mind that this form of abuse is normal, especially if it is coming from parents or family members. Mental, emotional or physical abuse also imprints the impressionable Mind into thinking that there is something wrong with them and that they didn’t please their parents, otherwise they wouldn’t be punished. The young child feels that they are not good enough, not worthy of being loved and so they accept unloving abuse as either punishment, or as a lesson meant to remind them to try harder at pleasing those that hate them. Parents are the key role model, and the child tries to follow its parents lead. When the parents are not pleased with the child or its actions, or they are taking out their denied issues on the child, the child thinks that it must be wrong and at fault for making its parents unhappy, otherwise, they would be happy and not unloving as they are. When a child has been abused to the breaking point (fragmentation), a sense of hopelessness sets in and it accepts hate and abuse as its lot in life. These children often withdraw into themselves and create an inner shell to protect what they can of that part of themselves that still clings to life and the desire to be loved and accepted. ADD, ADHD, OCD, Tourettes, etc, are all symptoms that have links to this form of self-hatred.

As you grow older, you still yearn (hope, dream and desire) to be accepted and loved, and so you gravitate to anyone that shows you any act of kindness or attention, even if it is unloving and negative. You tolerate mental, emotional and physical abuse as it’s at least attention, and they are the only ones paying any attention to you. You also accept this abuse thinking that at least you are not alone, that you are useful and serving a purpose. The oxymoron is that while you are addicted to hate, you also hate conflict and being attacked and rejected. In your twisted Mind, twisted by unloving imprints, programs and beliefs, you accept and tolerate any abuse as long as there is some act of kindness involved that makes you feel that there is hope. Blinded by this false hope, you dig even deeper to try to please them (self-sacrifice) as you believe that if they are talking to you and not abusing you, that they forgive you and that things will be better. You especially feel hopeful if they say they are sorry, or that they didn’t mean to say or do what they did, but it’s all an illusion, as when they come at you again, you feel like you are being sucked up by a giant vacuum cleaner and falling into a deep black hole of despair and depression, feeling even more alone, unloved and heartbroken.

You were imprinted at an early age, and before you were old and big enough to stop the abuse, you were already addicted to it and a slave to whoever pulled the right strings to make you do their bidding, be it a cold shoulder, money or whatever form of emotional blackmail worked. It’s hate, along with controlling and heartless rage that you’re addicted to, that’s coming at you, ready to explode like a volcano at any moment, just waiting to erupt, kill and devour any movement of your feelings and emotions. This unloving rage wants an automated, obedient zombie, and if it can't control your feelings and emotions, then it wants to kill them so that it can be at peace. There was no love for you when you were a child, only the false hope and the illusion of love. This pattern then plays itself out in your experiences in adult life as others seem to have power over you, and use whatever method that works to control and manipulate you. While you may think that you are a coward and afraid of other people, what you are really afraid of is being who you really are. The adage that opposites attract is also a fitting description of this love starved imprint and program where women are attracted to bad boys, and men to women that have bad girl qualities. They both ignore and deny any wrong doing and focus only on whatever loving things they say or do, also in the false hope that they can somehow change the undesirable qualities of the other if they give them what they want.

Accidents - Denial and Lessons

When we fail to understand the unseen role that denial plays in our interactions with other people, places and things, the Universe has other ways to show us what we are doing to ourselves. When our Mind denies and overrides the input from our Will, Heart and Body, we suffer the consequences of our unloving action. An example might be where you’re driving your car and are in a hurry to get to your destination. You round a corner and see a rock in the middle of the road. Your eyes (Body) sees the rock, and your Will (intuition) says to slow down and drive around it, as driving over it will damage the car. Your Mind, being in a hurry, (judgment and expectations) chooses to ignore all the warning signals and proceeds to drive over the rock and in the process, you hear a thud and then a sickening grinding sound as the car shutters and quakes as it passes over the rock.

When clear of the rock, you stop the car, get out and look under your vehicle. You feel sick as you see oil dripping from the engine oil pan as the rock put a hole in it. Now you’re angry, blaming the rock or the unknown person that you think put the rock in the middle of the road, or you blame the car as being too low. Finally, after you’ve exhausted yourself in trying to blame others, you blame yourself as you should have been a better driver, or should have taken another route as now you are not only inconvenienced, but repairing the car will cost you time and money. You also begin to make judgments like, you are not going to drive on that road again, or that you are going to get a different, higher vehicle so that this doesn’t happen. You also claim that you are the victim, that life is unfair, and that you are not lucky as bad things always seem to happen to you.

Although you blame yourself, you are in denial of what really happened and why it happened. What you have failed to realize is the unseen role of denial that is at play in your experience. Your eyes warned you of the rock and your Will warned you that driving over it was not a good choice. The Mind had all this information yet it chose to deny and override the Body’s and Will’s input that would have protected the car and also saved you time and money. In overriding the Body’s and Will’s input, the Mind also overrode its Heart, as what it did, it did without love.

Your Mind chose to ignore them and did what it wanted to do in a denied state of rage that was directed at the rock for being in the way, and also at the input it was getting from Body and Will that was also telling the Mind to slow down. When the Mind is in denial of any part of itself, it is being controlled by unloving light and denied rage. In other words, the Mind was saying, “I’m in control, the hell with the rock, it shouldn’t be there, I don’t have time for games, I’m driving over it,” and the rest is (His Story) history. Mind took the unloving approach instead of the loving one, by not taking the advice it was getting from Body and Will, which was to slow down and drive around the rock, or even stopping to see if the rock could be moved out of the way. Even if you were in a hurry and had a million excuses not to slow down or stop, denying yourself is not love.

In hindsight, what the Mind learned was that to deny any part of itself means that there will be unpleasant consequences. However, there is also more to be learned from this accident, as this lesson can be applied to any situation in your life, to other times when you received input from the other parts of your Being, but chose to deny and ignore them. Accidents can also be to your physical body or in the form of mental or emotional abuse. Having hindsight is one thing, but if you don't apply what you learned to the next experience, then all this will have been a waste of time as you will have learned nothing and the cycle will simply continue.

The Cycle of Abuse

When a child is being overpowered and traumatized and can’t express what they are really feeling, including their desire to stop the abuse, they are forced to not only accept the abuse, but to also turn on themselves by their denials. When feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with their feeling of powerlessness and inability to change the situation, they either attack themselves inwardly or they move outwardly to attack whatever they feel they can control and overpower, so that they don’t feel so powerless. Trapped in the cycle of abuse, the victim becomes the abuser, either of self or of another person, place or thing. It’s a vicious cycle that grows like a cancer, devouring everything that is exposed to it. If the abused child doesn’t manifest some form of external aggression, then it is turned inward on self and often lies hidden and unseen. To a young child that is confused and ignorant as to how to deal with the abuse, this form of external or internal aggression is its only means of surviving an otherwise intolerable existence.

When a child is bullied and abused (mentally, emotionally and physically) and can’t express themselves, they have three options, fight, run or give up, and all create fragmentation which also includes denied rage, terror and heartbreak issues. If a child is physically abused, they may try to fight off their attacker but if overpowered, they will fragment, and with each successive attack they further fragment and solidify the imprint, program and belief that they are powerless to end this abuse. The other option is running, but that also ends up with fragmentation and similar imprints, programs and beliefs. The third option of giving up is when they realize that fighting or running doesn’t work, and they just surrender to their attacker and accept the abuse as their lot in life.

While the third option of giving up has two ways of being expressed, the outcomes are similar. If they decide to make the best of a bad situation, then one option will be that they will try to become strong like the abuser. They accept the anger, rage and abuse as an initiation and a learning process, and a sign of strength, power and control. Like when a father mentally, emotionally and physically beats his son, telling him to toughen up and to take it like a man, or for a mother that abuses her daughter in a passive aggressive way to get her to do what she deems is right. The child then takes this abusive behavior as being acceptable and normal, and so when it is in any relationship, it acts as its parents did and promotes abuse and control of others as a normal and acceptable behavior.

On the other end of this denial teeter-totter is where the child abhors its parent’s anger, rage and abusive behavior, and vows that it doesn’t want to be anything like them. While they felt anger and rage at their parents or abusers, they deny their anger and rage, as expressing it would make them just like their abuser. So when they grow up, they force themselves to be nice, kind, and loving, and to give their children what they never got. They, as parents now do the opposite of what was done to them as a child and unknowingly become the victim again as they let their children abuse them.

When, as a child, this original natural anger and rage at being attacked and abused is denied and not expressed, it has nowhere to go and so it has to reverse itself and turn inward on the self, where now this denied rage will sit and wait for the right opportunity to get even for what it experienced. Unfortunately, this means that anyone that triggers this denied rage will bear the wrath for past transgressions, and because the denied rage is reacting to old imprints, programs and beliefs and is triggered and gapped, it means that it will explode with no healing taking place. The strong silent type is a good example of this type of denied rage.

After repeated abusive experiences, the self-sacrificing victim may become activated by a simple event and will snap at whatever triggered it. It is at that moment that their denied anger and rage will do the unthinkable, and that is to be and do exactly as their parents or abusers did, to attack someone or something they love. When they finally snap, their Mind will choose to take a back seat position and allow the blind denied rage to be in control and take vengeance on whatever and whomever it thinks is attacking it. In the aftermath, when denied rage has burned itself out and the Mind is in control again, they realize what they allowed to happen and are filled with shock, disbelief, guilt and shame that they could have become the same as what they hate. What they failed to realize was that in not expressing their real anger and rage when they were being attacked, they were not only attacking themselves, but allowing denied rage to set itself up to be in control for this very experience. And so, the cycle of denied rage continues in one form or another, generation after generation, all perpetuated by the unseen role of denial.

Being abused and a victim means you are addicted to hate, both from others, and your own self-hatred – Shenreed

Stages of Life - Lack of a Proper Role Model

Every seven years we enter a different stage of development. The first seven years in a child’s life are the most formidable and also the most traumatic. During this time they have a variety of physical, emotional and mental needs that are primarily fulfilled by their parents. The parents however are preoccupied with their own issues like earning a living, maintaining a home and other family functions and have little interest or time to look into any of the child’s real feelings and needs other than the parental duties society has prepared them for in providing the necessities of life. The second critical stage is from seven to fourteen years where the child moves from a parental centered experience, into adolescence where they interact with society in general, through school, friends and peers. From fourteen to twenty-one, the adolescent becomes an adult and begins to form intimate personal relationships as they prepare to leave home and their immediate family to start a career and family of their own. While the other stages are important, it is these early years, and the imprints, programs and beliefs that are put in place that form the foundation for the following stages of our lives. What happens to us in these early years has a profound effect on the rest of our experiences.

Children are not born with any religious beliefs or social customs and traditions that define moral behavior, values, or the social skills they will use throughout their life. These are learned behaviors and their prime teachers and role models are their parents. Whatever imprints, programs, beliefs, issues and problems the parents have, will also have a direct bearing on the child and its views of the world. Children mimic their parents until they are old enough to understand and choose to act independently. Then they either choose to follow in their parents footsteps, or to follow a different path, yet having as a core, the unseen imprints, programs and beliefs that their parents had, just in varying degrees of acceptance or reversal. Children are not born liars yet that is what society teaches them to be. Denying, lying, manipulating and controlling others is what children learn as they develop into adulthood. They are taught to deny unpleasant realities and to cover-up the consequences arising out of their, or others actions. In the western Christian based society we have created deliberate lies like Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth fairy and others, that not only confuse a child, but also teaches them that telling lies is acceptable and that telling the truth is not, as it wrecks the illusion that denial creates. Consequently, the child learns that it is not only all right to tell lies but that lying is more acceptable than the truth and that lying will make their life more comfortable and enjoyable. Talk about a twisted mentality, no wonder we are as we are.

Children are exposed to various degrees of mental, emotional and physical abuse, denial, expectations, shame, guilt, and the list goes on and on. Even if the parents are aware of their abusive behavior, they may promise to change but they seldom follow through, or if they do, it’s merely a form change as nothing will change until they have healed the root cause of their abusive behavior. While parents try to present the image of a perfect marriage and family to the outer world, there are always subtle undercurrents of resentment, bickering and control issues between the parents and family members. In this environment, the young child is confused about the role they play and the values they are expected to follow that are acceptable to their parents, friends and society in general. The paradoxical and hypocritical contradictions that a child is exposed to from their parents and caregivers only leads to confusion, doubt, ignorance and denial of a child’s true essence. Psychological and physical problems develop over a period of time, which negatively affect the child and are all linked to the unseen role of denial.

As parents, when we are in denial, we are not only abusing ourselves, but we also take out our denied anger and rage on others, usually those that are close to us, and specifically on those that we feel we can easily overpower and control, our children. We are incapable of truly loving and helping our children because we are incapable of loving and helping ourselves. We do what we have been taught to do by our parents and their parents, and on it goes back in time. The fact is that while a child longs to be loved and accepted as they are, the only things they receive are denial and unlovingness disguised as love, love with conditions that leave them imprinted and programmed so that they too, will end up being an image of their parents, to carry on the sordid tradition of denial and unlovingness. During the first seven years, a child looks towards its parents for love, care and acceptance, but when these are denied and the child is abused, who can it turn to for guidance and help? No one! It is left to suffer alone, to exist in fear and to survive as best it can in a world that seems not only alien and foreign, but also hostile. In this environment, is it any wonder that a child never reaches its full potential but is instead, stricken with issues and problems that later on, as an adult, they then pass on the same programs and beliefs to their children.

Whatever the child does, any feedback that they get is normally negative as even getting good grades, or winning whatever they were participating in brings expectations of more or better effort. While this unloving criticism is being passed off as a positive attitude and reinforcement, the child doesn’t see or feel it that way. It doesn’t express itself but rather internalizes these messages as being negative and blames itself for its parent’s unhappiness and in not meeting their expectations. The child soon begins believing that they are incapable of doing anything right and no matter how hard they try, they will never meet the lofty goals and expectations that their parents placed on them, and so they feel incapable and unworthy of ever receiving or being loved and accepted. It is this outer rejection and then the inner self-rejection of the parts of themselves that they deem unlovable and the cause of their problems that leads to fragmentation. It’s this fragmentation that must be healed in order for the adult to restore the self-love that was lost as a child.

Chapter 5 - Fear and Coping Habits

I recently watched the movie “Troy” on TV and the comment; “Fear is Useful,” by one of the actors caught my attention. In the context of the dialogue, the comment meant that knowing another person’s fear was a way of controlling or defeating him, as his fear was seen as a weakness that could be used against him. For those that are looking to overpower and control others, this is how they use fear to their advantage. But there is also another way of looking at “fear is useful” and that is to use fear as a doorway to show you where you have denied issues and lost essence that needs to be recovered and healed. Once you have healed your issues and recovered your lost essence, you will no longer have fear and you will be fearless. Fear is useful in helping you become fearless, but only if you have the courage to face your fears. Deny your fear, and others will use it against you and you will live in constant fear.

One point-of-view that fear is useful is about using ones fear to control and over-power others, and the other is about using ones fear to empower yourself, by finding those lost and abandoned parts of you that you’ve been denying and are afraid to face, that are creating your fear that is being used by others against you. Others only have power over you because you are giving them that power by way of denial and self-hatred for that part of you that you fear. Ending your denials of your fear ends the other person’s ability to use your fear against you. It’s as simple as that, but it’s not an easy thing to do. Notice that I said it’s not an easy thing to do, I didn’t say it was impossible.

Because of the presence of the unseen role of denial, you unconsciously associate fear, with pain and death. - Shenreed

Fear of the Unknown and Expectations

Why am I afraid and what am I afraid of? You have asked yourself that question countless times and the most common answer is fear of the unknown. While you may have knowledge that you have certain fears, the underlying reason for them is unknown because if it were known, you wouldn’t have the fear. Fear of the unknown has its roots in our imprints, programs and beliefs of having experienced something that was traumatic. Intertwined with the fear of the unknown is the expectation and projection that you will experience what your imprints, programs and beliefs tell you will happen. As soon as your Mind is activated, these denied expectations and projections take you out of the present moment and slip you into the past or future as it brings up memories of experiences that you don’t want to re-experience. This unseen role of denial robs you of the experience of the present moment, the now, and the source of your true power. When we are not in the present moment, we project parts of our consciousness into the future or past, and so we are not all “present,” and any experience we have is created with denial and conditional love.

It’s ironic in that while we have a fear of the unknown and consider it a stumbling block, an obstacle that prevents us from moving forward and one which we use as an excuse to procrastinate, avoid and deny doing something unknown, when in reality, it’s the unknown that is actually the thing that we should be exploring. Exploring the unknown takes us out of our expectations and projections of the future, as well as our imprints, programs and beliefs of the past, and brings us totally into the NOW or present moment.

On the flip side, we can also have a fear of the unknown intertwined with expectations and projections, in that we fear that we will not experience something that we desire that gave us pleasure in the past. In this case, we desire to re-experience the past but are afraid that we will be disappointed and are filled with denied expectations and projections that also keep us out of being in the present or now moment. In both these cases, there are also attachments involved that need to be addressed and released.

A closed Mind is controlling and full of judgments, beliefs, and expectations, while an open Mind is free to challenge its judgments and beliefs and thereby able to release any expectations. An open Mind sees the door to the unknown as yet another opportunity to experience something new, and even if there is a feeling of fear and judgment present, the open Mind looks at it as an opportunity to release the judgment and heal any underlying issues supporting the fear. It’s not the unknown that we fear, but rather the known that is projected into the future with judgments and expectations based on past experiences that are not resolved and healed. Embracing the unknown without denial is an act of courage and fearlessness, and is what opens the door to wonder, excitement and joy.

Confusion - Doubt - Fear of Asking - Trust

People have a fear of asking questions because they want to be polite and think it’s rude to interrupt another. Another reason is that you are afraid of looking stupid, or starting a confrontation. When you find yourself in a confusing situation, instead of asking questions to clarify the issue, you deny and hope that further dialogue will give you clarity. Once you have gone past the moment and have denied asking, what will be reflected to you will be your underlying fear, along with the fear of asking questions. In an attempt to cover up your fear, you deny your fear, and then react in a manner that reflects your imprints, programs and beliefs by looking stupid, or getting into a confrontation. Shock and shame are also a part of the activation, in that you realize that this is happening to you again, in which case you withdraw.

When you have a fear of asking, you also have a fear of expressing yourself and both have similar issues, that of being told you are stupid, of making a mistake and being laughed at, or of making another person angry or whatever your hidden fear and issue is. This issue is usually traced back to unresolved traumatic childhood experiences. Not having resolved and healed the original traumatic experiences, the Mind constructs various defense mechanisms to avoid any possible situations that would present this issue from being exposed. Instead of being real, one relies on common denial and avoidance techniques like assuming that you know what the other person is saying or is going to say, or pretending that you heard and know what they said and meant. These are all an attempt to hide your fear of asking and your underlying issues. Once triggered into your issues, you’re caught and trapped by your own denials. Your Mind then gaps and tries to either shift the focus back to the person they feel is the problem, blaming them for whatever it feels the issue is, or it silently withdraws to brood in self hatred.

Being real is about asking questions or challenging another’s intent and actions when you are in doubt or confused. Being real isn't about being aggressive and saying what you think they did to you, when you are already activated into your issues and are in denial, but about speaking up and expressing yourself in the moment you are in doubt or feel you are being attacked, so as to clear the air. Allowing yourself to respond in the present moment means that you will not be activated and gap. There is no love in gapping and expressing denied rage at someone that triggered you. Raging at another and then having them apologize, is not a sign that you are right and they are wrong, it’s merely a swing to the other end of the denial teeter-totter, as now being attacked by your denied rage is an issue for the person that you felt attack you. However, if the other person also gaps into their denied rage, that is when things can get physically dangerous. All relationships are a two way street, as both have the opportunity to end their denials and be real, or to deny and gap and be triggered and activated into their denied issues. It’s ironic in that while the issue is one of not wanting to ask questions or to look stupid, it’s the Mind that is actually stupid, or rather ignorant, in that it is unwilling to admit that it is confused or doesn’t know, or willing to accept input from its Will when there is doubt. It’s the Minds own false pride that is then reflected to make it feel that it is stupid.

Trust is another big issue as people are afraid to trust their Will and express themselves when they have a denied issue and fear of confrontation or conflict. They have the belief that expressing themselves will only make matters worse, and any activation brings up both the fear of the known and the unknown. Because you don’t trust yourself, your Will, your Mind flips it around to not trust others. When you don’t trust yourself you fall into the old golden rule program of “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” In your Mind you then think that other people need to prove themselves trustworthy to you before you can trust them. If however, you would like to have a relationship with another person (expectations) you also try to prove yourself trustworthy to them so that they will accept you and therefore meet your expectations. You do this by being nice, kind, considerate, sharing, caring, understanding, giving, loving, and whatever other actions you feel will win their confidence and trust, yet all of these characteristics are unloving forms of control, manipulation, denial and self-sacrifice.

It’s ironic in that you expect others to be truthful and honest, yet you also expect others to trust your lies and denials when you are pretending to be real and genuine. They of course are playing the same game and the charade lasts only for so long until the real issues are exposed and then you have conflict and the illusion of trust is shattered. You then strain to seek a compromise solution but the issues of trust can’t be restored as now that experience is locked (imprinted) in the respective memories for future reference. But all along, it’s not about trusting the other person, or vice versa, but about trusting yourself enough to express what you are feeling in the moment you are feeling it. Being honest and forthright will not make many friends, but then again, neither will you be playing the lie and denial game, nor will you be attracting those who are not honest and sincere.

Another issue that is associated with trust is that of protecting or shutting yourself off from possibly being hurt. You put up walls and shields that you feel will protect you from the known or unknown that you don’t trust. Having the belief that you need a shield, wall, or a protective bubble is especially true if you have been hurt in a past relationship. The problem with shields, walls and bubbles is that while it may be keeping others out, it is also effective in keeping you locked in. Even when you begin to trust another, there is always the doubt or fear that they will betray and turn against you or abandon you. Before another person can betray you, you will have already betrayed yourself by not expressing your doubts and feelings in the moment you had them. Hindsight will always reveal that you knew, but knowing the truth was not what you wanted and so you accepted the denials that were given as truth, and then you got hurt and wonder why you are the victim again.

Quick Fix - Chasing Shadows - Repeating Cycles

The Mind is like a computer with its various components, processor and hard drive that store memory and other data. Some of these memory chips are our old imprints programs and beliefs that subsequently control our Mind and the thoughts and ideas it has. And just like a computer, garbage in, garbage out, as much of the information that is in the Mind does not serve our highest purpose and good. The Mind is constantly flipping back and forth between the past and the future, and is rarely in the present, now moment. It is either worrying about what happened in the past and is constantly vigilant in not having a repeat experience, or it is trying to recreate a pleasant past experience. If it’s not focused on the past, then it’s either worrying about the future or fantasizing what the future will be, based on expectations. The past, future and present are all mixed together and the Mind is jumping from one to another, which then robs us of our ability of being and living in the moment.

The Mind doesn’t want to know or remember what it has tried to forget but is still being activated by its imprints, programs and beliefs. While it is aware that there is an issue, it doesn’t want to repeat the experience and that includes any opportunity to heal the issue, and that is part of the reason that healing is so difficult. Instead of wanting to take responsibility and face its denials and fears, the Mind looks for a quick fix alternative to help it feel good and to take the focus off of what it doesn’t want to think or feel. In the process of finding a quick fix alternative, it also begins to form attachments to those people, places and things that make it feel good, that provide the quick fix, and when challenged, the Mind calls this self-gratification, self-love. But like all quick fixes, they also lose their effectiveness as one always needs to have more to get the same result, or they need a new quick fix to take its place, and so the Mind is constantly seeking new physical forms of pleasure that will provide it with the quick fix feel good sensations it desires. That’s why there is this insatiable drive in our society for more, better, new, and also the desire to push the envelope in risk taking to get an adrenaline rush and an euphoric high, that constantly needs to be driven to new heights. One such activity is found in extreme sports. Being in the lime-light and getting positive or negative attention, is yet another form of getting a quick fix as they are feeding off others energy that are giving them the attention they desire. That also brings us to another more sadistic form of quick fix solution and that is the need to feel physical pain, as feeling pain in their Body makes them feel alive. Cutters are part of this group of quick fix addicts, who mutilate themselves when they are unable to express their denied feelings and emotions. Cutting is a way that brings temporary relief to the emotional pressure they are feeling that is released when they see blood, their life force, flowing out of their body. They have no intend to commit suicide, although some will also use it as a means of getting attention and to get what they want.

Part of the healing process is actually going through a false healing process. To know what works, you also need to know what doesn’t work. This is when the Mind believes that it knows what it needs to heal, and until your Mind sees the futility of that belief, nothing changes. This is where you repeatedly try to gain the love and acceptance of others, especially from those that are closest to you, even though you know that the love and acceptance that you are looking for is what you need to give to those parts of you that you have no love and acceptance for. Part of the issue of being in denial of being in denial is that instead of focusing on healing your issues and accepting and healing these damaged parts of yourself, you chase shadows and focus on gaining external acceptance and love from another. You feel a yearning and an emptiness in your Heart, and so you search and try to fill that hole you feel inside yourself with a person, place or thing, hoping that they or it will make you whole, but it never fulfills you. In reality, what you are looking for is you, the parts of you that were fragmented out of you and are lost and alone. When you find and heal these lost parts of you, you no longer need others to fill you because you are now whole. What was lost and missing in your life, has now been found.

Repeating the process over and over, trying to find the courage (Heart) to allow yourself to do what you have never done before, that of giving yourself unconditional love and healing the lost parts of you, is what your journey is all about. Hindsight is part of the process and even though you have knowledge of what happened before, you are like a moth drawn to a flame. Being in denial is what is known to you and even though it is painful, you choose that over the unknown, (ending denials) something that will not only not hurt you, but will help heal you. These so-called failures are actually stepping-stones, as you need to literally saturate the Mind with what doesn't work so that it will finally allow itself to try something that it has never done before, and that is where Heart comes into the equation.

Presenting a False Image - False Bravado

Part of the unseen role that denial plays is when we feel inadequate and insecure and we present a false front as a way of coping with the lack of self-worth and self-love. One acts the part they wish to present to others, that they are fine, successful and confident, when in reality the opposite is true. This façade is usually presented in a materialistic form. For women it may be jewelry, clothes, make-up, hair and nails, and for men it includes clothes and various toys, like cars, electronics and hobbies. Common to both are the home or apartment furnishings as well as exotic pets. Anything that can be used to impress others will be used. Even if a person is physically ill or living in poverty, just as long as they have some small thing like painted fingernails that make them feel they are healthy and beautiful, they deny everything that is wrong in their lives and pretend that they are on top of the world. Others live beyond their means, maxing out their credit cards just to maintain the image of success that is associated with the altered ego and social programming.

The reason for presenting a false image is that it gives them as sense of pride, because if they didn’t act as they do, they would feel embarrassed and ashamed. They also like to act, as it takes them out of the real world and into this fantasy La La Land they imagine themselves in, acting and pretending that they are something they are not, and are so deep in denial that they can’t separate the act from reality. Some people wear clothes or make up that is provocative, that stands out in a crowd, the reason being is that they want to be noticed, as being noticed means they are important. Even if it’s a unpleasant response, any response is better than no response. This act also goes to the workplace and social gatherings where image is needed in order to get ahead, or to climb the social ladder to be a success. Again, it’s part of our social imprinting and programming in that we are taught that if you can’t be the part, then you need to act the part, be positive and confident and then you will get and be what you desire. Of course their justification for this false persona and bravado is that they are doing what makes them feel good, and they believe that they are loving themselves. The down side is that eventually people see through the façade and call them on their act and then they will either have to try a new tactic, and failing that, move to a new location where they can play their game again with a new audience.

Another time that false bravado is exposed is when a person is triggered into their issues and is activated into the fight, run, or give up mode. When a person is triggered into their fight imprinting, but is actually afraid of expressing their denied rage and having any physical conflict, they will present the false bravado of the passive aggressive person by trying to explain themselves to convince others that they are right. Another form of fighting is to try to talk your way out of, or through, a situation by trying to find some common ground. Using words like: compromise, cooperate, share, get along, balance, keep the peace, take a joke, grow a thicker skin, or don’t be so sensitive, are all used to get the Mind to deny what it is feeling from the Will, which may be the total opposite. While your Mind may have many reasons for not allowing yourself to express your real thoughts and feelings, none are justified or loving, as they all deny a part of yourself and the truth.

Yet another form of false bravado is confronting the person that is attacking you, but instead of saying what you really want to say, you try to be nice by stating that you don’t accept their abuse, and that you want them to stop or else. While on the surface this appears to be a non denial approach to solving the issue, it’s the “or else” that is the denial. What is actually happening is that you are bluffing and hoping that they will do as you say and not challenge you. There is no real intent behind the statement that the abuse must stop, it’s more like the Mind saying, “Okay, let’s try this approach and see if it works, maybe I can talk them into leaving me alone or doing what I ask.”

Instead of bluffing or pretending that you’re not affected when you feel you’re being attacked, you need to allow your real anger and rage to express itself in the moment you feel it, instead of denying it and then having it expressed later as denied anger and rage. By expressing what you feel in the moment, you’re not accepting the unloving energy that is being directed at you, and are instead, sending it back to where it came from. However, if you’re in denial, you not only take in the other persons negative and unloving energy, but you also reverse your anger and rage. This reversed polarity anger and rage then becomes denied anger and rage that will be expressed later when it takes it’s blind hatred out on an innocent person, place or thing that happens to be activating you, or, if your imprinting is not blaming others, then it will turn on you with self-hatred.

As long as you are bluffing and pretending that you are strong and powerful, you will be weak and powerless, and that is what will be reflected to you in your outer experiences because you are in denial of your fear and issues. When you are real, you respond to the situation and are empowered and fearless and there is no doubt or fear in your expression. Furthermore, the abuser will definitely understand and know that you are serious and that they will have to take responsibility for their actions and face the consequences. Your true power is with your Will and in allowing her to unconditionally express herself, including your real anger and rage in the moment she is feeling that your physical Being is threatened or attacked. When you are not in denial and are aligned with your Will, you are whole and present, and all powerful and fearless. You can’t bluff or pretend that you’re fearless when you’re not, as your denials will be exposed, if not in that situation, then in another.

Being the Joker - People Pleaser

Being a joker was another specialty program of mine. If the shit hit the fan by what I said or did, then joking was a way to relieve the conflict. Also, if I didn't know people or what they wanted, being light and airy, or artsy-fartsy was a way of getting into the conversation to see and feel what it was that made them happy. Playing the joker and acting to make people happy was the name of the game I played, as being real meant they were going to attack me. While I tried to joke to not be attacked, I also joked and tried to laugh it off when I was being attacked. I thought that as long as I was laughing I wasn’t showing my fear and terror, and they wouldn’t see that they were getting to me and my weakness, my feelings and emotions, that I fought to control.

Looking back on it now, I wonder why I didn't begin ending my denials and expressing my feelings and emotions sooner. It's a lot easier to accept and express the feelings and emotions that I had been denying, than to live 24-7-365 in fear, stress, anxiety and terror, always wondering when the next activation would come and how I was going to handle it. I was always looking over my shoulder to see who was coming at me. I would also try to read people so that I would know what they wanted and that they would be happy and not think badly of me or be angry at me. I would never know if I said or did something that I would regret, that would come back later to haunt me. I also became a secret keeper and a protector, either of other people’s secrets or of mine. Lots of times I did and said things that I didn’t want to say or do, but I did it just to keep the peace and make others happy. As long as others were happy, I was accepted and not alone. If they were unhappy, then I’d be rejected and not included in their social activities. It was hell being with people that I really had nothing in common with except the façade of the social function and gathering. Denial takes a lot of energy out of you in a lot of different ways, energy that you could put to better use, instead of feeding the vampires.

Shame - False Pride - Being Perfect

Besides fear of confrontation, another reason for keeping your mouth shut when you are being verbally or physically abused is false pride, because you silently and subtly think that by avoiding confrontation, you are better than them, that you will not stoop to their level and that you have too much pride and self-control to make a scene. So instead of expressing yourself, you endure the abuse as best you can to save face and whatever little false pride you have, that you feel defines you as a good and loving human being. Then, after the experience, you’re upset and you either withdraw to be alone to brood in self-hatred, or you seek out those you feel comfortable with and rage at those that you deem responsible for confronting you and making you unhappy. All the while, you knew what was happening and had the opportunity to express yourself, but you denied and kept silent. You need to take responsibility for your actions, or lack thereof and get real, but when your issues of confrontation come up, you are either afraid of whatever you imagine they would physically do to you, or you fear being humiliated should they begin to shout and make a scene. You then look to see if there is a way to avoid confrontation. All this is part and parcel of the healing process in allowing you to get to the realization that confrontation is not about being in control of others, but about you, not being in control of the other parts of you that want to be free to say and do what is necessary to stop this external abuse. Your outer reality is but a reflection of your inner reality.

Having to be perfect is a fool’s game as that is not only impossible, but undesirable as it leaves no room for growth or movement of any kind. Having to be perfect in your eyes, and in the eyes of all that you meet, puts a tremendous amount of pressure on you. You are constantly vigilant of all your words, actions, physical appearance and also of other people or things that you feel portray your image, that is of course a false image, as you are trying to present yourself as being on this lofty, unblemished pedestal, when in fact, the opposite is true. Part of the reason for doing this is that you are also looking outside yourself for acceptance and approval. If others see and think you’re okay and happy and seem to have it all, then you feel that that defines your reality, and that makes you happy in the short term. You are constantly seeking outside approval to fill the void that is within you. If you had acceptance for yourself and had healed your issues, you would not need or seek the approval of others to make you happy and feel good about yourself.

Part of the underlying issues of false pride has to do with denied shame. If you are not protecting your personal image, you may be protecting another’s or your family’s image. You desire to be seen as a loving, caring and happy family, while again, the opposite is the truth. You struggle to maintain the illusion and prevent the families dirty little secrets from being aired in public, as what would that do to your perfect image that you are trying to portray. Then when your dirty laundry is exposed in public, you feel ashamed and disgusted with yourself and others. You can’t admit that your perfect world is an illusion as that will destroy your image of your heaven that you want to live in, all the while you are living a lie and in hell.

Self-sacrifice and Forgiveness

The line between genuinely helping others and self-sacrifice is thin, blurred and convoluted. The main reason people sacrifice themselves is because they want to feel loved and accepted, but with a bizarre twist in judgment, they take being needed as being loved, and the more that they feel needed, the more they feel loved. People sacrifice themselves in a variety of ways, the most common are when they adamantly believe that they are being loving, nice, kind, honest, giving, forgiving, co-operative, understanding, compromising, patient, trusting and loyal, etc. They believe that they need to give love, to get love, and that if they can make other people happy, then they are a good person and will be loved in return. They will do whatever it takes to make others happy and to avoid conflict, as being shunned or attacked is not what they want to experience. Another reason for people sacrificing themselves is that they secretly expect the other person to change their point-of-view and to also have the debt repaid in some way or another, either by that person or by another who recognizes their good deeds, even if it’s in the afterlife. In other words, they are actually being egotistical and selfish as their intent is bent and twisted by the unseen role of denial.

A typical example of this self-sacrificing bent intent, is the practice of going out of your way to help others. What you are really doing by making others happy is making yourself feel good. You need a constant source of people to enable you to feed off their energy of gratitude, or the gratitude and acknowledgments of others for your kind deeds and good works. If you didn’t have this food (energy) source you wouldn’t be happy as you would be left to face your real issues, including the feelings of powerlessness, and of being unloved and unwanted. Another twisted product of self-sacrifice is that it gives you a false sense of purpose, value and worth and also a twisted form of pride or self-respect, that takes the place of self-love. It’s also a part of the social mystique that encourages people to have a positive attitude, of being pro-active, and also of being a contributing member of society, in other words, sacrificing the needs of the one, for the good of the many.

Self-sacrifice is also disguised in other forms like duty, responsibility, honor, pride, worthy cause, being a dutiful husband, wife, child, parent, or being concerned about social rights, animal, or environmental issues, etc. Other less obvious forms of self-sacrifice are keeping busy and being occupied, where other people, places and things are set ahead of individual needs and desires. While on the surface the intent may seem loving, there is the unseen role of denial being played out behind the scenes that would quickly be exposed if the activity were stopped. But even if the person stopped doing what they were addicted to doing to cover up their real issues, they would soon find another activity to take its place.

In sacrificing yourself to a person, place or thing, for whatever moral or self-righteous justification that you think is kind and loving, what you fail to recognize is that by sacrificing yourself, you are giving your power away to what is not love, but guilt, as love does not demand or ask for sacrifice. A quick way to uncover the truth about your activity is to simply stop doing what you are doing. It won’t take long for guilt, shame and self-hatred to be exposed. All this self-sacrificing is really only expressing the different forms of guilt that are being presented as love. Society has been duped to accept guilt as love and it is difficult to not only stop, but to step out of the trap and stranglehold that guilt has on you, as it is so embedded in your subconscious imprints, programs and beliefs. When guilt and shame are felt, you need to feel beyond them to feel what emotions were being triggered and felt before being shut down and denied by the presence of guilt and shame. The sole purpose of guilt and shame is to stop and suppress the movement of feelings and emotions, especially those that have already been denied, the ones of the past, that are being reflected in the present experiences. If there wasn’t already some hook for guilt and shame to hang on to, guilt and shame would not be present.

Forgiveness is yet another form of self-sacrifice if the issue has not been truly healed and you’re forcing yourself to forgive yourself or another, so that you can put the issue behind you and move on with your life. When you get to the part of your healing journey where you want to forgive another, you need to look beneath the denials and guilt to find that it’s not about forgiving the other person, but about forgiving yourself. In forgiving yourself, you need to let go of your judgments and beliefs that say you are unforgivable. Self-forgiveness is not merely saying the words that you forgive yourself, it has to be heartfelt and real. You also need to let go of the guilt and shame that is associated with your issues. When you can finally forgive yourself, you will also see that the person that you believe caused you harm, was actually reflecting your own denials to you, to help you heal your emotions and issues. While you may consider people that don’t harm or activate you, your friends, it is those people that you consider your enemy that are your real friends as they are helping you heal your issues. Those who you call friends would not normally challenge you by saying or doing things they know would activate or offend you, as then you would no longer consider them friends and you would abandon them. So to be a friend, they need to deny being real and be what you want them to be, and that is another form of self-sacrifice on their part. As you can see, it’s also what you do so as to not alienate your family or friends.

The amazing thing that happens when you stop being in denial is that the other person (if they continue with their denials) will now see you as unloving and evil, because you are now doing the reverse of what you were doing before. Before you were in denial, like they are, and everything was fine. Now that you are loving yourself, you are no longer aligned with unloving light and your energy will feel different and unloving to them, as they are still addicted to hate, and they will be the ones running away from you and not wanting anything to do with you. Healing has many layers and levels, and it takes time, dedication and courage to do what you have never done before.

Now it may be a stranger or a friend that finally allows themselves to activate you, and both can even go so far as to imply that you are going to be physically harmed, or even harm you, if that is what is needed to move you off your denial based point-of-view. Being activated can also take the form of what would be called an act of God, like an accident or illness where you are physically hurt. When you have truly healed your issues there is no longer any need for forgiveness, and instead, the denial and guilt based need to forgive another will be replaced with genuine gratitude and love. I mean love, not the pretense and phony expression of love that people put on for others, I mean real genuine, heartfelt love.

Being sorry or having regrets, is a guilt attachment to a person, place or thing - Shenreed

Fighting for a Cause - Saving and Helping Others

Fighting for justice, freedom or whatever noble cause, is getting caught up in the unresolved issues of feeling that one has no power or control over their experiences and their lives, and they believe that by fighting and overpowering those that they feel are the problem, that they can somehow change their outer reality to one that they desire. While there is a part-truth in that belief, that you have to stand up to your oppressors, it’s not about overpowering and changing them, but about healing the underlying issues and changing yourself. It’s about letting go of the imprints, programs and beliefs that have sustained that reality that says that fighting to stop the external abuse is not only necessary, but justified as the only solution. In reality, the real battle that is going on is the one that is inside you, and that is where you need to take a stand to stop the inner oppression of you fighting the other parts of your Being, instead of the reflection that the outer reality is presenting to you that you think is the problem. Yes, the outer reflection is also a problem but it is merely reflecting your own inner battles and denials that have created the external manifestation. Once you end the inner battle, the outer reality also changes.

But, another but, this battle I’m talking about is on a personal level with your specific issues, as what you’ll also be facing is a battle on a social level that includes, religion, politics and social customs and traditions that you are still connected to. This is part of my present work as I’m still plugged into the system in that I still need money to pay for clothes, shelter and food. While I’m still dependant on the system, I do challenge it when and where I can. This reality is running on the old blueprint for creation, along with the original imprints and programs. While we may want to try, like we have in the past, there is nothing that we can do to fix or change it. We just need to accept it and allow it to self-destruct in its own time and manner. What we are now doing is creating a new blueprint for creation based on unconditional, not conditional love. I feel that before we can create a new world reality, we need to begin to heal ourselves on a personal level and then move out from there. I feel that all I can do is to share my story and let others choose what they do with it for themselves. When I find my way through and out of the old world reality and begin to create what I desire, I’ll definitely be writing another book.

The two most common so-called worthy causes that people get caught up in are religion and politics, in that these overzealous advocates are determined to save, convert, or destroy anyone or anything that is not aligned with their particular religion or type of political or social system. Adamantly, they will try to justify that their judgments and beliefs are right and will staunchly defend their principles and points-of-view, going so far as to risk other people, places and things to fight for their cause and achieve their twisted objectives. They also believe that the end justifies the means, and that the needs of the individual are not important and should be sacrificed to the cause and to the overall good or needs of the many. A charismatic leader will quickly develop a following of those individuals that are only too happy to be part of something larger than themselves as they have no real sense of personal identity.

You may see pictures on TV of young children suffering and feel the urge to help, but saving others out of a misdirected feeling of responsibility, duty, guilt or whatever worthy cause, is reacting to your old imprints, programs and beliefs and is also a way of avoiding your issues by focusing on another’s issues. That is difficult to accept because your judgments say that a child is not supposed to suffer, that they should have a happy childhood, be healthy, get an education, have a job, get married, have children and live a happy life, as that issue is also rooted in your lost hopes, dreams and desires. What is important to recognize is that the above scenario is not a now, or present moment personal experience. I said that you see pictures on TV of young children and that is quite different from actually coming across a young child that is suffering. If you have no present moment involvement in the situation, then it is merely another person’s way of feeding off your feelings of being responsible, duty, guilt, religious beliefs, or whatever triggers you may have that demands that you sacrifice your time, energy or money to their worthy cause.

You need to recognize when you are getting caught up in hear-say, either by people you know, or by what you see and hear on TV, radio, internet, or what you read in books and magazines, and what you are actually experiencing. It’s always easier to deny and avoid facing your issues and focus on another person, place or thing that you can justify as being more important and that needs your help and support. When you’re being activated by hear-say, you’ll have judgments of right or wrong, good or bad, based in part on your religious and social beliefs, as well as your unresolved personal issues that are related to the experience you are involved in.

Even when you see a child experiencing what you call suffering, it may not be suffering in that child’s eyes. Who is to say that the child’s purpose in this lifetime is to experience exactly what they are experiencing in that moment. This is their reality and even though it goes against all your old imprints, programs and beliefs, it is the truth. Therefore, the loving thing to do is to accept its choices and experiences just as you had to accept all the experiences you had (loving and unloving) based on the choices you had made for your journey in this lifetime. When you are in this moment, you really need to feel your intuition and intent to feel if you need to become personally involved and if so, in what way. Being in the moment means being completely vulnerable, open and spontaneous, without fear, judgment, expectation, condition, guilt, or shame, and just allowing yourself to do or say, whatever you feel you need to, and then be able to walk away without any attachment to the person, place or thing. The other polarity end of this scenario is running away or avoiding any situations that activates you and remind you of your own suffering that is too painful to deal with and impossible to forget. As you can see, wanting to save, or wanting to avoid, are opposite ends of the same issue, and in that, there is no balance.

By helping others based on your unresolved issues, you are also limiting and denying their experience and healing opportunity. What also happens when you take control and save another is that they have either been forced, or have willingly given you their power. Part of the unseen role of denial that is at play here is that helping and saving others gives one a false sense of power and control. If you feel that you have no control or purpose in your own life, then you get a feeling of power and self-worth by taking control and helping others. After you have saved them once, you want to save them again or save others. Once you have repeatedly overpowered another there comes a point where they feel that they can no longer survive and live for themselves as now they need you, or whatever you gave them that took them out of their situation, especially if it was less desirable than what they have now. Instead of being self-empowered, they now try to control their lives to please you. They are afraid that if they did or say something that displeased you, that you would either leave them or withdraw your help, and they would be abandoned and left to fend for themselves. There’s an old saying by Confucius that fits into what I’m trying to share here. He states, “Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve fed him for a lifetime.”

Helping others by fixing their problems or doing things for them is not only a form of self-sacrifice, but is also a way of denying one’s own fears and issues. It’s very easy to find the truth as all you have to do is to ask yourself this question. If I didn’t do what I was doing for other people, would I feel guilty? If the answer is yes, then you are not doing it in love because you want to, but to negate the feeling of guilt and all the issues that not doing brings up. If the answer is no, (denial of being in denial) then stop doing it and see what issues come up with the free time you now have. Stepping in and helping or saving others really needs to be examined as intent is the key in doing or not doing.

Chapter 6 - Religion and Science

As a child learning about religion, I was full of questions that neither my parents nor their religious beliefs could answer to my satisfaction. As long as I didn’t challenge religions authority and went along with the program, it had a place for me. I lost my religion (Roman Catholic) when I was in grade seven, when our family was excommunicated over and incident I had at the Catholic school I was attending. While I lost my religion, I never lost my faith, as religion and faith are not the same thing. After our excommunication, I was angry and denounced God and became an atheist as I felt there was no God, as what loving God would allow the church to do what they did to me and my family. Even though I had rejected God, I felt and knew that there was more to it but I didn’t have a clue what it was or how to find it. That doubt and confusion led me to become an agnostic. Even though I was not involved in any organized religion, I was ignorantly unaware that I was still running my life on old Catholic beliefs and doctrine as a Christian.

As mentioned in my first book, I explored various sciences, including psychology and psychiatry, as well as many religions along with their beliefs and dogma. While both science and religion offered part-truths, none felt complete and loving. In my study of the various religions, I was looking for what they said about unconditional love, love without conditions and rules. I was also looking for what the various religions had in common and how they differed. The thing that I found common to all religions was that while they talked about unconditional love and had a vague concept of it, they were not walking their talk, as what they were preaching was conditional love, bound by rules and dogma. I also found that when confronted about their dogma and rhetoric, that to get away (avoidance and denial) from having to face this issue, they implied that I, as a mortal human, was incapable of understanding let alone experiencing the unconditional love of God. Another thing that was common to all religions was their “golden rule” and what they would have us believe is unconditional love, ignorant (intentionally or unintentionally) to the fact that it encourages and promotes the denial of self-love.

Unfortunately, religion plays a huge part in people’s lives, especially when they feel helpless and powerless, as they seek salvation and a miracle from God to save and lift them out of their troubles and woes. At the other end of the religious spectrum are those that use it as a source of power over others, the clergy and ministers, who feed on the synergy created by a group of seekers that are joined in commonality. Religion is very much like a drug in that it is a crutch of denial, to get people over the rough times that they don’t want to face. It’s an easy out and a quick fix as you can just give your troubles away (denial) if you only believe. Religion is by far, one of the biggest organizations of denial on the planet, controlling the masses at will by their rhetoric and doctrines. Politics is a close second.

A Fundamental Flaw with Major Religions

I’m very well aware of the fact that if you question or criticize ones religion, they take it as a personal slur or attack on their character and values. Know that if you are offended by what I am about to say, that you have judgments that need to be released if you have intent to heal and empower yourself. If you simply believe what is written or what you have been told about your religion as being the gospel truth without any if’s, and’s, buts or maybe’s and you fear questioning and challenging those so-called truths, then healing is going to be impossible. I say that because religion is also part of your social customs and traditions and when you combine them, your mind is controlled and filled with hearsay, and at best, part truths. To begin to know what is real, you need to begin to separate religious dogma from Spiritual truths. You were not born with your religious beliefs, just as you were not born with your language, or your customs and traditions. All these are things that you learned from various sources, and in most cases, it was early in your life, so that now, they seem natural and normal. Language has no ulterior motive except in allowing people to communicate with one another, whereas religion is controlled by those in a position of power who are not willing to share their secrets with their followers, or give up their position. You are a Spiritual Being having a physical experience, and not, as religions would have you believe, a physical being that has to obey the laws of the church so that you will, upon your physical death, become a Spiritual Being and have your reward in the hear-after. Religion, no matter what rhetoric they use that states otherwise, doesn’t have any intent to empower people, but to do the opposite and make them dependent upon the church for their Spiritual salvation by creating devoted worshipers and followers that support the church with money, time and energy. Religion, with its ongoing systematic use of avoidance, lies, omissions and denials is the prime reason for the world being in the state it is.

An example of how religious dogma oversteps common sense, logic and reason can be found in the very first chapter of the Old Testament of the bible. While Jews, Christians and Muslins acknowledge the writings of the Old Testament as the foundation of their monotheistic religions, they all deny, omit and negate any feminine attributes or references to God, even though the bible indicates a feminine presence. Since these religions represent over half of the world’s population, I’m going to address this divine gender issue by quoting a couple of passages from the old testament that theologians, religious scholars and adepts dismiss, or state as being beyond mortal man’s ability to comprehend, and where devote worshipers blindly and obediently, accept any explanations given.

Genesis – Chapter 1:

25- And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and the cattle after their kind, and everything that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

26- And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

27- So God created man(kind) in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

When one reads the scriptures from verses 1 to 25, the wording is strictly written from a singular masculine perspective, but then in verses 26 and 27, it changes to plural as God states, “let us make man is our image”, keywords “us and our.” And in verse 27, he emphasizes that “our” image is both male and female. It then goes back to singular person masculine and concludes chapter 1 by saying that at the end of the sixth day, God saw that everything he had made was very good. But having stated all that, in the very next chapter the writers of the old testament contradict themselves in numerous ways, the main one being in the evolution of creation and specifically, that of man and woman. The second version now states that after having made man in a male form, God then creates the animals. Then in verses 21–23, he takes a rib from the man, which he has now named Adam, and creates a woman. Two very different stories apparently coming from the same source, or so we are led to believe.

Now putting aside the obvious contradictions and inconsistencies of the Old Testament and simply acknowledging what we do know. We know that the different kinds or species of life forms on Earth, including human, have both male and female gender forms. So if we separate the proverbial wheat from the chaff, it then appears that the wording in Chapter 1, verses 26 and 27 are part truths and in alignment with what we experience in creation. Logic would dictate that if we use the reverse thought process, (as above so below, as below so above) we can postulate that if we were made in Gods likeness, then God must also have masculine and feminine aspects that share a mutual relationship. One can then take this a step further in that we know we are a Spiritual Being having a physical experience; that we possess the Spiritual qualities of both male and female, and that we select our physical gender for the purpose of reincarnating to experience a specific physical reality. Notice, I said physical gender, as it’s important to realize that each man or woman has both divine gender aspects when they incarnate into their physical Being.

As you can see, religions insidious tentacles creep into the very Heart and Soul of humanity and have been subjugating and corrupting it for countess millennia. These major religions deny any reference to there being a divine feminine aspect to God, and are the prime reason that women are deemed less than men and are looked down upon. Not only are women considered weak and inferior, but their feelings and emotions are also deemed to be a sign of weakness. This judgment creates the social mindset and belief that we, man and woman, must deny our feminine Will, as expressing our intuition, feelings and emotions, especially so-called negative ones is deemed unacceptable. I’ll go into more detail in later chapters, but for now, this is just to give you some food for thought.

Religion is a state of Mind; Spirituality is a state of Being. – Shenreed

The Golden Rule and Religions

We search for truth and unconditional love and we have been taught "the truth" and how to "be loving" (notice they are not one and the same) and in all the thousands of years of teaching it has never been successful. Why? Is it because we are ignorant, or because the present teachings are flawed, or both? People search for truth, yet are afraid to speak or hear the truth, so how can we ever find the truth if it’s always denied? If the truth is denied, is love not also denied and conditional?

People in various societies unconsciously turn to their religions and their social traditions, beliefs and dogma, as sources and examples of truth and love. One thing that all religions have in common that I previously alluded to, is the Golden Rule. Here is a brief list of the major world religions and their version of the Golden Rule. I’ve placed them in a chronological order, and as you can see, it dates back thousands of years.

Hinduism: 3200 BC – Hitopadesa - "One should always treat others as they themselves wish to be treated."

Judaism: 1300 BC - Old Testament, Leviticus 19:18 - "Thou shalt Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Zoroastrianism: 600 BC - Shast-na-shayast 13:29 - "Whatever is disagreeable to yourself, do not do unto others."

Buddhism: 560 BC - Udanavarga 5:18 - "Hurt not others with that which pains yourself."

Confucianism: 557 BC - Analects 15:23 - "What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others."

Christianity: 30 AD - King James Version, Matthew 7:12 - "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them."

Islam: 620 AD - No. 13 of Imam "Al-Nawawi's Forty Hadiths." "None of you [truly] believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself."

What all these religions have in common (the common thread) is the Golden Rule of treating others the way they would like to be treated. What I find curious is that while these religious followers and so called loving people adamantly promote the Golden rule as the corner stone of their religion, when it comes to “walking their talk” they suddenly, and just as adamantly, have their own hidden notwithstanding clause. This caveat of, ”Do as I say, not as I do,” creates a double standard, with one rule being presented as a lofty ideal of how they present themselves to the world as being loving to others, and the other rule of how they would like others to be loving by obeying the rules that they themselves deny. This is a perfect example of hypocrisy along with ignorance, genuine or feigned, and the unseen role of denial.

While all religions have a piece of the puzzle, they are deeply flawed and have been so ever since their beginnings. Religions are not about empowering people, but in disempowering them, by having them believe that their physical and afterlife are determined by their beliefs, or lack thereof. Religions were originally created by man in an attempt to help them understand their reality, but then it became organized and structured, with men and women acting (keyword - acting) as representatives of God, but who were, and still are, self-serving and in a state of denial.

Knowledge that lacks personal experience and knowing, is based on hearsay. - Shenreed

Feeling Abandoned and Unloved by God

When you are faced with problems and issues in your life, the Mind tries to find a quick fix solution to ease the pain, to make it go away. What is not evident is that there are other issues at play, like imprints, programs, beliefs, control, expectation and the unseen role of denial. You may want help, or you want to do things, but (the old proverbial but) you want them done according to your plan, your expectation and under your control. There is no acceptance that just because what is happening is not pleasant or as you had planned, that it isn’t for your highest purpose and good. If things don’t go as planned, then your Mind, in denial and running on old imprints, programs and beliefs, looks to place the blame somewhere. Having exhausted and negated all physical possibilities, (including itself) it places the blame on luck, karma, or God.

It’s ironic in that in one breath you feel like God has abandoned you, yet in the next breath, you want him to help you in the way that you think he should help you. It doesn't work that way, that’s not unconditional love. Prayer is actually a subtle way of telling God what to do, that what is happening to you or others isn’t right and commanding God to obey you. Even if you say you are just telling God how you feel, or asking God for help in your time of need, there is still the unseen role of denial, judgments and expectations.

It’s not that asking or expressing what you’re feeling is wrong, but it’s the intent behind the words, the judgments and expectations that color the experience. It's okay to ask for what you desire, but along with that you also need to have the intent to find out what imprints, programs and beliefs you have that are creating your present undesired reality so that you can release them to create the reality you desire. You also need to find and release your judgments and expectations on how it is to come or not to come to you. It’s not that God has abandoned you; it’s just that you don’t know how to connect with him/her without the presence of denial, judgments and expectations. While you may not get what you want, you always get what you need to heal and empower yourself.

To begin to know the truth of what love is, you need to know what love is not. – Shenreed

Religious Beliefs - Part Truths - Fuzzy Logic

There’s a fundamental flaw in religious beliefs that would have us believe that we can pray to a loving God or that we can ask our guides or angels to assist and protect us in times of trouble. Firstly, what kind of a twisted and unconditional loving God would make you want to suffer just so that you will have to ask him to lift you out of your suffering or undesirable element, and likewise for angels and guides. If angels and guides could help you by doing it for you, then why can they only help you when you are in trouble? Instead, why don’t they help you get what you want and keep it so that you are always happy and don’t need to call on them to help you? The twisted mentality of religious beliefs doesn’t equate to an unconditionally loving God, guides and angels that religions profess them to be.

Religious beliefs also decree that we need to sacrifice and endure suffering so as to be worthy in God’s eyes and enter into the presence of his wondrous unconditional Love. Again, if that were the truth and not just some more religious rhetoric blowing smoke in your ear and fogging up your Mind, you would question just how unconditional loving God could be if he put those conditions on granting you his unconditional love. It’s a no brainer, but only if you still have a mind clear enough to see through the religious rhetoric and hypocrisy that’s all about controlling the masses and not about empowering them.

There is also a lot of confusion created by new age fuzzy logic that tries to combine religion, spirituality and science, and then presents itself as an unquestionable authority of truth. People spout their new age rhetoric using part truths to say one thing, but then are unable to connect the dots to related subjects, and when they change the subject, they are contradicting their first statement without evening realizing their contradiction, adamantly claiming instead that it was merely another truth.

As an example, I was reading a post by a practitioner in a group I belonged to that had to do with energy and bodywork. What was basically being presented was the concept that thoughts are energy and that emotions, especially negative ones, are the result of chemical imbalances in our body. That these imbalances can be controlled by the use of such physical energy tools like acupressure and acupuncture that work with the energy meridians of the body, or by attuning the chakras with various forms of energy work like Reiki.

I shook my head. What a twisted presentation! The concept that was being presented was a combination of so-called scientific medical community data that labels emotions as a construct of the Mind and that negative emotions are the result of chemical imbalances in the body. That scientific concept was then merged with Eastern metaphysical doctrine and energy techniques, and of course, ignorance. While there were part truths being express, it had a convoluted and twisted spin to it that served to reinforce their hidden agenda, which was to promote their business and make money. While it was an alternative to prescription drugs, it was still about money and treating the symptoms and not addressing the cause.

We are a spiritual (energy) Being having a physical experience. Thoughts, emotions and our physical body are made of different forms of energy and of different vibrations or frequencies. It is a well-known scientific fact that all physical matter is also made of energy and that matter and energy are interchangeable. What should be obvious to a free thinker is that since everything is a form of energy, of vibration, then any imbalance or disease within our physical body, be it a chemical imbalance or chakra alignment, has to be the result of some form of energy that is not aligned with our balanced state of being. It’s this energy imbalance within our body that then results in the chemical imbalances, disease and misalignments in our physical body, and not the other way around. Acupressure, Acupuncture and Reiki, etc., can all be used, but used to find the suppressed and denied emotions (energy) that created the imbalances in the body, and then have the person do the emotional work that would release the blocked energy, instead of treating the symptom and providing temporary relief by further suppressing the denied emotional energy. Even when the new age metaphysical energy concepts are used, they are no different than the present day medical community that pushes chemicals, as they are still treating the symptom and not addressing the cause.

New age - A Fundamentalist Type of Religion

I find it increasingly difficult to present or classify my work as coming under the New Age category, as I find that most New Age people that have turned away from organized religion are very much like a fundamentalist religion unto themselves. There are thousands of groups and organizations; from the esoteric to physical therapies that, like religion, present misinformation sprinkled with just enough part-truths to make it believable. While they like to promote themselves to be free and enlightened thinkers, that is far from the truth as most of what they say is based on old imprints, programs and beliefs and of course, denial. Nothing is really new if it is based on what was; it is merely a new form or an extension of the old. I’ve also noticed that books that were in print 20-30 years ago when I first started my journey are now being re-published and regurgitated. I find that they are very much like religion and science, and that instead of challenging their beliefs and judgments, they seek to support and justify them. While they appear to be saying something different and loving, under it all it’s still about denial, control and power. They all "talk the talk" but fail to "walk the talk" as the unseen role of denial is very much a part of that routine.

An act of kindness is not necessarily love, but love is kindness. - Shenreed

Chapter 7 - Consciousness

I called this chapter consciousness, and while the dictionary defines consciousness as an alert cognitive state in which you are aware of yourself and your situation, it is far more complex than that. To become aware of yourself, that you exist is one thing, but to understand how you function and are created is quite another. While our Spirit (Mind) is responsible for creating and comprehending our thoughts and ideas, it is also aware of the other parts of its Being and its surroundings. Not only is it aware of itself in the lower frequencies of the physical plane, but it can also become aware of itself in the higher frequency of the Spiritual realm. One can temporarily access this form of consciousness by the use of what I call a denial based meditation, where your Spirit (Mind) is temporarily transported to another dimension and reality, where it experiences a state of reverie and peace, completely oblivious and disassociated from the other aspects of its Being. Our Soul (Will) has its own consciousness of intuition, feelings and emotions that are separate from the Mind. By themselves, neither Spirit or Soul are able to subjectively experience what they think or feel in the Spiritual realm, and it’s only when they make the choice to move collectively, to create a physical form with which to experience what is being thought and felt, that true life is experienced. It’s like an artist having an inspiration that they want to express but don’t have an outlet to do so. It’s only when they decide to use whatever artistic medium they choose to bring that concept into physical form, that they are able to express their ideas and feelings, and to share and experience them with others.

At this moment, I don’t think it’s possible to understand and know all the infinity complex aspects of creation, although I do feel that the answer I’m looking for is profoundly simple. A question I had when I was about six or seven years old, and has yet to be answered, was in response to being told that God made me. My question was that if God made me, then who made God, and who made the God that made the God, and so on. I don’t have an answer to those questions but I do know that in the course of my journey, I’ve been lead to learn and experience many things that have helped me understand my Divine nature that not only makes sense, but has also expanded my consciousness, my awareness of myself as a Divine Being having a physical experience.

Electromagnetic Energy - Frequency - Vibration

I’d now like to share some of the basic understandings that I’ve come to know that have helped me, and it is my intent that they also assist you on your journey of self-discovery. I’ve always been interested in archeology, psychology and science, and the one thing that has helped me immensely has been my study of electronics and my knowledge and understandings of the nature and various aspects of electromagnetic energy. When I found the RUOW books and read the part mentioning electricity, magnetism and electromagnetism, it was as if the lights went on in my Mind and I knew the concept of creation, or at least an important aspect of it.

I feel that having some basic understandings of the properties of electricity and magnetism will also help you visualize that while our Divine energy forces are separate and unique aspects of our Being, they are intrinsically connected and function as one, that Spirit (Mind) is electric in nature and that the Soul (Will) is magnetic. While they are different, both electricity and magnetism are forms of energy. A battery has a potential electrical charge, while a magnet has a magnetic flux field or lines of force around it. On their own, they are static energy, energy that is not in motion. However, when one moves through or near a conductor, it automatically creates the other and form kinetic energy or energy in motion. That is to say that when an electrical current flows through a conductor in a closed circuit, it creates a magnetic field around that conductor. Now the reverse also holds true in that when a magnet and its magnetic field moves near a conductor, it induces an electric current into the conductor and a subsequent electrical potential. So while each is a separate and unique forms of energy, they are intrinsically connected and move as one. One thing to note is that both electricity and magnetism have poles or polarity, meaning that they both have a positive and negative pole, and that energy flows between the two poles through a conductor when the connection and circuit is completed. How strong the electrical potential and how good the connection will determine how much current will flow and the strength of the magnetic field that is created. A weak potential and poor connection will provide only a conditional and limited amount of current or electron flow. It the circuit is not complete, then there is no current flow and no magnetic field and vice versa.

While it can be stated that everything is energy and has a frequency or vibration, what is also important to realize is that energy and matter are inter-changeable, that energy can become physical matter and physical matter can be transformed into energy. An atom is a fundamental particle of matter that is made up of 99% space and 1% energy. Protons and neutrons make up the nucleus or centre of the atom and has a positive electrical charge, while the electrons that circle it have a negative charge. What science has recently discovered is that an atom (matter) also has consciousness. So it naturally follows that since matter and energy are interchangeable, energy must also have a form of consciousness. Thoughts and ideas as well as feelings and emotions are not physical matter, but they are energy and have consciousness or we would not be aware of them. The universe is very much alive and composed of an infinite number of forms of consciousness that are vibrating as energy and matter.

The electromagnetic energy that we currently use in most of our electronic devices is called direct current (DC). Direct current doesn’t have a measurable frequency rate and flows in a constant direction like water coming out of a hose. It requires a metal conductor like copper, aluminum or steel with low resistance in order to provide a good path for the current to move back to the opposite pole of the battery or solar cell. In portable electronic devices like flashlights and cell phones that use batteries and direct current, the device and power source are self-contained, meaning it doesn’t need to be grounded to the Earth like AC power, just back to the opposite end of the battery for the device to work. What we mainly use in our homes and businesses is called alternating current (AC) power that can also be converted to DC power where needed. This alternating current is operating at a frequency of 60 hertz or cycles per second, meaning that it flows in a sine wave, first in one polarity direction and then in the opposite direction, and all this is happening at a rate of 60 times per second. Alternating current uses a conductor like aluminum or copper to bring the power to where it is going to be used, and while it does have a neutral return conductor, it also uses the Earth to complete the circuit. This is done by means of a ground rod that is driven into the Earth at regular intervals along the transmission line as well as at each house or business. At each house or business, this electrical neutral wire is also connected to the metal pipes of the water system that are buried in the ground. The electrical power plants are also grounded to the Earth and all devices using the alternating current need to be grounded in order to complete the circuit. Man made electrical generating plants use other forms of matter and energy like coal or falling water to spin giant turbine generators made with huge magnets that then create electrical power. On the other end, this electrical power can be used directly to power a light bulb or toaster, or it can be used to create a magnetic field in a motor to spin a shaft that powers a drill, fan, or an electric lawnmower, or it can be converted to DC to power TV’s, computers, radios and phones, etc.

Besides electromagnetism, an important aspect in exploring consciousness and life itself is in understanding the function of frequency and vibration. While I’ve mentioned frequency in regard to electromagnetism, I’d now like to present it from a different point-of-view. The Earth spins and revolves on its axis every 24 hours, (one day cycle) and orbits around the sun every 365.2422 days (one year cycle). Now while the Earth and the other planets in our solar system revolve around the sun, (a star) the sun and our solar system are collectively moving through our galaxy in a spiral path around the star Alcyone in the Pleiades star system. Alcyone, is also spiraling around the star Sirius, that is at the centre of our Milky Way galaxy that contains over 250 billion stars and countless planets. Our Milky Way galaxy and the billions of other galaxies that science has detected in our universe, then move in a spiral around a presently unknown force or object in deep space. On 2012-12-22, the Earth and our solar system began to move into alignment with the galactic equator of our Milky Way Galaxy. When it exits this equatorial alignment, it will be moving into the opposite phase of this galactic spiral cycle or frequency that occurs once every 25,800 years. So while we here on Earth can’t see past what we are going to have for supper or what is on TV tonight, the Earth and all upon it are connected to the cycle and rhythm of life that permeates the Universe, that has billions of galaxies and forms of life and consciousness.

The Earth not only has consciousness, it also has a number of frequencies. One such frequency is created by the space between the Earth's surface and the ionosphere. When first discovered, this cavity vibrated at a frequency around 7.2 Hz, but has since increased to 12 Hz and is still increasing. While this frequency is not usually heard or sensed by humans, it is something that animals can sense, like earthquakes or volcanoes, several minutes before they actually happen. Through their individual electromagnetic field, all matter in the elemental, plant, and animal kingdoms, as well as energy are connected to the Earths electromagnetic field, which also varies in response to the energies of the sun and moon. An interesting fact is that this resonant Earth frequency also lies on the border line between the alpha and theta waves of the human Mind. Everything on the Earth, including humans, is under the influence of this frequency that is essential in maintaining the basic rhythm of life. The average frequency of the human body ranges from 56 to 84 Hz. (cycles per second) with different organs vibrating at frequencies ranging from 1 to 120 Hz. When we are sick our body’s frequency is lower, and when we are healthy it is higher. When we are in a meditation or altered state of consciousness, our body’s frequency is from 10 to 15 points higher than normal, but that is only temporary. On the flip side, the death process begins when our body frequency drops below 25 Hz. Now to expand this even a bit further, it’s important to realize that while our Body has this relatively low frequency, various organs in our Body can sense frequencies that are much higher. Our ears can hear sounds whose frequencies are on the lower end of the Hz scale, that range from 20 to 20,000 Hz., while our eyes on the other hand can see physical light that vibrates from 430 trillion Hz (red) to 750 trillion Hz (violet.)

Our Physical Body acts as a conductor for the electromagnetic energy of our Spirit and Soul. Our Spirit (Mind) is the electrical computer aspect of our Being that sends electrical impulses to both our involuntary and voluntary muscles. It is also responsible for much of our conscious thoughts, ideas and memory. Our Soul (Will) is magnetic in nature and not only does it feel what is being experienced as pleasant or unpleasant, it’s also associated with our endocrine system that releases hormones (magnetic/chemical messengers) that also help regulate Body functions. Our seven Spiritual energy centers, chakra's, are directly linked with the glands responsible for creating these chemical hormones. Our Heart acts as the current flowing in the completed circuit, and can be compared to our physical heart pumping blood and life force to all aspects of our Body. An important thing to note is that each part of our Divine Being has its own consciousness and we need to become aware of these different forms if we are to truly awaken. This concept is fundamental in order to understand our Divine nature and essence, in that while they are separate energies, together they form the electromagnetic energy that creates a physical body and animates it with life, so as to enable us to experience our thoughts, feelings and emotions. As you can gather from this simple explanation, our reality is infinitely complex. I could go on but I have to stop somewhere. Now that you have some basic understandings of the nature and properties of electromagnetism, frequency and vibration, you also have more pieces of the puzzle that you can use to not only help you with the concept of Spirit and Soul, but also how it relates to your physical body, chakras, auras, issues, disease, and your current reality.

Conscious Awareness

While we may think that we are presently conscious and aware, the fact of the matter is that we are only vaguely conscious, not only of ourselves, but also of our surroundings. We are in a dream like state, unaware of who and what we really are, and our purpose for existence. Consciousness is not only the cognitive state in which you are aware of yourself and your surroundings, but also when you are aware of your differentiation, the different parts of your Being that have their own form of consciousness, yet are connected and work as one. It also includes having the awareness of the energies that interact with you. Consciousness also goes deeper than that as it involves a heightened awareness, a change of state, a transformation, and is associated with the infinite aspects of vibration or frequency. Consciousness exists as energy and matter and their forms are interchangeable.

Everything in the physical realm, from the micro to the macro, has consciousness whether we are aware of it or not. In the micro, consciousness exists in quarks, atoms and electrons, the elements, rocks, plants and animals. Expanding into the macro, we have the Earth, Moon, Sun, the planets in our solar system, and then our galaxy and this entire universe. Besides physical matter, we also have the non-physical or higher frequency vibrations of other dimensions and the Spiritual realms of consciousness. While we may think we have a unique form of consciousness enabling us to have dominion over our physical reality, that belief is far from the truth. If we are the least bit open to communicate with other forms of consciousness, we would see and feel that we are all connected, that there is no separation, except by our own choosing.

We presently define our physical reality by our imprints, programs and beliefs, and by our social customs and traditions that create the illusion of what we call life. I say illusion of life, because death and loss of consciousness is not a part of life. While there are infinite forms of consciousness, not all consciousness desires movement or life, as there is also conscious essence that desires the opposite, no movement or vibration, what we would term, death. While this state of consciousness is terrifying to essence that desires life, it is just as terrifying for essence that desires death, to experience the vibration of life. While it may not be apparent to you, any time your consciousness denies another aspect of your Being and doesn’t allow it to move unconditionally, that denied part of you which is seeking movement and life is not receiving love and acceptance from you, but is instead, receiving death.

While there is the in-breath and out-breath of life and a cycle for growth, death is not the natural cycle of life, as why would one choose death if the desire is to awaken consciousness to experience life? The imprint and program to control essence that is vibrating, to prevent it from moving, is part of the original blueprint of this creation that was manifested in ignorance and denial. The problem with this creation and reality is that every form of consciousness has been allowed to mix together creating the dual reality, (duality) that we are presently experiencing, with essence that desires life trying to co-exist with essence that desires death, and vice versa. What is happening now is the formation of a new blueprint for creation, one where life with unconditional love can be experienced. This creation of conditional love will remain and every form of consciousness will be moved to their right place where each form is happy with what it experiences.

We actually use very little of our consciousness as most of it is buried in our subconscious which is presently being controlled by our imprints, programs and beliefs to automatically run our daily lives, and to also suppress what it doesn’t want to feel or know, that is then shoved into what is our present unconscious. This in turn limits and affects not only our conscious Mind, but also our Will, Heart and Body. Our conscious, subconscious and unconscious Mind, Will, Heart and Body collectively hold all our knowledge, feelings and memories, imprints, programs and beliefs that we’ve experienced in our entire existence. These memories are not limited to our brain, but are stored throughout our entire body, in our cells, our DNA and in our chakra energy centers.

Awakening to our true self and potential is the journey we are now on. While we may have some knowledge and understanding of who and what we are, without experience, it is only a thought, an idea as we have no knowing. Hate is older than love and we have had plenty of experience dealing with hate, conditional love and death. Now it is time for love (Heart) to be born and to experience life and love without conditions. Awakening out of the stupor we have been in will take intent, time and effort, but with each step we take, we also help quicken or awaken our collective consciousness. The dawning of the golden age is upon us, but it will first be experienced as a quickening and then as an awakening, a change on the inside before it is reflected and experienced in the outer physical reality.

Consciousness is both light (Spirit) and darkness (Soul) the void or space. Light does not move in to replace darkness; darkness accepts light and moves back to create space for light to enter. When Light withdraws, darkness returns to fill the space that was occupied by light. As an analogy, that is what happens when you drive down a highway at night. You can really notice it when there are slight depressions in the road surface, as the darkness seems to slide off to the side of the road and then, once the light has passed by, it returns to reclaim the space.

Presently, when the Soul (Will) opens to receive Spirit (Mind), it has only received conditional love and light. When conditional light or no light fills the space that the Will has opened, what it receives is a combination of Spirit light and denial. Denial is unloving, is death. It is this death that needs to move out of the Will and that can only happen when Spirit ends its denial practice of only giving conditional acceptance to the Will or other parts of its Being. This is why the Will now needs to be accepted and healed and is what the new awareness is all about.

Consciousness is not only being aware of what’s around you, but also of what’s inside you – Shenreed

Different Aspects of Consciousness

Part of the dilemma we have in healing ourselves, and in particular, our feelings and emotions is that various aspects of society have created confusion about our Being, our human form. Words are used interchangeably and definitions are misleading, vague and confusing. We have four separate aspects to our Being (Mind, Will, Heart and Body) and each aspect has a separate and unique form of consciousness. While they are separate, they are also connected not only to each other, but to all that is. It's easy to generalize, overlook and deny that there are four aspects to our being, but when you really stop and begin to become aware of these individual parts, you soon realize that they are indeed not one and the same, that they are separate aspects, yet intrinsically connected. The following is a brief description of the different conscious aspects of our being.

Spirit - Mind Consciousness: Male, electric, positive, right, give, light, thoughts, ideas, logic, reason, knowledge, understanding, problem solving, speech, writing, talents, etc. and mentally defines love by words or deeds.

Soul - Will Consciousness: Female, magnetic, negative, left, receive, dark, space, sound, feelings, emotions, intuition, knowing, empathy, clairvoyance, clairaudience, telepathy, clairsentience, precognition, telekinesis, etc., and of course, the ability to feel and differentiate between what is loving and what is not loving without words.

Heart consciousness: Unconditional love, compassion, connection, acceptance, balance, freedom, peace, etc. (Conditional love is when denial is present that then create various forms of heartlessness)

Body Consciousness: hunger, thirst, pain, exhausted, sick, dizzy, excitement, euphoria, sexual pleasure and sensations, etc, plus the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch and smell.

Once we become aware of the four parts of our physical being, we can also begin to understand the number of different voices that we're hearing and why there's this inner battle that seems to be constantly raging within us. When we allow ourselves to be open to this concept, we begin to see the separate parts of us that are all connected and dependant on one another in order to live. Presently, all parts of our Being are controlled by our Mind, or rather our altered Mind that is in denial and being manipulated and controlled by the inner critic, guilt, shame, and other entities that are not even a part of our Being, but who have attached themselves to us, and we to them. When we're in denial, we have no acceptance for a part of our conscious Being. That denial or lack of Heart consciousness reverses our energy polarity and negatively affects the other aspects of our Being. Lack of Heart (Love) presence brings forth heartlessness. Heartlessness then impacts all the other aspects of our Being with issues of hate, judgments, attachments, denial, conditions, rules and power and control issues, that are brought forth by the inner critic, guilt, shame and the “other” voices that then create our dual reality, right wrong, good, bad, etc.

Throughout this book, I’ll be using the words, Spirit and Spirit Polarity a lot and I’d like to address any confusion that that may create. When I use the word Spirit, I’m referring to the Mind aspect of consciousness that has the attributes I previously described. While it has a masculine quality, it is not only present in a male physical form, but in the female form as well. We are a Spiritual Being having a physical experience and as such, we all have four aspects to our Spiritual Being, Spirit, Soul, Heart and Body. When we decide to incarnate into the physical dimension, we can choose our sexuality, meaning that we can experience life in either a male or a female body. It’s important to remember that while you may physically be a man or a woman, you still have all the attributes of your Divine Spiritual Being. This is where most people get hung up or lost, as they confuse their physical gender with their Spiritual Essence.

Now when I talk about the Spirit polarity, I’m referring to a group of incarnate Spiritual Beings that have Spirit Essence as their natural state of being, meaning that they have very little Soul or Will Essence that I have also previously defined. As such, they are mentally focused and control driven, and most importantly, they define love by words or deeds, as they are unable to feel love, because as mentioned, they have little Will Essence, only enough to keep them alive. They enhance their life essence by feeding off the energy of the Will polarity, which they manipulate and control. And again, to clear up any confusion, a Spirit polarity person can be in the physical form of a man or a woman.

Polarity and Duality

Next to denial, guilt and shame, duality and polarity are key elements contributing to the massive confusion affecting everything in creation, especially when the words are used interchangeably, when in fact they are not one and the same.

Polarity is the opposing yet expanding attributes of the same power or principle. i.e. left-right, hot-cold, up-down, fast-slow, small-big, East-West, North-South, clockwise-counter clockwise, positive-negative, electric (±), magnetic (±), alkali-acid, sweet-bitter, light-dark, male-female, Mind-Will, etc., and while they are of the opposite polarity, they are intrinsically connected to each other. They are the two sides of the same coin yet different and no matter how thin you slice the coin, it will still have two sides, two opposing polarized states of Being, creating two different and opposing points-of-view and realities. To an observer, polarity has no real meaning as it’s merely a mental concept. You would not know what hot or cold was by looking at it unless you had some personal experience and a frame of reference. It’s only when you feel and experience it from a subjective state that you begin to understand the various polarity attributes of that essence. After you have a physical experience, you form an opinion about it by how it feels to you.

Duality is the division of two contrary parts, opinions or points-of-views, i.e. good-bad, right-wrong, acceptable or not acceptable, etc., all based on judgments and beliefs. Politics, religion, media, education, language, customs and traditions, are prime examples of how a differentiation in form has created duality, where one point-of-view is deemed to be better or good, while the other is worse or bad. It is these mental judgments that deny the validity of the other point of view, which then creates hatred, separation, conflict and the duality that we experience.

Some examples of duality are that this brand of coffee is better than that one, that Christianity is better than Islam, that speaking English is better than Chinese, or that living in England is better than living in Egypt. While duality and polarity are not one and the same, there are aspects of polarity that are intertwined with duality by way of denial and judgments, that creates confusion. An example would be that this coffee is too cold or bitter, or that this man or woman is too small or too big, too fast or too slow. Unraveling this is not a simple matter, but it can, and is being done as reflected by the changes and shifts in consciousness that is now occurring.

The conscious Mind notices what is different, while the subconscious notices what is the same or similar. - Shenreed

Old World Mentality Pretending to be New

There is a lot of new age media hype about raising conscious awareness, that people are awakening and that humanity is becoming more conscious of the problems and issues facing the world. While there is a part truth in this hype, in that humanity is awakening or is raising its consciousness, what they consider as awakening is not what is awakening or what needs to awaken. I feel that what some of humanity is presently experiencing is a quickening, a heightening of awareness that comes with the exposing and ending of denials. What they are referring to is simply the mental awareness that there are social and environmental problems that need to be addressed. For instance, take the environmentalists dealing with issues of global warming and pollution, or the health organizations dealing with world poverty and health, or any of the other groups and organizations that have awareness of all the things that are wrong in the world that are not only affecting humanity, but all plants, animals and the Earth itself. While all these groups recognize that there is a problem, none are looking at addressing the real problem, but are rather addressing the symptoms. They believe that we need to work at eradicating these problems and issues by throwing money at them, foolishly believing that money will solve the problem.

Spend money to help clean the air.

Spend money to clean up our lakes, rivers and oceans.

Spend money to build cleaner operating cars and trucks.

Spend money to reduce household wastes.

Spend money to find a cure for cancer and other illnesses.

Spend, spend, and spend some more! There is no limit or end to spending.

This mentality is nothing new as I can remember it being touted as far back as the 1960’s, when groups and individuals, informed and lobbied governments, that then passed a broad range of legislation with added controls and standards to either reduce or end the problems that were being raised. As an example, back in the 70’s, after the first oil shortage, the USA and Canada introduced environmental legislation to have more fuel efficient vehicles. Legislation was enacted by both countries, and all automakers were in full agreement that by 1995, all passenger vehicles would have a minimum fuel efficiency rating of 35 mpg city/hwy combined. Well as you know, that deadline came and went and nothing changed, in fact, things even got worse with the introduction of gas guzzling SUV’s and monster trucks that dominated vehicle sales with a fuel efficiency rating of  less than 20 mpg city/hwy.

This type of mentality isn’t about awakening our consciousness, but controlling and diminishing it by having the masses buy into the political and media propaganda that is being forced upon us by those in a position of power that we have given them. There has been more misinformation and disinformation handed out in the past 50 years, than in all our current history combined, and instead of becoming enlightened and expanding our consciousness, society is moving into the dark ages. These groups think they’re fighting to change the system but all they’re doing is throwing money at the symptoms. What we need to do is to get rid of the social systems and the mindset that created them in the first place and to do that, we need a true awakening of mass consciousness.

The world is in crisis and a prime example is the economic crisis, where countries (meaning people) are in debt over their heads and are constantly borrowing money to pay for these imaginary solutions. Spending money is not going to solve the problem. What needs to be done is to change the mindset of all those that created and supported the problems in the first place. There’s no end to this madness, and it will not change until people really wake up and shake the fog from their Minds to see the illusion that they have been calling reality, that is slowly taking them down in a death spiral that is getting smaller and more compressed as personal freedoms become more controlled and limited. Down into this black hole of death that will compress existing consciousness to the point that it can’t move and will become unconscious and eventually, all life will be sucked out and it will die. I don’t mean death on a physical level as we have come to know it, I mean on a spiritual level where one ceases to exist. I also know that all this mayhem is needed and a necessary experience in order for the changes to take place. The old world will collapse on its own (which it is doing now) as the denials that are empowering those in a position of power are being exposed, as people begin to take their power back to create a new world and reality.

The Quickening and Awakening

I find it interesting to see the word awakening and awaken, used by New Age guru’s and social media as if it were some magical command to awaken those that are asleep. As previously mentioned, I feel that what humanity is presently experiencing is a quickening, a heightening of awareness that is happening as a result of the exposing and ending of denials. The quickening occurs when one becomes aware that things are not as they seem, that something is wrong with the picture of reality they are experiencing. However, simply becoming aware of the quickening in yourself and in others around you doesn’t mean that you, or they, are awaking. A person is going through their quickening when they begin to see and hear what disturbs them, what they have been denying. No longer satisfied with the status quo, they begin to question the answers they are given and to also speak their truth when they feel they are being lied to, abused or controlled. Once they have this awareness, they also need to have the desire, drive and courage to not only find the source of the problem, but to begin the process of correcting and healing it.

The quickening and subsequent awakening is not simply becoming aware of a problem and trying to fix it by treating the symptoms, like spending money to clean up our lakes, or an alcoholic realizing they have a drinking problem and quitting, or a woman or man in an abusive relationship leaving the relationship. It’s deeper than that, as one needs to find the original cause of the present issue. To truly begin to awaken, one needs to find the underlying causes of why they are experiencing what they are. They need to ask themselves, who, what, where, when, why and how and then keep asking until they reach the truth. If all they are doing is treating the symptoms or moving to the other end of the denial teeter-totter, nothing really changes except the form of the issue, like from being an alcoholic to now being an abstainer. While they are no longer drinking, they find another activity to help them deny the real feelings and emotions that have never been addressed and healed.

The quickening is the prelude to awakening and the birth of unconditional love and a blueprint for a new reality. When a person has come to the point where they consciously seek to end their personal denials and put into action, (keyword action) what they have come to understand and know through their personal experiences, they awaken themselves with an experience of unconditional love. Once the veil of self-denial has been torn and begins to be lifted, the truth is revealed and the illusion of what they have called love and life will be shattered. But just because one has experienced the power of unconditional love, that doesn’t mean they are fully awakened, as healing is not a quick fix and there are many layers and levels that one needs to uncover and address in order to heal all the parts that are damaged and lost. Once a person has been awakened, they find themselves with a foot in two worlds, two realities. While they have no desire to return to the old world of denial and conditional love, they still find themselves in it as there is still more work to be done.

Death and Consciousness

There is also mass confusion and misinformation about dying and death. When a person has died a so-called physical death, it is Spirit that leaves the Body first, and Heart Essence leaves a few moments later. Upon what is called physical death, when breath and heart stop, Spirit leaves the Body and usually sees a light and is greeted by heavenly beings and familiar deceased people. Spirit remains near the Body and its presence can be seen and felt by those that are psychic. It’s during this transition that Spirit also reflects on its life and the gains and losses it has made. If there are attachments to people, places and things, then these will have a bearing as to when Spirit leaves the Earth plane. While Spirit is free to move and communicate, that is not the case with the Will and Body. Remember we are talking about our consciousness here. This is similar to what people that have had a near death experience (NDE) report seeing and feeling, except in this case, there is no coming back. In the case of a NDE, the physical Body doesn’t have any vital signs, and for all intense purposes, the person is considered dead and yet when the Spirit returns to the Body, life returns as well.

The Soul, or Will, remains in the Body after Spirit and Heart have left, and when she realizes that life is hopeless without Spirit and Heart presence, she slowly begins to withdraw her essence from the Body. The Soul first withdraws from the limbs and then the internal organs. As the Will withdraws its essence from the various parts of the Body, the Body begins the process of returning to the physical elements from which it was formed. During this  process, while both the Will and Body have conscious awareness of what is going on, they have lost the ability to express or understand it without Spirit (Mind) presence. The Will feels a host of emotions like heartbreak, terror, anger and rage, and the Body has its own feelings, but without Spirits presence to animate the Body, the Body can’t move to express what it, or Will are feeling.

It’s not the Body that smells of death, but the reversed polarity unloving energy of denial that is trapped and held in the Body that gives off the unforgettable foul odor of death as it is being released. This smell of death is the smell of Lucifer, and those of you that have smelt his presence around you when you are challenging him, will know what I mean. Once the Will has released all its attachments to the Body, usually three days after Spirit has left, all parts of the Body begin to return to the natural elements from which they were formed.

What I’m going to say now will activate and shock most of you, but the medical community does not transplant dead organs; they harvest and transplant living organs that still have Will essence in them. The only reason that the organs are useful is because they are still alive to a limited degree, and all that they need to become alive is Spirit and Heart essence. A person being brain dead means that Spirit and Heart have left the body, and both are needed to keep the body animated and alive. Artificial life support systems do just that, as it supplies air to the lungs and keeps the blood flowing in the Body, while also supplying essential nutrients needed to keep the Body organs functioning and alive. Artificial life support forces the Will to remain in the Body until such time that life support is turned off and the organs are harvested to replace a diseased or damaged organ in another person. While in this state, both the Will and Body are conscious and aware of what is happening, but are unable to express themselves. After an organ is harvested and transplanted into another person, it is not uncommon for the organ recipient to have flashes of conscious awareness and memories of their organ donors thoughts and feelings. Another thing is that when autopsies are done on the Body, the Body and Will can still feel what is happening but are powerless to express their pain, terror, heartbreak, anger and rage at being dismembered. An analogy would be of a person considered to be in a comatose state unable to move a finger or respond to stimuli and considered brain dead. While they are unable to move any part of their body, they are still conscious and aware of what is going on around them and what is happening to their Body. People used to know this and is the reason that they weren’t buried for three to four days after they died a physical death. Autopsies and funeral homes embalming people are only recent procedures that only add to the Wills and Body’s traumatic experience. An autopsy is really no different than dismembering a person when they are still alive, but unable to move or speak. As mentioned, it usually takes about three days for the Will to move out of the Body and for all parts of the Body to begin to decay and return to the elements from which it was formed.

One final comment, our Spirit (Mind) has never experienced death, that’s why there is this belief that death is nothing and not to be feared. While Spirit has experienced pain and suffering in the Body and the process of dying; death and the slow loss of consciousness is something that it has never experienced because when the Spirit decided that the Body was no longer able to support life, Spirit (Mind) withdrew, along with Heart, to leave the Will and Body to their agonizing demise. That is why most people say they are not afraid of death, that death is nothing, that it is a part of life, as from a mental standpoint of the Spirit, (Mind) it is unknown and has never been experienced. What needs to be healed is what the Will and Body go through when Spirit withdraws from Body and that can only be done if Spirit has acceptance to feel what has been avoided and denied. Death is not a part of life, death is the denial and ultimate absence of life.

Born Ignorant - Mind Learning to Trust the Will

Why are we born? Why do some of us seem to have a good and rich life, while others have to toil and struggle? You will probably say that if you had known what you were going to experience before you were born, that you would have either chosen a different life, or not be born at all if you knew that you would be opening the proverbial can of worms, and had to endure a life of pain and suffering. But as unbelievable as it may seem, that is part of the reason we chose this lifetime and these experiences. We chose our life experiences in order to heal not only this lifetime, but to also heal all our lives, our past, future, and our multi-dimensional lives. Ponder that concept. What truly loving and courageous Beings we are to have chosen such a task. The obvious question we then ask is, if that is our purpose, then why are we born ignorant as to what issues we have to heal and how to do it, so that we can then have the life we desire?

The answer is an oxymoron. If you knew what your issues were and were able to heal them in the Spiritual realm, then there would be no need to reincarnate. While the spiritual realm and the physical Earth realm are connected, they are not one and the same. To help explain this, I use the analogy of riding a bike. In the Spiritual realm, while you may have the mental knowledge of how to ride a bike and the mechanics involved, you have never experienced riding one. In order to gain knowing, you need to have a physical experience. You need to incarnate into the physical reality where you can actually experience riding a bike that will enable you to put your knowledge into action and know what it feels like. Even though you have the knowledge, you don’t ride the bike and do all the tricks with it the first time you ride it. You need to have the experiences of what doesn’t work in order to know what works and to experience what you desire.  In the same way, you are born to gather information through various experiences that not only enable you to learn and know how to heal, but to also experience healing (riding the bike). In the same way, you have come here to heal and recover your lost essence and that means learning how to love yourself and not deny the parts of you that you have no acceptance for. But before you can love yourself, you need to learn what love is, to experience it, and to do that, you also need to experience what is not love. Once you’ve begun gathering the spiritual tools on the Earth plane, you can then begin the process of healing and empowering yourself and to live the life you desire in unconditional love and not the conditional love you have been experiencing.

While you may have all this knowledge when you were in the Spiritual realm, when you were born, you immediately began adapting to the physical reality, and in so doing, you gradually began to lose your connection to the Spiritual realm and what it was that you came here to do. Being in the physical realm also meant that now you were totally vulnerable and at the mercy of others for whatever experiences came your way, with no way of protecting or expressing yourself. Not only that, as a Spiritual Being, you were already imprinted and programmed with original cause and as you grew, you also became imprinted with your parents beliefs, customs and traditions. So not only do you not remember what you knew in the Spiritual realm, but now your Mind is full of information that does not make your journey any easier, but at the same time, it creates all the necessary tools to help you recover and heal the lost parts of your essence. To know what love is, you also need to know what love is not, and you have to figure it out for yourself through your experiences (like learning to ride and balance a bike) and when you do, you will be empowered. It is then that you will begin to remember who you are and what your purpose and mission is. In the process of your journey, you will discover that only you have the power to love yourself, and that means loving all parts of you and not the superficial self-gratification that passes itself off as self-love. You will also discover that all the people in your life experiences provide you with an opportunity to heal your issues and empower yourself. The only approval you need is your own self-acceptance (self-love) for the other parts of your Being.

A key to all this is your Spirit (Mind) and Heart. Your Mind has never done this before and it goes against all the imprints, programs and beliefs that it has. You don’t need a shield or a sword; all you need is to stand in your truth and to trust your Will, and to express yourself in the moment. You will not need to defend yourself as any attacker will run from you if you allow your Will to tell you how to handle the attacker. Also know that your Will will never lie to you, or allow you to be hurt. Trust your Will, as it is your Will, and only your Will that can feel the difference between what is loving and not loving. That is the lesson you came here to learn and experience in order to begin to heal and empower yourself. That is the magic that will transform your life and take you out of the role of being a victim to one of experiencing all that you desire. While your Spirit is the key player in all of this, as it has been the one in control, don’t put all the blame on your Mind as all this is also new to him. You need to forgive yourself for not knowing what you were doing (while in a state of denial) to another aspect of your Being that you thought was not only, not important, but also the cause of your problems and issues. Your Mind also needs to let go of all the imprints, programs and beliefs that no longer serve your highest purpose and good. Without Heart presence, Spirit (Mind) is not open or willing to trust its Soul (Will) and to allow her free expression. There has been a major gap between Spirit and Will for all eternity and it is now that Heart can be born in the gap and make healing possible between the Mind and Will, and to finally bring balance to creation.

Chapter 8 - Spirit/Mind - Judgments

Mind – thoughts - ideas – logic- reason

By far the biggest challenge we have in healing and empowering ourselves is in getting our Mind to think in a different way than it has been for all eternity. If we can’t get our Mind to change its point-of-view, then healing will be impossible. In order for the Mind to be able to change and heal, it first needs to understand itself. “Know thyself,” is an aphorism associated with Socrates which is just as valid and meaningful today as it was then. So the question that begs to be asked is, “How do we begin to know ourselves?” We begin by using the problem-solving tool at our disposal, our Mind. The Divine irony is that the solution to our problem is also the problem. Before we can use that part of our Being to uncover our true self, we need to not only understand what our Mind is and how it works, but also know what is not our Mind. You can’t fix anything until you know how it works and what caused it to malfunction in the first place. I’ve already mentioned the different forms of consciousness within our Being, but now I’d like to briefly expand on that part of our Being that we need in order to solve our problems and heal our issues. Once we begin to understand and know ourselves, and end our denials and heal, it then follows, to quote Shakespeare: Hamlet Act 1, scene 3: “This above all; to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Our Spirit, (Mind) while it is associated with the physical organ in our Body that we refer to as the brain, it is not the brain. The best way to describe the Mind and how it relates to the brain is to compare it to a super computer. The Mind is associated with the software with its imprints, programs and beliefs, while the brain is the actual physical computer, the hardware containing the motherboard, CPU, RAM, hard drive, and all the other components and peripherals that are involved with our physical body. Together, they’re not only capable of processing vast quantities of data and information that are stored as memory, but they also monitor, maintain and control all the various functions of our Body with machine like precision and reliability, both automatically, as well as those activities that are more consciously controlled. The Spirit (Mind) also utilizes the Bodies senses of sight, sound, taste, smell and touch to experience reality, which it then stores in its memory. While the Spirit (Mind) controls the prime functions of our physical Body, it only occupies half of the physical brain. The Spirit polarity male aspect of our Divine Being, our Mind, resides in the left side of the brain and is mainly associated with logic, reasoning, numbers, language, and analytical and objective thinking. Our Soul or Will polarity female aspect resides in the right side and is associated with intuition, knowing, feelings, emotions, music, color, images, creativity, and in being subjective.

While the Spirit and Soul each occupy half of the brain, it is the Spirit (Mind) that not only controls the functions of the physical Body but it also controls the other aspects of our Being, our Will and Heart. It does so by over-riding whatever information it is getting, either by conscious intent, or as the result of faulty or damaged receptors, or a glitch in the software program that makes it unable to receive any input from the other aspects of our Being. The latter problems go all the way back to Original cause and are imprints and programs within us that we now need to identify and either change or let go of, if healing is to take place. With Spirit being dominant and in control of our Being, there is no balance as the Mind is a dictator that refuses to relinquish his position of power. It’s not about another aspect of our Being having control, but rather that there is a mutual non-denial agreement by all aspects of our Being as to what is being experienced. It’s important to remember that while the Mind is presently in control of our Being, the Mind itself is oblivious to the fact that it is being controlled by other forces that it naively believes is itself and the truth. Until the Mind can end its denials and accept input from the other aspects of its Being, it will not only be controlled, but will also, along with the rest of its Being, continue its slow and downward spiral toward certain death.

Scientists have developed quantum supercomputers with AI (Artificial Intelligence) that gives machines the intellectual power that begins to rival the human mind/brain. It not only has the ability to process and store data and perform a multitude of intricate electronic and mechanical tasks, but it is also able to problem solve and make analytical and logical decisions based on the feedback it receives. In other words, it has the ability to think for itself. While it can do all these wonderful analytical things, it, like our Mind, is incapable of having any feelings and emotions. However, like Spirit polarity people, humanoid robots with AI can be programmed to mimic human facial expressions and body movements associated with emotions, as well as having the ability to verbally express what one would consider to be feelings and emotions, but which of course, are false and just an programmed act.

Judgments and Beliefs

A highly developed Mind and intellect is not simply one that is able to memorize and repeat the knowledge, thoughts and ideas that it has obtained from others, but rather one that can think outside the box. A person that is able to comprehend original thoughts to create unique solutions to problems, instead of merely having to rely on known solutions for specific problems or issues. A Mind (thoughts ideas, reason and logic) that is full of knowledge is really a closed and limited Mind and not one that has developed its full potential. This unused potential includes not only the other aspects of the left brain that are presently occupied with old imprints, programs and beliefs, but also utilizing the qualities of the right side of the brain, the Will (intuition, feelings and emotions) that have never been allowed to develop or have any real expression, except under the control and guide lines of the Mind. Besides these untapped resources, there is also our Body, Heart, and the sub-conscious and unconscious aspects of our Being that also need to be brought to full consciousness. Of course there is a down side to being a free thinker and one that is outside the box, in that most will think you’re weird, losing it, have gone over the edge, or are just plain mad or crazy.

Society presently defines a free thinker as a genius, a person with a high IQ (one that uses the left side of their brain) yet even the most intelligent mind is limited by its fear that prevents it from exploring the unknown, or challenging what it believes to be true. Albert Einstein, one of the greatest thinkers of our time was accurate in his assessment of society when he stated, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational Mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” Even when one has a creative gift or talent that is related to the right side of the brain, that gift or talent is only given social acceptance if it can be directly attributed to the Mind. Old world mentality says it’s not enough to naturally play a musical instrument or to be able to sing; to be truly accepted by the social powers to be, one must also be properly trained by so-called professionals in order to be duly recognized, which of course is rubbish.

While the Mind has intellect, logic, reason and understanding, there are other qualities and abilities that it doesn’t have, being those possessed by the Will. While the Will lacks the Mind’s talents, it makes up for with other abilities, one being its undeniable ability to feel the presence of loving, or unloving intent. When left to its own resources, the Mind only has a mental understanding of what love is based on what it has stored as imprints, programs and beliefs. If it is a pleasant and desirable experience then it is deemed to be loving and vice versa. If the Mind denies any input from its Will, the only option that the Mind has to identify if something is loving or not, is by what it indirectly experiences through the Body, including the imprints, programs, social customs, traditions, beliefs and judgments that it has acquired through the Body experiences and senses in this life time. Love, as defined by these parameters is a matter of whether what is being experienced makes the Mind and Body feel good. If the Mind judges the physical sensations of the Body’s senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell) as pleasurable, then they are judged as good and therefore loving, and of course, any physical experience that offers discomfort or pain is considered unloving. These are “feel good” sensations of the Body, they are not love, and without the Will’s input, the Mind is not only blind, but also ignorant to what is, and is not love.

That’s not to say that the Mind doesn’t have feelings or sensations that are its own. The Mind has its own unique feel good feelings that are not shared with the Will, Heart or Body. Mind experiences these when it withdraws into itself, and can bask in an inner peace and reverie, floating in a sea of tranquil colors, free from any distractions of the other parts of its Being. As mentioned before, denial based meditation is a method that enables the Mind to temporary free itself from the distracting aspects of physical reality and drift off into this inner sanctuary. The Mind feels good in this inner space but when it comes back to physical reality, it is only able to maintain this form of pleasure for a very short time before it again gets caught up in the drama of physical reality. Of course, there are other temporary ways for the Mind to escape physical reality, that being with the use of alcohol, drugs, (including prescription) etc, but these forms of escape can also create the reverse effect and be traumatic.

Awakening is not what you desire, as sleeping is what you know. - Shenreed

Imprints, Programs and Beliefs

This is a huge and complex topic and one that affects every aspect of our Being and is an intrinsic part of what creates and animates life as we know it. Our physical bodies are created according to a Divine electromagnetic energy blueprint that has programmed and coded our very DNA, which not only automatically controls every aspect and function of our physical body needed to maintain life, but also our consciousness that experiences physical reality. Our coded DNA helps create and develop our physical Bodies, from the energy that formed the DNA itself all the way up to a self-aware adult human Being. As we are a Spiritual Being having a physical experience, all the other aspects of our Being, our Mind, Will, Heart and Body are also imprinted and programmed with a myriad of thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions and physical sensations that go all the way back to our original creation.

Besides the Divine imprints and programs that we are not conscious or aware of, we also have those that we’ve obtained in this lifetime and also in our past lives. An example of one such program that we are conscious of in this lifetime but is taken for granted is our spoken and written language. Other simple physical acts like riding a bicycle are also a learned behavior where we programmed our Mind and Body to behave in certain ways to enable us to ride the bicycle successfully. Most of these are learned and developed early in life through our child/parent relationships, while others are formed through our social customs and traditions that create the beliefs that we hold as truths that are directly linked to our life experiences. But sad to say, not all our programmed learned behavior is considered good and provides pleasant experiences. Unfortunately, some of the most negative programming occurs when we are unaware that we are programming another, or that we’re being programmed.

An example of how we have been detrimentally imprinted and programmed can be illustrated by picturing a young child playing with building blocks. The child piles them up haphazardly on top of each other and then laughs with glee as they tumble to the floor. The experience is spontaneous and in the moment, and the feelings and emotions are of happiness and joy as the child has no expectations or fear. Now take the same child but older and where a parent or guardian has taught the child to arrange the blocks in a certain pattern. Having tried and failed a few times and on hearing and seeing the parents or guardians negative comments and actions about the failures, the child now has fear and expectations that they didn’t have when they were simply playing with the blocks. The play has now turned to a task as they try to arrange the blocks in the way they were taught and to expect a certain outcome that would please others. Now the child thinks/feels that it needs to stack the blocks as tall as they can or build elaborate structures, and when they fall to the floor, the child becomes frustrated, disappointed or even angry because they failed to meet their programmed goals and expectations. Not only that, they now have feelings of being a failure, not good enough, being wrong, having made a mistake, and the list goes on and on, and all these issues are being triggered and activated by a program associated with simple building blocks. Even if they are successful, they are encouraged to do more, to build it higher or bigger, and no matter what they do, it will never be good enough. What the unseen role of denial is, is that this program also lays the guidelines for future experiences where the child will try to make others happy by trying to meet the expectations that are placed on them. This scenario is what will continue to be played out over and over again throughout their life, all be it in different forms and experiences.

While I say that we are being programmed, what is really happening is that we are reactivating the old programming and coding that we have chosen to heal in this lifetime. While it may appear that what we are experiencing is negative, it is merely exposing the imprinting and programming that already exists within us that is linked to past lives, that is linked to our original imprinting on a Spiritual level. While this example implies that these so-called negative feelings and emotions are caused by our early experiences in this lifetime, the real issues are far deeper and more complex, and are what we have come to heal and evolve in this lifetime. We are here to heal and evolve, and create a new blueprint for a creation that has yet to be born and experienced, that of life with unconditional love. As you can see, our imprints, programs and beliefs have a huge effect on our lives and identifying them and letting go of those that don’t serve our highest purpose and good, is at the very core of our healing that will enable us to create a new blueprint for a new reality. As you read this and my other books, you will become aware of how our various imprints,  programs and beliefs unconsciously affect our behavior and how we ignorantly believe that our behavior and experiences are just normal or natural, when in fact, they are far from that.

Judgments - Observations - Choice and Denial

The dictionary defines judgment as the cognitive process of reaching a decision or drawing conclusions, while an observation is defined as the act of noticing or paying attention, and the definition of choice being the act of choosing or selecting. My definition of a judgment is when a person has conditions, expectations and strong beliefs about a situation and has drawn a conclusion that a certain experience with a person, place or thing, is defined as good or bad, based on their imprints, programs and beliefs and experiences. An observation is when a person is presented with the same situation and subjective experience, but where the person doesn’t have the same imprints, programs and beliefs as the person with judgments, and so there is no good or bad, but simply the acknowledgment of the experience for what it is. Like a child playing with the building blocks before it is programmed.

Judgments are thought forms frozen in time and are outside the present, or now moment, and are also attached to the thinker. That is to say that the points-of-view, expectations and projections are based on past experiences that contain thoughts and ideas that have been learned, as well as experiences where feelings and emotions were denied and suppressed. Learned judgments such as politics, religion, education, language, customs and traditions are prime examples of where one point-of-view is deemed to be good or better, while another point-of-view is bad or worse. Judgments deny the validity of whatever it is judging, which, when it is another person, creates separation, hatred and conflict. By far the biggest judgments we have are our twisted beliefs of what truth and love is.

An observation is a thought and feeling that is without fear or expectation. An example of an observation would be that of a person seeing a lake and expressing the thoughts and feelings that are stirred in the moment without attachment to whether it is good or bad. Using the same lake, another person might express their judgments by stating how they don’t like lakes or any body of water, and give their reasons for their judgment. If you were to go behind the judgment you would uncover the fact that the person had a traumatic experience of nearly drowning and hence the judgment. Judgments form beliefs and are also repeated because of the unresolved emotional charge that is attached to it remains unexpressed, while observations are experienced without attachment as there is no unexpressed emotional charge. Unfortunately, most of our thoughts are clouded by judgments and are reactions to past experiences. Babies and young children are good examples of one’s still capable of expressing observations without social judgments. The old saying, “Out of the mouths of babes,” is a classic example of the truth of observation, where thoughts and feelings are expressed without bias or judgment.

When one has unexpressed fear, doubt and confusion surrounding an experience, judgments are formed in an attempt to understand the experience, but instead of gaining any understanding, misunderstandings are created. These judgments take the form of either having power or control, or of not having power and control of the situation that was experienced. When judgments are made, they are not easily changed as they are deemed to be the truth. One can avoid making judgments by expressing whatever confusion, doubts or fears they have in the moment they have them, and not by denying them and then later projecting their judgments as truths cast in stone. The only way to find the underlying cause of a judgment is to become aware of the situation that is creating the activation and conflict. While hindsight can be a valuable source of information and understanding, judgments cloud or negate any understandings that could have been applied to the next experience. To add to the confusion, when a person is activated and the Mind is in denial, false emotions surface that are aligned with the Minds judgments, making the Mind believe that its judgments are valid and true.

Judgments are also placed on things that we desire or that are habits. We are attached to feel good feelings and sensations and so our Mind makes judgments that these are acceptable and loving, while those that don’t give pleasure are judged against. If you do not have an attachment to the person, place or thing, then going into the experience is neutral and is then a matter of choice based on how it feels in the present moment, and can be experienced with childlike wonder and excitement. If there are attachments, then one will have judgments, expectations and projections based on the past experiences. In other words, when one has judgments, one is living in the past or the future, and not in the present moment.

There is also confusion between a judgment and choice, as people will say they are not judgmental, but are merely choosing what pleases them. The reason that it is difficult to differentiate between judgments and choice is that they are wrapped up in layers of denial and guilt. An example of a judgment/choice in denial would be if someone offered you a choice between doing A and B. You might have certain preferences to experience A, and others for experiencing B and then still others for wanting to experience both A and B. You may feel that choosing one over the other is a judgment and that by choosing one, you are in denial of the other. Of course, guilt is also playing its role by confusing the issue even more. While the problem appears to be simply one of making a choice, the real issue is the unseen role of denial. In the example, the person is confused and in doubt and they need to express their confusion, doubt and feelings in the moment they are feeling them as that will clear the air and make the choice much simpler and easier, and without guilt nagging and niggling at them. It’s subtle, but it’s this unseen role of denial that really has a hold on us and distorts and creates our reality. Intent and the courage to end our denials enables us to turn our judgments and what would have been a guilt-fest, into an experience of acceptance and compassion. While denial is the key player in all this, it’s impossible to even begin to see and feel the unseen role of denial until you have chosen to end the obvious and blatant self deception practices of lies, omission, avoidance and denials that you are aware of. Ending them, and expressing your Will prepares you to begin to identify the more subtle ones, that finally enable you to find and heal the lost parts of you that will empower you to create the experiences and life that you truly desire.

Judgments are thought forms frozen in time that are attached to the thinker. - Shenreed

Truth and Perfection

The key to uncovering and experiencing the truth is when all that is hiding the truth is removed. In other words, when all that is false has been stripped away, the truth is revealed. Key words to help uncover the truth are who, what, where, when, why and how. The truth also changes and evolves, so we can’t define it as an absolute, as it’s not static or cast in stone. At best, all we have are part truths, as knowing the whole truth about a situation or experience is impossible. Searching for a truth is like searching for perfection. When is a rose blossom perfect? What exact moment is perfect and who is to say that the past moment, or the next moment would have not been more perfect. It's a fool’s game to think that we can obtain perfection as it doesn’t exist, and if it did, that would mean that all life would stop and there could be no change or further growth. Every moment is perfect, as was the previous, as is the next, as every moment (time) allows us to experience life. So the search and definition for the ultimate truth is like the search for perfection, an absurdity and a waste of time, as the ultimate truth is constantly changing, evolving and in motion. Truth is what you feel in the moment but it is also not something that you cling to, but allow to change and evolve. The truth is made up of many part truths and the more part truths you know through experience, the more you know and the wiser you become.

The truth is relative to the beholder, it's their version of the truth based on their perception and their imprints, programs and beliefs. Another person’s truth may not be your truth, or the truth, unless you accept it as your truth. Most things that are taken as being the truth are actually judgments based on past experiences. It’s like the fable of the six blind men and the elephant, where each has their version of the truth and while each has a part-truth, no one has the whole truth or idea of what the elephant really is. In other words, there are always parts of the truth that we are not aware of. There is always the unknown, the mystery of life that is growing and evolving.

So now you may be thinking that you shouldn’t be bothered when someone makes a comment about you that activates you, because it is only their truth, their judgments and beliefs and that it isn’t true about you. If you were not affected or activated by their comments, then that would be the truth, but if you are activated and triggered, then there is truth to their comment, that is also your truth, but that you are in denial of. If there is no sore or emotional or mental wound, then there is nothing they can say or do that will cause you pain or discomfort. If there's no issue and no denial present, then their words or actions won't trigger or affect you. The truth is hidden by denials and judgments and when denials are ended, so are the judgments that supported the denials and the truth is revealed. When you are being activated, that means that you have an attachment to what another person is saying about you, your person, traits, talents, etc. You believe it is true and so it is your truth and your denials that they are reflecting to you. While you can change your Mind and fill your head with positive affirmations to say that you are not activated, that doesn’t change the truth as you are in denial.

So now you may be asking, how do I believe in my own truth? You can't believe in your truth until you live your truth and walk your talk. So now you ask, how do I walk my talk? You walk your talk by ending your denials of any part of your Being and by living your truth, not just talking, but by setting an example and doing. Walking your talk is doing the opposite of what you have been doing, which is basically following the old golden rule of, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you,” with the added denial clause of, “Do as I say, not as I do.” In walking your talk, you are not imposing your judgments or beliefs on others and neither are you allowing others to impose their judgments and beliefs on you.

While perception and awareness of your thoughts, feelings, emotions and body are key to walking your talk, it is in the action, the doing, that the truth is revealed and you are empowered. Perception and awareness is a part-truth, a mental concept, but it is the doing or experiencing that gives rise to the feelings and emotions that then give you knowing and understanding of the experiences you had, and if what you thought was the truth, is still the truth. It doesn’t matter what the other person says or does in response to your declaration of truth, it matters only that you are ending your denials and expressing your truth in the moment instead of continuing to deny them. The difficult thing to realize is that not everyone will see the truth as you see it, or be willing to end their denials. When you have healed your issues related in trying to save others, you will have acceptance, compassion and the understanding to know that they’re in exactly the right place and time to experience what they need to enable them to heal, or not heal their issues. They have free Will and choice, just as you do.

Since your life is about your experiences, it is subjective and hence, the truth is relative to your point-of-view and any unresolved issues, imprints, programs, beliefs and judgments you have. Therefore, any judgments of right or wrong depend on whether or not you like what you are doing or experiencing and that will reflect your version of the truth. Healing requires that you be both objective and subjective, analytical and feeling, as it is the subjective aspect that is needed in order to know what is true for you. Unless you immerse yourself in the experiences and apply and live what you know, it's all an objective perspective, a cold, impersonal scientific assumption or theory, devoid of experience and any feelings, emotions and Heart.

When you have healed your issues, or don’t have an issue, then you are not activated by another's comments and judgments as you accept their comments as their truths and what they believe is true for them. As they are expressing their truth, you don't feel you have to accept their truth as your truth, and neither are you inclined to pressure them to accept your truth, as their truth, if your truth is different than theirs. That is when the magic of acceptance happens and you recognize that they are what they are and they believe what they believe and that is okay, and the same holds true for you. If you feel that what they are sharing is something that you are interested in pursuing further, then that is your choice, and you are not doing it because you feel pressured to compromise, co-operate, or be accepted or whatever. If however you feel activated or feel the need to defend your beliefs and truth, then know that you have an issue and that denial is present, and that this is yet another healing opportunity.

Minds Diversions and Avoidance

When we are activated and our Mind is triggered into its imprints, programs and beliefs, it looks for a diversion to avoid having to deal with the feelings that are coming up. While there are countless issues, two common issues we all have are our fear of the unknown and failure. When we are confronted by our issues, we quickly drop what we are doing and do something else like get a drink, something to eat, go to the bathroom, or do anything else we can think of just as long as it diverts our attention from what we are feeling. We gladly go off and take care of these little meaningless things instead of dealing with what we are really feeling.

While it is the Mind that is responsible for this diversion, it is actually reliving and reacting to its imprints, programs and beliefs and is running on autopilot. To blame the Mind and to force it to end its denial and avoidance is not coming from a place of love and acceptance for what the Mind is holding, which are its old imprints programs and beliefs that are in part, controlling its actions. When there is anger and blame at the Mind for its actions or lack thereof, we need to allow ourselves to find out why the Mind is afraid, and what imprints, programs and beliefs it has. Once they are identified, they can be gone into and changed by releasing the judgments in the Mind that say avoidance and denial is the only way to control the situation. Denying the Mind to allow it to heal is no different than denying the Will to heal in a way that she needs to. Once the Mind has dealt with its issues and released its judgments, it can then move to extend the same compassion to the Will to allow her to move and express what she needs to. Knowing that the Mind did, allows the Will to do the same.

You need to find what the Mind is afraid of and move to release the old imprints, programs and beliefs that are holding it captive, and to allow new understandings to take their place. If the Mind is denied, then what will take your Minds place is denied rage that will merely continue with the old imprints, programs and beliefs, and nothing will change. While I say the Mind is responsible for diversions when it seeks to avoid facing its issues, there are also “other” forces at work that divert the Mind’s attention, especially when it has intent to heal. While the Mind is focused on one thing, other thoughts and ideas are fed into the Mind that make it lose its focus and concentration and follow the thought or idea that just came up out of the blue. Besides mental diversions, another ploy these other forces have is to make the Mind go blank so as to lose its train of thought. When intent to heal is made, these unloving forces will do anything they can to stop or slow down the process. Also be aware that if these other forces can’t get through to you directly, they will use other people, places and things as a means to try to stop you, or at least slow you down until they can come up with another plan.

A Closed Mind

We have a Mind with which to think, reason and problem solve, and yet when we sense that we are getting in touch with a reality that is unpleasant, we shut it down and go on autopilot, blindly choosing to follow our judgments, imprints, programs and beliefs. Beliefs and judgments are by far the most familiar trait of a closed Mind, as it usually involves a narrow and inflexible point-of-view that the Mind deems as absolute fact and truth. It’s not open to new information that might change its point-of-view as it considers its point-of-view its source of power and control. While the Mind closes down and gaps when it is being activated into its known issues, it’s also activated by what is unknown. This is especially true if one is feeling attacked but is afraid to ask questions or challenge those that are attacking them, especially if they are loved ones or authority figures, as the outcome is unknown and they think that they may end up regretting having expressed themselves. When the Mind is closed, it will either believe it knows all there is to know about a specific topic and what is good for self and others, or it will feel numb and confused, but deny that it is. It will go through the motions but that‘s all it is, motions and habits, like a machine doing the same repetitious task over and over. The other scenario of a closed Mind is one that is embattled in denied rage and false emotions that blames anyone or anything, including itself, for its current unpleasant situation.

When the Mind is struggling with issues of trying to remain in control, or of not wanting to be controlled, it either races to try to find a quick fix solution, or it tries to close down so as to not feel what it doesn’t want to feel. When the Mind is in this state, you may find it difficult to go to sleep, or at the other end of the teeter-totter, you find that all you want to do is sleep, as sleep is an escape from the reality that the Mind doesn’t want to face. Another mental solution to avoid an issue is to become a hypochondriac where one is not only thinking about an illness, but also getting the physical symptoms of the illness they think they have. There’re countless ways and means by which a person with a closed Mind tries to control their lives through their daily routines, habits and obsessions. Other times we just feel numb, our Body is not tired or exhausted, but we feel we don’t have the energy to really do anything, or we may just feel tired and want to go to sleep. Still other times our Body feels both exhausted and in pain as in the case of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. It’s like we’re waiting, but waiting for what we don’t know. When we’re in this space, we may have brief moments when we feel a flash of feelings or emotions, but then they are gone before we can focus in on them. It’s in these brief moments of awareness that we need to stop the Mind from being distracted and identify the feelings and emotions that are trying to surface.

There is no trick or magic way for anyone to open another person’s closed Mind. The saying, “You can lead a hose to water, but you can’t make it drink,” is also true when dealing with a closed Mind. The key is in the Mind itself in that the Mind has to be aware and open enough to realize that what it believes to be the truth is not the whole truth, but is at best, a mere fraction of the truth, and until the Mind is willing to question and change its point-of-view, nothing can or will change. Old imprints, programs and beliefs are so imbedded in our conscious and sub-conscious Mind that they are quick to over-ride any attempt to change them. A closed Mind will give you a million excuses and reasons for not changing its point-of-view. You can’t open or change another’s closed Mind, you only have the ability to change and open yours, and Heart is involved in this process.

Besides blaming and denying your Will, your Mind has also blamed, hated, used, abused and denied your Body. You rarely listen to your Body until it is too exhausted, hurt, or ill to continue and then, only long enough for it to recover so that you can continue or finish what you were doing which is more important than your Body. You have no love for your Body as you even force it to become stronger so that you can do more. When the Mind is confused or it doesn’t like what it is feeling, it tries to shut that input down, or off, as best it can. The Mind is terrified that if it lets the Will or Body speak, that they will rage and tear him to shreds for what the Mind has done to them. Your Body is holding denied rage as well as terror and heartbreak, not only from your Body, but also from your Will. Will’s feelings and emotions that wanted to move the way they wanted to, but couldn’t, as they were being forced to do what the Mind wanted them to do and had nowhere to go, and so too they are stored in the Body. Remember that everything, including your thoughts, feelings and Body are energy, just in different forms and vibration, and your Body happens to be the vehicle with which we experience physical reality.

Your Mind has to let go of being in control and release the imprints, programs and beliefs that are running it that say that responding to Will’s or Body’s feelings are going to mean that it will no longer be in control or in a position of power. Minds function is not about being in control, like a dictator, but in bringing understanding to the experiences and that includes accepting input from all parts of our Being and treating the Will, Heart and Body as equals. Body, like the Will, doesn’t want to be in control, but neither does it want to be controlled.

Your Mind not only has the power to shut down your Will, it can also block any feedback that your Body is giving it. It’s like the Mind flips a switch and your Will and Body go numb or silent, and when they regain awareness they are confused and disoriented. They then have to back track to find out where they were and what they were doing or feeling, and then when they begin to re-group, the Mind feels them on the move and again throws the switch and the cycle repeats. If healing is your intent, then with awareness of each cycle there is some progress being made, as you will feel that your Will, Body and Heart consciousness are gaining ground in getting through to the Mind, one step at a time.

How can the truth be found, if it is always denied? And if the truth is denied, is love not also denied? – Shenreed

Taking Responsibility – Wrong Decision

When an issue comes up that has choices and requires a decision, it’s often difficult to respond as you are already being activated by your imprints, programs and beliefs. Having to make a decision also brings up the issue of having to be perfect and of not making the wrong decision as you feel you will be blamed by others, or you will blame yourself for not being right or perfect. To avoid making a decision, one tries to get others to make it for them by asking for and getting advice. If it works to their favor, then it was a good decision, but if it turns out to be the other, then it was a bad decision and bad advice, and even though they blame themselves as making the wrong decision, they also have someone else to blame. The problem with getting so-called good advice is that it now makes the person dependant on the advice giver, and in so doing, they have given their power away. Being in denial of your issues and not taking responsibility for your choices is a no win situation.

It really doesn't matter what decision you make as any decision will involve different issues and fears like, making a mistake, being wrong, being embarrassed, shamed, rejected, attacked, etc. Choosing one will undoubtedly bring up your denied issues and as soon as you feel you are being judged and become activated, you will think that you made the wrong decision and will blame yourself for not having chosen the other. Had you chosen the other, then that choice would have brought up different issues and you would then blame yourself for not having chosen the other. What you need to realize is that any choice offers the opportunity for healing to take place if the Mind is open to see it that way. Being in denial is a no win situation. To heal and empower yourself you need to face your issues as that is the only way that you are ever going to win. Facing your issues and ending your denials is something that you have never done and that is also what is stopping you from getting out of your comfort zone of denial and self-hatred.

When the Mind is activated, it is pressured and confused by all the different denied issues and feelings that are being brought up, and instead of dealing with the cause of the suppressed issues, it tries to find a quick fix solution to the present situation. The Mind is caught between a rock and a hard place with no real escape that is permanent as long as denial is present. If healing is your intent, then decide what you want to heal first and go with that decision. Any decision is right if healing is your intent and any decision is wrong if denial is your intent. Facing your issues and ending your denials is the only way that you are ever going to win and each experience will be a learning experience and a stepping-stone.

A closed Mind defends its beliefs and judgments, while an open Mind challenges them. - Shenreed

Hindsights and Wanting a Quick Fix

Beside the quick fix drug pushing prescriptions issued by medical doctors, there are also a host of New Age holistic and naturopathic modalities that, much like the current medical community, offer temporary quick fix remedies. While each has merit, they all fall short as they only address the symptoms and not the cause. Some of these are Reiki, reflexology, acupressure, acupuncture, massage, therapeutic touch, aromatherapy, to name just a few. Others seek help through the use of natural health foods and herbal medicine, and still others believe that astrology, tarot cards, psychic readings, etc, will heal their issues. I have explored many of these New Age modalities in the early part of my journey and while all have benefits, they all fall short as they fail to work with the underlying causes of the mental, emotional and physical issues. Because the healing is only temporary, patients either keep paying for the same service, or they move on to find another quick fix modality in an attempt to find one that works.

I’ve had numerous e-mails, web chats, telephone conversations and one-on-one sessions with people that have tried various healing modalities that never helped them. In talking with them, some say they have tried doing the emotional work, but found that they were only going around in circles. While most had hindsights and realizations into what their issues and denials are, and also the awareness of how to heal them by ending their denials, healing still eludes them. Having hindsights and realizations are not the healing experience as they are only mental concepts and have no merit until they are put into action. They have bent intent and are either unable, or rather unwilling to take the plunge to heal their issues even though they will adamantly claim that this time they are ready to do the emotional work needed to heal and empower themselves.

Getting the Mind to awaken to try new thoughts and ideas is much like a rock skipping across a quiet body of water. It ripples the surface of consciousness and then moves on to the next bounce or experience and does the same thing. Although the rock is touching the waters of consciousness, it’s not submerging itself in the waters to feel the emotions and gain true understanding of what water really is. It makes ripples in the consciousness of the Mind, but it doesn’t sink in. What they fail to realize is that they have yet to consciously apply their knowledge the next time they’re activated in a real life situation, where ending their denials and experiencing unconditional self love will all come together and be experienced in the now, or present moment. It’s only when denials are ended in the present or now moment, that it will be felt, absorbed and understood, and the issue healed.

While they may think and say otherwise, they are still looking for a quick fix in that they think that by talking to someone and getting a hindsight or realization, that that is enough to heal and empower them. That’s where the skipping rock on water comes in, as although they get the realization, it doesn’t sink in because they’re hoping that the realization or hindsight is enough to fix the problems and issues they have, little knowing that the hindsight is just that, a hindsight, that there is a problem and what to do to heal it. What they don’t understand, is that they still need to do the work to resolve and heal their issues and that takes time, effort and Heart, as it needs to be healed, layer by layer, and by being consciously present in the moment they are activated. They feel fine until the next time they are activated when the same issue re-surfaces, and then wonder why all these hindsight’s and realizations are not working at healing their issues.

The Value of Hindsight

Having the awareness of how you have denied expressing yourself and how you reacted to the situation based on your old imprints, programs and beliefs is not healing or even an insight, but is in fact, hindsight. While this hindsight is in itself not a mental, emotional or physical healing, the mental understandings derived from the experience can be used toward one, if, and only if, you put what you have learned in hindsight into practice the next time you are activated into a similar experience or situation. But, there is always the proverbial but, while this seems so simple and easy to do, I assure you it is one of the most difficult. For the Mind to do what it has never done, and that goes against everything that it believes is true, is no easy task. The Mind needs to be clear and not in the fog of its old imprints, programs, beliefs and false emotions or it will miss the split second opportunity it has to free itself from the unseen role of denial. If it denies that moment it will again be trapped, reacting to the situation as it did in the past, and then too late realizing, again in hindsight, that it was yet another missed opportunity to heal an unresolved issue, and so the not so merry-go-round continues.

When the Mind gets a hindsight, its first reaction is to be happy and elated as it thinks that it has solved the problem and healed the issue. However, when the same situation happens again and again, and the Mind gets the same hindsight, again and again, the Mind is filled with blame, anger, self-hatred, guilt, shame and a sense of hopelessness as it feels that its attempts at ending denial and healing are futile. Hindsight is a good thing in that you can use it as a form of foresight, to see and feel when you are being activated again, that it is actually a repeat of a past issue in a different form. The Mind would be quite happy to attempt to heal if it knew who, what, where, when why and how it was going to be activated, as then it would have all the answers beforehand. Unfortunately healing doesn’t work that way as the Mind needs to be triggered by a similar experience to see if it truly understands the unseen role of denial and imprints, and that the present experience is not the original experience being replayed, but is instead, a new experience and an opportunity for healing the unresolved issues.

The conscious Mind has the ability to differentiate whether what it is presently experiencing is the original experience that created the issue it has, or if it’s an experience that is similar to the original. Unfortunately, the Mind has only a fraction of a second to become aware of its judgments and make a decision based on its observations and feelings of the situation before its imprints, programs and beliefs override it. When they do, the Mind gaps and finds that it has no choice but to react by going into the fight, run or give up mode. Armed with the knowledge of hindsight, the Mind now needs to be aware of the present moment and have the foresight to see and feel if what is happening relates to the previous hindsight’s. When it becomes aware of the hindsight and applies that knowledge to the present situation, in the present moment, it has the foresight to reverse itself from what its old imprints, programs and beliefs say it should do. It is in this moment, and only in this moment, that you then have a healing breakthrough and an insight.

Healing is not a quick fix, as you will need to experience countless activations along with hindsight’s before you finally get it. This process is reflective as to how large the emotional charge is, the larger the issue, the longer it takes to have a breakthrough. This repetitive process is necessary so that the Mind can not only have the awareness of what is happening in the moment it is being activated, but to also have the foresight to choose to end its denials and allow itself to respond to the situation instead of reacting to it as it has been doing. This breakthrough will create a totally different experience and break the cycle. Hindsight needs to be used as a stepping-stone toward healing and not thought of as the healing experience.

- Hindsight is when you realize what happened after the fact.

- Foresight is when you apply hindsight to the present similar experience and gain insight.

- Insight is the moment when you realize that you are experiencing and feeling something totally different and unique, that then gives you understanding, knowing and wisdom.

Your best teachers are the mistakes you make. – Shenreed

Healing the Mind

While the primary focus in Right Use of Will (RUOW) series of books appears to be on healing the Will (feelings and emotions) it is impossible to heal the Will if the Spirit (Mind) doesn't find and choose to have the Heart presence to move off of its denial based point-of-view. To be able to find that Spirit/Heart presence, Mind first needs to differentiate and define itself, to know what is Mind and what is not Mind. In other words, it needs to know itself.

The I, or I Am, presence of your Mind is the same part of you that you recognize during a denial based meditation or in a drug induced altered state of consciousness, as the part of you that separates itself from the rest of you and your physical body and experiences the feelings of bliss, reverie and oneness. If healing is your intent, it's this part of you, your Spirit (Mind) consciousness that needs to turn itself around and not only look at, but accept the other aspects of its Being that it has been denying, and it needs to do this willingly by its own choice. Once the Mind has found loving intent, it's first task is to confront all the other inner voices that are usurping its position of power. It’s these inner voices that are seeking to control the Mind, as once they control the Mind, they also have control over the Will and Body. This is part of the inner struggle that the Mind has that prevents us from being who and what we are, and it’s this inner battle that’s reflected and experienced in our outer reality.

By focusing its attention inwardly, Spirit begins to not only have awareness of what is itself, its Mind, the I am presence and Ego, but also what is not. As the Mind begins to separate the unloving voices of guilt, shame, denied rage and especially the voice of the Inner Critic from himself, he begins to regain some dominion over his thoughts and ideas. Once the Mind has begun to separate itself from these unloving voices, he also begins to become more attuned to his Will, Body and Heart. As that relationship expands, he then begins to not only have awareness of the imprints, programs and beliefs that he has, but also those that his Will, Heart and Body have.

It’s then that the Mind can begin the true healing process of going back into the Heart, Will, Body, to feel what has been denied and never felt by the Mind. The Mind can then help the Will move and vibrate, and allow her to express herself to enable her to gain understanding of the experiences where she was originally denied. It’s then that the Mind and Will can begin to work as co-equal partners, thoughts and feelings working in harmony to now move to help the Body heal itself.

Ego and Altered Ego

Our Ego has gotten a bum rap in that it's our Ego that defines who we are. Our ego is unique; it separates you from me and all the others. The problem is not our Ego but our Altered Ego, altered by our imprints, programs and beliefs and by the many other voices (internal and external) that tell it that it must do this or that to either be accepted or to be in control. Little does the Mind realize that in listening to these other voices, that it’s being altered and controlled. The altered ego is the fake persona or personality that is in a position of power and control as it is not only in control of our Mind, but also the rest of our Being. It also strives to extend its influence and dominate the environment around it, be it people, places or things. The Altered ego is the individual that searches for acceptance and approval outside itself. It strives for success and recognition and defines who they are by their status, achievements, possession, wealth and power. There is also the opposite end where the individual will appear to be a powerless, helpless victim, but it is all an act in that by being considered a victim, they are actually dictating and controlling others around them.

The trouble is that while our Ego is altered, it is also disconnected from our Higher Self Spiritual source. Instead of communicating with our Higher Self, our Ego is being controlled by the unloving voices of the Inner Critic, guilt, shame and denied rage, to name a few. I'm sure that you've had several conversations with your Inner Critic when it is telling you what you should or shouldn't do. Once you begin to end your denials, the inner voices also begin to be silenced and your Ego then begins to communicate with your Higher Self, and that's when life gets interesting. Your Ego, your true self wants to free itself of the unloving grip of its old imprints, programs and beliefs and also of any unloving energy that has been, and is trying to control it.

A rather simplistic way to look at our Ego is to compare it and ourselves to a tree. While a tree can be one of millions of similar species in a forest, it’s still unique and has its own consciousness. If it were to try to become another tree, to have a different bark, leaves or fruit, or if it wanted to be bigger or change its position, then there would be issues, not only for it, but also for the other trees in the forest that it would affect as it tries to control and change its environment. Another simplistic, but classic example of an altered ego can be found in the tale of “The Ugly Duckling,” by Hans Christian Andersen.

Chapter 9 – Soul/Will - False Will

Will – Intuition – Feelings – Emotions - Knowing

While we, through scientific and medical research, have an idea of how the Body and Mind work, we have very little understandings of how the Will works as it has been so extensively suppressed and denied. By Will, I’m not talking about what the dictionary refers to as, “the part of the Mind with which someone consciously decides things, or has the power to make decisions,” nor is it defined as, “The Mind that has a strong determination to see things done in a certain way.” The Will that I’m talking about is our Soul, or the Divine feminine aspect of our Being that has its own unique form of consciousness that includes such qualities as intuition, feelings, emotions and knowing. Besides the Will’s attributes that I briefly outlined in Chapter 7, (Different Aspects of Consciousness) the least understood and accepted features of the Will are its psychic abilities, or what is commonly referred to as ESP. intuition, empathy, telepathy, clairaudience, clairsentience, precognition, telekinesis, clairvoyance, etc., which are all qualities attributed to the Will. While all of these qualities are unique and important, by far the most important attribute of the Will is its ability to feel and differentiate between what is loving and what is not loving. Not by words or deeds, which is how the Spirit (Mind) defines love, but by how it feels, which is beyond words, or even the need for words. The feeling of Love is Heartfelt in the moment of the experience and unlovingness is felt in a similar manner. This is the Will’s power and it is this aspect that has been the most heavily controlled, denied and subsequently lost. It is this Lost Will that needs to be found and healed, and that can only happen if the Mind is willing to allow its Will unconditional expression in the moment it is felt, and not the pretense of acceptance and the conditional and limited expression that the Will has been forced to accept.

Lost Will occurs whenever we have a traumatic experience and we fragment, where the Mind is confused and in doubt and makes survival type decisions and judgments and denies the Wills expression. How this occurs is another topic, but what is important to realize is that what was denied, became lost and placed outside ourselves, and it is this lost Will that needs to be found and healed in order to empower ourselves and return to wholeness, and become co-equal partners with the Spirit (Mind.) A common misconception that many people have, including RUOW people that I have met on their healing journey, is that they think that expressing their feelings and emotions when they are already activated (triggered into a fight, run or give up mode) is expressing their lost Will’s feelings and emotions, and is healing their lost Will. That is not, repeat not, their real or lost Will that they are expressing. What they fail to realize is that once they are activated, they have already gapped, and so any feelings and emotions that are being expressing are false feelings and emotions (false Will) that is aligned and supported by the gapped Minds beliefs and judgments.

However, being activated is an opportunity to reclaim your lost Will, if instead of gapping and going into your fight, flight or give up mode, you have the mental awareness that you are being activated and you choose to allow yourself to surrender to love. You choose to allow your Mind to go into the gap (with Heart Presence) and allow your lost Will fragment to express its denied feelings and emotions unconditionally. When you do that, the feelings and emotions that are expressed will be entirely different than what you would have expressed had you gapped, which would have been your false emotions and denied rage that would be blaming others if your imprinting was to fight, or you would have said nothing and just run, if that was your imprinting.

Empowering yourself is all about recovering your personal lost Will, and especially in freeing and healing the lost parts of your Will that can differentiate between what is loving and what is not. Without this part of your Will being free and actively involved in your journey and experiences, nothing changes and you are not only doomed to repeat your mistakes and unpleasant experiences, but to continue your downward spiral to oblivion. We, as society, are now passing the mid-point with our denials, and if those of us that desire love and life continue denying our Will as we have been doing, we are putting ourselves on the path to self-destruct. Of course, there are also those that do not choose love and life, and will continue to do as they have been doing as it is their nature, and their choice.

With what I have experienced so far, I feel that I’m just exploring the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, when it comes to understanding the true nature and power of the Will, not to mention what will be possible when the Mind and Will are co-equal partners in creation. While I try not to repeat myself, I’m now deliberately going to share two articles that I shared in my first book. I feel they contain vital information that will not only help you understand the nature of the Soul or Will, but will also help you relate it to the insights, understandings and the three level’s of healing that I share later in this book.

Real, False and Explaining Emotions

(Copied from book 1) There’s massive confusion when it comes to emotional healing, and one of the biggest areas of confusion and ignorance is in what we believe is real emotional expression. Besides denying and suppressing our feelings and emotions, people have also been told, and believe, that if they talk about their feelings and emotions, that they will heal them, and while that's a truth, it's only a part-truth. Some people have been expressing and releasing emotions for years, but they are still being triggered and activated, and still expressing and releasing the same emotions. They keep going in circles and don't know why they can't heal their emotions and issues. This cycling only serves to further imprint their Mind, telling themselves that expressing emotions doesn't work or heal, and so they eventually look for other alternatives, or they just quit and give up.

In the course of my journey, I’ve discovered that the biggest fallacy and also the biggest obstacle to real healing is that we honestly, in our ignorance, believe that we’re feeling and expressing our real emotions when in fact, what we are doing is either explaining or expressing false emotions. And until we can separate the real, from the false and explaining, healing is impossible. There are three basic kinds of emotional expression and while they’re all related, they are not one and the same.

1) False emotions

2) Explaining emotions

3) Real emotions

1) False emotions:

From personal experience, false emotions feel very real in the moment that you’re feeling them, and that’s what’s confusing people and not allowing them to move to express and heal their real emotions. When the Mind is activated into its denied issues that are imprinted and programmed in its subconscious, it also triggers the imprinting that is buried in the Will’s subconscious that reacts and responds with false emotions that are in agreement with the Minds beliefs and judgments that it was imprinted with. Both the Mind and the Will are reacting to their individual subconscious imprinting and programming that blindly sees the situation as being the same as the original traumatic experience. This information is then relayed to the conscious Mind that believes and feels the false emotions, that reinforces its imprinted beliefs that this situation is very real and threatening, while in reality, the situation is not the same as the original and may not even be threatening at all. The conscious Mind is confused, and in its panic, isn’t able to separate the subconscious imprints from reality and can't see the situation for what it really is. In other words, it can't see the tree for the forest. It’s at this point that the person is activated into their fight, flight or give up mode.

An example of false emotions would be when a person sees another person with a knife and they are activated into their fight, run or give up mode. They sincerely believe that the present situation is real and life threatening and the emotions of fear and terror are very real and agree with the judgment that the Mind has made. However, upon further examination, there is no danger, but what happened is that seeing the knife brought up old denied issues related to knives.

2) Explaining emotions:

People are also confused as to what expressing real emotions are, as they believe that if they’re expressing their judgments, opinions, and feelings about a pleasant or unpleasant experience, that they’re automatically expressing their real feelings and emotions. They believe that talking about their emotions and telling others what happened to them is the same as expressing their real emotions. When people are explaining their emotions, it’s more like they’re telling a story and acting out their feelings and emotions. While they may have tears in their eyes as they explain their heartbreak, or stomp their feet and wave their arms when they are expressing panic or anger, all these emotions are after the fact as they are not expressed during the actual experience or during a activation. This story telling and acting out is what I call explaining emotions. A good example of explaining emotions that is considered therapeutic, is when a person goes to see a psychiatrist or psychologist at a scheduled time for their one hour session, and tells them what they feel.

3) Real emotions:

Real emotions are those emotions that are happening and being expressed in the now, in the present moment, and in response to a particular experience that is either pleasant or unpleasant. For example, if a child is being bullied by another child and it expresses what it is really feeling in the moment, that it is being attacked and that it wants the attack to stop, the child is expressing its real feelings and emotions. If the attacker doesn’t stop, the child then expresses its anger and will do whatever it can to protect itself from further abuse. Note the keyword is protect, not attack. In this example, there is no denial present and the situation will have a positive outcome. The child is no longer threatened, nor is it a potential victim of the bully as a clear line has been drawn.

Now if the same child had denied expressing itself, its denials would have been reflected to it and it would have been attacked and overpowered by the bully. Besides taking the physical abuse, it would also had taken in or accepted the unloving mental and emotional energy of the attacker, that would then be added to its own unloving denial energy that was directed at the part of itself that wanted the abuse to stop, but was denied expression and rejected. In addition, taking in the unloving energy of the attacker forms an attachment that will need to be released if healing is to occur. As a result of the shock and trauma and the child’s denials, a fragment was created that was then placed outside the child’s energy field where it would remain until it was healed. Not only that, the child is now imprinted and programmed and has set itself up to be a victim, not only for this bully experience, but for future experiences that will be re-occurring until the issue is healed. To heal this denied lost Will fragment, the child, a now older person that has intent to heal their issues, needs to journey back to that childhood experience and re-live it, and this time, they need to express all the REAL emotions that were originally felt, but were denied expression. A personal example of expressing real emotions can be found in Chapter 22 – Healing level 3 of this book.

Most emotional expression is either explaining or false Will that is aligned and in agreement with the Minds judgments and beliefs. When the Minds beliefs and judgments are expressed, they feel like the truth, and when the false emotions are being expressed, they feel very real to the person that is expressing them. They also feel real to anyone that is listening to them, but only because they are in denial of expressing what they really feel for any number of reasons. It’s just like when a charismatic person is expressing their political or religious judgments and beliefs. The only people that believe and agree with them are the ones that have strong emotional ties to the message being delivered and will enthusiastically and whole heartily echo agreement and support. As first glance, it would appear that all are expressing their real feelings and emotions, but when you dig deeper, you begin to see the falseness that is being expressed. While they appear to be joined in solidarity and commonality, all that they really have in common are their judgments, beliefs, false Will, and of course, denials.

False Will - False Emotions

(Copied from Book 1) There’s a lot more involved in healing than just addressing the Minds confusion and its imprints, programs and beliefs, as you also have to deal with the Will and its false emotions that are also running on imprints, programs and beliefs that are locked in its subconscious. When activated, the Mind reacts according to its imprints, programs and beliefs and becomes even more certain and determined that it is right because of the false feelings and emotions it receives from the Will that are reinforcing and validating what the Mind believes to be truth and reality.

When we have an experience that is similar to the original experience, it triggers the Minds old imprints, programs and beliefs. The false emotions quickly rise up to support the Mind with a, “Yes you’re right” feeling response that puts the Mind on a pedestal where it thinks/feels that he is king and ruler over his domain and that he has the support of his Will that tells him that his beliefs are right, valid and justified. False emotions also bend to the whim of the Mind if it feels that by doing so, it can maneuver into a position so that it can get out of an unpleasant situation.

An example of False Will would be that of a man walking down a garden path. As he nears the gate, out of the corner of his eye he sees something long, yellow and green, moving in the grass. He immediately panics and jumps out of the way and begins to yell, “Snake, snake, snake!” His eyes dart around for something that he can use to defend himself and he sees a rake leaning against the fence. He grabs it, and as he raises it over his head, ready to strike, he realizes that it’s not a snake, but a garden hose used to water the grass and that it had just been turned on and that’s why it moved.

Now in this example, the garden hose was not the problem or the real issue, as it only triggered his unresolved issues of fear and terror of snakes. Because the hose looked similar to a snake, that activated his subconscious that remembered a previous traumatic experience that involved a real snake, and because the emotions relating to that experience were never moved and healed, he became activated by this experience. If that past experience was traumatic enough, or repeated often enough, he would have fragmented and created what I call the “Outer child,” where he would not even remember the snake experience in his conscious Mind, but would simply re-act according to his subconscious imprints, programs and beliefs. The fear and terror were not real emotions, although at the time, they felt real enough to convince the man that there was a danger, and that he had seen a threatening snake. These emotions are what I call false Will or false emotions, and are part of the problem associated with healing the inner and outer child. Even after this experience, nothing was healed that related to the original experience, it was all a re-enactment, and of course, it will happen again and again, until he either heals his original issues, or has gone so far into denial of his fear, that he numbs his Mind to everything and anything that even looks like a snake. Of course, there are also other ways to numb the Mind, these include the use of prescription drugs or any other substances or actions that numbs or distracts the Mind from what it is feeling, but that is another topic.

When we have a traumatic experienced where the Wills expression is denied, both the Mind and the Will are unaware of the imprints and programs they have, and so it’s no wonder you can’t get through to them. The Mind also has fear and has no intent to give up its point-of-view when it suits its needs and beliefs, as it thinks that its decisions and actions are right and true. Even if proven wrong, like in the example of the garden hose/snake, the Mind that is unaware or in denial of the real issues would claim that it could have been a snake and that it was better to be safe than sorry. When a person is said to be running on autopilot, they’re actually running on their imprints and programs. False feelings are aligned with the Minds judgments, and the Minds judgments are aligned with false Will that support these judgments.

Truth is relative to the imprints, programs and beliefs that the Mind has constructed as its version of reality - Shenreed

Another Version of False Emotions

In this version of false emotions, you honestly believe that what you’re feeling and expressing is in response to another person’s feelings and emotions, and that it has nothing to do with you and your unresolved issues. As an example, you may be witnessing a person (in person, on TV, or at the movies) experiencing an emotionally painful situation such as being abandonment or the loss of a loved one. You think and feel that you are empathically picking up on their pains and sorrow, when in reality you are actually touching your suppressed and denied feelings, emotions and unresolved issues of being abandoned, or the loss of a loved one. While this is a form of emotional expression, it is false in that while the person is being activated, they’re not aware of, or addressing the underlying cause of their activation, their denied issues and the experience that created their fragmentation.

In reacting to our imprinting, it’s always easier to look outside of ourselves and our issues, and focus on another's issues and pain, even if it is imagined, rather than look internally to see and feel what it is that we are afraid to touch. When we are activated in this manner, we usually react by either wanting to save or help another, to the extreme case of sacrificing ourselves. On the other end of the denial teeter-totter, we may become judgmental, critical and cynical of another’s situation or experiences and seek to eradicate or control the imagined problem by the use of rules, laws, force and punishment.

There’s a fine line between being an Empath and picking up on another’s feelings and emotions, thinking they are yours, and your actual feelings and emotions. To know the difference you will need to do some emotional healing in order to have the awareness of this differentiation. You also need to be willing to express your Will, because if you don’t, this whole experience will be a mystery and you will not understand what is happening. The key understanding that is needed is that if you are really picking up on other people’s feelings, emotions and physical pain, you will see and feel their experience through their eyes, not yours. In the end, their feelings and emotions that you connected with will become a part of your experience, just as if you had experienced it for yourself, but you will not be carrying it around with you as they are, unless of course, you pick up on their feelings and emotions and deny expressing what you are feeling. This is an empathic gift that one receives when being open and willing to feel and express the emotions and physical sensations that another person experiences without actually having to go through the physical experience yourself. You don’t need to have fibromyalgia to know what it feels like in your Body.

Another thing to consider in all this are our mental judgments, imprints programs and beliefs in regards to when we are observing an event and begin to pick up on the feelings and emotions of those involved. If we think/feel we need to get involved, we need to examine our intent and any judgments we may have before springing into action. This is not to say that we lack compassion and understanding for our fellow man, but we need to be aware of our intent by identifying what we are feeling and thinking. Upon examination of our thoughts and feelings, we may think/feel they have a problem and need help, or we may think/feel that they need to work it out for themselves, or we may simply feel and express what we feel in the moment and let it be, accepting that this is another’s path and their choice. Whatever we uncover is what we need to work on and follow through. If we have a personal and direct involvement with the event, that also needs to be part of the examination process to determine what you are really feeling and why. You may jump in and become involved and then realize that this is not your right place, and withdraw to deal with your issues of wanting to save, protect or be in control.

Body’s Feelings and Sensations

The reason I’m including this topic here is that there is a lot of confusion between the feelings of our Will and those of our Body. Firstly, the medical community has affixed the label of “Mental Health,” when dealing with any emotions issues, stating that emotions are a construct of the Mind and therefore under the control of the Mind. Furthermore, they are also hell bent on controlling undesired or negative emotions by the use of chemicals as they’ve realized that certain emotions trigger certain chemical releases in the Body. They’ve brilliantly deduced that if they use the reverse process by adding the appropriate chemical to the Body, that the so-called negative emotions can be controlled. In their intellectual ignorance, they also misdiagnose a person’s emotional issues as simply being a case of nerves that are also treated and suppressed with drugs. Nerves just so happen to be one way by which the Mind controls the actions of the Body, either automatically or consciously, and for our Body to communicate with our Mind. Nerves have nothing to do with the Will or our emotional body except when responsible for triggering the release of certain chemicals to stimulate, or repress certain Body functions or muscles that are triggered by an emotional response to an experience.

To add to the confusion, we also use the words feel and feelings inter-changeably to describe the Minds desire, the Body’s feelings and sensations as well as the Will’s feelings and emotions. Each is independent, yet they are intrinsically connected, and what happens to one, happens to all. Statements like:

- Mind: I feel like going for a walk.

- Body: I feel too tired to go for a walk, I’m thirsty.

- Will: I feel uncomfortable going for a walk alone tonight.

- Body, Will and Mind: I feel exhausted, my legs and hands are shaking. I’m concerned about going for a walk alone tonight as I feel something will happen. I feel like having a cup of tea and reading for a while before going to bed.

As you can see, some feelings are associated with the Mind, others with Body and still others with the Will, and then, as in this last example, they are expressed collectively. I’ll let you play out the various scenarios if the Mind refused to listen to all parts, and just went ahead and did what it wanted to do. It’s no wonder that we are confused when we try to talk about our feelings and emotions.

Without the feelings and emotions of the Will, all that our Spirit (Mind) would experience would be the feelings and sensations of our Body where the release of chemicals like endorphins and adrenaline create a nervous excitement and high. These feel good sensations take the place of the positive feelings and emotions, while the feelings of being tired, exhausted and in pain would replace the negative ones. There are also other feelings and sensations that we experience through our Bodies sense of sight, sound, touch, taste and smell. Sex and the physical sensations associated with it bring most of the bodies feelings into play, as a sexual climax or orgasm is one of the Body’s most intense feeling and pleasurable sensation. We use our Body to feel good and give us pleasure, to take us out of what the Will based feelings and emotions are wanting to express that don’t feel pleasant, and for which there is no acceptance for.

It’s important to realize that the Mind is not totally in denial of the Will, as it does accept and allows expression of any feelings and emotions that are aligned with its judgments, like the false Will. Feelings and emotions that are deemed positive and good, are acceptable and readily expressed. It’s only when we have to deal with what is termed negative or bad feelings and emotions that the Mind seeks to avoid and deny. The Mind uses the Body to avoid and deny any feelings and emotions that it doesn’t want to feel. It uses the Body to give it things that bring it pleasure, like eating, drinking, drugs, working, exercise, sex, hobbies, sleep, radio, TV, etc. All these activities are forms of denial and avoidance that the Mind uses to escape the real feelings and emotions of the Will that are trying to surface.

The Body not only holds the Minds unloving denial energy and the reversed polarity emotional energy that was denied expression, but it also took in the unloving energy of others when denial of the Will occurred. It is these unloving reversed polarity energies that create disease, aging and death in the Body. When the Mind is closed and in denial to receiving any input from the Will or Body, the Body tries to communicate with the Mind through the use of what we call disease, to get the Mind’s attention, while the Will tries to communicate by attracting like experiences that remind the Mind of what it has been denying. The Body has no real say in what it does or doesn’t do, and as long as the Body is able to function, it is the Mind that is in control of it. As long as the Mind refuses to accept any input from the Heart, Will and Body, it is running on old imprints and programs and controlled by the unloving energy of denial, and all aspects of our Being (Mind, Will, Heart and Body) spiral towards the loss of consciousness and death.

Words give you an outline, but feelings give you understanding and knowing – Shenreed

Feeling and Non-feeling People

As difficult as it is for a Will polarity person that “feels” love and unlovingness to imagine what life would be like without those feelings, it is just as difficult for a Spirit polarity person to imagine having those feelings. This issue is at the crux of the problem between the Will and Spirit polarity as they belong in different realities but are presently co-existing in this one. While the Spirit polarity portray themselves as being positive and loving, they are, by their controlling and manipulative nature, negative and unloving, whereas the Will polarity, when being open and speaking the truth are positive and loving, but are deemed to be negative and unloving. To confuse matters even more, the words feel and feelings have many meanings associated with love, with the two most common misunderstandings being the following. When a Will polarity person that is not in denial, uses the word feel to describe love, it means that they are able to “feel” the presence of unlovingness and love without the need for words or deeds. When a Spirit polarity person uses the word “feel” to describe love, it is according to whether or not what they experience mentally and physically, makes them feel good and happy. They believe that the happiness, joy and pleasure they derive from mentally being in control and in a position of power, along with the excitement of an adrenaline rush in the physical body and the sensations of pleasure experienced during sexual orgasm are real Will feelings, emotions and love. While love can be expressed by having sex, having sex is not necessarily expressing love and definitely not making love, as a popular social expression would have us believe.

The reason that life is good for the Spirit polarity people is because omission, avoidance, lies and denials are their natural state of being. When confronted about their intent, they deny, discredit and attack anything that threatens their position of power. For them, it's all about having a positive attitude, mind over matter, don’t worry be happy, and going for what you want at any cost, as the end justifies the means. The more successful they are, the more power and control they have and the happier they are. These people appear to have it made and that life for them is good. They fervently advocate that having a positive mental attitude is not only self-love, but also an expression of love for others. They adamantly present this dogma as the social model and standard for those of us of the Will polarity to follow, so that we can be happy like them.

As stated, the Spirit polarity people cannot “feel” what is loving or unloving and so they have to act out any loving feelings and emotions which gives credence to the expression, “fake it til you make it.” They have no concept of the energy and vibrational “feeling” of love, as to them, love is a mental concept defined by words and actions and does not equate to something that you “feel” without any tangible explanation or evidence for having that feeling. While being nice, kind, caring, sharing, co-operative, compassionate, etc., are all aspects of love, they can also be expressed with unloving intent. They may say the right words and go through the related body actions, but their feelings and emotions are not real or genuine. As an example, they may express excitement and joy at seeing a long lost loved one, but there are no tears of joy, and any physical contact not only feels forced and staged, but is also short lived. Then again, they may be able to turn on what is referred to as alligator tears that flow but dry up as quickly as they were formed. The Body shares in any emotional expression, but it can’t share what isn’t there, and while the Body can be forced to act the part, it has a different “feel” to it to those that can feel.

This emotional act put on by the Spirit Polarity is also the reason why the Will polarity people can't feel or pick up the feelings and emotions that are associated with Heart and love as they are merely putting on a performance and acting them out, they are not real or genuine. While the Will polarity people can't feel any love in these phony acts of love, they can certainly feel all the negative heartlessness that is being expressed while pretending they are expressing love. The Spirit polarity are masters at creating the illusion of being loving and positive, while making their intended victim appear to be unloving and negative. They would have the Will polarity person believe that their feelings and emotions are wrong and that they are weak because of them. The Mind can easily be fooled and controlled by acts of kindness that it mistakenly takes as being love, but the Will can never be fooled. If the Will polarity person denies expressing their Will, they will be duped into accepting the lies as their truth, which sets them up to be eternal victims. In order for Spirit polarity people to remain in a position of power, they need to control the Minds of the Will polarity and get them to deny and control their Will, which is able to feel and identify their true intent. Once they have control of the Mind through the use of imprints, programs and beliefs, they can easily control the rest of our Being.

Religions are prime examples of this Spirit polarity mental concept of love that dictates how people should act if they are to be considered loving. Christians consider themselves to be kind, caring and loving when they try to convert another to their religion. This form of conditional love is all about judgments, control and manipulation, that when imposed upon and felt by a Will polarity person will feel suffocating and unloving. Just because a person believes and thinks that they are being kind, caring and loving to another doesn’t mean that they are. While religions are examples of Spirit polarities mental judgments and definitions of love, a large number of devote religious followers are of the Will polarity that are lost in denial. They look toward their religion as their comforter, their salvation, if not in this lifetime, then in the afterlife. This blind faith and servitude sets them up to be hapless victims and easy prey for the Spirit Polarity people that control the religions and extract time, energy and money from the sheeple.

These unloving people are the energy vampires that mentally, emotionally and physically feed off others. The most prevalent are those in a social position of power like religion, government, military, finance, medical, education, media, business, etc. Still others are more personal and include parents, siblings, relatives, friends, coworkers, etc. While some may be ignorant as to what they are doing, others know very well as that is their intent, although when confronted, they will deny it, but that again is their nature. Anyone that controls or manipulates others to get what they want is an energy vampire, and anyone that allows them to do that is empowering them. These unloving people feed off the energy of Will polarity that are constantly being told that their feelings and emotions are wrong and that they should be happy like them by being positive instead of dwelling on negative feelings and emotions. Ignorantly, the Will polarity people believe this rhetoric and deny expressing their true feelings and emotions and in doing so, they help feed and nourish them, while slowly killing themselves. It’s the Will polarity people that are in reality, keeping the others or the “other kin” alive. All that these others want is to control and manipulate the Will polarity people so that they will deny and sacrifice themselves to the point that they no longer exist, oblivious to the fact that if the Will polarity doesn’t exist, neither do they. As you can see, denial is at the root of maintaining this energy food chain.

Now aside from the Spirit polarity people that are feeding off the Will polarity people, we also have Will polarity people that are in denial, by their choice or ignorance, who are also feeding off other Will polarity people. The most emotionally, mentally and physically distraught people in society are the ones that have denied the most of their essence so that now, there's only a shell left. A feeling and emotional Will polarity a person that is in denial is basically committing suicide by way of a slow and suffering journey to death, that they ignorantly call life. While the Spirit polarity people appear to be at the top of the social order, that is not entirely the truth, as these vampires are not just clustered at the upper end of society, but are scattered throughout as each of them have their own unique way of feeding off a Will polarity person. These energy vampires can also be disguised as the poor, feeding not only off the meek, but also off of those that feel they need to help and uplift their fellow man through personal sacrifice. To confuse matters even more, there are also Will polarity people in denial that are scattered throughout society including those who are trying to climb the social ladder to be at the top of the food chain. Another twist is that Spirit polarity people also feed off other Spirit polarity people that get in their way, or that they can use to further their agenda. Those with money appear to have the power to do what they want, with the power taken from those with little or no money at the bottom of the food chain.

As mentioned, it is the Will that can differentiate between what is loving and what is not loving by how it feels, not only by what is being said or done, but also by what is not being said or done. Associated with this “feeling” attribute of the Will is another aspect which is the intuitive “knowing” that also has no tangible explanation or evidence for one having that knowing. When a Will polarity person confronts a Spirit polarity person or another Will polarity person in denial on their intent and unlovingness, they will react and defend their words or actions, usually by insinuating that the Will polarity person is wrong, negative and unloving. They will use guile and cunning and such techniques as interrogation, intimidation, being aloof and playing the oh for me, along with the use of guilt and shame to get the Will polarity person to deny their true feelings and accept their denials as truth. If they deny for whatever reason, they then become food for these energy vampires, as by their denials they have now created an attachment and an energy transfer that knows no limits, and can only be broken by releasing the attachment and ending one’s denials that created the attachment in the first place. This is why Spirit polarity people are in a position of power and why they want to keep the Will polarity people as their subjects, their source of energy food that keeps them alive.

As a Will polarity person, all my life I have been told to grow a thicker skin, to not be so sensitive and to control expressing my feelings and emotions that were deemed to be wrong and negative. In order to fit in and be accepted, I needed to make others happy and to do that I needed to deny expressing my Will (intuition, feelings and emotions) and not say anything deemed to be negative or going against their desires and beliefs. Whenever I felt the various forms of heartlessness attacking me, I forced myself to accept it and pretend that everything was fine. Buying into their story and believing that I was now being a nice, kind, positive and loving guy, I unknowingly set myself up to be the perpetual victim. At the time, I didn’t realize that what I was deliberately or ignorantly being told and naively believing were flaws in my character and personality that I had to deny and control, were in actuality, my strength and power, and this is what needs to be healed now.

On the surface, it’s impossible to differentiate between the two polarity groups as people from both groups have similar customs, beliefs, aspirations, likes and dislikes etc. The main reason that one can’t discern one group from another is that the Will polarity are in denial and haven’t healed their issues. What they have in common that makes them look and feel like the Spirit polarity is their denials, and as the Spirit polarity are masters at creating the illusion of being loving and positive, the only way to tell one from another is to be real and challenge any unlovingness you feel. In healing and empowering yourself, it doesn’t matter who you are dealing with or what the other person says or does, all that matters is that you end your denials. Once you end your denials and express your Will (intuition, feelings and emotions) you stop the feeding process of either a Spirit polarity person or a Will polarity person that chooses to be in denial. It’s as simple as that, but doing that when you are activated and triggered is going to be the most difficult thing you have ever done, as it goes against all your imprints, programs and beliefs that you have been brainwashed to accept as being natural and the truth.

Chapter 10 – Heart and Love

There are as many definitions of Love as there are people trying to define it. Defining love is like trying to define God. The reason that the love we know has so many definitions is that it is conditional. Unconditional love is also indescribable, but it is something that very few people have ever experienced and come to know and understand. Love connects everything and has infinite forms and states of being. It’s the breath of life. It’s what animates essence with life, with consciousness of itself and of all other essence. Love is the energy that flows between all aspects of creation and is the glue that holds the fabric of creation together.

While we may not think so, love is also polarized with it being conditional and unconditional. Conditional love moves from the cold and heartless feelings of hatred, loathing and indifference, up through lessening degrees of unloving judgments, attachments, denials and conditions, all the way up to where it is almost unconditional. Unconditional love is just that, no conditions, denials, judgments or attachments. Unconditional love has only one state of being as any condition, denial or judgment would make it conditional. Love has infinite forms and moves from being in a negative, controlling and domineering state, to one of being positive, open and free. So it stands to reason that Love is also connected to life and death, with essence that desires freedom and life, to essence that desires control and death, including everything in between these two states. Everything is energy and is connected with love, which is life. While polarity provides infinite possibilities with which to experience manifestation, it is only when essence of different polarities, like Spirit and Will polarity are intertwined that duality is experienced, which brings us to the nature of good and evil.

Hate is older than love as it was Spirits ignorance and denial of the Will in Original Cause that attacked her, which created the blueprint for creation and the duality that we have experienced ever since. Had there been the awareness of what denial was and its consequences, a different blueprint would have been created and subsequently, a different reality, the one that we have been seeking and are just now beginning to create by ending our denials of our Will, instead of pushing her away and rejecting her. As above, so below. This is why we are here and is what our present journey is all about, in healing what was done and in creating a new blueprint for creation with unconditional love. The shift that is coming is basically two fold, firstly, to heal and recover our lost Essence, and secondly it’s about moving everyone and everything to their right place so that each essence will like what it experiences. When everyone and everything is in their right place, there will no longer be the mixing together of the loving and unloving essences, as that is what, in part, has perpetuated the duality and conflict in creation. After the shift, those that desire to experience life in a state of unconditional love will be able to do so, while those that want to overpower and control others will be with those that desire to feel powerless and be controlled. On the grand scale of things, there is acceptance and space for all essence in creation to experience what they desire.

Love is connected to both Spirit (light) and Soul (darkness.) The light and darkness I’m referring to is not the light or darkness that we see with our physical eyes, but is the light (life) and the darkness (void or space) on a Spiritual level. When our Soul (Darkness) moves to open and receive Spirit (Light) and allows it to fill the void or space, the resulting connection between Spirit and Soul allows Love to flow into the opened space, to manifest and animate physical life with the added dimension of time with which to experience it. Conditional love is formed when Spirit has denial mixed in with its light, and when the Will opens space to receive Spirit, it receives a combination of loving and unloving light (denial) that is then manifested. How much denial is present when this connection is made will determine the nature and form of the conditional love that is manifested in physical form. This has been how our present creation has been formed and is why ending denials is important if unconditional love is to be experienced. Where there is denial present there is only limited Heart (conditional love) presence, and Heart or love is what bonds or connects Spirit and Soul.

To enable you to understand why I say, “Healing begins in the Heart,” I’d like to give you a visual symbolic example of our Divine Being with the use of a Yin Yang image. In this example, the white area represents our Spirit (Mind – thoughts, ideas, logic etc.) and the black area our Soul. (Will - intuition, feelings and emotions.) While they are separate and different, (black and white) (Mind and Will) they are also connected by a fine line running between them. This fine line represents Heart, (love) and is the glue that holds them and creation together. At present, we only have partial contact and conditional love between our Spirit (Mind) and our Soul (Will.) In some places of our Essence, we have had horrific damage that has created huge gaps and holes to Spirit, Will and Heart that needs to be healed. Where there are gaps, there is little or no Heart (love) presence, and without love, the result is separation and conflict between Mind and Will. Where there are gaps, there are also imprints and programs that prevent any meaningful dialogue between Mind and Will. Finally, the outer circle of the yin yang symbol represents our physical Body or form, and collectively, the four parts experience physical reality.

Healing has, and is taking place on a Divine Spiritual level, but we also need to heal our gaps here in the physical plane, where we are manifested in our physical Body. We, as Spiritual Beings having a physical experience were not born yesterday. We have been in existence for eons and have had many past lives where we have lost essence and it is this essence that needs to be healed and recovered if we are to become whole and experience the life we desire with unconditional love. When all parts of our Spirit are connected to all parts of our Soul with Heart presence, then we will have created a new blueprint for creation that will enable us to experience Heaven on Earth with unconditional love.

Love is not the water in the river, Love is the water flowing that creates the river, the river of life. - Shenreed

Heart, Love and Original Cause

Heart is an aspect of our Divine Being, and as I mentioned in Chapter 7, Heart has its own consciousness that you will need to become aware of, as it has a key role to perform if healing is your intent. Heart (love) is the glue that holds creation together, it is the Essence that forms the bond, the connection between Spirit (Mind/father) and the Soul (Will/mother). Both Spirit and Soul have their own aspects of Heart that form this connection.

Unconditional love is what we desire, yet our imprints, programs and beliefs deny us the experience, and instead we experience duality and love that has conditions and rules. I’m not going to go into this in any great detail, suffice to say that Spirit and Soul are two sides of the same coin and it was Spirits unconscious denial of its Soul that created a split in consciousness resulting in conditional love and duality. Hate is older than love and has been the blueprint for the creation that we have been experiencing. Hate is the absence of love, it is heartlessness, cold indifference, and filled with denial. What I’m going to share now is something that you are going to have to feel your way through as best you can.

At the dawn of creation, or what scientists refer to as the “Big Bang,” was when our Divine Being was in the primal stages of evolution, the first stirrings of consciousness, of self-awareness, much like when a sperm is about to fertilize an egg that will evolve into a Human Being. It was the stirrings or the magnetic movement of the Goddess or feminine aspect of the Divine Being, the Soul, (Will) in response to the electrical charge of Spirits (Mind) or Gods awakening that became the ignition point, and disturbed Spirit out of his blissful state of reverie. At the time, Spirit, or the male aspect or God was only just becoming aware of itself and was unaware of this feminine aspect of its Divine Being. While Spirits intent was of simply wanting this bothersome “thing” to stop annoying him, that intent unknowingly created a split in consciousness. It was the unconscious intent of Spirit, in denial of its yet unknown Soul, that created the first split or fragmentation in its consciousness.

The first split resulted in the creation of the Psychopathic Killer that was drawn to the magnetic movement of the yet unknown Soul, in an attempt to stop her from moving. The Soul, sensing Spirits movement directed toward her, opened herself to receive what she thought was Spirit and love, but instead, she was struck with hatred. But before the Psychopathic Killer could actually strike the Soul or Will, it had to pass through Heart (another unknown aspect of the Divine Being) that was the bond and connection between Spirit and Soul. Attacking with an electrical charge similar to multiple lightening strikes, it not only struck, burned and killed parts of Heart, but also imprinted and programmed it. After penetrating Heart, it struck the Soul, damaging her and imprinting and programming her that Spirit attacked her, along with a host of other imprints and programs. She instinctively repelled the attack and sent it back towards its source, but in doing so, she unknowingly caused more damage to Heart. The Psychopathic Killer then struck and rolled over Spirit that deflected it out into space, but not before Spirit was damaged, imprinted and programmed that it was the Soul that had attacked it. All this happened in a fraction of a second and without any of our Divine aspects having the conscious awareness to really understand who, how, why and what just happened.

The next time Spirit (Mind) was disturbed, it created another split in consciousness. Since it knew it couldn’t get rid of it, it now wanted to control the “thing.” This split created the fragment known in the Christian religion as Lucifer, but he has different names in other religions. On the way to the Soul, Lucifer struck Heart with his electrical charge, damaging and imprinting and programming it, before striking the Soul (Will) and damaging, imprinting and programming her. He was also repelled back to source and in the process did further damage to Heart, before striking and rolling over Spirit that also deflected him and sent him out into space, but not before Spirit was also damaged, imprinted and programmed that it was the Will that had again attacked it. Ever since that time, these two fragments have been unconsciously driven to finish what they started. While Spirit and Soul were struck two times, Heart was struck four times.

All this happened at an unconscious and semiconscious level, much like when you are asleep and feel that something unknown is bothering your body and you automatically reach your hand out to scratch, rub or slap whatever is annoying you to make it stop. There was no conscious unloving intent, just a unconscious reaction to a stimuli that was unwanted and of unknown origin at a time when you were wanting to experience something that was more desirable.

Instead of Heart presence between Spirit and Soul, there is now the gap with the charred remains of Heart that was never manifested. Where these two fragments struck and damaged Heart before striking the Soul and Spirit, there are the charred remains of Heart and even gaps with no Heart presence. It’s in these gaps that there is no connection between Spirit and Soul, just unloving imprints and programs of distrust and hatred for each other. Both Spirit and Soul polarity aspects of Heart were damaged, and it is these charred and damaged parts of Heart that need to be born, or re-born, as they never, in all eternity have had a chance to awaken and experience life. The parts of Spirit and Will Heart that survived this ordeal were imprinted and programmed with conditional love, which has been the blueprint for the creation that we have experienced thus far.

Spirit (Mind) defines love by words and deeds and if what it experiences gives it pleasure, while the Soul (Will) identifies love by how it feels, without the need for words or deeds. It has been Spirit Heart that has been aligned with Spirit’s judgments and beliefs that has been instrumental in helping keep the Will and Will polarity Heart from expressing themselves. As long as Spirit Heart has no acceptance or compassion to heal the connection between Spirit and Soul, nothing changes and the downward cycle of destroying the Will continues to move our entire Being toward death and extinction. What we have been experiencing has been Heart (love) with conditions and duality that was imprinted into our Divine Essence in the original blueprint for creation, long before there was any conscious thought or feeling as to what was being created by the unseen role of denial.

Spirit Heart knows that if this cycle of denying the Will continues, that there is no hope that anything in creation will survive. It knows that it can no longer side with Spirit and deny the Soul and Will Heart, and that it needs to find the courage to challenge its and Spirits imprints and programs. It knows that Spirit needs to accept the Will and not deny and control it as has been the case. Spirit has to awaken to what really happened that created our present experiences, and it needs to move to accept the Soul as an equal partner in order to create a new blueprint for a creation that has yet to be experienced, one of unconditional love and Heart presence.

For that to happen, the charred remains of Heart that was struck by the Psychopathic Killer and Lucifer needs to be born, and to do that, the reverse has to happen, as in the plane of reversal. Spirit Heart, together with Will Heart, need to tell Spirit (Mind) when it is activated and about to gap, that it has wrong information, that it isn’t the same experience that its imprints, programs and beliefs say it is, and they also need to tell the Soul that Spirit isn’t going to attack her if she opens to receive him like he did in the original experience. Spirit needs to allow the Soul to express herself in any way that she needs to move in order to give birth to the aspects of Heart that have been in the gap ever since the dawn of creation. When Heart (unconditional love) is reborn on the plane of reversal, it also heals the Soul and Spirit, as now there is no longer a gap between them for whatever issue and imprint and program that was activated and now healed.

There is more, a lot more to this, but this simplified version of creation is what set the stage for the original blueprint, with its imprints and programs that we now experience, one of conditional love and duality. Everything that has been created following these two events are linked to this blueprint. The saying, “As above, so below,” perfectly describes what we’re experiencing. We have unknowingly been running on the same old imprints and programs, that of blaming our Will, our intuition, feelings and emotions as being the problem and controlling and denying her expression, and also in being unable to connect as a co-equal partner in our experiences.

Depending on what you’ve experienced on your journey thus far, you will have run into some unloving entities and maybe even Lucifer himself, so you know that unlovingness and duality are not just mental concepts. What I shared here will either resonate to the core of your Being, or you will be skeptical as it goes against your religious beliefs, and that is okay as long as you don’t shut down, and remain open to explore this deeper. If you are skeptical, but curious, I suggest you acknowledge and set aside your judgments for now and carry on with your journey in this chapter with as open a Mind and Heart as you can, and explore your personal relationship with your lost Will to see if you can let go of your old religious judgments and beliefs.

Now that we have awareness of who, what, where, when, why and how this blueprint was created, we know that we can’t change what happened, but we can create a new blueprint for a new creation yet to be experienced, one of unconditional love. Since we are a Spiritual Being having a physical experience, we do it by ending our denials and healing our personal Will and our Spirit that are connected to the Divine Will and Spirit., as there is no separation. If you want to know more, I suggest you read the RUOW books.

Confusion About Love

I find it interesting and also amazing how so many people adamantly claim that they love unconditionally, yet in the same breath they express their judgments, rules, conditions, boundaries, etc. They’re unaware of their ignorance as they talk without thinking, and don’t seem to have the mental ability to see that they are contradicting themselves and that unconditional love means love without any conditions. The other possibility is that they are feigning ignorance and are very well aware of what they are saying and are intentionally making misleading statements to confuse and bewilder those that are willing to listen, but afraid to challenge them, like a church congregation that sits quietly, believing what they are told by their preacher. People base their concept of love on their programs and beliefs of their religion, social customs and traditions, political and education systems, as well as their life style. If you strip these away, you’re left with an open Mind that will then allow you to feel what love is and isn’t, and also what unconditional love really is. Love is not something that grows with time, or something that you learn; Love simply is. It’s a feeling that is, or isn’t there. What grows is our misguided and mistaken beliefs of what love is when we blindly accept denial, guilt, shame, self-hatred and self-sacrifice for others as a replacement for self-love.

To say that one is loving unconditionally, or that one seeks unconditional love is really irrelevant as what is important is whether or not there are any denials, judgments, expectations or limitations present in the statement, thereby making it conditional love, and not unconditional. While unconditional love can only have one state of being and action, that being without any conditions, rules, limits or denials, conditional love can have infinite forms of being and action, depending on the denials, rules and conditions present. An example would be a person stating that their dog or cat is an example of unconditional love and that they love them unconditionally. While the statement refers to unconditional love as both a thing and an action, it’s merely an expression of a person’s mental belief of what they think unconditional love is without actually digging deeper to see if in fact, it is unconditional. In this example, they have mistaken conditional love (in the form of self-sacrifice and control) as a form of unconditional love, totally unaware of the unseen role of denial that is at play in the dog or cats behavior and also in theirs. They are unaware that there are conditions, limitations and rules that apply to this relationship, thereby making it conditional and not unconditional as they would have others believe.

People feel that they love unconditionally when in fact their concept of love is based on self-hatred, self-sacrifice, guilt and shame. People do what they do to try to be accepted and loved, or to not feel guilty or ashamed if they don’t follow their beliefs of what love is. People are so imprinted, programmed, and limited by their beliefs that they find it almost impossible to think and feel outside the box of their judgments and beliefs. They talk about being free and having freedom, but fail to realize that they are locked inside a cage of imprints, programs and beliefs. They blindly focus on giving, serving, helping and loving others and call that form of self-sacrifice, unconditional love. They also believe that the more they do what they do, the more unconditional loving they are, totally unaware  that they’re contradicting themselves as that statement means that they weren’t as unconditional as they would have liked to be so now they feel the need to make up for their shortcomings. Others claim that they can love unconditionally, especially nature and animals, yet openly admit that they have difficulty when it comes to loving people. They too fail to see their flaw in their thinking.

People blindly focus on the outside presentation of love (words and good deeds) and fail to realize that when they deny expressing their thoughts, feelings, emotions and intuition, that they are placing unloving conditions on themselves internally. They believe that self-sacrifice and denial is unconditional love and that just because something is not expressed, that it either doesn’t exist or matter, depending on whatever twisted imprints, programs and beliefs they are running on.  Kindness is often mistaken for love but most so-called loving acts of kindness have unloving intent. Acts of kindness are also associated with guilt. Next to guilt, respect and kindness are often mistaken as love to those that are love starved, that will grasp at anything that appears to be loving and not attacking or rejecting them. Under the so-called loving act of kindness there is the unseen role of denial and unloving intent that is present in both the giver and receiver. A reason we deny expressing ourselves when we are unhappy is because we don’t want to hurt or lose the ones that mean most to us, so our denials make others happy while we are unhappy. We also deny our excitement, passion and joy if we feel that it will make others feel unhappy, and in so doing, we silently destroy a part of us that desires love and life. As you can see, denial is a no win situation.

Love - Conditional and Unconditional

Love is the most misunderstood and misinterpreted word that has so many meanings that it's impossible to define. People use the word and have no real concept of what it is or how it feels, except that it feels good, unless of course, they have lost what they considered to be love and so love hurts or feels bad. There are countless definitions used to describe love, a few of which are; joy, pleasure, excitement, fondness, liking, trust, gratification, fun, enthusiasm, euphoria, niceness, kindness, congeniality, obedience, loyalty, duty, honor, comfort, security, control, respect, power, and last and probably the biggest misused social definition of love is that of making love and having sexual intercourse resulting in orgasm. The physical experience that brings a sensation of feeling good, or what is called love to one person, may be painful and unpleasant to another. The problem with this reality is that there has been the over-powering of personal free Will in order to get what one wants and desires. All this falls under conditional love and it ranges from no love to almost unconditional love. People believe that they love unconditionally, but if they were to really examine what they call unconditional love, they would see and feel it’s riddled with denials and conditions.

I also feel that some people (Spirit Polarity and Denial Spirits) believe that feeling good, excitement, joy, happiness, pleasure, an adrenalin rush, orgasm, success, money and all the positive sensations are love. It's like they have no concept of the energy or vibration of love, or the feelings and emotions that are associated with the Will. They act out feelings and emotions and in between scenes they are in a state of limbo, nothing, numb, no feeling, they’re just waiting to perform the next act or scene. As an aside comment, when these people are in this limbo or numb place, they feel bored and will have the urge to do something exciting. While I mention Spirit polarity, this also applies to Will polarity people that have feelings and emotions but are in denial of expressing them.

A few years ago, I was working on my issues of feeling love, the actual vibration of it and during a meditation/visualization, I had a vision and experience of what conditional and unconditional love was. In my vision, I saw this calm body of water-like substance in front of me, with a visible line or barrier that divided it into two equal parts, with a left and right side. On the surface, both sides looked almost identical. I was told that it represented conditional and unconditional love and that I was to put my hands in both to feel which was which. I didn’t trust the voice as from my top view, both sides looked nearly identical and I thought it was a trick. I slowly put my left hand in the left side. At first, it felt warm and smooth but as I put my hand in deeper, I felt a change in energy that now had a subtle sticky and uncomfortable feeling to it. As I moved my hand down deeper, I felt the substance get cooler, thicker and more unpleasant as it now felt prickly and shocking. I took my left hand out, and then put my right hand in the other side and immediately felt a gentle softness and warmth. As I put my hand in deeper, it felt the same on the surface as well as on the bottom, and no matter where I went it always felt the same. I then reversed my hands, putting my left hand in the right side and my right hand in the left side but each side remained as I originally felt them, regardless of which hand I used. I realized that what I felt on the left side was conditional love that went from being almost unconditional at the surface, all the way down to no love (hate). The right side was unconditional love and was constant and the same wherever I felt it.

I did a drawing to try to illustrate the scene I experienced. The shaded part on the left represents conditional love with the progressive movement from almost unconditional love (white) at the top, down towards black or no love (hate) at the bottom. The right (white) side of the drawing represents unconditional love. Later I got the message to place the unconditional white area on top of the shaded conditional love. In this way, one can see the change from conditional love to unconditional love as being one love that is polarized, and not as being separate entities. This example was only necessary in my vision in order for me to feel and understand the difference.

There are infinite forms of love, but there is only one form of unconditional love. - Shenreed

Guilt and Shame

Guilt has the ability to either get you to say or do what you don’t desire, or to prevent you from saying or doing what you desire. Guilt is unloving and its only purpose is to control or stop any real desire and emotional movement. Whenever you have guilt upon you, you either do or don’t do something so that you don’t feel guilty. As an example, assume you were asked to donate money to a charity or a worthy cause that you really didn’t want to support or felt you could afford. Feeling pressured, you donate anyway because if you didn’t, you would feel guilty or ashamed and so not to feel guilt or shame, you move past your real feelings by donating money that you really don’t want to, or can’t afford to give away. You do this so-called good deed because guilt would have you believe that you are doing a loving thing, but in reality, you are only doing it so that you don’t feel guilty. Guilt is relentless in that at the other end of this scenario, after you donated the money to the charity or worthy cause, you then feel guilty because you really didn’t want to, or could afford it as you needed the money for yourself, and then you hate yourself for any number of reasons.

Guilt is also at work when you know that if you were to say or do something, that another person would get upset and be unhappy. So in order not to feel guilty, you deny saying or doing what you felt you should say or do, and in this you moved past your real thoughts and feelings and allowed guilt to control you. Guilt is also involved in trying to help or save another, because if you didn’t try to help or save them, guilt would be on you saying that you were unkind or unloving. Therefore, in order to not feel guilty, you again deny your real thoughts and feelings to help another and in so doing, you sacrifice yourself in the name of love. The action you took was not a spontaneous act of love and compassion, but rather a desperate action to try to get rid of guilt.

Guilt also says it’s okay to deny one part of your being in favor of another. That it’s okay to have fun and enjoy yourself, even though another part of you is in pain. As an example, you may feel sick and your body is aching, but going shopping and buying something new would make you feel happy, so you force yourself to go, adding further abuse to your Body. When you feel guilty for doing or not doing something, then denying or ignoring what you are really feeling and doing the opposite is moving past your thoughts and feelings so that you no longer feel guilty. You need to see and feel what guilt is trying to do and then find the root cause of why you feel guilty if you did, or didn’t do, what guilt is using to control you. Once you find it and the corresponding attachment to a person, place or thing, you can release the guilt, which also means facing your real issues that guilt is trying to stop you from addressing and moving.

As an example, I had an attachment to my mother that was guilt related. I felt that because she was my mother, I not only owed her my life but that it also was my duty to respect, honor and make her happy. Guilt told me that I had to do what she said, otherwise I’d feel guilty for not having met her, and my expectations. When I finally released my attachment to my mother, which also involved this guilt, I no longer felt I had to make her happy. Getting rid of guilt also meant speaking up for myself and not denying my intuition, feelings and emotions, and telling her the truth and not what guilt was telling me what I should or should not say. If I didn’t walk my talk, then guilt would have regained its hold on me and things would not have changed. Of course my expressing myself didn’t make her happy, but it made me happy and lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

Guilt is a big issue in our lives as we mistakenly take guilt as being love. Religion, with its twisted beliefs and dogma plays a big part in promoting guilt and self-sacrifice as being what love is all about. Religion promotes guilt as love by use of the old golden rule of “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Guilt, not love, would have you deny and abuse yourself to make others happy. Guilt would have you be nice, kind, loving, understanding, caring, considerate, co-operative, compromising, self sacrificing and all the other so-called righteous and moral values that form guilt’s unloving repertoire. When you feel yourself falling for one of these moral or righteous values, know that you are dealing with guilt.

Unconditional Love begins with U. – Shenreed

Heart and Heartlessness

Heart has both conditional and unconditional love presence, and it’s conditional love that is creating our present reality. I say that because Heart, like the other aspects of our Being, was also damaged during Original creation when it was imprinted and programmed with unloving light and it still has a lot of healing to do. By original creation, I mean what was experienced at the dawn of creation on a Divine Spiritual level that imprinted all our Spiritual essence with conditional love and is what we have been experiencing ever since. If Divine essence had not been damaged, we would not be experiencing the conditional love and heartlessness that we are presently facing, but would instead, be experiencing life with unconditional love. The Heart essence that is presently within us is conditional love that is primarily based on our beliefs as to what love is, as well as denial, judgments and attachments. Any love that is expressed as feelings and emotions that are not deemed positive, most often face heartlessness and are ridiculed, denied and rejected. This conditional love runs the gambit from being somewhat close to unconditional, all the way down to cold indifference, heartlessness and hatred. What we experience as Heart presence (love) depends on how much heartlessness is within us and how it is directed at self or at others, and is also related to the issues we have in our life.

Part of this heartlessness lies with Heart itself in not accepting itself. Spirit polarity Heart has been in a position of power and has played a major role in not accepting any input from Will polarity Heart to the experience that both share. Spirit polarity Heart has been the most active in any decisions that Spirit has made as it defines love by words or deeds, and not by how it feels, which is how Will polarity Heart identifies love presence. Are you feeling a religious tone yet? You should. Ever since the dawn of creation, Spirit polarity Heart has been aligned with Spirit (Mind) so as to remain accepted and safe and not suffer the same fate as Will polarity Heart that is denied and rejected. Since Spirit has been in control of the rest of our Being, and Spirit Heart is aligned with it, both have denied any of Will and Will polarity Hearts input if it wasn’t aligned with their desires. While part of this action can be put down to unconscious imprints and programs, other displays of heartlessness are of conscious or bent intent. Heart is not alone in this as all aspects of our Being have some form of heartlessness that is directly linked its imprints, programs and beliefs that form the unconscious, auto-pilot actions, as well as those actions that have conscious and deliberate unloving and controlling intent.

The dilemma we face is how to end this cycle, this downward spiral towards death and annihilation. The biggest problem is that the Mind presently thinks that it’s in control of all of our Being, but in reality, it’s being run by the inner critic, guilt, shame, denied rage, and all its old imprints, programs and beliefs. If things are to change, the Mind needs to be willing to give up its point-of-view and position of power and control. To do this, the Mind needs the assistance of Spirit polarity Heart that has been aligned with it. To begin, we need to become conscious and aware of our denials and then choose to end them. The first stage of healing our heartlessness is for the Mind to begin ending the obvious lies, omissions, avoidance and denials that it is aware of and to allow any feelings and emotions associated with the denials to move. Having gained experience in ending the obvious denials, the next step is to dig deeper and uncover and end those that are not so obvious, and finally, moving to uncover our original cause imprints, programs and beliefs that are buried in the subconscious and unconscious aspects of our Being. Until this inner process happens, real healing and unconditional love can’t be experienced as all our actions are based on conditional love and various forms of heartlessness. Only after this process has begun is the Body, that is the manifestation of the union between Spirit and Will, able to begin its healing process to restore health and life to our physical form.

What first moves out as self-love, but is denied expression, reverses its polarity and becomes self-hatred. - Shenreed

Self-love – Self-hatred

As previously mentioned, most people think that loving themselves is what they are doing when they are giving themselves physical pleasure that makes them feel good. When they feel good about themselves, they also feel good about other people, thus creating the illusion and belief that self-gratification is a good and loving thing that benefits everyone. I’m not saying that you can’t go out and do all those things, but one really needs to examine their intent.

Real self-love is about giving all parts of our Being (Mind, Will, Heart, Body) free expression in response to the experience that it is having. If there is any conflict, then the Mind will address the issue as to why this part of itself is not pleased or comfortable with the present experience. Self-love will not manipulate or control the part that has the issue, but will do whatever it takes to find balance. It does this by either helping that part find the underlying cause of the issue that will enable it to heal, or for the other parts of the self that were either unaware, or in denial, to see and feel the experience differently. Once all four parts of the self are in agreement, then there is balance, peace, harmony and love in action.

You don’t hate yourself because other people hate you, but because you already hate yourself and their hatred toward you is just a mirror, a reflection of what you are doing to yourself. Self-hatred is self-inflicted, as is self-love. Self-love is not about getting other people to love and accept you, but for you to love and accept yourself. Having lots of friends and acquaintances is not a sign that people love you. Neither is being hated by others a sign that you are not loved and loving yourself. We have love and hate so mixed up that we don’t know one from the other, and we have in fact, accepted self-hatred and self-sacrifice as the criteria for being a loving person. We blindly accept this self-hatred as self love if we think those that we are trying to influence are accepting us. It’s time we woke up.

A question you may have is, “Why do people hate me?” The question is not why they hate you (as that is what you are trying to fix) but rather, why are you still hating yourself and trying to get them to like and accept you? When you feel people hating you, it’s not about having to protect yourself from absorbing their hatred, but about allowing yourself to express what you really feel in the moment when you feel that you are being attacked by the unloving energy of hate. When you are in denial, and only when you are in denial, do you not only absorb the unloving energy that others are projecting at you, but you also turn on yourself with your self-hatred created by your denials. If you are not being totally open and honest with yourself as you can consciously be in the moment, and are searching to find the underlying causes for the problems and issues that you are experiencing, then it is not love that you seek. Your unwillingness to look at your denied problems and issues is self-hatred exposed.

While you may think that you are being loving by protecting yourself and avoiding the things that bring up painful memories, you are in fact, doing the reversal of love (evol) and are actually hating these parts of you, while giving acceptance to those parts of you that don’t feel painful. Anytime there is denial of any part of you, there is also self-hatred, and until the denials are ended, it’s not love and life that you are vibrating to and searching for, but hatred and death. You can’t be loving and searching for truth, love and life, if you are aware, but still in denial, of those parts of you that are hurt and in pain. Love does not deny or judge one part of you as being better than another, but has acceptance for all parts, as all is one. Just like your physical body, all parts are connected and are one and you need all parts of you to be whole and complete.

You also need to be in relationships that will challenge and activate your issues and expose your denials and self-hatred, so that you can bring light to those parts of you that you have been denying, avoiding and keeping in the dark. If healing is your intent, it’s not loving to only search for relationships with those that agree with your points-of-view, judgments and self-hatred, that go out of their way to avoid triggering or activating you, and say and do only things that please you and make you happy. To heal, you are going to have to revise your focus and intent. Instead of focusing on doing what makes you happy, you now need to do the opposite, to focus on what makes you unhappy and to find and heal the cause so that the denied and rejected part of you can also be happy, thereby making you happier. Ending denials and self-hatred is new and foreign to you as it goes against all your old imprints, programs and beliefs. It will require heartfelt intent to reverse old habits of self-hatred and replace it with self-love.

Once you love yourself, you no longer seek the approval and attention of others, nor do you hate others as hatred for others is denied self-hatred. Love is also not about self-sacrifice and accepting abuse from another or about sacrificing and abusing any part of yourself. When you have unconditional love and acceptance for all parts of your Being, you will not allow any unloving energy to abuse you, be it man, woman, child, young, old, cripple or even an animal. When you are in this state of Being, you have acceptance for their being as they are, but you do not accept their unlovingness as that is self-sacrifice and self-hatred. When you have love and acceptance for yourself, you do not hate others when they are trying to control you, nor do you feel like you have to be on guard or protect yourself. The key is being aware of what you are feeling and in expressing yourself in the very moment you feel any unloving energy, or, if you are in doubt, you allow yourself to ask any questions that you feel you need to ask in order to clear the air. While what others say is important, what they don’t say is just as important and it is only your Will that will tell you what is really going on. By expressing yourself and not denying your Will, the unloving energy cannot penetrate or control you, as you are not in denial. Because you don’t deny and accept it, the unloving energy is automatically sent back to its source, and with it being sent back, there is no charge attached to you, and no remaining issue. Of course, the person that was trying to control or manipulate you will see it in a different light, but that is their issue.

As a final note on love, I’ll leave you with some food for thought. While the reality we are presently experiencing contains the feelings and emotions that are loving and unloving, have you ever asked yourself why? Think of, or make a list of the negative and unloving feelings and emotions that come to mind. Where did all these negative and unloving feelings and emotions come from? What do all the negative and unloving feelings and emotions have in common? Did you answer denial? What do you think you will experience when denials have ended? What do you think it will feel like, and what kind of life can you live when you are free from all the unloving denials that created the negative feelings and emotions that have imprisoned you for all eternity? To know what love is, you need to know what is not love. Love has infinite forms and we have been given the opportunity to experience the countless forms of love, beginning with conditional love that ranges from seething hate and cold indifference, all the way up to almost, unconditional love. So now that we know what we create with conditional love when we are in denial, what kind of reality are we going to create with unconditional love when we end our denials? What a wondrous experience, journey or lesson, if you want to call it that.

While we have experienced life with the infinite forms of conditional love, we have yet to experience life with unconditional love. Can you imagine what life will be like when there is no sadness, sorrow, grief, heartbreak, anger, rage, hatred, wrath, contempt, disgust, scorn, loathing, envy, jealousy, fear, rejection, lost, alone, panic, stress, attacked, helplessness, powerlessness, unsupported, useless, worry, anxiety, doubt, guilt, shame and the list goes on and on. All these feelings and emotions will no longer be part of our reality as the denials and unlovingness that created them will no longer be present. Along with that we will experience a reality free of physical disease, pain and death. Now that is not only food for thought, but the stuff that dreams are made of, to imagine a creation we have yet to conceive, create and experience. A reality where love has no conditions, denials, attachments or judgments. A reality where we are free to be all that we are.

Love is: Compassion not judgment, Acceptance not denial, Connection not attachment. - Shenreed

Chapter 11 - Denial

The fundamental success of deceit, lies, omission, avoidance and denials in today’s society lies in our own self-deception, as our outer reality is a reflection of our inner reality. We see and hear only what we want to see and hear, and are blind to anything that is not our truth. We are imprinted and programmed with false and twisted beliefs, that not only encourage us to deceive others, but also ourselves. This imprinting and programming begins when we’re born and continues for the rest of our lives. Classic examples of how Western society programs this deceit into our vulnerable children’s minds is through religion and our customs and traditions like Santa Clause, the Easter bunny and tooth fairy. Our education and media systems are also key instruments that are used to program our Minds. By the age of four, children have already learned to lie and deny, and with age and experience, they hone their talents to a fine craft. The better they are at their craft, the more successful they are at controlling and manipulating others in their reality. They learn to hide their real emotions and only express, or act out, any emotions that serve their cause. They also learn to use words as a tool to twist any form of confrontation to their favor. They know how to create doubt and fear and are also experts at using guilt and shame to manipulate others to do their bidding.

Ending denials is not easy or simple, as before you can begin to end your denials, you have to know what your denials are. Not only do you need to know what, but also who, where, when, why and how these denials came to be part of your reality. While a dictionary will give you the definition of denial, ending personal denials is a lot more involved. If denials were simple to end, there would be no need for this book. Denial or no denial, that’s pretty black and white. Denials that are made with conscious intent are fairly obvious to spot once intent to end denials has been made and practiced. Unconscious denials, denials that have been put in place by imprints, programs and beliefs are not so simple to spot as the unseen role of denial creates a fog in the conscious Mind that hides the denial from being seen for what it really is. Once you are aware of it and can see and feel the truth, then you can again see denial as being black and white and of having a choice.

While I’m on the topic of black and white, a little white lie is still a lie and a denial, and no matter how you justify and defend it, it is still a lie and unloving. As I have already mentioned, the classic examples of white lies include Santa Clause, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, or any other falsehood that is intended to deceive another. While parents may justify the lie as small and insignificant, what they fail to realize is that when a child finally learns the truth of how their parents lied, denied and deceived them, they are programmed that lying is acceptable, and is the good and the right thing to do. Later the parents are shocked and dumbfounded when their children lie and deny, and then with a pompous, self-righteous attitude they exclaim, “I/we never raised our child/children to lie, I/we don’t know where they got that from, must be their friends or school.” They say this while oblivious to the fact that they are living proof of how these little white lies and denials affect another, especially a young and trusting child that looks to its parents as a role model.

Your denials are the locks on the door of fear to the room that contains your lost power and essence, and is what is keeping you from recovering and healing the lost parts of you and becoming whole and all that you are. If a person has the intent to end their denials and to open and walk through the door and heal and empower themselves, that is their personal choice and they can only do it when they are ready. Most people that are looking to heal want it to be nice, easy, safe, painless and as quick as possible. People have all kinds of healing methods and stories about exposing and ending denial, along with a host of mental excuses and reasons why healing is not taking place. I have a different story to tell about denial, but most people I’ve met try to convince me that their story and method, the one that fails, is the right one. They can try to sell it, but I’m not buying it. I’ve heard the story before as I’ve been there done that and know it doesn’t work. I now know what works for me and is the reason I’m writing my books. Whether it works for you is only something that you can prove for yourself. I know that once I opened the door and began to end my personal denials, I was empowered. I also knew I couldn't go back to being deaf, dumb and blind anymore. So here I am. I’m not perfect. I'm still in denial with the issues I still have to heal, and I am always working on healing them. Presently, I feel that I have a foot in two worlds, two different realities, the old world of denial of the truth and the new one where truth and love are expressed.

You can be in the world of denial, but you don’t have to be a part of it. - Shenreed

Identifying Denials

Identifying our denials is difficult as we are so used to being in denial that denial seems like our natural state of being. Usually we can't see our denials and we need to be openly challenged or have them reflected to us by other people that will then trigger and activate us into our denied emotions and issues. Once we really begin to recognize and end the denials that we are conscious of, and allow real feeling and emotional movement, we can then move to become aware of the denials that we are not aware or conscious of. But having said that, ending denials is at best, the choice of maybe one third of the people on this planet, the Will polarity, and only if they so choose to end their denials. The rest, the Spirit Polarity and the denial Spirits are not likely to shift their point of view, but having said that, I'm also aware that there has been a shift on the Astral plane by denial Spirits, so changes are happening and anything is possible.

While you may not start out with the conscious intent to avoid and deny your issues, you do it anyway because you are unaware of the unseen role that denial plays in creating your reality. You might have the intent to do something new and exciting with a friend, but when you thought about it, issues popped up that made you feel uncomfortable. As the feelings emerged, you began the process of shutting them down as well as looking for excuses to renege on your plans with your friend so as to avoid the feelings you have. Instead of dealing with the issue, you decide to do something that you consider safer, the old tried and true, like maybe dropping in on another old friend, or your parents, people that you also have issues with but that are not activating you like the present one. When you avoid facing one issue, you go into denial, and because you are already in denial, anything else that you do will also involve some form of denial, omission, lie or avoidance.

When you are facing the unknown and are unsure and in doubt, the Mind scrambles to find something known, something that although may not be pleasant, at least it is known and you know what to expect and maybe how to handle the situation so that it isn't as bad as the new unknown one. There is an old saying, "It's better to be with the devil you know, than the one you don't know.” Because you lack self-love, you seek outside approval, acceptance and love and have a constant need for validation, even if that validation is in the form of mental, emotional and physical abuse, it is at least something, which to your Mind is better than the seemingly dark, deep, cold, emptiness of the unknown. You cling to and are blinded by hope, hope that they will change, that they will accept and love you as you are, but the unseen role of denial, of being in denial of being in denial, gives you blind hope and keeps you locked in your never ending cycle of abuse and denial. To keep up this facade, this illusion of false hope, you deny and pretend that all is well and that life is fine, while the opposite is what is really happening. This pretending that you and all around you are fine, is nothing more than cold and heartless self-hatred. It’s playing the game of the martyr in the hope that your self-sacrifice will change others and your reality.

When you are being triggered into your issues, you will automatically and instantaneously do one of three things, fight, run or give up. When you are aware that you are doing one of these three things, the hardest and most difficult thing to do at that time, is for your Mind to stop and say, "Well this is interesting! I can see that I’m being activated, but instead of re-acting and being in denial, I'm going to allow myself to feel what I need to feel, and remember what I want to forget, so that I can heal this issue instead of simply repeating it over and over again." While that is what the Mind needs to do, what the Mind does is what it has always done, and that is to deny and gap, and then react to the imprints, programs, beliefs, judgments, false feelings and emotions that it is engulfed in as it frantically looks for a way out of the situation. This is the pattern that keeps repeating itself over and over in our lives, simply because of the unseen role of denial. People prefer to remain in denial for as many reasons as there are denials. They justify, rationalize and bitterly defend their denial point-of-view to avoid having to deal with the truth, as the truth to them is too brutal or painful, yet the irony is that the only thing that will heal and free them from their pain is the truth.

When you choose to remain in denial, you also choose to remain in fear. – Shenreed

Blinded by a Fog

When you are in denial, you are blinded by a fog and are for the most part, not even aware of your conscious denials yet you think you are speaking the truth and being loving to yourself and others. Even if you are aware of your obvious denials, you are not aware of the unseen role that denial plays in your experiences. When in denial, you are either blaming another person, place or thing, or you are blaming yourself for your issues that happen over and over again. As an example, if you are in an abusive relationship, you keep going back, time after time, hoping that they will change, accept and love you, and that maybe this time they will mean what they say, but that never happens and the cycle only continues to spiral downward. You are caught up in false hope, hoping that they will change and so you justify your experiences and look for a quick fix solution to solve your problems and issues. It’s not that the other person has to change, it’s that you have to change.

You are attracted to hate like a moth is to a flame, as hate is what you have been taught to accept, yet it is love that you desire, and hence the confusion and struggle. When you are searching for love and acceptance outside yourself, you are always walking on eggshells, trying to be perfect in their eyes so that there is no conflict and that things will be perfect, but that is impossible, as no matter how hard you try, you will always fail. Then on the other end of the denial teeter-totter, if you are not searching externally for love and acceptance, then you withdraw and enclose yourself in a protective bubble, not letting anyone or anything in that you feel will harm you, but unknowingly, it also keeps you trapped. These have been the patterns and cycles that continue through our journey called life that we consider out fate, karma, destiny, and our lot in life.

Even though you may mentally see the pattern and problem, doing something about it, besides going to the other end of the denial teeter-totter is going to be one of the most difficult things you will ever do, as it means not only doing what you have never done before, but also going against your present beliefs. While you may get hindsight’s as to your issues and you may think that you are out of the fog, unless you are willing to move emotionally and go deeper to find the original cause, there is no healing and the pattern merely repeats itself in different forms. When you finally allow your Will (intuition, feelings and emotions) to move by physically expressing them in the moment you are feeling them, then you Mind will have the understandings and insights it never had as long as it was denying and avoiding what it didn’t want to feel. It is then, and only then, that the Mind will come out of the fog on that particular issue. The Mind is then able to use the understandings it now has when dealing with other issues.

Trying to help a person that is in denial, and in denial of being in denial, is just as impossible as trying to help a person that is drunk or high on drugs, to think rationally. No matter what you say, you cannot get through to them as their Mind is in a fog and they’re unable to think clearly and rationalize what you are saying or what they are experiencing. They become lost, confused and disoriented and simply go in circles. Even if one was to confront them and identify their problems and issues, they would deny and claim that they either have no problem, suffer from another problem, or that their emotions are a disease and therefore the cause of their issues and problems. Even if they agreed with you it would be only to get you to leave them alone. Being self-reliant and responsible is not a distinguishing characteristic of a person in denial and especially of one in denial of being in denial.

When a person is in denial, the more you try to help or save them, the further they distance themselves from you. If they do want help, they want help on their terms and in the manner that they feel will help them. In other words, they want to control you to give them the help they feel they need and in the manner they need it and, if you don’t comply with their wishes and demands, they are outraged, stating that you are not helping them. Even if you do manage to get through to them and they acknowledge what you are saying and will say that they know, it really doesn’t mean they know, as knowing the truth without doing is not knowing. Without applying what they claim they know to their experience, it’s basically in one ear and out the other, and a few minutes later they’re back to their old song and dance, oblivious to the fact the they said they knew what you were talking about just a few minutes ago.

It’s frustrating to be caught up in such a scenario but there is nothing that you can do except walk away and let them come to you and when they do, be prepared to speak your truth, because if you don’t, you will be setting yourself up for more of the same. If you have not healed your issues you will get caught up in the drama and your issues, and it will become a shouting match and a battle of so-called Wills, to prove you right and the other wrong. Once you have healed your issues to a level where you know that everyone has free Will and choice, you will then feel compassion for their plight, knowing that you also went through a similar process on your healing journey and that they, like you, will only come off their denial based position and point-of-view, when they are ready to do so.

Being in denial of being in denial is one of the most difficult obstacles that we face on our healing journey as the unseen role of denial is subtle and insidious, as it is present in almost every conscious thought we have. Our initial instinct is to focus on the obvious and what we think is the problem, and while that is an important first step, we fail to look for the underlying causes that are multi leveled and buried beneath our imprints programs and beliefs that we unquestionably accept as normal, natural, or the truth. To begin to uncover our hidden denials, we need to challenge and question our very beliefs that we consider the truth, but are actually false or part truths that are supporting our denials. You can’t end a denial if you believe that what you are saying and doing is the truth.

When you are in denial, there are no rules except those that benefit you. - Shenreed

Going in Circles

Going in circles is a multi-faceted and multi-leveled topic in that it involves the macro and the micro, from the global social circles all the way down to the individual, and vice versa. It’s interesting to see how the veils are coming down and that more and more denials are being publicly exposed and seen for what they are. While there is an increase in mass conscious awareness of denials, there is at the same time, a lack of action, as the denied issues just get accepted and forgotten. It’s all over the news, but even the news doesn’t follow up. Politicians get caught red-handed in a lie, but the next day they are back as if nothing has happened. Unlawful Police and Military actions and cover-ups are exposed, yet there is no accountability. More information is being uncovered daily about the sex scandals involving the Catholic Church, and while Pope Benedict XVI asks for forgiveness, he still sanctions the guilty, and the vast majority of Catholics still fervently support their religion while the abuse is allowed to continue.

Another blatant example is the oil and gas price fixing issue that everyone, including the media is aware of, but nothing happens. The media has the awareness and tools to expose the denials and cover-ups going on and could force politicians and others to take action and make changes that would get to the bottom of the issue, but they don’t dig any deeper than tonight’s headlines as they too are part of the problem. It’s like some people are aware yet don’t follow through, or if they do try to speak up, they are silently removed, while the silent majority, (the sheeple) are either numb, dumb or indifferent. It’s basically the same as what is happening in one’s personal life when a denied issue is brought to one’s attention. Instead of dealing with the consequences of one’s denials, it’s a lot easier to just deny them and sweep them under the carpet. The old adage, “Out of sight, out of Mind,” pretty well sums up our present denial based mentality and reality.

People are so imprinted and programmed by their beliefs and judgments that they unconsciously keep doing the same things over and over again. The sad thing is that while there may be some vague awareness that it’s the same old problem or issue, they keep doing the same thing hoping that the next time the problem will be solved and that things will change. Even if they make a change; within a few days, weeks or months, it’s back to the same or similar problem albeit in a different form. How can it be any different if they are still trying to solve the problem using the same thinking that created the problem in the first place? That by the way, also happens to be a definition of insanity.

Drugs, alcohol, sex, work, hobbies, keeping busy, TV, telephone, internet, eating, sleeping, religion, etc., are all temporary denial based quick fix solutions to ones problems. Either people keep repeating their issues in various forms, or they go so far into denial of their issues that they completely separate themselves from them by cutting off their feelings and emotions. In cutting off and denying their feelings and emotions, they feel good and get a temporary false sense of freedom and empowerment. Slowly, as one denial is built on another, they begin to lose more and more of their feelings and emotions and become numb. This numbness is a two-edged sword as while it feels better than the bad feelings and emotions they were feeling, it also cuts off their feel good feelings and emotions.

It’s like someone getting their foot caught in a leg-hold trap and instead of opening the trap and freeing their leg, they cut their leg off. Sure, they are free, but in the process, they have lost a part of themselves. Although the emotional body is not as recognizable as our physical body, it is no less as real and valid. Denying ones feelings and emotions does not solve the problem as all you are doing is going deeper into denial and losing more and more of your consciousness and essence. Sadly, while it gives a person the illusion of success, they are unaware that they are now, less aware, less intelligent, and less alive.

When you are being activated and in denial, your Mind is in a thick fog, but if you can keep it moving and seeking the truth, you will eventually get hindsight into the issues involved. Even though the Mind says it knows and understands and will remember the hindsight, at the first sign of being activated, it will slip back into the fog and not remember its hindsight’s as it is on auto pilot and being controlled by old imprints, programs and beliefs. A good way to break this cycle is to write down your thoughts, feelings and emotions in a journal with page numbers and paragraphs that are marked with keywords so that you can look up your previous hindsight’s and see what you were going through and what the hindsight was. In this way, you are preparing your Mind to make the cognitive recognition the next time you are being activated into a similar issue and what the previous hindsight was that can then be applied in the present moment during the next activation. Eventually, instead of writing about your hindsight’s and the not-so-merry-go-round that you were on, you’ll be writing about your healings, insights and understandings, and how you are no longer going in circles.

After you have denied yourself for a third time, you are caught in the gap of your denials. - Shenreed

Denial and Expectation

When you think that you’re finally getting the courage to face your issues and are about to challenge those in your outer reflection that you feel abuse you, it’s important not to plan or conduct any encounter or meeting specifically aimed at getting at the truth of what you consider is abuse, as that contains expectations, judgments and therefore denials. This form of courage is actually false as it has its roots in denied rage, albeit denied and suppressed to present the image of being cooperative. While you may think that you are merely facing your fears and taking your power back by confronting those that you feel are abusing you, there is the unseen role of denial present in the intent. Instead, be spontaneous and express yourself in the moment you feel you are being attacked, and not when you think you have the courage to do so. Forget about any preplanned scenarios of what you are going to say or do, and just expect the unexpected and be open to feel and express your intuition, feelings and emotions whenever you have any doubts, or are confused by what is being said or done. If you ignore your Will in the moment you feel it and rely simply on what your Mind tells you is the truth, you will be lost and going in circles as you’re already in denial and what you will experience, (reflected to you by others) will be your denials that your Mind will take as being abused.

If you have healing intent and are not in denial or have expectations, then you will easily pick up on their intent and denials by what is being said and not being said. Because you have healing as your intent, you have nothing to prove or gain, and aren’t expecting to have any confrontation. If however, they are activated and become aggressive, you are aware that you are not activated, but that they have gapped and are simply trying to fight or run from the truth that has been exposed by you expressing yourself in the moment you felt you were being attacked. It’s also not about getting the other person to end their denials and confess and tell the truth, or in winning a battle and proving that you are right, it’s all about you ending your denials of your Will and allowing her to express herself when she feels the need to speak. When you allow your Will to express herself, you give yourself unconditional love. When you do that, then no matter what the other person says or does, it will not matter as you will be in the moment, and you will not only know, but also feel the truth as you recognize that you have not only given yourself love, but also empowered yourself.

All experiences provide you with a healing opportunity if you allow yourself to end your denials of your Will, Heart and Body and to allow them unconditional expression. If however, you are in denial and have expectations, you will not only be activated, but will also face confrontations that are a reflection of your denials. If you find in hindsight that you were in denial, then consider it another lesson in how denial works. While you may think you failed, you have actually gained some hindsight that you can use on your next experience, and to remember not to follow the same denial path. Of course, you also need to know that you will never ever get the chance to have the exact same experience, and while the issue will be the same, the form of the experience will always be different and that is yet another subtle but important twist to remember on your healing journey. When you’re faced with being attacked or confronted, you need to respond in the moment with self-love. Where the natural process of being spontaneously activated and gapping would be two steps forward and one back, if you seek confrontation and are activated and gap, it’s more like no steps forward and three steps back. Responding to confrontation is part and parcel of the healing process, but deliberately seeking confrontation is not in the healing process. It’s a subtle twist, but also one that is very important to remember if healing is your intent.

Denial and Avoidance

Another common misconception people have is that they believe that if they can organize their life in a certain manner to avoid unpleasant situations, that they are being loving to themselves and are not in denial. They may even claim that they are aware of, and know what their issues are, and that doing what they are doing is their way of solving the problem in a loving way that is best for all concerned. While that may be a truth, it’s only a part truth as they are only dealing with the symptoms and not addressing the cause, the source of their issue. It’s another way in which people try to protect themselves from facing any unpleasant experiences or confrontations which are actually exposing their denied issues.

Avoiding any form of conflict is also an attempt at trying to be perfect, of portraying an image of having no problems or issues, and maintaining an image of living in a perfect world. Devoutly religious people are good examples, as part of their indoctrination has them believe that they need to turn the other cheek or walk away from any form of conflict or confrontation. They adamantly believe that this avoidance is a sign of being a better or a more spiritually evolved person than the person that is confronting them, yet under it all, there is denial of their real feelings and emotions along with a subtle form of superiority and one-upmanship that smacks of hypocrisy and unlovingness.

Mental and emotional manifestations of denial include; stress, anxiety, panic attacks, keeping busy, working, shopping, cleaning, eating, watching TV, phone, internet, friends, gossip, loner, sex, smoking, drinking, drugs, exercise, hobbies, etc. The physical symptoms of denial manifest as illness and disease in the body like cancer, heart attacks, strokes, heart palpitations, chronic fatigue, diabetes, fibromyalgia, lupus, gastritis, ulcers, migraines, feeling hot/cold, acme, warts, dry skin, oily skin, sweating, body odor, asthma, arthritis, stiff neck, sore jaw, aching muscles, anorexia, obesity, and the list goes on and on. As you can see, denial and avoiding our issues has a profound effect on our experiences and life.

In the process of doing the final edit for this chapter, I was having a break and happened to watch a program on TV dealing with a Mexican dog whisperer. During the interview and demonstration, he used the word avoidance along with the three other words, fight, flight and surrender, that I often use to describe what happens when people get activated into their denied issues. While he was specifically applying the words to dogs and their actions and reactions, I related them to people. While fight, flight and surrender describes a person’s actions once they have been activated, it doesn’t describe how they are acting when they are not activated, and that is where the word avoidance comes in. When he mentioned avoidance, it really struck a chord in me as it was another piece of the puzzle that I needed to see from a different perspective. With avoidance, there is also the use of lies and omissions, as well as outright denial. While I knew that avoidance was a form of denial, I’ve never really made the connection with a three other reactions that people have when they are being activated. When he used the word avoidance, it became blatantly obvious that avoidance is the main method used to not having to face what you are denying, because if you did, you already know that you would get activated and react with the other three choices, according to your imprinting.

The avoidance I’m talking about isn’t running when you’re being activated, but what you’re doing and saying to avoid any situation that you know will activate you. Like when you have a fear of heights, water, knives, guns, fire, dogs, crowds, conflict, saying no, drawing attention, public speaking, etc., where you avoid any situations that could possible trigger that issue. There are countless ways and means to avoid people, places and things, from simply moving away from something or someone, procrastinating, deflecting, invalidating, keeping busy, using drugs, alcohol, work, sex, exercise, hobbies, crafts, TV, eating, and the list goes on and on. Avoidance also includes all the different forms of lies, omission and denial that a person can use to avoid an unpleasant situation. I never really felt how avoidance was linked to the unseen role of denial, but seeing this TV program hit home as I saw how I have been procrastinating and avoiding finishing my books for any number of reasons that I am just becoming aware of.

The Unseen Role of Denial and Intent

As previously stated, identifying our denials that are of conscious intent are easier to spot than our unconscious denials that have been put in place by imprints, programs and beliefs. The reason being is that the unseen role of denial creates a fog in the conscious Mind that hides the denial from being seen for what it really is. For healing to take place, the Mind can no longer deny or tell the Will how it should, or should not be feeling, and what it can and cannot express. Acceptance means that nothing is overpowering anything else, or allows anything else to overpower it. Being able to accept everything involved in the process of coming into alignment and agreement without overpowering or denying anything is the practice of right use of Will and unconditional love.

When the Mind allows the Will to move into full expression, the Will opens space to receive light and Spirit gains new understandings, but, the proverbial but, the Will can only do that if Mind is open to allow the feelings that it denied (lost Will) to be felt and experienced. Mind has to shine the Light of unconditional Love and acceptance on the Will because the Will is not going to open up to the unloving light of denial or any hidden agenda that it feels Spirit has, that it wants her to accept as so-called unconditional love. Once the Mind has acceptance and feels what the Will is holding, the Will can move, and then both Mind and Will gain understanding. This ties in directly with intent by the Mind, because if the intent is bent, the Will is not going to open or move, but will instead close down. What will move instead is false Will and feelings and emotions that are in agreement with the Minds bent intent. If there is a hidden agenda by the Mind, that basically amounts to the Mind deciding how the Will should feel and respond, and hence, sabotaging the healing process.

The unseen role of denial is so hidden in our daily activities that denial and avoidance seem like normal and natural, while ending denials and being honest and forthright seems completely foreign. Every present belief and judgment has some form of denial attached to it. You can’t even begin to uncover these hidden denials until you have not only identified, but begun to end the conscious denials that you are aware of. Once you have experience in spotting denial, it becomes easier to uncover the hidden ones, as now you know what you are looking for based on experience, and not just the mental understanding of what denial is and how it works. It’s ironic in that what we desire is to be loved and accepted, but what we are addicted to and also share with others is actually hate and unlovingness, manifested in various forms of denial that are then covered up to look like love.

While a person may get hindsight’s and mental understandings of their issues and the judgments and denials present, often when activated and faced with making a conscious choice to end their denials, they gap and react to the situation instead of responding to it. Once activated, the hindsight’s and mental understandings vanish, not only during the gapped experience but also for a short time afterwards. Re-grouping then is a difficult task as now you need to recover lost ground that not only includes the hindsights and mental understandings that you previously had, but also in reconnecting with the feelings and emotions that were denied and pushed back during the activation, as well as understanding what triggered you to go into denial. While you may consider any new hindsights and mental understandings as useless and unworkable based on your past experiences, they are important to show you what you missed and what does not work. It’s at times like this that healing feels hopeless and impossible, but also know, that it’s these very experiences you need in order to prepare for a major breakthrough and healing.

Some physical indicators of when you are in denial are laughing, yawning, stretching, hunching, avoiding eye contact, rolling eyes, staring, sighting (moving ones head and using an object to sight on another object - my favorite), coughing, clearing throat, fidgeting, finger tapping, nail biting, lip chewing, whistling, humming, rocking, scratching, twirling hair, etc. Some verbal expressions of being in denial are words like, yeah, but, sure, okay, whatever, I guess, I  guess so, maybe, perhaps, later, I’m busy, I don’t have time, I’ll see, I know, I’ll think about it, etc. An easy way to begin to identify and learn about denial is by observing and feeling what others are saying and not saying, as it’s far easier to spot denials in another person than in yourself. Once you begin to see how others behave and react when in denial, you can then compare their actions and behaviors to your own. Yet another is to become aware of how others contradict themselves, and then watch where you do the same. One key point here is that when you recognize you’re in denial, you need to accept responsibility for your denials and verbally admit that you are in denial, thereby confirming that you choose to end the denial. If you conscious of being in denial and merely side step and cover up your denials, nothing changes. You also learn about denial by being aware of the obvious, and then by becoming aware of what is not obvious. If you can’t see your denials, then be prepared to have others reflect them to you.

When you finally begin to accept and acknowledge the truth about what you have been denying, everything that you denied in order to avoid and suppress the truth also begins to surface. It’s like you are opening Pandora’s box and you believe that all your fears are going to be unleashed against you. It’s at this point that you have a choice to make, either shut down and continue to deny, or begin to go into all the issues that are coming up and allow yourself to heal the original cause of the issue. While you can’t undo what was experienced, you can express what was never allowed to be expressed, and that expression is what will allow you to heal. The source of all pain and misery is heartlessness. The part of you that originally wanted to express what it was feeling but was denied expression for whatever reason, is the part of you that needs your love and acceptance. This is the fragmented part of you that has been, and still is, alone and in pain and misery. Not only from the original traumatic experience, but also from the conscious part of you that intentionally denied it anytime it made you aware that it needed your love and acceptance to heal and live.

The source of all pain and misery is heartlessness – Shenreed

Denial with a Twist - Little White Lies

Of course, there are people (Denial Spirits) that are born liars where they have no intent to tell the truth if it means any imposition to themselves or in obtaining what they desire. The best you can hope for from them are lies, omissions, avoidance and outright denials mixed in with part truths that are used to create confusion and doubt in your Mind and make their presentation believable. I’m not going to go into that as what I want to discuss are conscious lies we tell ourselves with the intent to deny the truth, and is at the root of the illusion of reality that much of humanity has bought into. Uncovering the unseen role of denial is not simple and one of the most subtle and sinister forms of denials are the ones where we consciously reverse our point-of-view and we reprogram our Mind to deny the truth and accept the lie as the truth.

But denial is not as simple as that as even though you may not be confused or in doubt by what you have experienced, your Mind can still be programmed to deny the truth and accept a lie and denial as the truth. Just to show you how fragile and gullible the Mind is, take a person that has had an experience where they are not confused or in doubt and have formed a realistic assessment about their experience. Later, they are either persuaded or coerced (not threatened) to reverse their thinking by either receiving or believing they will receive some form of gift or reward. What they are asked to do is to deny their realistic and truthful subjective assessment of their experience, and replace it with a lie and a false statement or claim. While initially there may be some form of hesitation and uneasiness about accepting and participating in the lie, if the Mind decides to deny its experience and accept the suggested proposition, the Mind will have reprogrammed itself to accept the altered version of the experience as the truth even though it originally had the opposite point-of-view. It will have switched from thinking and believing what it experienced, to the denial based version, solely on a reward or promise of a reward. This phenomena is known as cognitive dissonance.

The interesting thing is that once a person has made the switch, they are convinced that the truth was a lie and that now the lie is the truth. The other interesting thing is that the reward doesn’t have to be great as even a simple token will be accepted as sufficient reward once the person has agreed to change their point-of-view. Cognitive dissonance is an effective media tool and is used by religion, governments, education, media, military, businesses and many other social entities as a means to persuade and control the masses with very little substance to their rhetoric. Prime examples are political parties promising to give a would be voter what they think will benefit them, or religions promising their followers that they will be rewarded if they follow their instructions. People can also be convinced that they are doing a good deed, being a good law-abiding citizen, or being loyal to a just cause. The frightening thing is that once a person or ideology has control of your Mind, they also have control of the rest of your Being. The sad thing is that those being controlled are not even aware that they are being controlled and will argue and fight to defend their denial based beliefs. The Stockholm syndrome is yet another way that the Mind can take an abusive and controlling situation and create a mindset that defends the abuser who had shown them random acts of kindness throughout their abusive ordeal.

A person that is a free and rational thinker is someone that is in tune with their Mind, logic and reason, and also their Will, feelings and emotions, and doesn’t buy into the rhetoric and the dog and pony show that is being presented. They have the courage to openly express their point-of-view, while being open to new ideas that will expand their understandings and experience, but not without question. On the other hand, the people that are closed minded, the controlled masses, “sheeple,” refuse to change the point-of-view that they have bought into and will eat it up, hook, line and sinker. They adamantly believe and express that they’re doing the good and right thing by obeying the lies they have bought into and have either been, or will be rewarded for their loyalty.

Little white lies are also included in our twisted programs and beliefs that accepts lies as the truth. Telling a little white lie when one thinks that expressing the truth will hurt another’s feelings is one of the most common forms of conscious denials that are actually based on old programs and beliefs compounded by guilt. Other white lies that are prevalent in the modern Christian based society are those of Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. As you can see, all these beliefs and programs are just passed along from generation to generation and just accepted as normal and natural.

Being in a state of denial is known and comfortable, telling the truth isn’t. – Shenreed

Chapter 12 - Fragmentation

As innocent babies and children, we suffered mental, emotional and physical abuse at the hands of our parents, siblings, relatives, friends, peers and others, and were powerless to stop what was happening to us. In order to survive, we did what we thought we needed to do, including accepting and living with the unlovingness that we were experiencing. We endured until such time that we were able to remove ourselves from the situation, but even that didn’t solve our problems as they seemed to follow us around. Removing ourselves, or another person or thing from the situation doesn’t solve the problem, it merely allows us to avoid having to deal with it in that moment. How to heal all the unloving things that happened to us as children is something that we have yet to do, and while we can’t undo the past, we can heal it if we know how, and that is what I share in this and my other books.

When we have traumatic experiences, several things happen to us and one is that we fragment. By that I mean that a piece of our energy (in most cases our emotional body as that is what is not accepted) is fragmented out of the rest of our Being. As a child, when we are having a traumatic experience, we not only take in the unloving energy of the person that is attacking us, but also, by our denials of our true expression, turn our own loving energy back in on ourselves. Because we were denied, or we consciously denied expressing our real feelings and emotions in the moment, this emotional energy had no place to go except back from where it came, and the only way that it could do that was to reverse its polarity. This reversed polarity unloving energy, along with the unloving energy that we unconsciously accepted is then stored in our body in the form of illness and disease.

The parts of our emotional Being that were denied and forced to reverse their polarity, now feel foreign and unloving and not as we previously experienced them, unaware that it was our denials that made them what they are. The traumatic experiences affected our Mind, Will, Heart and Body with various imprints, programs and beliefs that became the blueprint for our reality, and will remain so until such time that we can go back and reverse what was done in the original cause by giving that denied energy the love and acceptance to express itself. A part of the loving emotional energy that wanted to be expressed during our traumatic experiences was our anger and rage at being attacked, but because it was denied, it had to also reverse its polarity, that then became our denied anger and rage that is not loving. When activated, and depending on how it was imprinted and programmed, this denied anger and rage will either attack others or ourselves, as it seeks to rectify what it thinks is the same problem that created the original fragmentation. Other parts of our emotional body are our denied heartbreak and terror, and again, depending on how they were imprinted and programmed, will determine how we experience life and what emotions are expressed and which ones are denied.

The unloving energy of others that we took in and our own reversed polarity energy has to go somewhere and the only place it can go is in our Body. The other person’s energy doesn’t leave us and neither can we reverse our denied energy until we heal it. This unloving (reversed polarity) energy is stored in our energy field where it affects our chakras and aura, and in turn, our entire energy Being. This denial energy also manifests in our physical Body in various forms including illness and disease. As an example, anger and rage manifest as arthritis, kidney and intestinal diseases, as well as various forms of cancer, etc., while other denied emotions like heartbreak and terror, manifest as other diseases and emotional illnesses. Traumatic experiences leads to fragmentation when a part of our emotional Body is forced to exist outside of our energy field and physical Body. Even though it is outside our physical Body, it is still connected to our energy field and we still feel it, although we are not conscious of it in the same manner that we once were.

As children, when we have no other choice, we try to solve our dilemma the best way we can. So-called medical conditions such as ADD, ADHD, OCD, Tourettes, allergies, asthma, chronic fatigue, etc., while there are other factors involved, can also be a direct result of the child trying to solve its emotional problems and issues in the only way it can. For others, it may be putting on weight as a means of protection. It may have decided that being bigger will make it look more powerful and thereby protect it from attack. For a young girl that has been sexually abused, they may think that putting on weight, or losing weight, may be a way to look unattractive in the hopes that she will not be drawing unwanted sexual attention to herself. There are countless ways that the young Mind tries to cope with the issues that they have to deal with on their own, the sad thing is that this also imprints and programs the child in such a way that it sabotages them from becoming all that they can be.

For me, besides not being able to speak English when I started school and being a good Catholic and trying to make others happy, I was also physically small. This combination meant that I would go through years of hell being bullied and beaten. I hated who I was and wished that I was bigger and stronger. I wanted that for two reasons, one to defend myself from the bullies and the second to please my parents who always wanted more out of me, more physical work, and of course, I wanted to make them happy and be accepted and loved. I lifted heavy objects and worked hard like my dad. My Body became strong, hard and solid like a rock, and as I was to later discover, I could also swim like one. What is important to realize is that while I said, “I wish I was big and strong” I really had no conscious idea of how I was going to do that. The programs were set up in my subconscious and they did what they had to do to get the desired results. I never really grew big, but I was very strong for my size. While I tried not to show my feelings and emotions, I was constantly under stress. One way of relieving my stress (self-hatred) was biting my fingernails. I never had to cut my fingernails until I was in my early twenties. In my adolescence, my face was covered in pimples and I also had broken and rotten teeth. This was actually my Body manifesting the unloving energy, trying to get me to be aware of what I had fragmented and was denying.

Healing our emotional body requires going back to reclaim what was lost, (either taken, or given away) and to do that requires Heart. Unless you are totally willing to love yourself unconditionally and be willing to give up and lose all that you believe is love, real healing is impossible. Healing is possible but there is no quick fix, and contrary to popular beliefs and opinions, denial and avoidance of the issues is not healing your issues, but is instead, causing yourself more pain, suffering and fragmentation at the hands of your ignorant Mind that calls the heartlessness it is doing, love.

When traumatic experiences occur during early childhood, you will have little or no childhood memories, or even those of your adolescent and adult life. You try to remember but there are blanks and gaps and it seems that life has somehow passed you by as you can only vaguely remember parts of it as if it were a dream. When the traumatic experience occurs in adolescence, you have memories of your earlier childhood but lose memories of events following the experience. Quite often what happens is that the person obsesses over their early childhood, or they fixate on the more pleasant ones following the experience in an effort to erase the traumatic event. They also tend to hang onto the artifacts of their childhood or the other happy experiences.

Confusion, Doubt and Denial

When we are confused, we are actually dealing with two forms of confusion, and while the causes are totally different, the feelings and outcomes are identical. The first form of confusion is where the Mind doesn’t have, or lacks knowledge of what is happening, or what needs to be done to accomplish what is desired or expected. It’s all the unknown things that are confusing and creates anxiety, stress, doubt, panic, fear of failure, lack of being in control, etc. The second form of confusion occurs when the Mind has the knowledge and facts, but is now overwhelmed with too much information as to what to do next. In this case, it’s all the known things that are confusing that creates the same mental and emotional issues as the unknown things. In this case, the more you know the less you know.

When we have no self-doubts, we are singular and unified in thought, feeling and action, and there is no separation. It’s the self-doubt and then the denials and non-acceptance of the original thought or feeling that not only creates the separation with the self, but it also attacks and pushes away, or even has the intent to destroy the original thought or feeling if it is considered a threat to what is now desired. The resulting effects of the unexpressed doubts and confusion creates shock. The shock creates not only the denial and separation of self, but also fear. Where there is self-love and acceptance, there is no fear, no rejection and no separation.

Confusion creates doubt, which creates disbelief and shock, resulting in a split in consciousness, where one part of our consciousness is now divided against another part of itself. This division isn’t just opposing views of the same principal like polarity, with temperature and hot and cold, this division creates duality, another reality, with judgments about what is considered right or wrong, too hot or too cold. When we have doubt, self-doubt, we may have a thought or feeling but we hesitate, negate and deny it, and then choose another that is more comfortable and acceptable. This doubt and denial creates the judgment, that then creates duality, of right and wrong, of good and bad. Another way to look at duality is as a dual reality. In one reality, consciousness is loved and accepted, and in the other, it’s denied, rejected and attacked. With duality, we have created another reality and as long as we are in denial, what we’ll be experiencing is the reality that we do not prefer and are trying to avoid by feeding it our denial energy. What we ignorantly fail to realize is that what we are avoiding and attacking is the part of our consciousness that we have denied. It’s like a dog chasing its tail, unbeknownst that it’s attacking itself.

Another thing to note is that confusion and doubt are intertwined with denial. If a person has an experience where they deny expressing their confusion or doubt, then it’s the denial that takes precedence and will program the Mind and set up certain beliefs and judgments that reinforce the denials as truth. Once the seed of denial has been planted in your Mind, that denial program not only has control of your Mind, it also has control of the rest of your Being. So now, whenever your Mind is confused and in doubt, the previous denial program will override and control your Mind and get it to deny expressing your confusion or doubt, and will instead, give others the benefit of the doubt, thus putting you even deeper into denial and setting you up to be the perpetual victim.

Fear and Fragmentation

The part of you that is afraid of something, the you that is reading this book, is not the part of you that needs to be healed, yet it is the only part of you that can heal what needs to be healed. Confused? Let me explain. Say that as a child, you are at a lake with your parents and you wandered down to the dock. While playing on the dock, you accidently fell into the water. You didn’t know how to swim and you were confused and in shock as you found yourself submerged under the water, gulping water, not air. You panicked and feared for your life. You didn’t know that the water was only waist deep, but that didn’t lessened your traumatic experience as you struggled for air and finally realized that you could stand up. You made your way to the shore and up the bank, still gasping for air and spitting up water. As you made your way to safety, you were not only being imprinted and programmed to fear docks and water, but you were also fragmenting. By that I mean that the part of you that was traumatized was being cut off from the rest of you. The part that went on to tell the story of its ordeal did what it thought it needed to do in order to survive, which was to deny a host of emotions like, terror, heartbreak, helplessness, hopelessness, etc., that were being felt, but not being expressed because you were too busy trying to save yourself.

You never told your parents or anyone for fear of getting into trouble and you denied the experience so fully that now as an adult, you have no recollection of the original experience or why you have this morbid fear of water. All that you know is that all your life you have avoided situations that involved being on, or in the water, and especially being on a dock. Now say that today, you have an opportunity to go boating, but as you walk down to the dock and see the water, you are immediately seized by a panic attack. Now the present dock and water are not life threatening as you haven’t even stepped onto the dock and are no way near the water, but this experience is activating your old imprints and programs that are buried in your sub-conscious when you fragmented during the original traumatic experience.

What needs to be healed is not the present you that says it is afraid of the water, but the fragmented part of you that you lost in the original experience. Once the present you, that is presently expressing your false emotions and fear of water, can bring that lost fragmented part of you back inside yourself, you will also release the old imprints, programs and judgments of your fear of water. To do that, the present you needs to allow the part of you that was fragmented, to express all the emotions that were denied and never expressed during the original experience. When the fragmented part of you is accepted and reunited with you, you will no longer have a fear of water. While it may appear that the present you is the main focus of healing, it isn’t the part that needs to be healed, but is rather the key to healing and reclaiming the lost parts of you, and in bringing them back into your present Being. As this lost part is still a part of your essence, your present consciousness is also affected. For healing to occur, the inner and outer child needs to be accepted and the present you needs to allow it to express all that had been denied. When that happens, this part of your energy that was lost and outside of you is now reunited with your essence, your present Being, and where you once felt alone and lost, you now feel loved and safe, and what was once an issue is no longer an issue. Healing takes the combined effort of all aspects of your Being, and healing one fragment not only heals your present issues, but also heals all your past lives where you had issues with drowning, and you will recognize, feel and understand that, once you have healed your fragment.

When you find yourself, you no longer feel lost and alone. - Shenreed

Understanding Fear

We know that fear is something that we feel and not some concept or idea. Having the thought or idea of a lake doesn’t create fear. If however we had a near drowning experience in a lake where we felt that we were going to die, that feeling memory of fear would now be associated with water and the lake. If this feeling of fear is not expressed in the moment and we went past our fear to save ourselves, we basically did the same as what I shared earlier. Although we managed to save most of our Being, we had to deny our feelings and emotions by thinking something like, “No! I’m not going to die! I want to live!” Our terror, heartbreak, anger and rage feelings and emotions of drowning and dying in the water went unexpressed and it is this personal lost Will that was fragmented and left behind. It was left with not only the feeling of dying, but also the added feelings of terror and heartbreak at being abandoned and not being accepted or loved. Feelings of anger and rage are also present in this lost Will fragment, all caused by, and related to the traumatic experience.

What a conundrum and contradiction! In order to save a part of ourselves we had to sacrifice another part of ourselves, and we’re not even consciously aware that we’re doing it in the process. After we manage to survive, we might even forget how terrified we were when we thought we were going to drown. But, imprinted in what is now called our subconscious, we now have a fear of water and not only that, we also have feelings of being alone, heartbroken, not accepted and all the rest. What we’re actually feeling is our personal Lost Will fragment that we abandoned when we saved ourselves. This part of us, our Lost Will, still has magnetic energy and tries to reach out to us through our higher self, by creating experiences that remind us of the original experience in the hope that we will rescue it, but when activated, instead of searching for that lost fragment, we run from it and avoid it at all costs. We also go about the rest of our lives trying to find someone, or something to fill the hole and emptiness that we feel inside us, but we don’t even know that it’s these lost parts of us that we’re looking for, and who are looking for us. Instead, we try to replace them with people, places or things, hoping that they will somehow make us feel complete. Emotions are not the problem, nor do they create the experience, they only respond to what is being experienced, yet in our Mind, we blame them as doing both.

Contrary to popular opinion, fear is not the enemy that we have to overcome or deny to become fearless. It is our fear that we need to face because behind the fear are the lost parts of us, our lost essence and power that we need to heal and reclaim. We are literally afraid of ourselves, the parts of us that we have denied. We need to search for and accept our fear in order to find the lost parts of us that, in our blind ignorance and denial, we have locked behind a wall of unlovingness. We didn’t know or understand what denials were, or what they were doing to those other parts of us. We also haven’t wanted to face or remember these fears as the Mind was imprinted that the feeling of fear, or that what was associated with the fear was the problem. When we recover our lost Will fragments, we will become empowered and fearless as we will no longer be denying our Will by moving past it, but will instead, express any feelings and emotions that are present, and in that we gain understanding of why we have the fear in the first place.

So the key here is to not only recognize and become aware of our fears and to not move past them, but to also recognize the shock and our mental confusion, doubts or uncertainties that created our fear. It’s then that the Mind takes its share of responsibility for its confusion and doubts by responding to the Will and allowing her to express herself in an attempt to clear up the confusion, doubts, misunderstandings and fear. Feel and ask, ask and feel and together there’s balance, there’s love. With fear there are also judgments that are actually thought forms attached to the thinker. Judgments are outside of time as they take a past experience and project it into the future. Judgments are a form of denial, a way of giving conditional acceptance to an experience by saying that you have acceptance for it as long as it’s the way I say it is.

Inner and outer Child - Shock and Fear

When one part of our consciousness, denies and rejects another part, we create a split in consciousness and fragmentation occurs. In the course of my journey I’ve come to discover that there are two forms of fragmentation, one creates the inner child that we are familiar with, and the other is what I have come to call, the outer child. If emotional healing and self-empowerment are your intent, then both these fragments need to be healed and recovered, but before you can do that, you need to know some important details.

The inner child is created (fragmented) during an unexpected traumatic experience where the person undergoes shock, confusion, doubt and disbelief. The Mind is overwhelmed by the Wills feelings and emotions and doesn’t know what to do as it has no previous experience. In desperation, it frantically searches for a quick fix solution to the dilemma it finds itself in. This combination sets up the makings for a split in consciousness, where the Mind gaps and denies the Will (intuition, knowing, feelings and emotions) any expression of its real “feelings and emotions.” It’s this denial of the feelings and emotions that creates the split and what is called, the inner child. While the Will is most affected as it is the one being rejected and attacked, the Mind and its sub-conscious don’t go unscathed by this unexpected traumatic experience. After the conscious Mind has denied the Will any expression of its real feelings and emotions, it creates beliefs and judgments about the experience, while the subconscious Mind is imprinted and programmed. When the conscious Mind creates its beliefs and judgments, the Will creates false Will (feelings and emotions) that agree with the Minds beliefs and judgments, as those are acceptable and allowed expression. The fragmented part of the Will that was denied, now forms the inner child which is imprinted and programmed with a fear of expressing any real feelings and emotions, believing that it will only receive more of what it received during the original traumatic experience. It is further imprinted with whatever it was told during the experience, and takes that as being the reason the Mind rejected it. What is also created by both the conscious and subconscious Mind, is a thing called fear.

Fear was one thing that didn’t exist before the traumatic experience, but was created as a result of it. Fear is also not a standalone entity as it is always associated with a person, place or thing that created the fragmentation in the original traumatic experience, and is imprinted in the sub-conscious of the Mind, Will and Body. Besides the creation of fear, an attachment is also created to that person, place or thing that will need to be released if healing is the intent. In addition, the subconscious of the Body is also imprinted with the Body’s feelings and sensations it had at the time of the traumatic experience. Any sight, sound, taste, touch or smell is enough to activate the subconscious and trigger the conscious Mind. These imprints may also create allergies or sensitivities, where the Body reacts to these imprints. All these physical activators are indicators of deeper problems and issues and in most cases, the conscious Mind isn’t even aware of why it is being triggered by these physical sensations, which also include pain, pressure and constriction. The sub-conscious Mind also creates two associated fears, that while general in nature, are disempowering just the same. These fears are, the fear of the known and the unpleasant experiences that it is afraid to re-experience, and the other is the fear of the unknown, the unexpected events that could be unpleasant. These sub-conscious imprints and programs, while not in the present awareness of the conscious Mind, are still connected to the denied emotions by way of the imprints and programs. It’s the denied and unresolved issues that creates the stress, anxiety and tension, etc., as well as various physical aches, pains and illnesses, supposedly of unknown origin as the medical community would have us believe.

The events that created the inner child lead to the creation of an entity known as fear, that now sets the stage for the creation of the outer child. Having gone through the original traumatic experience that created the inner child, now, when a similar experience is about to happen, the Will intuitively senses and knows that this living hell isn’t over, and it sends this information to the Mind. The Mind and its sub-conscious are suddenly aware of something that they had not noticed. The subconscious activates the conscious Mind with its related fear imprints and programs, that also trigger the conscious Mind’s beliefs and judgments it has made about the past experience, that it now believes is going to happen again. The conscious Mind is even more confused and terrified and having been unable to deal with the first experience, (that remains unresolved) it is also unable to deal with this similar experience. Having gotten rid of the feelings and emotions that created the original fragmentation resulting in the inner child, it’s now determined to get rid of the rest of the Will, the intuition and knowing, as it doesn’t want to know and admit that it feels powerless to stop what it’s experiencing.

This activation is different than the original, as it doesn’t bring up the same feelings and emotions as in the original experience as they were the ones that were denied, instead, the Mind now blames the Will’s intuition and knowing as being the cause of this problem, as by bringing it to the Minds awareness, the Mind thinks the Will has created it on purpose. Because the Minds sub-conscious is also activated by its imprints and programs, both the Mind and the sub-conscious Mind now deny this “intuition and knowing” aspect of the Will. The Mind, terrified and confused, and also being controlled by its subconscious imprints and programs, as well as its beliefs and judgments, goes on auto-pilot and into its fight, flight or give up mode. It denies and gaps, and it’s at this point that another split in consciousness takes place, but this time, both the conscious and the subconscious Mind deny and reject this essence of our emotional body that now fragments to become what I call, the outer child.

Why this split in consciousness creates an outer child and not just another inner child is because both the conscious and the sub-conscious Mind (in fear) denied this aspect of the Will, and in doing so, pushed it outside of the main essence of our physical and Spiritual Being. In the process of being rejected, most of it was knocked unconscious and deep into the gap, into a no man’s land, lost and alone, with no direct contact with the other aspects of its Being. While the conscious Mind is no longer aware of this part of the Will, the subconscious, by its imprints and programs is, and is what gets triggered by future experiences that then activate the conscious Mind.

What’s important to note here is that the inner child that was created in the original traumatic experience, is aware that this other aspect of self, the outer child, was not only denied expression, but was also pushed out of the physical/Spiritual energy Body by Spirit, the conscious and sub-conscious Mind. This outer child can’t be reached directly as it’s been denied by both the conscious and subconscious Mind, and the only way that it can be reached is through the inner child, which has to be first accepted and healed enough to allow it then to help the conscious and subconscious Mind reach the outer child, and enable it to be brought back into our Spiritual/physical Being where it can be healed. The outer child and the Will’s subconscious, is imprinted and programmed that it is not acceptable to express ones intuition and knowing. The outer child also feels unloved, unwanted and not acceptable, and believes that it did something wrong.

While it appears that there is no hope for this outer and inner child to heal, what is also happening, and unknown to the conscious Mind, is that your Higher Self is aware of this experience, and that it was set up as part of what you needed to heal and recover, not only in this lifetime, but also lost essence from past lives. This is where karma and reincarnation come into play. To facilitate healing our issues, our Higher Self, in agreement with others, sets up experiences where you will be triggered or activated, to enable you to awaken and make another choice, other than the denial choices that you have been making for all eternity. While your present experiences and issues may not be what you desire, they are exactly what you need in order to heal what you have incarnated to heal in this lifetime. The only thing you need to realize is that Karma is not about retribution for what you did to others in past lives, it’s about what you did to the other parts of yourself.

As a recap, the major differences between the inner and the outer child is that shock and denial created the first split in consciousness and fragmentation and the inner child. During the next activation, fear and denial created the second split in consciousness and the outer child fragment, that added to the original fragmentation of the Will, but in a different way. Healing the inner child means you need to deal with your issues of shock, while healing the outer child means addressing your fears, and both include the ending of denials. The other difference is that the inner child is associated with “feelings and emotions,” while the outer child is associated with “intuition and knowing.” As stated, before the traumatic experience, you had no fear and when you heal those lost parts of you, you will again become fearless as there will no longer be an issue. As you can begin to see, using the tools that I share in book 1 to access the sub-conscious Mind, is vital in healing your issues.

Fear is not the problem, the real problem is the shock and denial that created the fear. – Shenreed

The Inner Child

(Copied from Book 1) Psychiatrists and psychologists are aware of the inner child, or as it’s also referred to, the divine child, the wonder child, or the child within. I’m going to briefly describe the way in which an inner child is created as I have come to know through my personal experiences. I must add that the inner and outer child have much in common, as what creates the inner child is directly linked to what creates the outer child. The inner child is usually centered around a person, place or thing, and it is the traumatic and unloving experience that creates future fears and phobias such as fear of water, guns, knives, crowds, speaking in public, dogs, snakes, noise, flashing lights, darkness, etc. Any future experience that is related or similar to this person, place or thing is then associated with the original traumatic or unloving experience. An example would be where a child is being laughed at and ridiculed at school when they are in front of their classmates, reading a story or doing whatever they were asked to do. The confusion, doubt, shame and shock they experience without any real emotional expression sets them up to be imprinted and programmed with a fear of speaking in public that will affect them for the rest of their lives, or until the issue is healed. While the person, place or thing are contributing factors, it’s the denial and suppression of the emotions and any related physical expressions during the experience that does the real internal damage to the psyche. If the person that’s being traumatized can express themselves in the moment without being in denial of any part of themselves, then the whole experience would be changed. But if a person is either not allowed to, or can’t express themselves, and has no one to help them, they are forced to not only endure and accept the traumatic experience, but also deny their real emotional and physical expression. Those denials are what sets the imprints, programs and beliefs in place that will not only affect how they express or don’t express themselves in the future, but also the life experiences that they will draw to themselves from that point on. Fear was not present in the original experience, but the denials and the imprints, programs and beliefs that were put in place after the traumatic experience are what created the fear or terror of having to relive it again.

The inner child still has a link to the conscious Mind, that is to say that we still remember some events and details of our traumatic and shocking childhood experiences that altered us as children and caused us to behave as we do as adults. Usually the person has one or two specific memories of the traumatic experience, and the rest lies buried in the subconscious Mind. What a person does remember is also related to how much time has passed since the original experience, as well as any other activating experiences that they’ve encountered since that original experience that they have also denied. In other words, more denials on top of more denials help bury the memory over time. When there are mental judgments or blocks, (denials) and no further conscious memory of the traumatic experiences, the person will usually have judgments and emotional and physical issues that are directly related to the original traumatic experience. So while there may be no conscious memory, there are always emotional activations and physical evidence that is manifested in the Body that are related to the denied feelings and emotions.

When activated, the Mind, in an attempt to avoid the situation and justify its actions, will express its terror with statements like, “I don’t remember,” or “I won’t survive if I have to go through that again.” When the subconscious is activated by an experience that is similar to the original experience, the person will go on autopilot and will re-act (fight, flight or give up) in an attempt to avoid having to deal with what it thinks is a repeat of the original experience. Besides having an activating experience that’s similar, the person can also be activated or triggered by body and energy work, which I will go into later.

Another form of the inner child is one that holds your denied gifts and talents, and is centered on something that was enjoyed but lost, like music, art, sports, singing, dancing, etc., and again, it’s due to a traumatic experience where you were either suppressed and limited, or you yourself felt guilt and shame, and responsible for another’s happiness. So to stop feeling guilty, you sacrificed yourself to try to be nice, kind and loving to others who were jealous of your talents and who blamed you and your gifts and talents as the cause of their unhappy feelings. Guilt and shame compounded this crippling experience by further limiting your abilities by either getting you to refrain from taking part, or by participating at a level below others. Denial of your gifts and talents was an attempt by your already altered and programmed Mind to try to be accepted by others, by trying to please and make them happy. That action only created more imprints, programs and beliefs that not only affected your gifts and talents, but also spilled over into your other life activities and experiences, the most common being, setting up a pattern of self-sacrifice and being in service to others.

Once you’ve made contact with your inner child, healing is not a simple mental exercise of saying that you’re sorry and making positive affirmations or promising that you’ll do better in the future. Neither is it a matter of allowing yourself to be more creative, as this is not healing the inner child, but merely allowing that part of you that is not repressed, to express itself. Any work that you do with your inner child must be heartfelt and genuine. After becoming aware of your inner child, the most difficult task is to become aware of when you’re being activated by real life situation that relates to your inner child issues, and then to allow yourself to emotionally and physically express what was denied. To enable you to do this, you’ll need to be able to identify your mental judgments and beliefs and also separate your false emotions from the real ones.

Healing an aspect of your inner child will be the first level of healing that you’ll do, as it’s easier to reach and has less conditioning than your outer child. It’s important to remember that in uncovering and healing both the inner and outer child, that the journeys are not the healing experience, but rather are steps in the healing process. While you will have experienced judgment, emotional and physical releases (mini healings) during your semi-controlled journeys, these are not the final healing, but rather, are steps toward healing the inner and then the outer child.

In the course of your healing journey, you’ll have many emotional and physical releases related to your traumatic inner child experiences. These are necessary steps in order for you to build up trust in feeling and expressing your real feelings and emotions so that you’ll be ready when you get activated into a major release and level of healing brought on by a real life experience. After these mini healings, healing a specific inner child will be performed in two stages or phases. The first will be when you’re aware that you’re being activated and triggered (in a safe and known environment) and instead of gapping, you become consciously aware that what you’re thinking, feeling and reacting to are not accurate or true, but are actually judgments, beliefs and false emotions. In that moment of awareness, you need to make the conscious decision to allow yourself to express all your underlying denied and suppressed feelings and emotions that are related to this activation, including any and all physical expressions.

Once you’ve had that mental/emotional/physical breakthrough, the second phase of healing will usually occur within a few days of the first, where you will again be activated and triggered, but this time it will be in an unknown, real life situation, similar to what you experienced in your original traumatic experience. The difference now will be that the emotional charge and shock that was associated with the original experience has moved, as it was released during the first phase of healing when the denied emotions and feelings were expressed. During this second activation, you’ll realize that this is not the same experience as the original traumatic childhood experience, and that you now have a choice to express yourself. You’ll also become aware that you haven’t panicked and gone into your fight, flight or give up mode. Once you’ve expressed yourself and experienced your fear on a new level, you’ll realize that real healing has occurred, as you’re now responding to the situation instead of reacting to it as you had been doing ever since your original traumatic experience. You now realize that you’re no longer denying your fear and that now you’ve become fearless for that particular issue.

Healing is not a quick fix as it takes time as well as sincere and forthright intent and effort. Also know that you can’t heal your issues in private or in a safe and controlled environment, as that was not how your issues were created. For real healing, you will need to face them in the outside world. Another important point is that you don’t just have one inner or outer child, but that you can have several, depending on your experiences. The length of time to heal an inner child is determined by the amount of conditioning, the imprints, programs and beliefs associated with your life experiences, and your intent and dedication to your healing journey. Also, know that no matter what you may think or feel, you will never be given more than you can handle, so what you’re experiencing is exactly what you need to heal your issues, no more, no less. Once you have truly healed your inner child issues you’ll no longer fear facing them in your daily activities, as they will no longer be an issue.

Your inner child is that part of you that has been rejected by the parental or adult part of your Being and has withdrawn from the outer world. It has turned inward on itself with issues of guilt and shame, along with the self-hatred directed towards it by the conscious part of you that has survived and has had to face and deal with the unresolved issues in your outer reality. Although denied, the conscious parental part of you still has memories of this inner child; it’s just that it wants to disassociate itself from any feelings and emotions associated with it. An outer manifestation of this denied inner child is not only a person that is withdrawn, shy and an introvert, but they can also be physically sick, into drugs or even self-mutilation. On the other hand, they can also be outgoing, boisterous, joking and an extrovert, or show signs of what is referred to as being autistic, ADD, ADHD, OCD, Tourettes, etc. Still others can exhibit aggressive and even violent behavior and characteristics. There are many outer reality facades created by the parental part of our Being in its attempt to deny the inner child and the real issues that lay hidden away as the dirty little secret.

The Outer Child

(Copied from Book 1) Most fragmentation occurs when we are children, when we have no choice and no way to unconditionally express ourselves in the way that we need to. When a child has a traumatic experience and has either been denied, or denies expressing their real feelings and emotions, it creates an inner child. If the external experience of mental, emotional and physical abuse continues, or a similar experience is created, it again turns on itself with internal self-hatred. What originally created the inner child was the Minds denied blame directed at the Will and the feelings and emotions that were coming up. Now the Mind attacks the Will again, but this time it’s the Will’s intuition and knowing, (precognition) that senses what will happen before it happens, that the Mind blames as being the cause of the problem, unaware that the Will is only prophetic, and is not creating the experience. The Mind, in its blind ignorance, blames the Will for creating it by bringing awareness to it.

The Mind, seeking to save itself, to survive, will do whatever it deems necessary, even if it means cutting off parts of itself to the point of going numb. Once cut off from its feelings, emotions, intuition and knowing, the Mind then accepts the unloving abuse as a twisted form of love, including setting in place, any number of unloving imprints, programs, beliefs and judgments to justify what it is experiencing. Some of these twisted beliefs and judgments are that self-sacrifice is love, that making other people happy is loving them and that you have to give love to get love, to name a few. To a young Mind that has no help and no other means with which to physically defend itself, it does what it thinks is right to try to make life more tolerable, more endurable, as life is what it desires.

While I stated that most fragmentation occurs when we’re children, we also fragment during traumatic adolescent and adult experiences. An example would be where a person was involved in a physical accident and were injured. They are either in a severe state of shock, or they were knocked unconscious and don’t have any memory of the experience. While they don’t remember their accident, they might remember having a near death experience that will be associated with the fragmentation, and that is something that they will also have to face in healing their outer child. Another might be in the case of a woman or man being raped, or of being attacked by a person or persons, or by a wild animal. In such experiences, the person may have mentally blocked or blanked out the experience, and is not able to recall the most traumatic moments.

It has been my experience that the first experiences touched during these journeys are those of an adolescent inner child, as these experiences are the most recent and least denied. With further exploration, you’ll be able to go back to earlier experiences, and eventually to the original cause in this lifetime. I said original cause in this lifetime on purpose, as there are also other causes that are linked to this lifetime and our physical experiences. Our present life experiences also have ties to past lives in which the same issues were experienced, but were left unresolved with the person’s death. Some call this process karma as a way to explain how we create our present reality based on some actions in the past. Healing the present inner child and then the outer child issues, will also resolve any related past life issues that have been brought forward. That’s why I’ve included past life journeys in this book, as sometimes exploring a past life will help find your issues in this lifetime.

With a traumatic experience and fragmentation, our chakras, or energy centers and aura become discolored and distorted, and we can even have holes or dark energy masses on our chakras, and in our aura. We also have attachments to other people, places and things in our energy field. This is how and where our denied emotional energy, as well as any unloving energy that we accepted and took in during the experience is stored in our physical/etheric Bodies. If health and balance are to be restored to all parts of our Being, then the denied emotions need to be expressed and the energy that is not ours, needs to be released and sent back to where it belongs. When fragmentation occurs, a part of our Spiritual Essence is now placed outside the main Spiritual Body that forms and animates our physical Body. When we fragment, we are actually creating an outer child with magnetic emotional energy that takes on the form and appearance of the physical Body when the fragmentation took place. That means that if we fragmented as a child, that child part of us takes on the physical appearance at the time of fragmentation and now follows the adult part of us. While it is denied and not accepted as a part of our Being, it has nowhere to go, and so it follows us around, feeling lost, alone, unloved and unwanted, which is what we feel, but don’t realize why we are feeling these emotions when we appear to have everything that we desire. After fragmentation, we go through life feeling that something is missing or lacking in our life. We seek to ease the pain and fill the hole in our Heart with other people, places or things, but in reality, what we are really searching for are these lost fragmented pieces of ourselves that we need to bring back within ourselves, to be a part of us again, to make us whole.

As the adult parental aspect, (the part of you that survived) you’re not consciously aware of your outer child that is lost in space and time. You can’t directly heal it, yet the only person that can get in touch with it and heal it is you, the person they belong to. And it is only you, the one that is reading this book that has to make the conscious heartfelt intent to go back for these lost parts of yourself by starting with what you can remember with the inner child and then moving to recover the outer child. Right now you may be having doubts that what I’m saying is true because you’d certainly remember any traumatic incident or lost or outer child. But that’s just the point I’m making, you’re NOT aware of this outer child because if you were, you wouldn’t be searching and longing to fill the emptiness that you feel inside you, and neither would you be drawn to reading this book, as there are no coincidences. While your lost inner and outer child aren’t able to communicate directly with your Mind, your Higher Self is very well aware of them, but the problem is that you’re also not consciously aware of your Higher Self that is trying to communicate with you about your issues and your fragmentation. So the only way that your Higher Self can communicate with your Mind is by creating situations and experiences that will remind your conscious Mind of what it has denied and rejected that needs to be healed. While you may think that the unpleasant things that are happening to you are not for your benefit, it’s actually your Higher Self trying to get your attention to help you, help yourself, and itself, in the process.

To heal your outer child, you need to begin by working with your inner child in healing and releasing the feelings and emotions of the traumatic experiences that you do remember. Once you begin to move and heal your inner child, you’ll notice that the more layers you uncover, the more intense the activations and the closer you’re getting to your outer child. You will also notice that you will not only be expressing your feelings and emotions, but also identifying what your intuition had picked up but was also denied, or is picking up, but is still being denied by your conscious Mind when you are being activated. The other thing that will become evident with each healing step, is that you’ll begin to identify and release more of your imprints, programs, beliefs and especially, judgments. The outer child is also centered on imprints, programs and beliefs that are associated with several different experiences and therefore can’t be resolved as quickly as an inner child experience, as there is no one thing to focus on. It has to be unraveled, issue upon issue, judgment release upon judgment release and layer upon layer. By issues, I mean issues like having a fear of being alone, abandoned, rejected, shunned, hated, unloved or attacked, or the fear of; asking, telling, confronting, expressing your intuition, being wrong, of hurting another’s feelings, etc. All these issues don’t deal with a specific person, place or thing, or even a single experience, but involve many experiences that while they are separate, they are also connected, but they will have to be unraveled one at a time to be healed.

Without an expanded conscious awareness, trying to directly access the subconscious Mind in an attempt to find the outer child is next to impossible. There is heavy conditioning and programming in the subconscious Mind that reacts and gaps to any form of activation for reasons that it’s not even aware of anymore, as it’s running on blind imprints and programs. And similar to healing the inner child, there’s also no warning or awareness of who, what, when, where, or how you will be activated, or to even recognize that your activation is a possible healing and awakening experience. What the conscious Mind needs to do is to become aware of when it’s being activated or triggered into the issues I previously mentioned. It needs to realize that it has gone on autopilot, that it has begun to react, (fight, flight or give up) and is entering into what is also known as the gap, the no man’s land where the outer child resides. Unlike healing the inner child, the outer child has only one stage or level, which just so happens to be during a spontaneous real life activation dealing with issues that will be unknown at the time. It’s at this time, just before the Mind enters the gap and you’re about to react and go into your fight, flight or give up mode, that a choice needs to be made to end denials and enter the gap with unconditional love. Within this one stage of healing there are actually three steps, the activation, the awakening, and then the responding with love to the present activation.

When you’re in your activation, while it will be associated with the mini healings and the emotional and physical releases you’ve already had with healing an inner child, you will have no clue as to what issues you’re really dealing with until you choose to accept and express your Will (intuition and knowing). It’s only after you have allowed your Will to express itself that you will have the awareness of what the real issues are that you are healing at this time. What the Will (Intuition and knowing) needs to express and say is what you have never allowed yourself to express when you were feeling the presence of another’s denials and unlovingness. This is about taking your power back, as what you’re expressing will usually be about the other person and what they are saying or doing, or not saying or doing. During this experience, you’ll also have insights as to what is really going on and why you were afraid to challenge another and to speak your truth. This experience not only begins to heal your fears and issues, it also begins to empower you and make you fearless, as it transforms you with an awareness that you have never known before. This acceptance and expression of your intuition is what will bring this outer child fragment back inside your energy field. You will then have the conscious awareness and understandings of what was triggering you and what you were doing by your denials that pushed and kept this lost fragment away from you. When you finally respond to the activation with loving acceptance for your Will, it will be a life-altering event.

Healing the outer child is all about being in the moment and responding to what’s happening now. This experience will relate to your issues of not expressing yourself, not speaking up, not challenging another, and of feeling responsible for hurting another’s feelings. Most importantly, it’s about trusting your intuition and allowing it to express its truth, although your Mind has no idea what the truth is, as your Mind can’t feel, and so it must trust the Will. Denial of this form of expression is what you shut down originally to create the outer child fragment, and is something that you’ve never done in the past, and that’s how the past is related to the present, as now, in the moment that you’re activated, you’re not denying yourself. This is all about loving and accepting your Will and allowing its free expression, free Will.

But getting to this point is difficult as trust is a big issue. It’s not only about getting your Mind to trust that this process is going to work and that you will survive, but also in getting your Will and the inner and outer child to trust your Mind, to trust that this isn't just another trick and that when things get tough and you get activated, that you’re not going to keep your word and "walk your talk," but will just slip back into your old imprints, programs and beliefs and abandon them again. Having to repeat will mean that you’ll also have to deal with all the emotions and feelings that come up due to your past failures. Each time you back-slide into your old habits and have a relapse, the gap between your Mind and your Will, and your inner and outer child, gets bigger and bigger and healing becomes more difficult and the activations more intense. But that’s not a bad thing, it just means that you have a big emotional charge and many issues, imprints, programs and beliefs to deal with, otherwise you would have "gotten it" sooner.

This awakening is not the end, it’s the beginning, as healing the outer child will be the lifting and tearing of the veil of what you had believed was truth and love. It’s the beginning of the awareness of the illusions that you call reality and the reality you’ve dismissed as the illusion. Now you need to make a choice if this new world is what you desire and if so, then you will need to “walk your talk” and live your truth. You will also find that once you have gotten to this stage or level of healing that it will be next to impossible to go back, as now you will have greater conscious awareness of your denials, whereas before you were not aware of them.

Chapter 13 - Attachments and Voices

In the course of my journey, I’ve come to discover that clearing our attachments is one of the first things that we need to do if healing is our intent. I stated earlier that we are ignorantly addicted to hate thinking it is love, and we’re also, in an unloving way, addicted or attached to people, places and things that we believe we love and can’t exist without. The most common attachments to people are to parents, partner, mate, children, family, relatives, friends, etc. Places can be a home, work, town, city, or even a piece of land. Our attachments to things can be just about to anything that we feel we need to possess to make us happy. Of course, things also include our thoughts and feelings, and by far the strongest attachments are to one’s religious beliefs, followed by social customs and traditions. Attachments to these thought forms also include our memories and judgments. While most attachments are to living people and to physical places and things, you can also have attachments that are non-physical, that is to say, to deceased people, animals, objects, and even to places you may never have been to in this lifetime. Attachments to people are always two-way, meaning you are attached to them and they to you, while attachments to places and things are usually one-way.

Attachments are not simple to release as they are twisted and intertwined with each other and your issues. Whatever issues you have in your life, you can be sure that there are attachments involved. While attachments appear to be to physical people, places and things, it’s actually the energy between them that forms the attachment. As long as you are attached to a person, place or thing, you can’t be free as there will always be someone or something that prevents you from changing the status quo, and if you don’t desire or want change, then healing is impossible. Attachments prevent you from moving, from expressing yourself without denial. As an example, you may have an attachment to a parent but you are afraid to express yourself and challenge your parent for fear of being abandoned. If you are afraid to express yourself for fear of losing what you think is love, then you are in self-hatred, and your intent is bent, as you have no intent to make any changes to empower yourself. Hearing a parents or another’s voice inside your head every time you want to say or do something is a sure sign of an attachment.

Releasing attachments is one of the first tests of your intent to end denials because in releasing the attachment, you also have to walk your talk. If you walk your talk, your truth, you will feel it in the moment you end your denials. If you haven’t released the attachment and aren’t walking your talk, you’ll also know it as whatever issues were surrounding that attachment will continue to be experienced, or to quote a popular acronym, SSDD (Same Shit Different Day). An attachment is like a rubber band that keeps pulling you back. The problem is that you can’t just say you are going to release it, you need to do it (walk your talk) by the heartfelt expression of the feelings and emotions associated with the attachment. It is then, and only then, that you can begin to work on healing your issues as you are also beginning to free yourself from the guilt and shame that has been preventing you from expressing yourself and releasing the attachment. While I gave a parent as an example, attachments can be to anyone or everyone that is in your life, mainly because of your twisted beliefs of what love is.

Like I said earlier, ending the attachments is also ending the denials that were keeping you locked in the self-sacrificing and self-hatred mentality that was slowly draining and killing you. Releasing attachments is the beginning of the healing journey, where you begin to see the results and the fruits of your labor. Once you have truly released an attachment it will feel like a great weight has been lifted from you, or that a veil or fog has lifted and you can see more clearly. It’s then that you also begin to see and feel what self-love is really all about. But, here comes the proverbial but again, when you release your specific attachment and gain healing and understanding, you will now be faced with other issues. At times, you may feel that there is no end in sight, or you may feel that you have jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. You may feel overwhelmed, but know that you are never given more than you can handle and with each attachment release, you gain another foothold, a stepping-stone, an experience that allows you to move forward to enable you to heal the next issue. With every trial and tribulation that you face without denial, you move ever closer to a major level of healing that will empower you to go even deeper and heal and recover even more of your lost essence.

Attachments and Denial

Try as you might to change your outer reality, it is not going to work or last until you change your inner reality and yourself. Trying to change your outer reality is an attempt to either re-create or run from the past, by trying to fulfill your expectations and live your dream. The reason you are unable to escape from what feels like a not so merry-go-round or a bottomless pit, is that you still have attachments to people, places or things, and as long as you have attachments, you can’t be free and empowered as you feel you are dependent on them, or that they need you. You desire freedom, but remain a prisoner as long as you are attached to the things that prevent you from being free.

You try to re-create the past when you are not happy with the present moment. You remember those happy moments and that gives you a temporary quick fix, but then when reality sets in, you feel heartbroken as you feel that you have lost your hopes, dreams and desires, and maybe even your youth and innocence. The reason you are living in the past is because you are still attached to it, to people, places or things. Healing and releasing attachments is a matter of choice but if all you do is talk about what you did, or what you will do, then of course you will have no hope that anything will change as change requires action in the present moment. The first action that is required is releasing your attachments to the past, as that is what is stopping you from being in the present. If you are unwilling to release your attachments you can’t move and be in the present moment, and all that you will experience is the not so merry-go-round that locks you in a downward spiral of heartbreak and hopelessness.

If you are not trying to re-live the happy or good times of the past, then you are running from it. A common way that people try to deal with their attachments is to try to distance themselves from their issues, which is another form of denial. The reason you want to distance yourself from a person, place or thing is because you have undesirable feelings and emotions that you haven’t been able to escape from. You think you can solve your problem by removing yourself from the situation, but this issue is not physical, but in the form of an energy attachment. Until you are willing to find the underlying reasons for the attachments and then release them with heartfelt intent and action, nothing changes, and until you have released your attachments, you can’t begin to heal your issues as all that you are doing is in a state of denial.

In my first book “Journeys from the Heart Centre,” I share the tools that will help you release your attachments along with other tools to help you get out of the pit that you feel you are in. While I give you the tools and understandings, you need to use and apply them when activated into your attachment issues, or all that you will get out of it are just words from another book. Reading the book is not enough, you need to use the tools and do the meditation/visualization journeys in order to help you empower yourself.

Lost Hopes - Dreams and Desires

Lost hopes, dreams and desires are related to attachments, to experiences where you had the opportunity to fulfill your dreams and desires, but you were either denied the experience, or you denied it yourself. Now as much as you hope and long for another opportunity to relive the experience as you would like to do things differently, it’s also futile, as that moment has passed and things have changed. It’s impossible to even pretend and deny that the original experience ever happened, as even wanting a second chance means that you were imprinted and programmed when the original experience was denied. With that realization comes the feeling of heartbreak as well as anger and rage at yourself for being held back, or for holding yourself back. While these feelings and emotions are quick to surface, what is harder to reach and also the most important is your denied terror, and why you felt your terror was correct at that time in denying the experience. Lost hopes, dreams and desire attachments can be to people, places and things and seeing others enjoy what you desire can activate the Mind into trying to re-live or capture what it feels it lost or never had the opportunity to experience.

While on the surface the problem appears to be one thing, the underlying issue is hidden by the unseen role of denial. While our present lost hopes, dreams and desires have their roots buried in past experiences in this lifetime, they are also connected to our past lives where we had similar issues, and is the reason they are brought forward in this lifetime for healing. Lifetime after lifetime, try as we might, our hopes, dreams and desires were dashed and never fulfilled. They always ended in failure and if not failure, then death put an end to them for us. Yes, some were fulfilled, but all were short lived and eventually they crumbled and fell. For those of us that desire love and life, these lost hopes, dreams and desires show us that we have experienced the opposite.

The greater the attachment to a lost experience, the greater the drive to relive it that can even become obsessive to the point of having to pursue and obtain their objectives at any cost. This person will defend their point-of-view by making all kinds of statements and promises that this will change their life, and will make them feel alive and give their life purpose and meaning. In the case of trying to relive a failed endeavor or relationship, they vow that this time things will be different, that they will not fail. They sincerely believe that doing this is what will heal and empower them. A person trying to relive the past will also sound like a broken record in that there will be constant references to what they did, and who or what was to blame for their previous lack of success and failure, and what they will or won’t do in the future. They want to prove to the world and themselves that they will do it this time, that they will succeed and with that will come the love and happiness they desire. Even if they get what they think they want and need, they are never satisfied or fulfilled as there is always something missing, that time was lost or that youth was wasted.

When activated into our lost hopes, dreams and desires, we are not in the moment as we are either attached to the past, or to future expectations and projections (which are indirectly related to our past) of desired experiences that we hope will bring the happiness we have never known. Besides what was denied and lost, the Mind also remembers past experiences with people, places or things that made it happy and then tries to relive those happy moments by recreating them as best it can. This desire isn’t coming from a place of self-acceptance and love, but is instead an attachment to feel good experiences. When these imprints and programs stir the Mind, it tries to recapture those past moments of happiness or glory, while at the same time, refusing to look inward at the wounded parts that it has denied and cast off, and are dying from lack of love and acceptance.

Another aspect of a person trying to recapture their lost hopes, dreams and desires is through another person. They recognize that they can’t do it themselves, but they see the opportunity in another and so they will become obsessive in persuading or forcing another to live their glory for them. The most typical of these is a parent trying to relive their lost hopes, dreams and desires through their children. Putting them into soccer, baseball, hockey, acrobatics, ballet, dance, music or whatever other activity they feel will bring them what they feel they lost. They are trying to relive their lives through their children, and even if the children are not really interested, they continue to do what their parents expect as they want to please them and make them happy, because if they don’t, then the parents will be miserable and take out their frustrations on them.

Inner Voices - Mind control

There is a voice inside your head that hates you and wants to control your Mind. It knows that when it has control of your Mind, it also has control over the rest of you, your Will, Heart and Body. When it has control, it can slowly squeeze the life out of you. This is not the voice of your Mind, nor is it the voice of your Heart, Will or Body, but it will try to tell you that it is. This is the unloving voice that plays Mind games with you, bewildering and confusing you, keeping you in denial and therefore, unaware of its presence and intent. This is the voice of the inner critic, or, as it also likes to be referred to, the voice of conscience or reason. The inner critic is a reversed polarity Luciferian aspect of your higher self that is trying to set itself up as being your loving Higher Self.

While you have been aware of this inner voice, you have confused it with your own Mind and have been allowing it to control you, your life and your destiny. While you may state that you have loving intent, you ignorantly deny the other parts of your Being by allowing this voice to control you. In so doing, you unconsciously become the do’er of evil that is unloving and indifferent to the other parts of your Being, as well as to others that you experience in your outer reality. Oblivious to this form of Mind control, you adamantly defend your position and judgments, stating that it is the other people that are unloving and trying to control you, when in reality, it’s you that is allowing yourself to be controlled by this inner critic, and to then have your denials and unlovingness reflected to you in your outer reality.

Unfortunately, the inner critic is not the only voice in your head that you will have to deal with. Another voice you hear is that of your denied rage that will strike out at others or at self, whenever you are activated into one of your unresolved issues and you gap. This is the voice of hate, loathing, blame, criticism and judgments. When denied rage is triggered or activated, there is no reasoning or negotiating with it, and it will continue to rage until it has burned itself out. This rage is, and isn’t, a part of you. When you had anger and rage at what was being done to you, but you either denied or weren’t allowed to express it, you not only accepted their denied anger and rage into your Being, but you also stopped and reversed your own loving anger and rage. Reversing your anger and rage also reversed its polarity, meaning that while it was moving with loving intent to protect you, it now has an unloving intent that will attack anyone or anything, including you, that it deems to be a threat similar to the one that was denied in the original experience. Once you begin to feel and express your Will, you can heal your denied anger and rage and also release the unloving denial anger and rage that you took in, and allow it to move to its right place.

You also have two other unloving voices in your head that you are familiar with and that is the voice of guilt and shame. They try to stop any Will movement, in that whatever you do, it’s a no win situation. Guilt makes you feel that you are bad or wrong for doing, or saying, or for not doing or not saying something. Once guilt has finished pummeling you, shame gets to pounce on you, to infuse you with even more self-hatred.

I previously stated that our attachments are in an energy form and that means that we can also have thoughts or hear the voices of people that we are attached to, even if they are not near us. We hear their thoughts and voices being played over and over in our head, repeating the same old message. Of course when you change what you are doing and if you happen to activate another old program related to that attachment, then the message also changes. But, here is that but again! There is more. There are also other voices that are trying to control you and those are ones that are in the Astral plane. These can be in the form of deceased love ones that are there because of attachments, or they can be in the form of demons and entities that are in alignment with the other voices inside you that are controlling you. While the forces of unlovingness are at work, there are also the voices of love that are trying to speak to you. But, another but, you have to discern who is who and again, the unloving entities will also be nice, caring and loving to get you to do their bidding. All these voices need to be challenged, and just for the record, any loving entity will never demand or tell you what you should or shouldn’t think, say or do, as they will acknowledge that you have free Will and choice. They will also answer any question promptly and directly and will never beat around the bush or evade your questions, or chide you for asking and doubting their comments.

Now that you are aware that there are other voices inside your head trying to get your attention in order to control or help you, you need to also differentiate them from the voices of your Mind, Will, Heart and Body. To do that, you need to begin to challenge these voices to find out who is who. These unloving voices can be blatantly unloving, or they will seem kind, caring, loving and nurturing, using whatever method works to get you to do their bidding. As long as you try to figure it out with only your Mind, you will be lost and will continue to be in a fog as you also need to include the other parts of your Being, especially your Will that is able to differentiate between what is loving and what is not loving by how it feels. If you only give a half-hearted attempt at ending this form of control of your Being, you are by choice, allowing it to happen and are giving your power away in a state of denial. You will know that what I say is true as there will be this small voice inside you that is saying that it needs to be released and expressed. That still small voice is the voice of your Heart that also wants you to allow your Will and Body to express themselves unconditionally.

As you can see, what is happening inside you is but a reflection of what is happening in your outer reality. Different people, be it parents, siblings, relatives, friends, or those in religions, government, media, business, medical, education, financial, military, etc., are all vying to control you in some form or another. As long as your Mind is being controlled by any unloving inner voice, you will continue to experience it in your outer reality, and even though you deny or think it is not affecting you directly in the moment, it will, sooner or later.

You’re afraid of being hated and rejected by others only because you are already doing a good job of it to yourself. - Shenreed

Using the Other Voices

The Inner Critic, guilt, shame and some aspects of the denied rage in you are not a part of your Being. If you really listen, and especially feel what they are trying to get you to do, you will see that they are not encouraging you to end your denials and go back and recover the lost parts of you, but are instead, trying to prevent you from doing so. They may sound like they are giving you loving and compassionate advice, but you will know that what they were saying was just more rhetoric, when you realize that nothing has changed and that you’re simply repeating the cycle with the same issues, albeit in a different time and form. Separating them from the voices that are you, your Mind, Will, Body and Heart, and the voices of your Higher Self and loving guides is what will help you heal your issues and become empowered. While recognizing the other voices and listening to what they have to say is important, the underlying reason why these conditionally loving and critical voices are there is really what needs to be addressed. It's well enough that the inner critic can tell you what to do or not to do, but the underlying issue is why are you being activated by this experience and why does this voice want you to re-act in a certain way? If there was no so-called button to push, no one on the outside could push it to activate you and the inner critic or whoever, would be silent and have nothing to say.

I've found that by challenging the unloving inner voices that are here to misguide and control me, that I can get a lot of information as to why they are hanging around and how they work. Once I can feel and see what I have missed, what I was denying, they are gone like the wind. When you challenge an unloving voice with direct questions and express what you are feeling, you will always get some form of denial or avoidance in getting a straight answer, or they will attack you. Any voice that is of unconditional love will never tell you what you need to do, but will instead try to open your Mind to the possibilities that you need to consider. They will always state that whatever you do is your choice and will never take offense, or question your right to challenge what they are saying. In fact, they welcome your free Will and your expression of it.

I now look forward to having any inner or other voices come to try to influence me as that means that I'm getting close to doing something that they don't want me to do, as they only try to stop me from doing something that takes their power away. As long as I'm in denial or afraid to challenge them, they have me where they want me, and that is afraid to move out of my comfort zone, and in that, healing is impossible. In reality, when I’m in denial and in denial of challenging them, I’m actually feeding them my energy and giving away my power.

Changing others is Lucifer’s plan, changing self is Gods plan. – Shenreed

Chapter 14 - Control and Protection

Being in control of your life doesn’t give you freedom, it makes you a prisoner of your own judgments and conditions. Having to be in control is based on a denied fear of having no power or control. These imprints, programs and beliefs set you up to be in a state of constant vigilance and anxiety, as you are always trying to maintain control of other people or things around you so that you feel powerful and safe. If you feel you are powerless and have no control over the outside world that is affecting you, then you try to control yourself to avoid anyone or anything that you feel is trying to control or attack you. You may feel you need to isolate yourself or surround yourself in a protective bubble that will keep others out and you safe, but the bubble also makes you a prisoner of your own beliefs and judgments. While you may feel that your method of control works, when examined, you will really see how confined and limited your world really is.

To have the freedom you desire, instead of trying to be in control of your outer reality or controlling yourself, you need to do the opposite and let go of being in control. Letting go and doing the opposite of what you believe keeps you safe, goes against all your instincts that are based on your imprints, programs and beliefs, and that is the hardest thing you need to face if healing is your intent. You need to understand that your real issue of control is that of controlling your Will and in not trusting your intuition, feelings and emotions and allowing them free expression. Freedom and free Will is about speaking up and expressing yourself in the moment when your imprints, programs and beliefs, or others, say that you should be quiet. The normal (denial) thing that you have been doing is to keep your mouth shut, and then, after the fact, when you feel safe, you angrily complain that others said this or that, or did this or did that to offend or attack you. It’s the freedom that you give yourself that not only sets you free from being controlled by others, but also for your need to be in control of others. It also gives you the freedom to explore the whole world and not just what is in the confines of your little protective bubble. Wanting others to change to make you happy is a control issue and is an example of the unseen role of denial.

Feeling that you are being controlled by others is a reflection of what you are doing to yourself. – Shenreed

Control and Blame

When in denial, the Mind is obsessed with issues of either being in control, or of not being in control. There is no middle ground and things will be either black or white, with me or against me. Once in control, it will fight (rage) to remain in control as that is what it deems is its source of power. As I mentioned earlier, when the Mind is in denial and in the gap, it’s not the Mind that is in control, but the other voices that are coaching and controlling the Mind that are in the real position of power. When you are in denial and especially in denial of being in denial, it’s like your Mind is on auto-pilot, or that your input receptors are damaged or closed. While there is information being inputted to the Mind, nothing is getting through. It’s like a radio that has been tuned off station, and even though the radio station is broadcasting, all that you hear is static and noise. It is unable to receive any real input or information, other than from the unloving voices, and the only information that is being sent out is what the voices say is truth and reality. When a person is in denial and in their gap, there is no reasoning with them and any attempt to make them see their denials will only generate more anger and rage that needs to burn itself out, and even then, it will be smoldering, waiting for another opportunity to prove itself right.

While you may try to plan and control your life to avoid conflict and being blamed by people that are angry, there is nothing that you can say or do that will ever avoid all conflict, and even capitulation is only a temporary solution. Either what you say or do will be wrong, or in the wrong way, or at the wrong time, or it’s what you didn’t say or do that is wrong, and if it’s not you personally, then it’s your message that is wrong, etc. Trying to control your life to avoid any conflict is a no win situation. The only way out is to heal your issues because then you will not be reacting to anyone’s outburst of blame or rage, as you will know how to respond to it, should it be directed toward you. Again, there is nothing that you can do to help a person that has gapped and is in denied rage, as it is their responsibility and choice to end their denials when they have been activated. What is important is that you don’t deny expressing your real feelings and emotions and accept their denied blaming rage energy into you. If you do, then you will need to not only work on sending their energy back to them and reclaiming your essence that you gave them or that they took from you, but you will also need to find the underlying reasons why you denied your real expression in the first place. Once you know the reason, you will then need to heal that issue or it will happen again, as this is really just another form of an attachment. Denial is what makes life complicated.

Methods Used to Control Others

Being intimidated was a big issue for me, as it was part of my imprinting that said I needed to be nice and kind to others, even when I felt they were being unloving to me. This intimidation took on many forms and disguises and during the course of my journey, it was by trial and error that I slowly began to not only see the power plays, but also see and feel how they were working on me through my denials. This allowed me to go even deeper into identifying the intent and denials of others that were subtly setting me up to be in control of me according to my old imprints, programs and beliefs. I had to have several experiences of going in circles until I finally realized that it was me and my denial of my Will that was creating the cycling. Once I became aware of my conscious denials and ended them by expressing my Will in the moment I was being activated, the cycling stopped for that issue. Of course, that only applied to the denials that I was aware of and not the unseen role of denial that was still at play with other issues.

In the course of my journey I’ve found that there are four major methods that people use to manipulate and control another.

1) Intimidation

2) Interrogation

3) Aloof - withdrawn

4) The “oh poor me”

There are also other versions and combinations that they use, and they will flip from one to another in an attempt to confuse and bewilder you, and if you try to mentally figure out what is going on, you will just get lost as you are already in denial, and so their methodology works very well. There’s an old saying that supports this mentality of how others control you, if all you use is your Mind to try to find the truth, and that is, “Bullshit baffles brains.” While that statement is a truth, it is only a part truth as I would add the phrase, “but it can never fool your Will,” as it is your Will that really knows what is going on.

I can remember being frustrated with a person that kept changing her story or saying that I never heard right, or that I misinterpreted what she was saying, or outright denying she said what she did. I felt I was being controlled and manipulated and that she was just using me to act out her, “Oh poor me” drama. I remember writing down what she said and when I read it back to her, it would always be twisted, ignored and denied. I went so far as to record our conversations and then when I played them back she would say, “Well that’s not what I meant,” or “This is different,” or “Why are you being like this, what is your problem?” If those comments and guilt didn’t throw me off and make me go back into denial, then she would utter other avoidance and denial statements to get me to do so.

After I had finished learning my denial lessons, that being nice, kind, loving, sharing, caring, understanding, co-operative, compromising, etc., and giving the benefit of the doubt to others instead of my Will, was not being loving to myself, that’s when the lights came on and I made a major shift. I chose to express my Will, my intuition, knowing, feelings and emotions and when I did, I was no longer controlling myself, nor did I feel I was being controlled, I now felt empowered. Of course she didn’t see it that way as I was no longer doing all the phony things I was doing before, that helped her play out her controlling “Oh poor me” role. She then flipped to the intimidation role and attacked me with her denied rage, and then later, switched to the aloof and withdrawal mode where she stayed for some time. But like I’ve said before, it doesn’t matter what the other person does, or doesn’t do, what is important is what you do.

Balance and Control

People talk of being balanced, but in actuality what they’re really talking about is being in control and not being triggered into their denied issues. When we’ve healed our issues, we’re in balance as what used to activate us no longer does. We’re no longer running from one end of the denial teeter-totter to the other end looking for balance in our life, we are living it.

Being in control is not the same as being in balance. The problem created by people looking for balance in their lives is that they ignorantly expect the other person to move or behave in a certain way (known only to them) that will give them a feeling of balance and being in control. If the other person moves in the wrong direction, at the wrong time, or in the wrong way, (which they always do unless they are in denial) the person looking for balance, (or control) claims that the other person is either attacking them, not co-operating, or whatever form of blame surfaces as a result of their denied issues and imprints that are being activated.

The blindness, ignorance and irony in all this is that the person that is looking to be in balance fails to see that the only person on the teeter-totter that is rocking their boat, so to speak, is themselves. Each is oblivious to the fact that they are on separate teeter-totters and are not even touching one another, yet each is demanding that the other move in such a way that will allow the other to feel that they have control and balance of the teeter-totter which they think they share. If it wasn’t so pathetic, it would be funny.

Of course if they don't like the end of the teeter-totter that they are on, they can always run to the opposite end and be firmly rooted in their new point-of-view, that now, because they are doing and experiencing the opposite of what they were, they think they’ve found balance. On one end of the denial teeter-totter, they blame other people, places and things, and on the opposite end, they blame themselves and everything in them. Where there is blame and judgment there are control issues and there is no balance. Balance occurs when there is no blame and no denials because there are no issues being triggered. To be in balance, we need to first be in balance with our inner Being, our Mind, Will, Heart and Body, and unless we find our inner balance we can't possibly hope to find balance in the outer world, and to find this inner balance, we need to give up being in control.

Control - Form Change

A popular misconception that people have about healing is when a person changes what is considered an unacceptable behavior, either towards themselves or towards others, and now does the opposite of what they were doing. Society naively takes this action as being a positive move, that the person has taken control of their lives and has even healed their issue. Common examples are if a person has an alcohol, drug or smoking problem and they stop using them. Another is when a person that is physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to others changes their behavior and becomes kind and caring, or on the opposite end, when a person in an abusive relationship leaves the relationship. Another common example is a person that has an eating obsession and is obese, and then goes on a diet and loses a lot of weight. While these situations are seen as positive changes in a person’s lifestyle, they are not any real form of healing, but rather a form change, where they are moving from one end of the denial teeter-totter to the opposite end.

Part of this false healing issue is the unresolved childhood issues that the person hasn’t addressed, and the internal struggle that they have been fighting ever since they fragmented and were imprinted and programmed. A different path doesn’t mean that they have healed their issues, it just means that now they choose to express it in a different manner. This scenario plays itself out in countless other form changes where people switch off the old program and adopt a new, more socially acceptable one. They might even go through this transformation with the help of such groups as AA, the 12-step program, a rehab centre, a diet program or even through a church in finding a religion that has somehow saved them from the path they were on. All these form changes are not healing the real issue that created the behavior or addiction in the first place. They are not healing the cause, merely treating the symptom to make it look more socially acceptable.

Chapter 15 - The Gap and Denial

The dictionary defines the word gap as:

(1) a narrow opening or empty space between things.

(2) A difference (especially an unfortunate difference) between two opinions, views or situations.

(3) An act of delaying or interrupting the continuity.

Having a gap and gapping in interpersonal relationships is a situation where there are differing and conflicting points-of-view that result in a breakdown of any meaningful communication. Many new age and RUOW people that I have had discussions with, talk of bridging the gap, meaning, finding a way to cross the gap that is separating them from effectively communicating with others and in reaching a mutual consensus, where both parties appear to connect and benefit, or what is also known as a win-win situation.

This approach is basically a form of bargaining, of trying to find some common ground to end the conflict. When there is a gap, the only way that there can be any form of denial-based peace is if one or the other chooses to accept the others point-of-view as their own, whether it’s genuine or done just to end the conflict, the outcome is the same. With denial and capitulation there is commonality and the conflict ends as they will have found a temporary bridge across their respective denials and issues that creates the facade that both parties are happy. While it appears the intent is positive and proactive, it’s yet another denial based problem solving approach by building a bridge over the gap, which is really no different than avoiding or going around it, as both methods are based in denial of the real problem or issue, that being the gap itself and what created it.

The real questions that need to be asked and answered are. What is this gap? What is it that is separating us? What are we not agreeing on? What am I feeling that disturbs me? Who, what, where, when, why and how am I being activated? What am I trying to prove or defend? How does this experience relate to past experiences? And the list goes on and on. It’s not about what is happening with the other person or group that is important, but what is happening within you. It’s not about bridging the gap with others, but in going into the gap to explore the issues that are activating you, and then in healing this gap within yourself. The gap is not between you and the other person, it is within you. What you think is a gap between you and the other person or group, is merely a reflection of your own inner gap.

Bridging also implies that the gap is a space, hole, defect, or wound that is a problem, an obstacle that needs to be bypassed, crossed or overcome, while healing suggests finding the cause of the space, hole, defect or wound and then healing or closing it, returning it to its original state of being. To heal the gap, we need to find the source and cause of the gap, and what’s in our gap in the present or now moment. When we do, we can then have open and honest dialogues and experiences with others that have also healed their gap, which is what we desire. Heart (love) needs to make the connection between Spirit (Mind) and Soul (Will) that was never created because of the damage that occurred in original cause. Heart needs to be born in the gap. That means that when we are activated and about to gap and react to our old denial based imprints, programs and beliefs, we need to do the opposite of what we have always done, and I don’t mean going to the opposite end of the denial teeter-totter, I mean ending the denials we have held as truths. We only have a split second to make a choice in the present or now moment and it is our choice that determines if we enter the gap in denial or with love (Heart) presence. If we enter with Love, Heart is born in the gap and healing can begin to take place. Again, it’s all about you, and the person that you are trying to have an open and meaningful dialogue with will also have to do the same, so that both are not in denial, as denial creates the conflict and the gap.

Gapping Verses Being in the Now

When we are being activated by an outside reflection into our unresolved issues, our imprints, programs and beliefs would have us either fight, run or give up. When we do that, we are running on auto-pilot and we gap. Instead of responding to the situation with love, we react to it with trepidation and loathing. To begin to understand what the gap and gapping is we also need to understand what the “now” or present moment is, and also be aware of what denial is. There are two basic definitions of what being in the now, or the present moment is. The first and most common definition is in not being concerned with any past or future experience and being totally focused on what we are experiencing in the present moment. The second, more metaphysical definition is about detaching our Mind from our feelings, emotions and physical surroundings and becoming aware of, and connecting to our spiritual “I Am” presence, like what one experiences in a denial based meditation. While the first focuses on the present physical moment and experience, it fails to recognize the intent and the unseen role of denial, as well as the role that our imprints, programs and beliefs have on our present experiences. The second goes even further into denial by disassociating our Mind from any feelings and emotions or physical sensations and focusing only on the blissful reverie of our Spiritual experience.

I’d now like to offer a third definition which is a combination of the two, but without denial present. Like I previously mentioned, to understand what the “now” is you also need to be aware of what denial is. The first definition of being in the now is the one that we are most familiar with in our daily lives. People are under the impression that when they are expressing their present thoughts, feelings and emotions that they are in the now, but that is only a part truth. While they may be in the present moment (chronological time), they are not fully “present” in that moment. That is not to say that a person cannot be functioning partly in the present moment if what they are doing is totally consuming their attention and creative energy. I said partly, because what needs to be identified are any denials that are present, but unseen. To do that, one needs to examine one’s intent. What was the intent in doing what they are doing, and is there any expectation on the outcome. That is where the unseen role of denial comes into play as it has attachments to either the past or future. When we are fully present in the now moment, chronological time momentarily ceases to exist. Everyone has had experiences where time seemed to fly, and other experiences where time just seemed to drag on endlessly. The experiences where we had less denial present and were more in the now, were the experiences when time flew, and of course, the opposite is also true.

While we may think that we are living in the present moment, we are actually living in the gap because of our imprints, programs and beliefs. To heal our issues, we need to turn off our autopilot and to do that, we need to know who, what, where, when, why and how it is turned on in the first place. Our conscious Mind needs to be aware of itself, and instead of seeking to escape to its reverie, it needs to seek the cause of its activation. Denial is so deeply ingrained in our psyche that not only are we unaware that we are in denial, but also that we are in denial of being in denial. It’s always easier to spot other people’s denials than our own, and knowing that, we can use our observations of how other people deny and avoid their issues to see if we do the same, or similar things. If we are unable to identify our own denials, then we will either need another person to point them out, or they will be reflected to us by our experiences of being activated. The choice is ours as to how our denials are exposed and whether we choose to end them or not. A conscious denial is easy to identify as it usually involves an outright lie or obvious avoidance of whatever the activation is. It is then a matter of choice to come clean, so to speak, and to not only admit that we were in denial, but to speak the truth as to why we were trying to deny or avoid the situation, and then, to find the underlying cause of why this activated us. Once we begin to recognize and end our conscious denials, we can then begin to work on ending our unconscious ones as we will be living more in the present moment and we will know what denial is, and how it works. In other words, we now have the ability to identify denial more readily, as we have personal experience and understandings. We need this experience to enable us to become mindful of the more subtle forms of denial that are not in our awareness, but that are also keeping us from being in the moment.

Whether we are consciously aware of our denials and refuse to end them, or we are unaware of them, either way, we are operating in the gap that is filled with denial. The gap is everywhere, and no one is immune. The gap is what we presently experience and consider normal, socially acceptable behavior, where we follow established morals, ethics, rules and standards. It’s difficult to imagine that the so-called positive feelings and emotions we experience are actually associated with the gap, but once we begin ending our conscious denials, we will begin to see the unseen role of denial being played out in our imprints, programs and beliefs. We gap, and are in denial whenever we try (keyword - try) to be nice, kind, loving, nurturing, understanding, considerate, co-operative, compromising, etc., where we avoid, deny and downplay any form of confrontation in order to maintain peace and harmony, and to feel that we are loved and accepted. Then of course, we go to the other end of the denial teeter-totter, to those so-called negative feelings and emotions like fear, stress, anxiety, frustration, panic, betrayal, attacked, rejected, and moving all the way down to anger, hate and blind rage and fury.

Like I stated earlier, denial is everywhere, and whenever we are in denial, we are gapping, which means that we are no longer in the present moment and are either focusing on the past, or future. By being in denial, we are also giving our power away and so what we experience is not what we desire, or if it is, it doesn’t last. The key point here is that when we are activated and gapping, we are actually in denied terror and will do whatever we can to avoid the part of us that is lost and in the gap (that we fear) that we need to recover and heal. In reality, our denials are actually focused on those parts of ourselves that we don’t want to feel or accept, and therefore, any denial is self hatred exposed.

Simply stated, being present in the now means not being in denial of any part of our Being, and not only having conscious awareness of our Mind and its rational thoughts, but also allowing and expressing our Will, Heart and Bodies input. When we are in the now or present moment, there are no judgments, projections or expectations based on old imprints, programs and beliefs and we are responding to the experience, not reacting to it. There are definitive moments that forever change our lives and are recognized in the moment they occur. Others are found in hindsight, maybe minutes, hours, weeks, months or even years later, when we recognize these moments and see them in terms of an experience that was denied. While some may define this retrospection as wisdom, true wisdom is when knowledge is applied in the moment. To know, to have awareness and to choose the path we know is for us in this present moment, is what living in the now is all about.

When a person gaps, they are activated into various forms of denial and even though they are expressing themselves in the chronological present moment, they are reacting to a past experience in the present moment and are projecting it into the future. Being in the gap means that they are in denial and have gone past any conscious awareness of the underlying cause of what they are really experiencing, and are instead, being controlled by the other voices, like the inner critic or denied rage, and are reacting to their imprints, programs and beliefs. When denied rage has taken over the conscious Mind, it will either be verbally and/or physically blaming others as being the problem, or it will remain silent and turn inward and blame the self, and when it has burned itself out, it will wait for the opportunity to retaliate and try to take control when it is activated again. What also happens when denied rage takes over is that the Mind takes a back seat to what is going on. It becomes the silent observer, that in a twisted way, either is pleased and feels empowered that denied rage is expressing itself, or, when it knows what is about to happen, it chooses to avoid the pending wrath, and either goes numb or it goes off somewhere safe. It returns when denied rage has burned itself out, when it once again feels safe to take limited control of its Being. As you can see, there is no being present or in the now moment when a person has gapped.

The truth is always the truth, whether it’s expressed or not. – Shenreed

Denied Terror and Denied Rage

It has been my experience that some people either try to avoid or control any form of confrontation and conflict by portraying themselves as having a positive attitude. They present a false outward image of peace and harmony, while silently judging those that don’t agree with them as having and exhibiting a negative attitude. This action is hypocritical in that they see themselves as better or above those that don’t agree with their point-of-view, and in this, they are the ones that are negative, while calling themselves positive. They have a defensive programming and imprinting that says that expressing any form of anger is not acceptable and so they try to control any expression that is not aligned with their point-of-view. When others push back at being controlled by expressing their anger, they try to control the other person’s anger, while in complete denial of their denied anger and rage. However, when this denied rage is activated, they are not only gapped from the person that activated them, but also from themselves. They can talk about what they are feeling or what they think the other person is, or isn’t doing, until they are blue in the face, but they will not hear what the other is saying because they can't receive any input that is not aligned with their denial based imprints, programs and beliefs. They will just keep ignoring what the other is saying, while defending and projecting their own beliefs and judgments as truths onto the other person. They are unable to perceive another reality, but instead, insist that their judgments and projections are real and positive, no matter what the other person says or does, unless of course, the other capitulates (in denial) and accepts the others point-of-view as their truth.

What is happening when denied anger and rage are being expressed is not what it appears to be, as underneath the denied rage is denied terror that needs to be expressed. Rage wasn’t being activated, what was really being activated was their terror of being attacked, of having their little secret exposed by what the other person said or did, or by challenging their truth. The activation and subsequent denials of their terror, then triggered denied rage that quickly flew to attack what it felt was attacking it. Terror, (whether the situation was real or imagined) was being activated and instead of addressing the feelings of fear and terror that were surfacing, the Mind denied them expression and in the process, gapped and allowed denied rage to take over under the guise of protecting us from being attacked and hurt. Being attacked and hurt are the past unresolved terror issues, but denied rage has its wires crossed, (reversed polarity) as it feels that it can now be the winner if it can just have its way.

When people are gapped, it’s not about getting the other person to agree with your point-of-view; it’s about you, and you finding out why you have gapped, and what your real issues are and why you feel the need to control others or yourself. As long as you’re pointing your finger at them or yourself, and believing that they or you are the cause of your present activation, issues and problems, you will forever be going in circles. It’s also not about bridging the gap to reach the other person, it’s about you entering your gap and reaching the fragmented parts of yourself. The other person will have to do the same thing if they were activated and gapped by what you said or did.

If you are not being activated by the other person and have no issue or button to be pushed, then there is no problem and you don’t gap as there are no imprints, programs or beliefs that are being activated. They simply have their point-of-view and you have yours, and you don’t feel threatened by their point-of-view, even if they have been activated and are verbally attacking you. Meanwhile, if the other person has been activated and has entered their gap and are reacting to their imprints, programs and beliefs, then you will have what is described as a one sided shouting match, where they are trying to convince you that they are right and you are wrong. Like I mentioned, when the other person is in their gapped rage, there is no way to communicate with them, and it is best to let their rage burn itself out. That is not to say that you need to deny expressing your real feelings and emotions at them attacking you, as by expressing yourself, you diffuse the situation, but if you deny, you also gap. If both people have gapped, then you have a two-sided shouting match with neither side willing to see their denials or go past their twisted points-of-view of their imprints, programs and beliefs.

Another thing that can happen when you gap is that you go numb with shock, and freeze like a deer caught in the headlights of a car at night. Someone expressing their anger and rage at you may trigger suppressed and denied feelings of terror. The Mind, feeling its denied terror of anger and rage, is activated and may go blank and temporarily vacate the physical Body. The Body is then frozen in fear and doesn’t know what to do. It’s temporarily trapped in a closed loop system with no new information being processed, except the same old imprints and programs are being replayed. Going numb and being in a state of shock is caused by a sudden and traumatic new experience, or an unexpected experience that triggers old denied issues. Getting through shock and not going numb is a key part in healing your terror. You do this by consciously allowing your denied terror to move and express itself as it needs to in response to the activation, instead of gapping and having your denied anger and rage express itself.

Being Activated and in the Gap

Another popular misconception that people have is that when they’re being triggered by their denials, that it automatically means that the other person is also in denial. I'm not saying that that can't happen, but that’s not usually the case, at least not right away. Usually, the person that gaps has entirely different issues, and in most cases, it will likely be the opposite from the person that is activating them. As an example, if one person has a fear of asking questions, then the other person will have a fear of being asked and having to answer questions. One denies asking and the other denies answering, and so the saying “opposites attract” is an accurate statement. It’s ironic in that as long as each person finds people that have the same (opposite) issues and remain in denial, then they all have something in common (denial) and are compatible and friends. It’s only when they come up against someone that does not have the same issues, or if the person that they are friends with has the intent to end their denials that there is a problem and conflict, and the person that is in denial gets triggered and gaps. Ending ones denials is a sure fired way to end a relationship if the other person remains in denial, as the mutual denials that were holding the relationship together no longer exist.

Using the above example, conflict arises if the person that is afraid to ask questions chooses to end their denials and asks direct questions of the other. The questions asked will trigger the other person that doesn’t want to answer the questions. The person choosing to end their denials and asking the questions will not be activated or gap, but the person that the questions are directed to, if they choose to remain in denial, will be activated. Once activated and in denial, they will either refuse to answer or they will respond with a comment that has no bearing on the question being asked. However, depending on how the person being asked the question gaps, their reaction might trigger the other person to also gap. For example, if the person being asked the question gaps into denied rage, that denied rage might trigger the person asking the question if they happen to have an unresolved issue with a person expressing rage. What you have then are two people gapping for entirely different issues, one issue being terror of being asked questions, and the other at having another person express their denied anger and rage at them. Yet ironically, both originated around the fear of asking and answering questions, but that all changed when one person ended their denial and asked their question, but as in the example, they were also triggered and went back into denial when the other person gapped and went into denied rage. As you can see, exposing and ending denials, and being activated and gapping is a complicated process. There is no quick fix or easy answer that can be applied to all issues.

What’s important to realize is that you can't gap unless you’re being activated and in denial. Being in the gap doesn’t just mean expressing denied anger and rage, as you can be in the gap when you are trying to be nice, kind and loving. What you need to look for is the unseen role of denial that is at play in the gap. When you are being activated, you need to be able to move from the top down; that is to say, that you need to move out of your head (Mind) and down into your Will, (feelings and intuition) but in order to do that you have to use your Mind to separate fact from fiction, truth from denial, false from real and you only have an instant in which to do that. Although your initial reaction at being triggered may be to blame the person that is activating you, it’s not about blaming the person, but about your Mind ending its denial and choosing to see what is really going on. Every fraction of a second that your Mind hesitates and is in denial (doubt, confusion, shock) takes you closer to being in the gap. After the third denial, the Mind shuts down that window of opportunity for healing as it becomes overwhelmed by its imprints, programs and beliefs, and you enter the gap and then your only choice is to fight, run or give up.

An interesting phenomenon that I’ve come to realize about denial is that you just don’t have one opportunity to end your denials when you are being activated, but that you have three, albeit in a matter of a split-second awareness. If you are activated you have three chances to end your denials before you gap. When you become activated and aware of your first denial and do nothing, you then continue to be activated and now become aware of your second denial. If you again choose not to end your denials at this point, you move further into your activation. On the third awareness and denial, the stage is set and gapping occurs with no opportunity to go back to end your denials until your denied rage has burned itself out, or your terror and heartbreak have run their course and you are again activated by another experience. During the first two opportunities at ending your denials, you will have the thoughts/feelings of doubt, confusion or fear come up, and if you choose to end your denial and express them, then you won’t gap, at least not in that particular moment. That is not to say that you still won’t gap, albeit for a different issue depending on how the other person reacts to your expression. Of course the next activation will be at an unknown time, with unknown players and issues, and while it will not be an exact repeat of the one just experienced, there will be similarities that confirm that this is a repeat issue. Denial and the gap is similar to the game of baseball, where you have three strikes before you are out.

Wisdom is knowing, applied in the moment - Shenreed

Mirrors and Reflections

I'm sure that you’ve heard the term mirrors and reflections used when people talk about what you are experiencing. If you can’t see all parts of you, then you need a mirror or someone to show, or tell you what you can’t see for yourself. If you can’t see your denials, then you need another person to bring attention to what you are saying or doing, or not saying or doing, but are not aware of. Even though another person brings your denials to your awareness, the choice is always yours as to whether you want to look at your denials or not. If you aren’t willing to look at your denials and issues being shown to you, then you will have them reflected to you in other ways and in other external experiences. What you judge others as doing, either to others or to you, is exactly what you are doing to others, or to yourself. It all goes back to the old golden rule I mentioned before. For example, if you judge that another person is not listening and doesn’t care about what you are saying, then you need to understand that you don’t care what others have to say and have no intent to listen to them, as all that you really want is for others to agree with your point-of-view. This happens when you are in denial and running on old imprints, programs and beliefs. If you are on your healing path, you need to look at what is being reflected to you in order to gain hindsight into your issues so that you can begin to end your denials.

If someone tells you that you are running away or not dealing with your issues, then it is you that needs to make the conscious decision to stop and ask yourself if you are indeed running and avoiding. If you recognize and accept that you are in denial, then you also have the choice of ending the denial. If you can't see or feel them, but you feel that the other person might be on to something, then it is up to you to ask the other person for more information. You need to take responsibility for ending your denials and not putting it on another person by saying that they are not being subjective, objective, considerate, respectful, kind, loving, or whatever other phrases or rules you have invented to cover up your denials and throw the focus off of you, and onto them. If you are not ready to face your denials and be real, then you gap and either fight or run to avoid confrontation. If you are activated, it is you, not the other person that needs to move back until such time that you are again presented with another opportunity to end your denials and be real. Other people are not responsible for your feelings and emotions and vice versa. It's not the other person’s responsibility to stroke your fragile altered ego by being in denial like you are, and neither is it your responsibility to stoke another’s altered ego to make them feel better.

Of course, a person can always say that you are in denial when you are not, as that is how they divert attention from themselves and onto you. If you feel that this is indeed what is happening, you need to ask direct questions to clear the air. Of course, asking questions may bring up issues in you, or the other person, and that also needs to be brought out into the open in order to uncover the truth and reveal what is really going on underneath all the false bravado and posturing. Some people will claim that the truth is cold, cruel, brutal and unloving, but only those that desire to continue to support their denials will have this point-of-view. Ending denials is no picnic or walk in the park, as you will now be facing all the problems and issues that you have been struggling with or avoiding all your life. While you may think that you have just opened up Pandora’s box, ending your denials will bring the opposite of what you have been experiencing, and will make your life happier, even in the midst of all the turmoil that is going on.

RUOW Misunderstandings on Healing the Gap

In the course of my journey I’ve met several people that are working with the RUOW material, and while they all talk about healing their gap and reclaiming their personal lost Will, I have yet to meet one person that has actually gone into their gap and healed an issue. What I’ve noticed is that there is a lot of confusion as to what the gap is, and how to heal our personal lost Will that is in it. Some believe that they are healing their personal lost Will when they are expressing their feelings and emotions, including anger and rage, when they have already been activated and have gapped, but deny they are, and will insist instead that they are merely expressing and healing their lost Will. Others believe that healing the gap is to seek ways and means to avoid any personal conflict. They believe that they need to bridge the gap with others and find some common ground that satisfies both parties and will end the conflict and bring peace. Neither of these beliefs offer any opportunity for healing as what they fail to understand is that we need to move into our gap without being activated into our fight, run or give up mode, or try to bridge and avoid it. Still others believe that they have healed their personal lost Will just because they have been working with the RUOW books ever since they came out in 1984. They believe that just because they’ve read the books several times during the past 20 to 25 years, that that somehow has healed their issues. I know that they have not healed as what activated them into expressing their denied rage ten years ago when I first met them, is still activating them, and they are still expressing the same denied rage, but will insist that they have healed and are merely expressing their Will according to the RUOW material. While they have grasped a part of what the RUOW books are saying, they fail to realize that they have been activated and that what they are expressing in the gap are denied rage and false feelings and emotions, which is not healing. What is being expressed in the gap is the Minds point-of-view that only serves to perpetuate the not so merry-go-round. All that you are doing is explaining, raging or expressing false feelings and emotions, that while they do feel real, they are only the ones aligned with the Minds point-of-view and as such, are being allowed expression.

There are several references in the RUOW books that mention that what you are expressing when you have gapped is denied rage along with false Will, false feelings and emotions. It’s important to realize this as no matter how many times you are expressing your rage and emotions when you have gapped, you are not healing them but are adding to the problem. While the RUOW books talk about the gap and healing our personal lost Will, what is missing in the books are the specific details as to how we do that, especially when we are being activated by others in our daily life experiences. The books don’t give specific details as to what our personal lost Will is, how it was created, or how to heal and recover it, other than saying that we need to end our denials and allow ourselves to move our denied feelings and emotions, and release our mental judgments. The books also talk about expressing denied rage, false feelings and emotions and gives warnings about moving these emotions while in the gap, but the specifics of the who, what, where, when, why and how are left up to you to figure out. This is where people become confused, as being in denial of being in denial, they falsely believe that they have not been activated and that any rage and emotions they express in public are their real feelings and emotions. They also believe that the other person is the problem, not them, as they are just doing what the RUOW books say to do, expressing their feelings and emotions. Of course, if the other person is also activated, they will say they are doing the same thing. When activated, you need to notice that what you are accusing the other person of doing or saying, is the same as what you are doing or saying, and that the issue is about being in control.

Every person that we deal with in our lives can help us heal our personal lost Will. While we may believe that only those people that make us angry or are trying to control us are activating our gap, that is not the whole truth. People that we get along with are also key players in healing our gap because both parties have denied issues that are not being expressed just so that there is no conflict. This is where our thinking can get twisted and we come up with beliefs like that of having to bridge the gap with others, to compromise and co-operate so that we can have harmonious and peaceful relationships. These types of phony “good” relationships are just as damaging as the ones that are blatantly unloving and abusive, as any form of denial of our true expression is self-hatred.

We need to move into our gap with Heart presence in order to heal the gap. What we first need to do is to become aware of our conscious denials and when we have acceptance to expose and end them, we can then begin to work on the unseen role of denial that we are not aware of. From my personal experience, I’ve found that I had to begin to move into my gap in private. That means that I needed to move into feeling my denied emotions either by myself or with a person I trusted. This is where the problem solving techniques come into play and the who, what, where, when, why and how can I do that, if I’m not even aware of what my real issues are, what I need to do, or that I’ve already been activated and gapped, etc. To answer those questions I eventually developed a series of non-denial based meditations that I share in my first book, that I used as tools to help me get into seeing my denied issues and allowing me to begin to express my real feelings and emotions.

But that was only the beginning as these mini healings, as I call them, were planned to a point, as they were done during a meditation/visualization and in a safe environment and not in my real life outer reality. After doing what I could on my own, or with another in moving my real feelings and emotions in a safe place, the real test in healing my personal lost Will was to be activated into my issue by a real life experience. For real healing to take place, I needed to be activated to the point of gapping, but still have the mental awareness to not react to my old imprints, programs and beliefs like I had done in the past. With that new awareness, I now chose to go into my gap and respond to the situation with unconditional self-love, by allowing my Will and Body to express themselves in whatever way they needed to. Once I had done that, the denied emotional charge (energy) was released and that part of my personal lost Will was recovered and healed. As a result, what used to trigger or activate me no longer did, as there was no longer any denied emotional charge to be activated as it had been healed by love and acceptance. The more I heal, the less and less I become activated, and the less stress and pressure I feel in my life.

Of course, part and parcel of all this was that when I chose to consciously end my denials of my Will, and then experiencing what I did, that also changed my Minds (Spirits) point-of-view of what it thought was truth and love. What I used to think was my problem, my Will (intuition, feelings, emotions and knowing) I now consider my power. Upon feeling the freedom that real emotional movement gave me, there was no way that I could go back to the way I was, as I wanted more of what I had just experienced as I now felt empowered in a real way. While I still have issues that I’m working on, I’m not working on the same old issues that I had, as they are no longer issues in my life. That statement is also difficult for people to grasp as they still believe that real healing is impossible and that my solution can’t work as I say it does.

Chapter 16 - Heartbreak and Terror

A constant source of heartbreak is in not being loved and accepted and of feeling that we are unlovable as we are. When we feel that we’re not good enough or that we lack some special characteristics and skills that will make us lovable, we feel we need to change who we are, and so we attack ourselves. We force ourselves to try to be like those that we consider loved, happy and accepted. The flip side of wanting to be like the others is of course, not wanting to be anything like them, which is also a source of terror and heartbreak because it is these same others that are the ones that are attacking us from the outside. We search for love and acceptance in order to be happy, but all we seem to get is heartlessness and rejection. We move through life feeling that we’re always on the outside looking in on others that don’t have the same problems, feelings and emotions that we have. Although we have similar bodies and even do similar things, we still feel different and alien. We’re faced with a dilemma. We feel torn between the heartbreak of not receiving what we desire, and the terror of receiving what we don’t want.

The heartbreak feeling that comes with being rejected has a quiet desperation feeling to it, of loss, of silent overpowering grief, unbearable pain, despair, longing and yearning, to a feeling of being abandoned, rejected, forsaken, unwanted, alone, unlovable, along with helplessness and hopelessness. If it’s not heartbreak that we feel, it’s terror, as being rejected is one thing, but being taunted, abused, bullied, hunted and attacked is quite another. If it isn’t the terror of traumatic experiences that happened to us in the past, it’s the constant anxiety and terror of what will happen to us in the future, or of what will happen to others that we care for. Terror applies equally to what is known and what is not known.

There are four major emotional categories, divided in two basic groups. They are heartbreak and terror, and anger and rage. Of course, there are many more emotions but they can all be linked to one of these four groups. The point I’m trying to make is that under the feelings and emotions of heartbreak and terror, you will find denied anger and rage, and under the feelings of anger and rage, you will find denied heartbreak and terror. This is a simplistic overview as there is a lot more to it, as even the emotions that are most often expressed are actually false emotions, that although they may feel real in the moment, are not at the core of our issues.

Heartbreak and Anger

In the course of your healing journey, you will be moving between feelings of terror, heartbreak, anger and rage and you will keep repeating the cycles until you heal your issues. Healing is a systematic, step-by-step, layer-by-layer process, and you need to go through each layer before you can move on to the next step as there are no short cuts or quick fixes. Another thing is that each experience will have many interwoven issues that need to be addressed before you can move on. Some people will have no problem moving anger and rage, but will have great difficulty expressing their terror or heartbreak. Others will have no problem expressing their terror and heartbreak, but have a hard time touching and expressing their anger and rage.

As an example, I once did an emotional healing session with a woman in which I gave her a small cushion and asked her to feel her heartbreak and terror, and then to throw the cushion against the wall as hard as she could. Puzzled, she collected her feelings and emotions and threw the cushion. It hit the wall with a soft thud and then dropped to the floor. Next, I asked her to do the same for her anger and rage. Again she collected her feelings and emotions and when ready, she tossed the cushion toward the wall. It never even reached the wall, but instead landed on the floor about three feet (one meter) from her feet. I asked her to do it again, and again, it was the same response. She could not express her anger and rage, while she could her heartbreak and terror, but even that was limited.

When we talked about what happened, she asked me what I meant by her not being able to express her anger and rage. I told her that the force with which she threw the cushion represented her being able to express her anger and rage and that she had more acceptance to express her heartbreak and terror. She told me that she believed that anger and rage were unloving and unnecessary. She then asked me to show her what anger and rage I felt. I reached down and picked up the cushion, collected my feelings and emotions of anger and rage, and when ready, I hurled the pillow against the wall. It hit the wall with such a force that it rattled the pictures on the opposite wall and the sound startled and frightened her into her terror. After we did some emotional work with the terror she was feeling, she asked me to show her what heartbreak and terror I felt. I picked up the cushion and felt my heartbreak. With tears in my eyes, I threw it at the wall. It wasn’t as powerful as my previous throw, but it was still forceful.

To look at her and to hear her talk, she appeared cool, calm, collected and self-confident. No one would think she had any emotional issues, but that was not the truth. The truth was that she was so used to denying her feelings and emotions that she was now too numb too even give them any real expression. Over the years, she had built up a wall, a protective bubble that would not let anyone or anything affect her. While she believed that her bubble was working, what she didn’t realize was that while it appeared to keep others out, it was also keeping her locked in. In having a protective wall or bubble, she was also denying parts of herself and losing more and more essence every time anyone or anything came near her protective shell and activated her, as she really didn’t feel safe, but only acted (in denial) as if she wasn’t affected by what was being directed toward her.

Betrayal - Trust and Forgiveness

When you have issues of betrayal, trust and forgiveness, these are indicators of having no acceptance for your Will. One of the things that I’ve come to understand is that no one can betray you but you. If you really think/feel about it, you always know that something is wrong; you have a clue, a feeling, a knowing, but instead of trusting and following your Will, your intuition, you choose to deny her in favor of the other person, or persons, in the hope that your Will and feelings were wrong. Trust is a non-issue, because if you trust yourself, your Will, you will allow yourself to not only ask questions, but to also express yourself including your intuition. In so doing, the truth will always be exposed, either by what they say or do, or by what they don’t say or do. It’s only your attachment to losing what you think is love, or your fear of what will happen if you do express yourself, that keeps you in denial and in a constant state of not knowing or trusting yourself or others.

There are as many reasons that one feels the need to ask for forgiveness, as there are reasons one feels the need to forgive, but all are based in denial and are ladened with guilt and shame. When we feel we have done something to another that makes them unhappy, we are riddled with guilt and shame and feel the need to apologize or ask for forgiveness. On the opposite end, we have this misguided compassion where we feel the need to forgive others that have hurt us, so that we can move on with our life and put the issue to rest. This is nothing more than denial, guilt and shame promoting self-hatred and self-sacrifice as a form of love.

When you really think about it, there is no need to ask for forgiveness or to forgive others because whatever you did to another or they did to you, was for the experience and mutual healing of your individual issues. Each person was reflecting the others denials and issues. If you were real in your response and they were activated and felt offended, that is their issue. If they were real and you were activated and felt offended, that is your issue. Everyone has to take responsibility for his or her feelings and emotions and not make the other person responsible by laying blame, guilt or shame on the person that activated them. Blame and guilt are at opposite ends, yet they support each other. When blame has gone as far as it can, guilt takes over, and when guilt has gone as far as it can, blame takes its turn at pummeling you.

Forgiveness, as we know it, is totally unloving as it just adds guilt and shame to the situation to further compress the denied Will essence. The only person you have to forgive is yourself for having believed for so long that your feelings and intuition were wrong or evil, and that they had to be denied and controlled in order to show the others that were trying to control and manipulate you, that you were a loving person according to their standards, rules and expectations. Self-forgiveness is a necessary process if healing is to take place as it opens the door to allow you to take a risk and openly challenge what you feel is unloving. As long as you continue to blame yourself for what happened, or being the problem, there is no forgiveness, no self acceptance and no self-love. Forgiving yourself for doing what you had to do in order to survive was not wrong, but was a necessary experience to get you to this point. Remember, this is not the first lifetime you have had, and whatever issues you are experiencing have been carried over from past lives for healing in this lifetime. Seeing the bigger picture allows you to step out of your self-hatred mode and into self-forgiveness and self-acceptance so that you can let go of guilt and shame, and see and feel the smallest forms of self-hatred that need to be healed.

However, guilt and shame are also useful tools if your intent is to uncover and end your denials and unlovingness, as they allow you to see and feel where you were over-powering and unloving to another person, place or thing. When you become aware that your actions were unloving and that you were in denial, instead of allowing guilt and shame to control you by blaming the other person or to beat yourself up, you forgive yourself for not having seen this sooner and now go deeper to see and feel why you re-acted as you did. Finding and healing the root cause then allows you to enter into an open dialogue with those you harmed to allow them to see and feel that you are truly connected to your Heart and are expressing yourself in love. When all is said and done, you cannot undo what was done, but having forgiven yourself and expressed your real feelings and emotions, and released guilt and shame, you can now ask for forgiveness from those you wronged. This asking for forgiveness is more like allowing the other person the opportunity to see and feel your follow up response to the original experience. Whether or not they forgive you is their choice as they are responsible for whatever issues your open and honest dialogue brings up. If they see and feel your true intent and connect with not only your words, but the feeling of them, then there is healing on both sides as it is also an opportunity for them to feel and see how they were activated by your original action, and then to work on healing their issues.

Afraid to live - Controled and Limited

We all have fear (terror) but fear itself is not the stand-alone problem or issue. The word fear is always followed by at least two words, fear - of falling, of water, of anger, of pain, of confusion, of whatever the traumatic, terrifying and shocking experience we had that caused a split in consciousness and fragmentation. Along with the basic fear, you can also have a host of other fears associated with it. When we fragment, the rejected part of our Being lives with constant feelings of rejection, abandonment, helplessness, hopelessness and heartbreak, as well as the terror that it will not be accepted, but will continued to be hated and rejected. The other part of us that survived also lives in fear, (terror) afraid of the fragmented part and of ever having to experience what it did in the past. It also feels heartbreak, but in a different way, as it now attempts to fill the hole and emptiness it feels inside itself, after the fragmentation, with people, places or things, hoping  to find happiness.

A popular misconception is that fear is something to be overcome, denied, or gotten rid of, falsely believing that once we get rid of our fear, we will become fearless and that will solve our problems. Fear is an ally, a friend that can show you where you have lost or abandoned parts of you that needs your love and acceptance. If you try to avoid or deny your fear by controlling your experiences and your life so that you never have to face your fears, you limit your life and your experiences, based not on free choice, but denial. When you have truly healed your issues you will be fearless in the presence of love and not in denial. As an example, you can mentally reprogram yourself not to be afraid of water, but that is in total denial of the part of you that is terrified. With every denial, you shove this fragmented part of you even further away, to the point that it may be impossible to heal in this lifetime.

I often use the fear of water as an example, as most people can relate to it in some way or another. An example would be that for as long as you can remember, you have had an issue with water as you have never been able to go swimming or boating, and even the sight of a body of water would bring on a panic attack. If it was a highly traumatic or re-occurring experience, you may not have any memories of why you are afraid of water, or if you do, they will be vague and confusing. Now water is not the problem or the real issue, but how you feel about water is. So strongly is the fear of water embedded in your Mind that you have customized your life to exclude certain activities, like swimming, living near water, driving near or over water, going to the beach, boating, going on a cruise, flying over water, etc. Maybe you even have issues with a bath, shower, rain, or even watching a movie that has anything to do with water. Not only do you control yourself, but you also control others in your life, your mate, children, relations, friends, work and the list goes on, with all the things that you try to avoid so as to not trigger any memories of the suppressed experience.

Now this is only one fear, multiply that by hundreds or more, and you'll begin to see how limited our life really is and what we are doing to ourselves with denial. We are unconsciously living our lives in fear and denial and not with the freedom and love we desire. We sincerely, but ignorantly believe that we are protecting ourselves from further harm by keeping the bad or negative people, places, or things from entering our walled and supposedly impenetrable fortress, when in reality, what the walls are really doing is keeping us a prisoner in a fortress of our own making. Our world and life gets smaller and smaller as we build these walls of denial thicker and higher. This part of us that feels it is protecting us and doing what is best for us and others, will staunchly defend its position with a variety of beliefs, judgments and projections, etc., all in the name of love, when in actuality, it is denial, plain, and I was going to say simple, but it is, and isn’t simple. It's simple once you have experienced healing a fear issue by ending your denials, as you finally exclaim in disbelief, “My god, why didn't I realize that before, look at all the energy I wasted trying to keep this thing out when it wasn't even out there, but in me!”

Now, back to the water example, suppose that you were five years old, and your mother had told you to go play outside. As you were leaving, she also warned you not to play by the river. However, for whatever reason, you went down to the river and as you were climbing a tree overhanging the water, you accidentally lost your balance and plunged head first into the river. Finding yourself in unknown territory, you frantically thrash your legs and flail your arms, desperately trying to find something solid to cling to. You open your mouth, gasping for air, but gulping water instead. Your heart is beating almost out of your chest as you slip under the surface again and again. Somehow, after what seems an eternity, you realize you can stand up and you make it to the side of the riverbank and are able to climb to safety, coughing and spitting up water. What thoughts and feelings went through your Mind? Maybe you felt confused, alone and terrified that you were going to die. Maybe you even had an out of body experience and that confused and terrified you even more. Maybe you were angry that you were alone and no one was there to help you. As you can see, the list of unexpressed feelings and emotions goes on and on.

So now, soaked and chilled to the bone you reluctantly return home and are greeted by your mother, who, at the sight of her waterlogged and traumatized child is activated into her own issues of terror and heartbreak, which she quickly denies, and then moves into her denied anger and rage. She lays a guilt trip on you for having disobeyed her warnings and rants about all the things that could have happened and the problems you caused. Maybe she even physically spanks you for getting your clothes wet and dirty and for disobeying her. She exclaims that the beating is for your own good and that maybe that will teach you a lesson you won't soon forget. Or, at the other end of the denial teeter-totter, maybe she uses a more so-called loving and gentle approach, (also in denial of her real feelings and emotions) and says to you, "That's Okay, don't cry, be brave. That river is bad for frightening you, don't go to the bad river again."

Well either way, you got the message and you never forgot it. So now let’s examine this experience to see how it affected you. While you are unaware of it, your denials were in not expressing your real feelings and emotions while you were in, and under the water, as you were too busy trying to survive. Later, in both cases with your mother, you also denied, and were denied, expressing your real feelings and emotions that you felt while you were in the water, but were instead, focused on what your mother was saying that was also subconsciously imprinting you. That terrifying experience traumatized and fragmented you, and instead of healing your fragment that day, you have been doing everything in your power to avoid any situations that remind you of that experience. The part of you that was fragmented is now living in heartbreak because it was denied, rejected and abandoned by you, and the surviving parental part is now living in terror of water as well, as the denied feelings and emotions of the fragmented part that it had to abandon in order to survive. To complicate things even more, there are also the reversals happening. The fragmented part of you is terrified that it will never be loved and accepted by the parental part, and the surviving parental part feels heartbroken at the loss of the fragmented part of itself, as now it feels an emptiness, a hole, a longing that it can’t seem to fill with people, places or things.

So how do we heal this? We begin to heal it by not denying our fear of water, but by allowing ourselves to be safely triggered in such a way that we can begin to remember the original experience and find the fragmented part of ourselves. When we find it, we need to allow ourselves to feel and express what the fragmented part never got to express, and was left to hold and feel all this time. The parental part that did what it had to do in order to survive the experience, feels it can’t survive if it has to relive that experience again, but that is a false belief and emotion, and is a projection that keeps you in denial and prevents you from healing this lost part of you. Guilt and shame are also at play as the parental part feels guilty that it had cut a part of itself off in order to save the rest of itself, and that is where self-forgiveness comes in.

Maybe you've done some therapy or "inner child" work on this but it never really got resolved and you feel what's the use. True healing is impossible unless it is done in the moment. Making an appointment and going for psychiatric therapy every Tuesday at 11:00 a.m., isn't going to do anything for you if you're being activated and feeling the emotions on Sunday evening. Your emotions are trying to reach out to your Mind that has cut them off and by the time you go to your appointment on Tuesday, your emotions have been further denied for two days. You can't demand your emotions to obey your Mind because if that were a truth, you wouldn’t have any problems with your emotions would you? When you're being activated or triggered into your fear of water, that moment is the right time that true healing can occur. If you can’t allow yourself to express your real feelings and emotions in the moment you are activated, then another way to access them is through a non-denial based meditation with the help of a friend that will take you deeper. By finding and allowing the fragmented outer child to express all the feelings and emotions that it couldn't at the time of the experience, do you bring love and acceptance to that part of you that you have done your best to reject and deny all your life. So it isn't water that you're really afraid of, it's that emotional part of you, your fragment, that you don't want to feel that is the real issue.

We all have fears, but what keeps us limited is the belief that we have to deny our fears and keep them a secret. We also believe that if we express our fears that someone will use them against us, that we will be vulnerable to attack and will not survive. So to keep us safe, we believe we need to hide and deny we have any chinks in our armor or fortress. We put on an act and pretend that we are perfect and untouchable. We have also been led to believe that we have to deny expressing these feelings and emotions because they are deemed negative and that we have to accept denial as a positive approach to controlling emotions, and like I've said before, in reality we are killing ourselves. We seek love and life, but through our ignorance and denial, we are slowly killing ourselves, and isn't that the cosmic joke.

Once you have ended your denials and faced your fear, and are able to touch and accept that part of you that was fragmented, your fear of water will be gone. While you will be aware that healing has taken place, you are also aware that not all issues with water have been healed, as you've had a life time of water related denials and experiences that you also have to heal, but it will be a lot easier and quicker than healing your first experience. Slowly, with baby steps at a time, water becomes a part of your life again and you will grow to love the water you once feared and hated. It's up to each and every one of us to not only look at, but to tear down the walls we have built up around our Heart centre, and let go of the false belief that we are protecting that last little piece of our Heart that we don't want hurt or killed. What we need to do is to take a good look behind these walls and see who is really doing the hurting and killing, in secret and denial.

Chapter 17 - Anger and Rage

As a child, I was on the receiving end of a great deal of anger and rage, and a lot of it was from my parents, especially my mother. I was not only terrified of her but also heartbroken in realizing that there was little or no acceptance or love for me. What I was receiving and unwilling accepting from her was not love, but guilt, shame and hatred. This imprinting was to have a profound effect on me and my life experiences, in that I had not only taken in my Mothers rage, but also denied my own rage at her for attacking me, and this was all turned inward to manifest itself as self-hatred. I was also being imprinted and programmed with twisted beliefs about what love and life were. When I started school, the pattern continued as I received more rejection and hatred, and I also denied expressing my rage that should have been directed at the other children and teachers when I felt that what they were doing to me was not loving. At the time, I wouldn’t allow myself to express my rage as I knew that would have meant not only receiving more of the same, but also more rage from my mother when she found out what had happened. I was in a living hell, embroiled in an inner and outer struggle, and one that felt not only futile, but also hopeless. It was a no win situation, as no matter what I did, I was always wrong and hated.

I now know that healing denied anger and rage is possible but it's not a quick fix. To heal, you have to begin by looking for the little pieces, the minute details that seem insignificant but will clue you in to what is really going on. You have to look at the tree and not focus on the forest that looms before you. A good way to begin is to keep a journal and write down not only your thoughts, but also your feelings and allow yourself to express any feelings and emotions that you become aware of as you are writing. Denial has to end if healing is to begin.

The first two levels of healing that I experienced were rather quick compared to my third level, that of healing my anger and rage. Before I was ready to begin to heal my anger and rage, I needed several more years of emotional work, judgment releases and mini-levels of healing. As I mentioned earlier, I needed to work with the esoteric points-of-view that the RUOW material provided and then, by trial and error, interpret and apply them to the experiences in my life to see if they worked. The only way that I could really begin to understand and know how to heal my various issues, including my denied anger and rage, was by doing it, by getting right into it and experiencing it. Healing your anger and rage doesn’t mean that you no longer have any anger or rage, or that you don’t express it. When you have healed your denied anger and rage you will realize that real anger and rage are totally different than denied anger and rage. Now, whenever I feel I’m deliberately and unlovingly being dissed or attacked, I ask questions and express what I’m feeling in the moment, and if the attack continues, I express my real anger in the moment I feel it rising. By expressing my anger, my rage doesn’t need to rise as my anger usually gets the job done in a loving way, but if it doesn’t stop the attack, then my rage steps forward to stop the attack in its tracks. It may not be what the other person considers loving, but it is unconditional self-love expressed for me, and that is all that matters.

What I’ve come to understand is that our loving anger and rage will never deliberately set out to attack another, but neither will it allow another to attack us. Our loving anger steps forward when our Mind/Will feels that we’re being threatened or about to be attacked. If you noticed, I said Mind/Will, and that’s because unless your Mind and Will are coequal partners in the experience, it’s your Mind controlling your Will and what will be expressed is not loving anger and rage, but denied anger and rage. How much loving anger we express is in direct proportion to how much unloving energy is behind the threat or attack. Our loving rage goes one-step further than our anger in that it surfaces when our Mind/Will feels that our very survival is being threatened. Loving rage will never do a preemptive strike, but when it feels that life is threatened it will do whatever it takes to make sure that we are not harmed in any way. Our loving anger and rage is the same energy that also gives our Body super human strength or speed when it feels that our life, or that of another is threatened.

Real and Denied Anger and Rage

What I’ve experienced and come to discover and understand about anger and rage is that there are two sides, one side is loving and the other is the denied unloving side. Denied anger and rage have an infinite number of ways of expressing themselves, from being almost unconditional love, to being pure hatred and evol, (love reversed polarity) or the total absence of love. Our real anger and rage is an expression of unconditional love and therefore has only one state of being. Although expressed in only one way, without denial, it is at the same time also unlimited as it responds to any and every situation in the manner that it needs to.

What I’ve experienced is that while our Mind thinks that it knows what is best for all our Being, it is really ignorant, confused, and too busy trying to live up to all its beliefs and judgments. In trying to be in control and fit in and be accepted, it tries to act nice, kind, loving, caring, sharing, understanding, etc., and all the other phony qualities that are part of our learned social behavior, and in the process of acting, it isn’t listening to what its Will is saying. When the loving voice of anger and rage tells us not to be a hypocrite, not to deny our intuition and feelings, to tell it like it is, to tell the truth and to speak up, our Mind quickly over-rides it as it thinks that what it is doing is more loving. It judges challenging others and hurting their feelings, especially by expressing any anger and rage as unloving and unnecessary. As the Mind doesn't allow the other parts of itself to freely express themselves, it also has no acceptance for its real anger and rage and so too it is denied. The result of all these denials is that a part of loving anger and rage has had to reverse itself, (reversed polarity) and in doing that, it becomes unloving denied anger and rage. When this happens, if the person is activated into their denied issues and they gap, it is this denied anger and rage that now rises to attack what it considers a threat. The person’s Mind now takes a back seat as this denied anger and rage begins to express itself, either outwardly, blaming some other person, place or thing that it deems to be the problem, or inwardly, if the person has an issue with expressing anger and rage at others. So now all the so-called loving plans the Mind had to resolve the situation went out the window.

Our real anger and rage is there to protect us from harm and is totally different from denied anger and rage where the intent is attack and retaliation. Our anger and rage are seated in our survival or root Chakra, and is our last defense when we are in danger or being attacked by unloving light, and it will only show itself when our very survival is threatened and when the Mind is not in denial of any parts of its Being. Unfortunately, because we are unaware of the unseen role of denial, we, by our denials, twist and reverse this loving anger and rage energy from being one that protects us, to one that attacks others and also ourselves. Denied anger and rage are created when the Mind is in denial and has over-ridden its Will, Heart and Body, and has pushed its real anger and rage back down to the root or survival chakra, where it then becomes denied anger and rage, waiting to explode when it feels threatened and provoked.

Denied Anger - Rage and Control

If true loving anger and rage are denied their expression in the moment they begin to rise to reject unloving energy that is threatening an attack, they are forced to go back on themselves. Anger and rage are energy and if they can’t move in their natural direction they are forced to reverse their polarity, and in so doing, become denied and unloving anger and rage. Not only do they reverse their polarity, but they also fragment from the rest of our real anger and rage, as they are no longer aligned or of the same polarity.

Denied anger and rage are fragments of either our Spirit’s or Will’s real anger and rage, that now sit as another voice in the background of our consciousness. It constantly gives our Mind advise and judgments on how it could have handled the last situation better had it been allowed to do what it wanted, and not what the Mind wanted, and vows to take action the next time something like that happens again. This denied anger and rage seeks to control the conscious Mind with the sole intent of not allowing anything to harm our Being, but because it is of reversed polarity, it’s intent and actions are now unloving. Because it’s fragmented, it’s no longer coming from the survival chakra like our true anger and rage, although it still believes that it is. Because of its reversed polarity, it has shifted its objective from defense, to attack mode, to thwart off any conceived threat to its survival, according to its imprints, programs and beliefs, ready to snap at the first hint of any provocation, real or imagined, that is deemed a threat. If you think of world politics, you can get a good idea of the denied rage that is in control of the people that are in a position of power, trying to control the world around them, if not by the use of guile and cunning, then by intimidation and force.

Denied anger and rage are not responding to the situation in the moment like our real anger and rage, but are instead, reacting when triggered by old imprints, programs and beliefs. It always defends and justifies its actions even if the judgments it made at the time of its reaction prove to be false and inaccurate, it would still claim that it could have, or would have been such and such an experience had it not acted as it did. It admits to no wrong doing and even feels victimized when its actions are challenged. In dealing with anyone in denial, or in denied anger and rage, there is no talking or reasoning with them that will change their point-of-view, as their input receptors are closed to any information that is not aligned with what they believe is the truth.

If we express what we’re feeling in the moment when we feel confused, in doubt or that unloving energy is trying to attack us, we have not entered into denial. Since we are not in denial and if the unloving attack continues, it is now our real and loving anger that rises to confront and stop the attack. If we are not in denial of expressing our anger and the attack continues, then it is our rage that rises to protect us. When we allow our real anger and rage to express itself and move in the manner it feels it needs to, its message leaves no doubt in the Mind of the attacker of the consequences of any further unloving attacks. Our real anger and rage are like a mother protecting her young from a predator, while our denied anger and rage is like the predator, looking for something to kill and eat.

Self-hatred is denied hatred for others, and hatred for others is denied self-hatred. – Shenreed

Spirit and Will Polarized Rage

There are two forms of denied anger and rage. The first form is the one that goes out and attacks what it considers to be a threat and makes the first strike. The other form is the one that wants to strike back, to retaliate and take revenge at being attacked. Spirit polarized people and denied anger and rage have the bully mentality as it intimidates others into being subservient and if they don’t willingly capitulate, it uses whatever force is deemed necessary to end any resistance. If it sees something it doesn’t like, or it thinks it is, or could possibly be a threat, whether the threat is real or imagined, it moves to over-power and control the person, place or thing. If that doesn’t work, then they’re just as happy to simply get rid of it, to make it go away. It’s the old Spirit polarity and denied rage imprint that has the, “shoot first and ask questions later” mentality.

Will polarized people and their denied anger and rage doesn’t strike first and attack like Spirit polarized denied rage; it’s the rage that, when attacked, wants to get revenge, to let the other person know what it feels like to receive what they got. It wants to get even for the nasty and unloving things that were done to it. This is the old Will polarized denied rage that has the, “eye for an eye” imprint. This denied Will rage isn’t as obvious like denied Spirit rage as it doesn’t make the original power play, but instead, reacts to the use of force against it, if not immediately, then at another time or place as it will pick its battles. This delayed retribution is then seen by the Spirit polarized rage as a possible threat and a potential attack. As you can see, whether it’s Spirit or Will polarized denied rage, it’s an endless cycle and although it may appear there is a winner, in the overall scheme of things, there is no winner, only losers. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Spirit or Will denied anger and rage that are being expressed, as both are unloving, just coming from different perspectives. If you look at world politics and their military agenda, you can easily see what countries are Spirit polarized and which ones are Will polarized.

Spirit polarized denied anger and rage is found everywhere, from religion, politics, military, media, business, sports, etc., all the way down to what we ignorantly call making love or having sex. It’s the predator; the driving force behind the dog eat dog, and the survival of the fittest mentality. It fuels consumerism, pushing us to be better, bigger and faster, driving us to obtain more money, things, people, or whatever it thinks it needs in order to increase its position of power and control. It’s the driving force behind capitalism and other forms of government and it filters its way down through the rank and file, all the way to the bottom of the food chain. As stated, governments, religion, military, police, media, industry, medical, education, etc., are all involved in controlling people, places and things, and being in a position of power. Denied anger and rage are found in every home and family, and is part of what creates the conflict in the battle of the sexes, of having to be in control.

Underneath it all is the unseen role of denial that has created both Spirit and Will polarity denied rage. Spirit in denying the Will her expression for any number of reasons that he believes unpleasant feelings and emotions are wrong, and the Will in denying its real expression for any number of reasons that she feels that expressing anger and rage is unloving. Both are rooted in original cause imprints and programs, and nothing changes as long as we are still operating on them.

Denied Rage in a Position of Power

Besides all the feelings and emotions of the Will there are two aspects of emotion, anger and rage, that need to be identified so that they too can be healed. These emotions are connected to both Spirit and Will polarity and are associated with our basic instincts of survival. While originally loving, anger and rage have also been extensively repressed and denied expression, especially when it has risen in the Will. Because the Will’s anger was denied expression by Spirit or the Will denied her own anger and rage, this unloving energy of both Spirit and Will was systematically and progressively backed down through the chakras, our spiritual energy centre’s. The denials in the 7th or violet chakra were forced down into the 6th or indigo, that then passed them and its denials down into blue, and so it went on all the way down to our 1st or red (survival) chakra. It’s like all the unloving denial energy of creation that should have been sent back to its source, has been backed down through the chakras and is now stored in our first, root, or survival chakra, ready to explode.

This loving anger and rage has been turned to hate as denied anger and rage. When this reversed polarity denied rage attacks in a preemptive strike, it is of the Spirit polarity, and when it counter-attacks or strikes as an act of revenge, it is of the Will polarity. While they are coming from opposite polarities, what makes them both unloving is that denial is present, thus making them the reversal of love.

Denied rage as we know it, is only present when denial is also present. This denied rage is operating in the gap and is running on old imprints, programs and beliefs. As stared, there is no communication possible with anyone that is in denied rage as their receptors are closed or damaged, and this denied rage has to burn itself out before the Mind can once again be, more or less, in control of itself. While the denied rage is expressing itself, the Mind has temporarily relinquished control, has taken a back seat, and is acting as an observer. It does so either in terror of its rage, or because it likes the power and control that the denied rage is displaying. Even when the Mind has regained its composure and has taken the driver’s seat, the denied rage is still operating in the background, telling the Mind what to do the next time.

This denied rage is controlling and manipulating, and is a master at disguises. Not only has it associated itself with the Mind and its altered Ego in controlling the rest of our Being, but unbeknownst to the Mind, it too is being controlled by this denied rage. The prime directive of this rage is to be lord and master, to be the winner, successful, to be in control and in a position of power, and to have others respect and fear it. It reaches its goals or objectives by saying and doing whatever it takes, as the end justifies the means, and after accomplishing its agenda there comes a feeling of satisfaction that is hard to describe, as it’s more of a smug feeling of self-righteous pride, pretentious gloating and one-upmanship in having successfully accomplished its mission. It’s like winning at a sports game and then gloating and reveling at your opponents loss. It’s like a prison guard that is satisfied and content only when all the prisoners obey his commands without question or hesitation. It’s like a parent that prides itself at having raised good and successful children, or a husband that feels confident that he dominates and controls his house, wife and children. There is no love present in denied rage, only the self-absorbing, false pride and satisfaction that one gets when others offer them respect, based in fear and loathing.

This denied rage can be brutally intimidating and violent, or subtly passive aggressive, using a kind and so-called loving presentation to persuade others to follow its hidden agenda. It’s this denied rage that is controlling and manipulating, that has rules and conditions for everyone and everything in its reality, except itself, and it’s this rage that is presently in control of our reality. Now this denied rage is not limited to humanity but is common to all consciousness as it can also be found in animals and plants. This denied rage is commonly referred to as the natural survival instinct, the heartless statement referring to the survival of the fittest, where only the strong (those that overpower another) survive. Denied rage is what maintains the food chain, where death is looked upon as a part of life, but contrary to popular opinion, death is not a part of life; it is the absence or denial of life.

While denied rage is present in all people, it’s the Will polarity people, those that have feelings and emotions that are confused and feel trapped by this rage that says it is love and loving, but doesn’t feel like love or loving. Spirit polarity people that have little or no Will presence are unable to feel, and so all that they go on is the mental understanding of what they are experiencing in their Body and whether it is satisfactory to their agenda, and that it gives them physical pleasure. While I say the Will polarity is trapped and confused by denied rage, the only reason they are, is because they are in denial and have the false belief that expression of their true feelings and emotions, especially their anger and rage, is unloving.

Denied rage is controlled by imprints, programs, beliefs and judgments and it is this hate that doesn’t want to give up its position of power and control over others and the self (Mind, Will, Body and Heart). It not only wants to keep what it has, it also wants to expand its domain. Bigger, better, faster and more is what drives the fire of this rage as it consumes, dries up and shrivels the life out of all it touches and then moves on. It’s especially drawn to the magnetic energy of the Will polarity where any movement of feelings and emotions are quickly attacked. Once emotional movement is stopped, it begins to feed on the denied Will energy. The fires of this denied rage are concealed by denied hatred for others or denied self-hatred, and it is this hatred, disguised as love that the Will polarity is naively trying to please to prove that it is loving. Denied rage imprinted the Mind and Will, and the results of these denials are manifested in the form of unpleasant experiences as well as in our Body in the form of disease, illness and death.

Denied Anger and Rage Appearing Real

There is a lot of confusion and misinformation about the expression of feelings and emotions, including the expression of denied anger and rage. Psychiatrists and psychologists that aren’t total pill pushers, have told people that expressing their feelings is what will heal them. While there is truth in that statement, it’s only a part truth and is the reason that people who follow this advice never obtain any lasting emotional healing. Even after years of therapy the person is no better off, in fact, they are even worse than when they started. It’s important to note that while the person genuinely believes they are expressing their real feelings and emotions when they are at a scheduled session, what they are actually doing is either explaining their emotions or expressing their false emotions that are aligned with the Minds judgments. Of course, trying to convince them otherwise is futile as they are already in denial and gapping but don’t even know it. The expression of denied anger and rage is often confused with a person expressing their Will, (feelings and emotions) as they believe that they are merely defending themselves from another’s attack. Even though the person that they are angry at is not present, their denied anger and rage is either re-hashing what they think happened, or what will happen the next time. They are running on old imprints, programs and beliefs prompted by denied rage that says its beliefs are the truth and that the other person was, and is trying to manipulate and control them. Like I mentioned before, people are either explaining their emotions or are expressing false emotions, and until you know which is which, and how to get to the real emotions, healing is impossible.

When a person is activated into their issue and gaps, there is only conditional acceptance and alignment between the Mind and Will, and any anger and rage that is expressed is denied anger and rage. Denied anger and rage needs expression, but not in a knee jerk reaction to being activated and attacking the person you think is attacking you, but in a way that is safe to yourself and to other people, places and things. If you don’t move your denied anger and rage by yourself in a safe way, you will have it reflected to you in a way that will not only be unpleasant, but potentially dangerous. Denied anger and rage needs to move and be expressed in a safe manner until it has burned itself out. While moving your denied rage, you also need to allow any other emotions that surface during your rage release to be expressed so that you can gain understandings as to how and why you have this denied rage within you. But moving denied rage is not enough as this process also needs to include the Mind releasing the judgments it has that are related to denied anger and rage, so that the Mind can then begin to see things in a different light and from a different point-of-view. Releasing denied rage and healing it is not a quick fix as there are many issues, judgments, feelings and emotions involved that also need to be addressed and healed.

When there is alignment between Mind and Will, and the Will is allowed to freely express herself (unconditional Love), real anger and rage are also allowed to move. Mind gives the Will its understanding of the situation while being open to accept the Will’s input. Mind then analyzes the information and gives the Will understanding as to what it is feeling and wanting to express. Will then responds to the understandings that the Mind has given. Thinking, feeling, feeling, thinking and then moving together, they respond to the situation instead of reacting to it. Anger and rage are connected to the base, first or survival chakra and both are there to protect life, our Being, from the attacks from unloving light. When threatened or attacked, anger is the first to step up to stop the attack against our Being. Should anger not be enough to deter the attacker, rage steps up and makes it crystal clear to the attacker, the consequences of its actions. There are no if’s, and’s, buts, or maybes, just stop, or suffer the consequences, said with a feeling tone that leaves no doubt as to the intent. When real rage has expressed itself, there is also no further warning or communication necessary with the attacker as they will have gotten the message, loud and clear.

Passive Aggressive - Asking and Telling

While you may have a mental picture of a person with denied anger and rage as one that is yelling and shouting, and being physically aggressive, that is only one end of the denied rage spectrum. At the other end we have what you would consider the passive aggressive. The Mr. or Mrs. Do-gooder, the person that is always smiling and saying and doing kind things, and appears to be genuinely helping and serving others but, buried deep within the loving façade is a seething volcano of denied anger and rage that is silently eating away at the person from the inside out. Deeply religious people are classic examples of this form of the unseen role of denial of their anger and rage. The strong silent type is another example of a person that doesn’t express their denied anger, but it’s there, and when it’s released, look out.

Everyone is affected by denied anger and rage, and while some use it openly as a form of intimidation and control, others use it as a defense mechanism after they feel they have been attacked. While anger and rage can be expressed with physical and verbal confrontation, there are more people that express anger in the form of being passive aggressive. These are the goodie-two-shoes, the do-gooders, the loving religious saviors and the ones that were just trying to help or be nice. These are the ones that adamantly condemn any expression of anger and rage, and any form of physical violence, yet with their passive aggressive denied anger and rage, they maliciously manipulate and twist their victims Minds with subtle innuendo’s and part-truths that cut as deep, or even deeper than any blatant physical attack. These attacks are harder to spot as they are cloaked in the presentation face of niceness and kindness that confuse the intended victim into thinking that they are getting help and assistance, when in reality, they are like lambs, being led to the slaughter. They politely rebuke any display of real anger and rage toward their unloving attacks as not being loving and the opposite of what they are trying to express with kindness. They also consider themselves above such vulgar and unloving displays, when in fact, they are in total denial that what they are doing is unloving, and is so by conscious intent. They will use guild and shame to intimidate any form of opposition to their so-called positive and loving approach to try to force the victim to back down and deny their true expression of what they really feel, thus giving away their power. The reason that this power play works so well is that the outer appearance is kind and loving and is the opposite of the physically and verbally aggressive display of denied anger and rage that is easy to identify. While this outward appearance appears to be the opposite, it is just as unloving; they are merely on opposite ends of the teeter-totter.

On one end, anger and rage are expressed with the intent to create fear and terror, to intimidate and force their victims to surrender to their control. On the other end, we have the passive aggressive silver tongued devils, speaking with a soft voice and false smiles, displaying a pleasant manner, using guile and cunning to trap their victim, in other words, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Once a person has planted the seed of confusion and doubt in your Mind, and you are in denial of expressing your confusion and doubt, then they have control of your Mind. Once they have control of your Mind, then they also have control of the rest of your Being.

A good example of how these two forms work is in the bad cop, good cop routine that is used to interrogate a prisoner to get a confession. Another form of passive aggressive denied anger and rage is in the person that when angered, hides their anger and rage by becoming aloof and withdrawn, giving others the silent treatment that speaks volumes without saying a word. Of course, this person also feels that they are superior as they believe that expressing anger is not necessary to get what they want, yet they are oblivious to the fact that what they are doing in denial is exactly what their judgments say is wrong and not necessary. But all these are merely reflecting the outward social manifestations of denied anger and rage and what it does to another person, place or thing in our outer reality. What is unseen is what it also does to our very Being, our temple, our physical Body, including our Mind, Will and Heart. Not only are we affected by what other people do to us when we take in their unloving energy, but also by what we do to ourselves when we deny expressing our true anger and rage when we feel it.

Another common passive aggressive technique of expressing denied anger and rage and the unseen role of denial is found in a person that on the surface, appears to be simply asking a question, but when felt, the question has an unloving hook. That is to say, it’s not really a question but a command that is not meant to be seen for what it really is and while it’s presented in the form of a question, it’s baited with an unloving hook. Some examples of these command type questions begin with phrases like: Can you? Will you? Are you? Do me a favor? Do you know how to? Would you? Could you? Are you’re going? If you have time? Do you mind? I don’t want to bother you, but. Why don’t you? And of course the best one of them all, please, followed by whatever it is they want you to say or do.

All these questions are actually a subtle use of guilt to get the other person to do what they want them to do. While not openly aggressive, they use kindness, guile and cunning to manipulate the other person to do their bidding. But, if the person refuses to capitulate to their hidden agenda, then the person is miffed and will either go into one, or a combination of four operating modes in order to fulfill their hidden agenda. These four methods of operation are:

1) They will put on a display of anger (intimidation)

2) They will nonchalantly ask more questions (interrogation)

3) They will cry the blues and put on a show (oh poor me)

4) They will withdraw and sulk (aloof)

All these tools are used as a means to make the other person feel guilty or to punish them for disappointing them and not being the nice, kind, considerate, co-operative, compromising, compassionate and loving person that would help them and do what they so politely asked. Of course if you challenge them, the response that you will get will be, “I was only asking, I wasn’t telling you what to do.” But of course that is a lie and a denial as when you say, “No,” they will go into one of the previously mentioned modes of operation to try to convince you otherwise. If there truly is no hidden agenda or denial present in the person asking a question, then there will be no expectation or preference as to how the question is answered. If the person answering the question has no hidden agenda or denials, they will answer the question in an open, honest and forthright manner. If either person is activated by the question or answer, then you have the role and game playing that we see all the time, where the person in denial seeks to be in a position of power and control.

While we may be able to say, “No” to a stranger, it’s more difficult when it’s someone that we know, and the closer we are to the person the more difficult it is to be honest, direct and to just say no and mean it. This is because these are the very people that presently accept us in whatever limited degree of acceptance they have. We believe that their acceptance means that they love us and therefore we have to be nice to them and do them favors so that they will continue to accept and not reject us. Another reason may be guilt and the feeling that you need to repay an act of kindness. Yet another might be your own hidden agenda and expectation, believing that in doing them this favor, that they now owe you, and that the debt will be repaid in the future by getting them to do what you want.

Denied Rage and the Unseen Role of Denial

While it may not seem obvious, denied rage is present in even what we consider acts of love and kindness. Doing good deeds, helping others or fighting for a cause, etc., involves denied anger and rage. As an example, someone getting involved in saving the whales may seem like a noble, worthy and loving cause, as the whales are being hunted to extinction. While on the surface there doesn’t appear to be any denied anger and rage, you need to dig deeper to find the unseen role of denial at work. The basic question that need to be asked in order to identify denied anger and rage is; is the person unhappy that the whales are being killed, or are they angry at the whalers and are looking for a way to stop or control them as they feel that what they are doing is wrong.

As you can see, while the surface presentation is of a person being, nice, kind, loving and doing their part to save the whales, the undercurrent is the unseen role of denied anger and rage. The reason they are doing what they are doing is two-fold. One in not wanting to see innocent animals butchered, and the second, their denied anger and rage at the whalers, the people that are killing the whales. Instead of attacking the whalers that they hate and feel are unloving, they do the opposite and pretend that they are better and superior and not as unloving as the whalers. Instead of attacking the whalers as they would really like to do, they deny their anger and rage and twist it around to do the opposite of what the whalers are doing, and that is saving the whales instead of killing them. Acts of kindness are just that, “acts” and are not real, because of the unseen role of denial that is at work. When you start looking at what is not being said or done, you begin to see the truth. Hypocrisy and being in denial of being in denial is also evident in that while they abhor the killing of whales, they don’t have the same judgments and emotions for the killing of animals like cows, sheep, pigs, chicken, turkey, fish, lobster, etc., that are slaughtered for their consumption and profiting those that raise and bring these animals to market.

While this outer expression of saving the whales and denied anger and rage appears to be the issue, there is also more to it as the person already has issues with expressing their real anger and rage that is the result of imprints, programs and beliefs based on earlier denied experiences. Since they refuse to deal with their own personal issues, they deny them and focus on saving the whales, thus giving them a false sense of being loving and having a purpose in life, while in total denial that they are being unloving to themselves. Yet when these people are challenged, they would deny that they had any denied anger or rage, or that they had any personal issues. The most blatant example of a person being in denial of being in denial is when they refuse to accept responsibility for their words or actions. Another example is when a person states their beliefs, but then contradicts themselves by saying or doing things that are in opposition to their beliefs. The more subtle forms of the unseen role of denial are difficult to grasp, because unless you are open to feel and express your Will, this unseen role of denial will slip past your awareness as you are also in denial. When those that have a closed Mind and similar beliefs hear another’s denials expressed as truth, they don’t pick up on the denials or contradictions, as their beliefs are aligned with the other person.

The Mind that is not open to see its denials and issues is running on autopilot and reacting to its old imprints programs and beliefs that it honestly believes to be true and accurate. While the denials and contradictions are obvious to those that don’t have the same beliefs, the person in denial will staunchly defend their point–of-view and will consider any challenge a threat and a personal attack. Politics and religions are prime examples where people say one thing and do another while adamantly denying any wrong doing. Those with the same political or religious views will staunchly defend them, while those with a different point-of-view will see their hypocrisy and denials for what they really are.

Expressing Denied Rage in Public and in Private

It's important to realize the difference between expressing your denied anger and rage in public and releasing it in private. You already have denied anger and rage in you, that is a given because of all the unloving things that have been done to you in the past where denial was present. These usually involved some form of relationship issue be it with your father, mother, sibling, relative, friend or even a stranger, when you wanted to express your anger and rage but were either denied, or you yourself denied its expression for whatever reason. Your anger and rage couldn't move when it really wanted to move and so it was forced to reverse itself (its energy polarity) and became denied unloving anger and rage along with any imprints, programs and beliefs that were created at the time of the experience.

So now when the Mind is triggered in public and gaps, the Mind does one of three things, fights, runs or gives up. If it’s imprinting is to fight, then its denied anger and rage along with any false feelings and emotions that are aligned with the Minds beliefs that are going to be expressed. Expressing ones denied anger and rage is not healing, neither is it what is going to change things in the long term. Denied rage thinks it’s being attacked and that the other person is a threat to its position of power, and that it will experience a repeat of what happened in the past and so it’s determined not to let that happen. When denied rage is activated, it’s impossible to get it to think or move in any other way until it has burned itself out. Expressing your denied anger and rage in public, especially in a physical situation is not a healing opportunity, in fact, it can be potentially dangerous as you can either harm another, or, if you also happen to trigger the other persons denied rage, they may physically harm you. Road rage is one such example of denied rage being expressed in public.

Because of the imprints, programs and beliefs in your conscious and sub-conscious Mind, it thinks it knows what is right and best for itself, which it naively calls self-love. Although it will deny it, your Mind, prompted by denied rage, is always hyper-vigilant of any possible conflict or threat to the status quo. Even when you think you are being kind, loving, generous, considerate, caring, understanding, etc., know that this is just your Minds way of converting its imprints, programs and beliefs to the situation at hand. It acts in such a way in order to be loved and accepted, while at the same time, applying any input it is getting from denied rage that can be used to control the situation albeit on its terms. As long as everyone else tows the line and agrees with the Minds and denied rage's point-of-view, there is no problem and no conflict. However, when there is conflict and the person is activated and denied rage is triggered, it will say and do whatever it thinks is necessary to defend it's point-of-view and position of power. It will adamantly state that it is right and the other wrong, and demand that the other person or others capitulate, and that they are either with them or against them. There can be no compromise unless it is done on its terms, because if it admits it is wrong, then it has no power and is no longer in control. Losing control also brings up the feelings of denied terror and heartbreak and that is also something that you are holding down by allowing denied rage to be in control. Once a person has been activated into their denied rage, there is nothing that another person can say or do, unless they capitulate, that will end denied rages rant. This denied rage has to be allowed to slowly burn itself out on its own, until it has moved all the energy that was triggered.

So the question is, “How do you get this denied rage energy to move and express what it needs to express in a safe way without being triggered?” Expressing it in public when activated doesn’t work, the only thing that will work is to move it in private when you are alone. Later on in this book, in the introduction to the chapter on my third level of healing, I share one of my denied rage releases with my pumpkin experience. In this rage release, I was working in private and used the pumpkin as a target for my denied rage to be expressed. Being alone, I wasn't being triggered by anyone, instead, I was allowing myself to remember all the times that I wanted to express my anger and rage but didn't. In this way, I was allowing my rage to move and express itself in a safe environment as it also knew that it was not going to lose its position of power if it did express what it really felt as there was no one else around. During this experience, I could feel this denied rage building up in me, getting ready to move, but still holding back. Finally, it was no longer able to hold itself back and similar to a sexual climax, it exploded, releasing the energy that had been denied.

In getting my rage to move, I was also getting in touch with my denied heartbreak and terror that began to move after my denied anger and rage had moved. I didn't cry much, but I did cry and that was also a key movement of my denied heartbreak. This pumpkin experience was my first attempt at moving my denied rage in private, but it wasn't the last. You don’t need a pumpkin to begin to release your denied rage, you can use anything that you feel will work for you. When I worked with people in private one-on-one sessions, I used a cheap pair of boxing gloves to help the person move their denied anger and rage. I found that the gloves worked well as it didn’t hurt them or anything around them. At the time, I didn’t know all that I’m sharing now as I was still experimenting, reading the RUOW material and trying to apply it to my personal issues to see if they worked for me. You don’t have to go through all the circling and the trial and error I did on my journey, you only need to use and apply what I share, and worked for me, to your life issues to see if they work for you, but again, that is your choice.

Another Way to Identify and Heal Denied Rage

I’ve learned many things in the course of my journey and the following is yet another way to begin to release denied rage by identifying it after it has been activated. After you have had an activation where your denied rage was expressing itself, you’ll find a moment when you become aware that your conscious Mind is beginning to be in control again. While your denied rage has basically burned itself out over the initial activation, it still isn’t completely finished as it‘s now whipping itself into a frenzy with thoughts of what it should have done, or could have done differently and what it will do and say the next time it finds itself in that particular situation. As you now know, these aren’t your Minds thoughts, but those of your denied rage. It doesn’t realize the fact that it will never experience the exact same situation again, and so the best laid plans are doomed to fail. When the Mind is activated by a new experience and gaps, denied rage blindly takes control trying to apply the old rules to a new situation, and of course, the rest is history as the cycle repeats itself.

It’s in this moment of awareness where you can begin to work with your denied rage and also get in touch with what some may call your higher-self, or that part of you that is aware of what you are thinking and feeling, the silent witness, the observer. You now recognize that denied rage is not a loving voice and that you do not want to be a party to its agenda. Of course your denied rage with the help of your inner critic, guilt and shame will attempt to override any input from this aspect of your Being, and will be quick to try to confuse and befuddle your Mind to dismiss it, but now that is where intent and choice come into the equation. When you become aware of the voice of denied rage in your thoughts, or those of the inner critic, guilt or shame, all you have to do is to simply say, “I do not accept you. Move back to the point of creation where you came from and reverse your polarity.”

This process is only effective in dealing with your present activation and denial as this is what your denied rage is still on about. What you are basically doing is acknowledging your present denials and seeing your denied rage for what it really is. Since you know what you did and accept responsibility for it, there is no need to pummel yourself to try to change the past or to prepare for a future event. Saying the words gets your denied anger and rage to reverse its polarity for that particular experience and gives you another opportunity to make a different choice the next time you are being activated by a similar experience. That’s not to say that your denied rage will not try to come back with a different tactic as any activation is multi-layered with different imprints, programs and beliefs. If your Mind realizes that a new version of denied rage is trying to gain control, you can also have it reverse itself.

While you may get that aspect of your denied rage to move away and reverse its polarity, don’t be surprised to find it replaced with guilt, shame and the inner critic as they take their turn at you. When that happens and you recognize them for what they are, you can use the same phrase to have them also reverse their polarity. You’ll be surprised at how quickly your Mind is free from the voice of denied anger and rage, the inner critic, guilt and shame that were controlling it when you acknowledge them for what they are and have them reverse themselves. Recognizing the voices and then reversing them gets your Mind out of the rut its been in, and gives it an opportunity for some real problem solving and rational thought, that then creates valuable hindsights. Like I said, it’s not a healing, just a mini step towards a major level of healing. Of course all this is for naught if when the next time you are activated, you deny and gap again.

Chapter 18 - Courage and Vulnerability

In the course of my journey, one thing that has been constant has been my intent to find the truth, and to not give up until I had the answers to what I was searching for. I was not only asking, who, what, where, when, why and how, but also challenging the answers I got by asking more questions. Some would call that stubbornness, while I like to think of it as curiosity and courage. Courage to do what I’ve never done before, to take a chance, to risk being wrong, to face the unknown, to face unlovingness, to face my denials, to speak my truth, to do it alone, and the list goes on and on. While these qualities and traits are deemed admirable, I was also not without doubt and trepidation, as many times, I just wanted to give up, but even having that thought enter my consciousness spurred me to continue my search with more zeal and vigor. The following is an example of how my search for truth led me from one thing to another and how having the courage to do what I have never done rewarded me in unimaginable ways. You will never know unless you try, and unless you try, you will never know.

One of the first things that I had to learn to do was to identify and separate what was me, from what wasn't me, including what I was picking up from other people. Being an Empath, this problem wasn’t obvious to me at first as I ignorantly believed that whatever I was thinking and feeling was me. I would be feeling fine and go to the shopping mall and come back feeling angry and frustrated, even though I got everything I wanted to buy. Other times, I would be on the phone and get off feeling drained and exhausted. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me until I began working with the RUOW books, when I realized I was not only dealing with the physical words and actions of people that were around me, but also the energy and vibration of their thoughts, feelings and emotions that I was picking up, and naively believing they were mine.

Once I was aware that there were outside forces that were affecting me, but that weren’t me, that there was a distinction, a separation, I then became aware that I was not only picking up on their energy but that I was also holding it within me. My obvious first reaction was to protect myself, but I soon found out that that advice was flawed and futile. My next attempt to solve this problem was to focus on the thoughts and feelings I had and to ask them direct questions, and then to feel and analyze if they were mine, and if not, who they were coming from. I learned that I could now distance myself from other people’s thoughts and feelings by sending the energy I was feeling back to their source. While this was effective, it was also after the fact, as I was still in denial of what I was picking up and how not to take it into me in the first place. Like I’ve stated, my journey is one of discovery as I have to learn what works and what doesn’t work by trial and error. I finally found the key to not taking on any energy that wasn’t mine, and that was by simply expressing what I was feeling in the moment I was feeling it. Denying my expression of the energy that I was picking up from other people was what was allowing it to remain inside me. This process then created the separation I needed that allowed me to work with my thoughts and feelings much easier.

So now that I was becoming aware of what was mine, and not mine, that was outside of me, I still had a problem as I was hearing voices that were telling me that what I was saying and doing with others in my outer reality was wrong and unloving. I kept hearing voices inside me that were telling me that they were me, or mine, but they didn't feel like me as they felt unloving, critical, controlling, condescending, etc., yet they kept telling me that they are of love and light and were there to help me. I was confused. I felt and knew that I was love, yet here I had these unloving voices telling me that I wasn't love or loving, yet they were. Something didn’t smell right, something was twisted and I was determined to not only get an answer, but to find the truth.

The next dilemma I faced was to find out just who or what these voices were. Where did they come from? Why are they here? What do they want? Why are they a part of my thoughts? Are they unloving, and if they are, how can I get rid of them? These and hundreds of other questions flooded my Mind as I again began to search for the truth. This internal conflict continued inside me until one day, I was finally able to identify the voice of the unloving Inner Critic, as well as the voices of Guilt and Shame. These voices were inside me, telling me that they were me, but they were not a part of me. I continued to struggle with these inner demons, trying to get them out of me until I finally realized the solution was right there in front of me. Dah! Why don't I do the same thing with these inner voices that I do with the energy that I'm feeling and hearing on the outside? That is, why not ask them who and what they are. If they are love, like they claim to be, then they will be willing to listen to me and to answer my questions directly. If they are unloving and just want to control me, then they will oppose my asking them questions and in that, they will expose themselves for who and what they really are. I then began to challenge the Inner Critic and the voices of guilt and shame and you know what, suddenly they became angry, aloof and distant and they didn't want anything to do with me because they were no longer able to control me. The more I challenged them, the freer I became and the more pissed off they got.

As you can see, we not only have an outer conflict and battle, but we also have an inner one, and it's the inner one that we need to address before we can really end the outer conflict. I still have these voices inside me, but they are almost silent and only present themselves when they feel they have an opportunity to regain control of me. But when I feel or hear them, I challenge them and in doing that, I also get a clue as to what and why they don’t want me to do or say what I was doing or saying, and then I'm even more determined to continue doing or saying what I was before they tried to stop me. So if you listen and feel, you can learn a lot from unloving energy.

There are no failures, only the experience of failing that shows us where we have either conscious or denied judgments and expectations  – Shenreed

Having a Positive or Negative Attitude

There are two points-of-view regarding being positive or having a so-called positive attitude. The most common is to deny whatever you think/feel that is negative and to look at only what you think/feel is positive and acceptable, and what makes you happy. Having a positive attitude doesn’t make the negative go away, nor does it do anything to find the cause of why it is deemed negative. If anything at all, having a positive attitude is really negative in nature as it operates solely on denial and avoidance of what it has no acceptance for.

The other positive point-of-view is to have the courage to accept and look at what is deemed negative, with the intent to find the cause as to why you think it is negative, besides your present judgments that say your judgments are the truth. Once you have acceptance to explore, express and heal all that you judge and experience as negative, you will no longer deem it to be negative as now you will also understand the reasons you had judgments against it. The negative will now not only become a positive, but will also end the repeating cycle that the denial based positive attitude brings with it. Denial based affirmations and points-of-view work, but only for people whose essence and natural state of being is denial of the Will.

Spirit as Causal - the Dilemma

While it is our Will that is the most heavily denied and fragmented Essence of our Being, our Spirit is also fragmented. Spirit fragments and loses Essence when it denies and cuts itself off from the terror experience that it doesn’t want to feel or remember. Not that it experienced what the Will did, as it denied and withdrew from the Will before that happened, but the Essence it loses is at the point where it denies the Will its expression. It then replaces this lost part of itself with judgments that it thinks solved the problem and will keep it safe. These judgments and beliefs then imprinted and programmed the Mind along with its subconscious that these judgments and beliefs are the truth, and so now whenever it is faced with what appears to be a similar situation, it reacts to these imprinted and programmed judgments and beliefs and truly believes that it will not survive a repeat experience.

As Spirit was causal in denying the Will its free expression of what it was feeling and trying to express, it also made judgments against the part of itself that wanted to allow the Will its free expression. In denying the Will, it also denied and fragmented this part of itself so that the major part could do what it felt it had to do in order to survive. For healing to begin, the Mind now needs to not only release the judgments it has against the Will, Heart and Body, but also the judgments it has against itself. The problem is that the Mind can’t simply say that it releases them, like reciting an affirmation or ritual prayer, nor can it say it’s sorry, as whatever words are expressed need to be thought out, acknowledged and heartfelt, and then formally released. Until the judgments are released, they will continue to keep the Mind closed to new thoughts and ideas that would help in the healing process.

The dilemma that Spirit (Mind) now faces is that it is caught between a rock and a hard place. If healing is the intent, Spirit now has to do what it has never done and that is to surrender to love. It needs to allow itself to be open and vulnerable. It needs to take a risk and expect the unexpected. It not only needs to put itself out there and totally expose itself, but it also has to drop its sword and shield. It needs to trust that even though it thinks it is putting itself in harm’s way and in a position, where if threatened, it has no defense and that its very survival is at stake. It not only has to release the judgments it has, but it also needs to allow itself to feel what the Will is feeling that if never felt, by allowing the Will unconditional emotional expression. This is totally new territory and one that terrifies the Mind as it goes against everything that he believes is the truth and love. While the idea of being activated and having to face a similar experience is terrifying, the Mind knows it can do what it has always done when activated by its imprints and programs, and that is to fight, run or give up. This other idea is even more terrifying as it is totally new and unknown territory and one that it has never experienced, that also goes against everything that it believes is true. This is why healing is not a quick fix as there are so many judgments and beliefs, false feelings and emotions, imprints and programs, layers and levels, occurring simultaneously that only add confusion and doubt to the healing process. It takes intent, time, dedication and courage as each needs to be examined and resolved, as and when you become aware of them.

Being Direct - Forthright and Real

Being forthright means being direct, open, honest and of loving intent. Not being forthright is being indirect, closed, evasive, secretive, dishonest and therefore of unloving intent. If you find that you’re going in circles and repeating the same old issues, just in different forms, the problem is a lack of forthrightness and of having a bent intent in that there is an unseen role of denial present. Just like conditional love has various states of being, people on their healing journey are also in various states of denial that prevent them from being totally real. However, the key point to remember is that unconditional love and being real have only one state of being, as there is no denial present. We can't begin to heal and evolve as long as we consciously choose to remain in a state of denial and only give conditional love and acceptance to the other parts of our Being. Wanting to heal your lost Will means being activated and making the choice to heal by loving them unconditionally. Conditional love is not going to do it, as that is what you have been giving them all this time. Wanting healing to be quick, painless and easy are common issues of a lack of being forthright and of having bent intent.

While the Will (intuition, feelings and emotions) may not move as fast as the Mind, or be as articulate, it does have the one undeniable ability that the Mind does not possess, and that is the ability to feel the presence of loving or unloving intent. The Mind cannot feel, and if the Mind denies any input from its Will, the only option that the Mind has to identify if something is loving or not, is by what it indirectly senses through the Body. If the physical sensations that the Mind derives from the Bodies senses, (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell) are uncomfortable or painful, they are deemed to be bad and unloving. If the sensations are pleasant, then the Mind judges that they are good and loving. While these sensations may feel good, the intent behind them may not be loving and without the Will’s input, the Mind is not only blind, but also ignorant to what is, and is not love.

While the Will has issues of unlovingness that she has already taken in, she is not going to open to what she feels is more unlovingness. Therefore, as Spirit/Mind is causal energy and the Soul/Will is receptive energy, it is up to the Mind to be open and honest in its approach to the Will or healing is impossible. The Mind can't come at the Will with unloving intent, without her wanting to reject it. Even if the Mind sugarcoats its intent, the Will can feel through the façade to the truth. That is not to say that the Mind can't over-ride and deny its Will, but every time it does, the more the Will fragments and withdraws and the more healing needs to be done, and the less trust there is between the Mind and Will that any healing is possible.

Being real is being true to yourself and who you are. When you love yourself unconditionally, you also love everything and everyone else unconditionally. You can’t give what you don’t possess, and if you can’t give yourself unconditional love, you can’t possibly share it with others. If you love unconditionally, you do not act differently when you are with your mate, family, friends, peers, strangers, or whether they be a man, woman, young, old, crippled, animals, plants or Spirits and entities. One thing you need to ponder is that when you are being real, there is no need to act. You need to be open and honest like a child that has not yet learned to lie and deny, and what you see is what you get. You need to speak the truth and the truth shall set you free.

When you are confused, or in doubt, ask questions.

When you are activated, seek healing and understanding.

When you feel unlovingness, express what you feel.

When you feel love, express what you feel.

Anything but the simple truth about what you think/feel in the moment is a denial and is not unconditional love. While the truth may be simple, having the courage to be forthright and speak your truth when you are being activated will take courage and loving intent. While that may feel like an impossible task, once you take the first step and see and feel how the truth empowers you, the next steps will be easier as you will now have experience and knowing.

An Issue of Trust

Trust is one of the biggest issues we face on our healing journey. Unfortunately, trust is not a standalone issue as it brings with it both the fear of receiving what is unknown as well as letting go of what is known. With letting go comes the issue of courage, faith and hope, and then we circle back to trust. There are other words that also come into play, but suffice to say these are enough to give you an idea of the complexity of the issue of trust. Before you can trust something new, you need to let go of what you believe is the truth, that which you think and feel is keeping you safe.

Healing is like learning how to swim, as they both require trust. We need to trust and let go of what we consider our security and lifeline in order to be free, and at one with the water. As long as we are standing on the bottom of the lake, hanging onto the dock, an object, or a person for support, we will never know what it feels like to float and be fully supported by the water, or what it feels like to swim freely under its surface. This also applies to all the physical things that we hang on to, or are attached to, like people, places and things that we feel we need in order to survive and enjoy life. We don’t believe and trust that the universe will support us and that we can manifest what we need and desire, that we can live in a totally new way, one that we’ve never experienced before and one that is not going to destroy us. This is an imprint we have, in that we don’t trust God to send us loving light. We live in fear and feel we have to be ever vigilant, or like learning to swim, we are going to sink. This issue of trust is not only about our Spirit/Mind trusting our Soul/Will, or any part of us trusting the other parts of our Being, this issue goes much deeper than that, it goes to our very connection to the Source, to all that is, to the very essence of life.

When we learn to trust ourselves, then trusting others becomes a non-issue as we will trust what our Will is saying about the experience and the relationship, and if we don’t deny expressing what we’re feeling, then there is no problem. It takes courage and intent to do what we have never done before, but once we have experience in healing the gap, everything changes as we then begin to see things in a different light, other than the light of hate and unlovingness that we’ve been used to. Healing and empowering ourselves requires letting go of all the things that we believe we need to support us, that enable us to live. This is one of the most difficult things we are going to have to do as it goes against all that we believe to be true, including our belief in our ability to survive. We need money, a home, food, clothes and all the other stuff to live or to make our life enjoyable, so how can we simply let them go and now suddenly expect the universe to support us. We have imprints, programs and beliefs that make us ever vigilant over people, places and things that we have come to trust as an integral part of our life, or what we have been calling life. But think about this, if all these people, places and things were indeed the source of our happiness, then why are we searching, and what are we searching for that these people, places and things can’t give us? And with that, yet another subtle unseen role of denial and bent intent is exposed.

The plane of Reversal

In the RUOW book, “Heart Song,” it mentions that the gap is surrounded by the plane of reversal that contains the charred remains of Heart. I’ve also touched on this back in Chapter 10, Heart, Love and Original Cause. What I’ve come to understand this to mean that before you can go into the gap and reclaim your lost Will, that Heart (unconditional love) needs to be born in this plane of reversal. This plane of reversal is connected to being real, taking responsibility, ending ones denials and experiencing a level of healing never experienced before. To do that means having the intent, conviction and courage to do the reverse of what you have been doing for all of eternity. It’s a true shift in consciousness, an awakening so-to-speak, that will expand your awareness and prepare you for the other levels of healing. When you are in this plane of reversal, you are literally in no-man’s-land. To get to this place, you need to be in an experience that is activating you and where you are about to gap. Time stops, and it is in this frozen moment of time that you realize this is an opportunity to heal and that you have a choice to make. This is where Heart comes into play as it needs to take the lead and have the courage to help the Mind realize that this is the moment that will change life forever, and that Spirit (Mind) needs to make the decision to do what it has never done and that’s to allow the Soul (Will) to express herself unconditionally. The moment when the Mind decides to allow the Will to express herself unconditionally, is also the very moment that the charred remains of Heart (Unconditional Love) in this plane of reversal are also birthed, and the gap between Spirit and Soul are healed for that particular issue. This is a huge leap of faith and trust, but also one that has the greatest rewards.

If healing your emotions is your intent, it’s not enough to just say that one is going to allow their emotions to surface and express themselves in whatever way they need, and then sit back and wait for the Will to move and heal itself. It’s not the Will that needs to move, it’s the Mind that needs to allow the Will to move and to give it physical expression. It’s also not about allowing the Will that is accepted by the Mind to move, but allowing the lost Will, the feelings and emotions that have been denied movement, to move, to express what it was never allowed to express. Without the Minds acceptance for the expression of the emotions of the Lost Will, something that the Mind has never done, healing is impossible. The Will can’t express itself as it needs the Body to do so, and it’s the Mind that also controls the Body and the part of Heart that is aligned with Spirit. While the Lost Will that is in this place, (the gap) needs to move in order to survive, it can only do so with the help of the Mind that has, to this point, not allowed or wanted to help it move in the way that it needs to. Without the Mind feeling what this part of the Will is feeling and has never been allowed to express, there is no understanding, only unloving judgments and denial.

When activated, both the Mind and Will are in terror. The Mind is in terror of going into a place where it has never been as it fears that it will get trapped like the lost Will, and that it will die. The lost Will is feeling a dreaded sense of hopelessness in that healing is impossible and that it will die where it is if it isn’t allowed to move. This dilemma is portrayed in a symbolic and graphic way in the movie, “What dreams may come” with Robin Williams and Annabelle Sciorra, where Robin Williams plays the husband, the symbolic male, (Mind) and Annabelle plays the wife, the symbolic feminine (Will). What happens near the end of the movie is what needs to happen in real life if healing is to take place. I’m not going to give the story plot away, but there is a lot of material in the movie that will give you some food for thought.

Split Second Choice to End Denial

As soon as a person is activated or triggered into their issues, they only have a fraction of a second before they either react or respond to the situation. The Minds judgments and the Wills false emotions create the illusion that the situation is a repeat of the original traumatic experience. The Mind scrambles to find a solution and does what it thinks it needs to do in order to survive, and when it gaps, it will either fight, run or give up. If a person is activated and goes into denial, then they gap and react to the situation according to their imprints, programs and beliefs. When they gap, it's like they are blinded by denial and are unable to see or hear anything but what their imprints, programs and beliefs tell them.

It would be nice if the person that was going to press your button and activate you into your issues would send up a red flag well in advance so that you could prepare yourself, but that’s not going to happen. You will be activated when you least expect it, so expect the unexpected. Healing is all about the here and now, and being wholly present in the now moment. If you knew who, what, where, when, why and how you were going to be activated, then your Mind would have time to prepare itself and its response and it would not be a spontaneous, “now” healing moment, but would instead be an act, a planned and rehearsed script.

When activated and in denial, (gapped) most will defend their position and point-of-view, believing that they are fending off an attack from the other person. They feel they are expressing the truth and that the other person can’t, or doesn’t want to see or hear it. If you are not in denial and you happen to have activated another person that gaps, when you challenge their blatant lies, denials and fuzzy logic, they will avoid or deny responding to your questions or statements and simply attack you from a new angle. They will never answer your questions directly as they sincerely believe that they are protecting themselves from someone unloving that is trying to control and manipulate them.

From my experience, it's always been easier to see another person’s denial than your own. So if you can allow yourself to see and feel the dynamics within another person’s reactions and denials when they are triggered, you may get the realizations needed to enable you to see and feel your activations in a different light. When you are aware that you are being activated into one of your issues, you now have a choice to make. You can either cling to your old beliefs and points-of-view, or you can be open to explore another point-of-view. When activated, you only have a split second to become aware of all that is going on, and you only get three strikes, (denials) as on the third time you deny, you are out. After your third denial, there is no coming back until your denied rage burns itself out, or if you’ve gone into terror and heartbreak, and you run, or you just give up and accept whatever you think is demanded of you. While you may have missed that opportunity, you will however get another chance to end your denials and heal your issues as the universe will make sure that you will again be triggered and activated to see if this time you make a different choice, other than following your old imprints, programs and beliefs that you keep repeating in denial.

Once you pay attention to your Will and you accept and express what she is telling you in the moment, then, and only then, are you not only loving yourself unconditionally but you are also loving others unconditionally. That doesn't mean rolling over and being nice to others if they are being nasty to you, as that is just another version of the old golden rule. When you love yourself unconditionally, you don't go out and attack others, but you also don't allow yourself to be attacked. The other thing is that once you’ve healed a specific issue, you won’t be activated into that issue again as it’s already been healed. If you can get past the shock and disbelief when you are being activated and allow yourself to be real, you will be able to experience not only healing, but also unconditional love. I’m going to speak more of the three choices to end your denials in the next section.

Freedom - Choice and Surrendering

The words freedom and choice have countless definitions and meanings and while all have some merit, they are all based in conditional love as they all have certain rules or conditions that need to be followed. The freedom and choice I’m talking about isn’t the so-called freedom that democracy brings, or the choices you have while living the illusion of life in your outer reality. The freedom and choice I’m talking about involves your inner reality that becomes blatantly obvious when the illusions of your outer reality are stripped away and you are no longer able to do what you have been doing. It’s only when we have used up all our options to have the choice and freedom we desire in our outer reality, that true freedom can be experienced in our inner reality that then manifests the outer reality we desire. When we come to that moment where we find ourselves alone and at the darkest and lowest point in our lives, when we are filled with terror, heartbreak, and an overwhelming sense of helplessness and hopelessness, feeling that we have no choice or opportunity to change our situation and have the life we desire, that’s also the moment when we have the greatest opportunity to heal our issues and to then experience the freedom and life that we have only dreamt of. It’s at this moment that we need to choose to surrender to love.

By surrender, I don’t mean giving up and doing what you are being told to do, nor is it surrendering your problems and issues to some religious dogma, believing you have no choice or responsibility for what is happening in your life. Whenever you have expectations, you also have conditions, and therefore anything that is created or manifested and experienced is done in conditional love. The surrender I’m talking about is in letting go of your beliefs and what you think is right, and surrendering to love without condition, unconditional love. You may ask, “Why does it have to be unconditional love?” Because unconditional love is something that we have yet to experience in the physical and it begins with us, giving it to ourselves. If we can’t give it to ourselves, how can we know what it is and how can we share what we don’t possess? We may think we know what it is, but when we really think about it, whatever love we have experienced has always been conditional. It’s only when we begin to remove the conditions and restrictions that we have placed on ourselves, that we are truly free. Until then, we are just living the illusion of freedom and choice as we are unknowingly being controlled by our imprints, programs and beliefs and by outside forces, naively believing that they are there for our protection and benefit. Take the example of domesticated animals that have been programmed and imprinted by the use of a fence as a means to control and limit their freedom. Even when the fence is removed and they don’t see a fence, they still behave as if it were there. Just because that’s the way it’s always been doesn’t mean that it’s natural, normal, right or the only way for things to be, or in believing that it can’t be changed. When we surrender to unconditional love, it’s the moment when:

(1) Mind finally admits that it has run out of options to what it thinks is right.

(2) Heart has the courage to tell the Mind what it has never told him.

(3) Mind trusts what its Heart is saying and decides to take a chance.

(4) Mind allows his Will (intuition, feelings and emotions) unconditional expression.

(5) Will finally gets to express and release all that it has been holding.

(6) Heart realizes that unconditional love has been birthed.

(7) Body knows that a sacred union has taken place.

(8) Mind realizes the truth of the experience as it now feels and understands what it has never known, that all is one and that there is no separation between Spirit, Soul, Heart and Body.

It’s only when we surrender to love that we are truly free and have choice, as our conscious awareness has shifted from one of conditional love, where the Mind, and all the other voices have been in control, to one of unconditional love where all parts of our Being share in the experience. It’s then that our self-image shifts from one of being Mind centered and driven, (altered ego) influenced by our old imprints, programs and beliefs and by outside forces, to one where we are being influenced by our entire Being and guided to follow our destiny path, which will be quite different from what our Mind had believed it was when we were trying to live the social dream based on money, possessions, status and power. When we begin to align with our destiny path, it’s then that we reveal our true colors and portray our true self, but until we do, we continue to live our life through the lens of our false persona, our altered Ego that is still controlled by our old imprints, programs and beliefs.

Courage and the Watch Dog

When you’re being mentally, emotionally or physically attacked, or you feel that what is being presented is unloving and phony, and you deny expressing what you are feeling in that moment, you are setting yourself up to experience your denials. Now if your Spirit (Mind) misses the opportunity on your first input from your Will, (Intuition, feelings and emotions) that something is amiss, you get a second chance to express yourself and to reverse the situation. A split second later your Will again tries to give you her input about the situation. If you deny that opportunity, all is not lost as you still have one more chance to end your denials. However, if you deny expressing your Will the third time she tries to give you input, you are now gapped and your Mind is trapped and being activated into your fight, run or give up mode, where you will experience your denials. The three chances at ending denials is similar to the game of baseball where you get three chances to swing the bat and hit the ball, before you are considered out for that inning.

Later, when you, or they have withdrawn from the situation, your denied rage will be blaming and flaming them or you as being the problem, and will continue to do so until it slowly burns itself out. As it does, it either feels vindicated and justified for whatever it did, or it will begin to develop elaborate, “what if” plans, should this scenario happen again. If you were triggered into your terror, then you would have run from the situation and guilt and shame will be pummeling you for having failed again. If you gave up, then you would be feeling the heartbreak and hopelessness that there is no end to your misery and that healing is impossible. Gapping is always a no win situation as what happens in the gap and afterwards is the complete reversal of what should have happened in the first moment you felt that something was off.

In the first moments of being activated, when your Will was telling your Mind that it felt that you were being attacked, your Mind denied your Will’s input and never allowed her to express what she was feeling. Later, you are angry at her, and blame her as being the cause of your problems, when in fact, you should be taking responsibility for your denials and having betrayed yourself and for being a hypocrite. You missed the golden opportunity to heal an issue, and you wonder why the same scenario keeps happening time and time again, SSDD (Same Shit Different Day) and so now you moan, groan and complain to others, wanting their sympathy and support. You still want to change the situation, but you want it changed according to your plan. You still blame others as being the problem, wanting them to change, yet you knew what was happening and had an opportunity to stop them, yet you chose to be silent.

As an example, if the activating experience was one where you were being mentally, emotionally and physically attacked and you feared for your safety and even your life, but had an issue that expressing anger and rage was wrong as you judged that you didn’t want to be like the person that was attacking you. You sought an amicable compromise, but were soon activated and gapped into your imprints, and for this example, let’s say you ran. Instead of having allowed your Will its real expression, including your real anger and rage to express itself in the moment your Will felt something was wrong and that they were attacking you, you denied them, and now, after the fact, it’s your denied rage that is yapping, barking, howling, and wagging your tongue at them.

Your Mind (in denial), is like a cowardly watch dog that hears and sees a thief enter his master’s house in the middle of the night. You keep hidden, crouched under some furniture for protection, your tail between your legs. You quiver, but remain silent as you watch and listen to all that is going on. Then, when the thief has stolen what he came for and has left the house, you spring from your hiding place and bark and growl furiously, waking the whole household. You continue yapping and barking, while scratching at the door, pretending that you’re eager to go after the thief. You act like you’re doing your job, hoping that your master will say, "What a good watch dog," and maybe, he will even reward you for your courageous efforts. You put on a false bravado, false courage, when in fact, you have no courage, no Heart at all. You didn’t bark when the thief was entering the house as you were afraid that the thief might turn on you and harm you. The only reason that you barked after the thief left, is again because you have no courage. If you didn’t bark to wake your master and he came down and saw that the house had been robbed while you hid under the couch or slept in the corner, he would either punish you or get rid of you, as he’d consider you a useless watchdog.

Denial is a Mind game you play that is in direct opposition to what you would do if you were being real and expressing self-love. You will always be the hapless victim and the scapegoat until you have the courage to express what you are really feeling in the moment you are being activated. Anything less is denial and will only serve to continue the cycle of abuse.

Sometimes we need to lose ourselves in order to find ourselves. – Shenreed

Chapter 19 - The Healing Journey

I am on a journey to heal and empower myself and while it’s true that I’ve suffered mental, emotional and physical abuse, and still am in some ways, it’s also true that I’m no longer suffering in the way I used to. The issues that I’m presently going through are not the same as those I went through earlier. It’s not that I’ve denied and moved past them, but that I’ve healed those lost parts of me and now I’m in the process of healing other parts of my Being. When I talk with people that say they are also on their healing journey and have healed many of their issues, I know by what they are saying, and not saying, that they have yet to have a healing breakthrough, and that they have not healed what they say they have. I see them as being where I was a few years ago, struggling to make that first step and take that leap of faith that will begin the transformation. People are confused when I share what I’ve experienced and don’t believe me when I say that I know what they’re going through as I’ve “Been there done that,” but that all changed after my healing experiences and I’m no longer faced with the issues I had. They earnestly believe that if I know what they are feeling and going through, that I should still have the same feelings and emotions that they do, and that if I don’t, then I’m not being real and am in denial, and just a holier than thou asshole and hypocrite. They sincerely believe that if I have healed my issues as I say I have, that I should still have the same unresolved issues, feelings and emotions. In other words, while they say they want to heal, they don’t really believe healing is possible as they have yet to experience it.

To use an analogy, say I meet a group of people where one person has just broken their leg or arm. And let’s say for this analogy, that their belief and truth is that there is no medical known cure and all that their doctor’s can do for them is to give them drugs to numb the pain until the bones have set, or the leg or arm needs to be cut off. They believe that it can’t be set and healed and be as it once was, and that for the rest of their life they are just going to have to live with it, to endure the pain and hobble around with a crippled leg or be hampered with a crippled arm. Have a positive attitude, live with it as best you can, is the belief they cling to that their doctors have told them. I come on the scene and tell them that I have a different truth, that they don’t need to be crippled for the rest of their life and that the leg or arm can be healed. That the pain will go away once it’s healed and they can live life like they did before they broke it. I share the tools that they can use to mend their broken bones, and I explain what needs to be done and why. I tell them how I set my broken arm and leg, and that they’ve healed and now look and feel like they were never broken. They look at me as if I was crazy, that what I say isn’t, and can’t be true as nobody has ever done it. They say that I’m no doctor and that I don’t know what I’m talking about, that I’ve never had a broken leg or arm like they have, and that I don’t know how it feels and the pain they are in. I exclaim that yes I do, I’ve been there done that. I’ve had a broken leg and arm so I know what it feels like, and I also know what it feels like when they are healed. I tell them that the reason that I don’t feel the pain anymore is because there is no pain, and that my leg and arm are healed. I don’t need to writhe in pain and roll on the ground, grasping my leg and arm, screaming in agony as there is no longer any physical pain. If I did, it would be an act and not real.  Because I don’t show the same feelings and emotions or have the same beliefs and judgments that they do, they think that I’m lying. Of course, they don’t believe me, and no matter what I say or do, nothing will convince them otherwise unless it is aligned with their truth.

Healing isn’t simple, and yet it is. I don’t claim that my truth is the truth for everyone and that what works for me will work for you. While you and I, or anyone else for that matter, don’t share the exact same experiences, what we do share in common (for those of us that feel) are our feelings and emotions, regardless of our personal experiences. That means that feeling alone, abandoned, betrayed, unheard, attacked, heartbreak, terror, anger, rage and all the other feelings and emotions are the same for anyone that feels them, and are not dependant on any specific personal experience, as they are universal.

We can’t fix a problem unless we first accept the fact that there is a problem. While there are countless experiences that can break our Will, our intuition, feelings and emotions, there are two things I’ve come to know on my journey. Firstly, that our feelings and emotions are the same; that heartbreak feels the same for you as it does for me, and secondly, that denial affects our emotions and while denial is complex in the various forms it takes, it’s also simple, as it’s the common element that is able to break, or fragment our Will. When we end our denials of our Will, we can begin to heal and understand how our feelings and emotions were hurt, and to then empower ourselves by eliminating the cause of our pain and suffering. This, and my other books are all about finding and healing the cause, and not about treating the symptoms.

To heal, you must feel; and to feel, you must be real. – Shenreed

Healing Cycles

While there are certain mini healings that are done alone through the use of meditation/visualization and self-regression, the main mini healing work requires the help of another person, place or thing to activate or trigger you. Having a friend that is also interested in healing is a great help as they can take you on journeys to places that your Mind doesn’t want to go, and they can also challenge you when you are in denial and vice versa. You will discover that you will have numerous mini healings that help prepare you for a major level of healing. Also know that you will not progress until you are ready and neither are you given more than you can handle.

We begin with the mini personal healings and then work from the outside in. By that, I mean that we begin working on our personal issues with ourselves and when ready, we move into our outer reality to deal with the same issues with strangers. Once we are comfortable in ending our denials and expressing our real feelings and emotions with strangers, we gradually move inward to finally deal with the same issues with our more intimate relationships, our family and mate. When we have accomplished a mini healing by ending our denials with our family and partner, we begin again. Of course, if we are in denial, we keep repeating the same old activators with no healing, insights or understandings, but with a lot of hindsights that we have yet to apply to the next experience. We keep repeating the mini healing process and moving forward until we have a breakthrough and what I call a major level of healing, and then we move on to our other issues and the next level of healing. The reason that we work from the outside in, is that we have no or fewer attachments to strangers than we do with the people that we are close to. The closer we are to people, the more attachments we have and it’s these attachments that must be released in order for healing to take place. Since we have fewer attachments to strangers, we can be more real and not in denial with them, than we can with those that are close to us. We first work with ourselves internally and then apply what we have discovered externally with strangers, and if we are successful, we then work back up the line until we can be real and not in denial with the people that are closest to us, our mate and sexual partner. The different external applications of one’s mini healings within a level of healing are:

1) Personal

2) Intimate (mate - sexual)

3) Family

4) Friends

5) Peers

6) Groups

7) Society

8) Humanity

People just don't meet by accident; there is always a reason and a purpose. When any two people meet there is always a two-way opportunity for healing and understanding to take place, but this is also where people get stuck. When one or both are activated and triggered by their imprints, programs, beliefs, judgments and false emotions, they either fight, run or give up. If both choose to end their denials, then both have a healing experience. If only one person chooses to end their denials, then it is that person that has the healing experience. As a personal example, while fighting and running was my pattern, I made a choice and a shift that the other person that was also activated, didn't. I had a healing experience and they are still stuck. Not only are they stuck, they are also stuck a little deeper in the gap as a result of their denials of that experience.

The wall (your issue) has a door, and it’s you (and only you) that has to not only open it, but go through the door and into the room called the gap where your lost Will and Essence is to be found. This is what I’ve done, not only once, but several times with different issues and on different levels of healing. I often hear people say that they are healing their issues and emotions and are loving themselves unconditionally, yet in the same breath they say they are still struggling with the same old problems and issues. By that comment, I know they are in denial and stuck on that side of the wall and are just putting up a smoke screen, a façade, when they say they love themselves unconditionally. I'm not totally free and unstuck from denial, but I know what works for me and I’m freeing myself, and that is what I share in this book. You will only know if what I say works for me also works for you, by applying the tools I share and experiencing their effects for yourself.

Healing the Present - Healing Past Lives

In the course of our earthly sojourn, we die a series of little deaths whenever we have a traumatic experience where we reach our breaking point and in order to survive, we cut off a part of us that then becomes our fragment. Most of our fragmentation occurs when we are children and have no choice to stop the abuse, and because real expression is denied, it creates imprints, programs and beliefs that then creates a cycle of abuse with more fragmentation. By the time we’re old enough to stop the abuse, we’re so imprinted and programmed that we don’t know which way to go, except around in circles. That fragmented part of us is basically left near death, barely clinging to life. It is not only cut off from the rest of our Being, but is also rejected and hated by it. If these fragments are not recovered and healed, they are basically left for dead when we die a physical death. While we think that only our current life and issues are real and meaningful, we fail to realize that we are caught in the same old denial trap and dealing with the same old imprints, programs and issues we had in our past lives, or karma, as it is know in the Eastern cultures. It’s these fragments or lost pieces of our Being that we have incarnated to recover.

Unbeknownst to us, we’re dealing with the same old issues, incarnation after incarnation, with our imprints and programs being passed down to us through our blood line and the very DNA of our physical bodies. We’re blindly running on the old imprints, programs and beliefs of past generations that are now being replayed in this lifetime, albeit in a different form. It’s still about the same basic issues, that of our denial in refusing our Will its free expression, just like we did in our past lives. So now, in this incarnation, we’ve set the stage again, to either heal and recover our lost essence, or to lose more like we did in the past by continuing our denials until death and reincarnation is our only option, and then enter another cycle in an attempt to recover what has been lost. If we don’t heal, the cycle will continue until such time that recovery will be impossible and our Essence will cease to exist.

To quote William Shakespeare from, “As You Like It,” Act II Scene VII

“All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts,

His acts being seven ages.”

We enter into the physical stage of the Earth plane and go through life as if we were actors and actresses, playing our parts and reciting some rehearsed lines as if they gave meaning to our life, yet oblivious to the fact that we are more than what we act to be. So the question is, how do we heal the past in this lifetime, if we are not even conscious of our past lives? While it may seem contradictory, we heal the past by healing the present. While the present conscious Mind doesn’t remember, or want to remember or communicate with the fragments in this life time, our Higher Self is very aware of our fragments, and it is through our Higher Self that certain experiences are arranged so that the lost Will fragments can be recovered. While it may seem like an unloving burden to carry this pain and suffering from generation to generation, it is actually quite the opposite when you see Karma and reincarnation for what they really are, which is love. It’s the only way that our Higher Self can hope to recover the parts that have been lost through the countless incarnations we have had in the Earth plane and also in other dimensions. In-between incarnations, while we are in Spirit form, we, as a collective consciousness of ourselves with our Higher Self, realize we have lost Essence. We then choose our present incarnation and Earthly sojourn in an attempt to recover the lost parts of our Being.

An analogy would be riding a bicycle over a certain rough terrain and then hitting an obstacle and falling off and hurting ourselves. We pick ourselves up, carry on and arrive at our destination. In retrospect, we realize what we could have done things differently to avoid the obstacle and falling off. Thinking about it doesn’t mean you know it will work and the only way to find out is to try your idea the next time you meet a similar situation and that is where our analogy ends as there is a rub. The rub is that in real life, if we knew what we came here to do and how to do it, there would be no need to reincarnate as we would have fixed the problem a long time ago. We need to arrive with a clean slate, so to speak, where we have no conscious memory of what the problem is, or how to fix it, only knowing that there is a problem that needs to be fixed. That knowing and other data is imprinted and coded in our physical DNA.

Part of the healing and recovery process requires that we need to have the physical experiences that will enable us to end our denials and enter the gap to reach those lost parts. Any part of us that has survived has never felt the betrayal, unlovingness, abandonment, hopelessness and death that these lost fragmented parts have felt. In all our lifetimes, we have never allowed ourselves to feel what those lost parts felt when we cut them off, because as soon as we began to feel uncomfortable, we rejected and disowned them and they became our Lost Will fragments. If we had acceptance for them in the first place, they would not be lost and we would not be having to relive past issues in order to recover and heal them.

Now in order to heal this issue and recover the lost parts of me, my Higher Self, in between lifetimes, made mutual agreements with other people. These agreements would give me the opportunity to experience events in this lifetime that would set me up for the same scenario of either trusting my Will, or overriding her and giving the benefit of the doubt to others. Of course, if I continued to deny my Will, I will have learned and healed nothing. If I didn’t heal this issue in this lifetime, it would continue to happen, lifetime after lifetime, losing more and more Essence until there is no choice but death. Not the same form of physical death that we experienced in past lives where the part of us that can escape, does so; but the kind of death that the fragment was left to experience when it was abandoned and rejected, with the added gradual but ultimate complete loss of consciousness where our Essence no longer exists. Without a Will, there is no life. Of course all this trusting and expressing our Will isn’t just a one-time experience, but is the ongoing and unconditional acceptance of our Will. This is the unconditional self-love that we have never experienced and is why the love we have been taught and have been experiencing, has been conditional love and has never been what we truly desired.

When you are in doubt, give yourself the benefit of the doubt. – Shenreed

Mini Healings - Baby Steps

Moving your feelings and emotions when you’re activated in private and during a meditation/visualization, will allow you to take your first baby healing steps that will then enable you to do other mini healings with a partner, or others in public. Giving yourself permission to end your denial of your Will by allowing yourself to feel and express your real feelings and emotions during these first steps enables you to express what you really feeling later when you are being triggered into a full blown activation of the issue that needs to be healed. If you can’t allow yourself these first baby steps by allowing your real feelings and emotions to begin to move in private or with a partner, then you will never be able to reach any of the other steps and healing will be impossible.

Putting the pieces of the puzzle together is difficult as quite often, even a simple puzzle piece is made up of another puzzle that needs to be put together so that you can use it to complete the puzzle and move onto the next. Healing can also be compared to a baby learning how to walk, as both involve the process of bringing consciousness into physical reality. A human baby is not born with the ability to walk like some wild animals, or with the knowledge of what it needs to do to survive, as it is totally dependent on its parents. It learns to walk by trial and error, first learning how to roll over on its belly, then how to crawl, sit and then stand with support. Then come the faltering and unknown first steps as it puts a foot out, not knowing what will happen. It will fall, but it will try and try again. Then, one day, when it has experienced enough things that don’t work, it will know what does work and it will be ready to walk, run, jump and dance. It’s a learning process and a journey, and so too is healing ones emotions.

You need to begin by looking for the little pieces, the minute details that seem insignificant but will clue you in to what is really going on. You have to look at the tree and not just see the forest that looms before you. A good way to begin is to keep a journal. Try not to just write down your thoughts, feelings and emotions, but to also allow yourself to express any feelings and emotions that you are feeling as you are writing. It’s also a good idea to put key words in the margins that will act as a quick reference in the future. Journaling is an important healing tool in that it gives the Mind proof that certain events, feelings and emotions were felt, that it could otherwise easily deny and forget if there wasn’t this physical proof in black and white that it can’t deny. Denials have to end if healing is to begin.

Darkest Before the Dawn

On your healing journey, you will be moving between the various aspects of terror, anger, rage and heartbreak. When the illusion of what you thought was love begins to shatter and your world begins to fall apart, you will feel utterly deserted by your friends and loved ones and feel that there is no acceptance for you, and that no one in the world loves you as you are. You need to either willingly let go, or lose all the things that you think define you in order for you to find and heal yourself. You’ll feel the depths of despair and hopelessness and may feel that there is nothing left to live for. When your outer reality begins to fall apart is the time when you finally realize how alone you are. While this may feel like the end of the world, it’s also the beginning of a new one when you realize that this is also a healing opportunity, that the heartbreak and hopelessness you’re feeling is what your fragments have been feeling ever since you rejected and abandoned them to save yourself. They felt they were unlovable as you were too busy trying to be loved and accepted by those in the outside world to feel and accept these lost parts of you that you are now feeling.

It’s at this dark time that you not only need to connect with these lost fragmented parts of you by ending your denials of them, but to also accept and love them as a part of you. This moment isn’t just a mental acknowledgement and saying that you love them and yourself, it needs to be heartfelt and genuine or these parts of you will feel the lack of love in your intent and will feel betrayed again by you. Saying that you love yourself doesn’t make it so, anymore than saying that you are a chicken or a frog makes you one. It’s something that needs action and not just talk, as without loving intent to end your denials, accompanied by action in your interactions with others, these fragments will remain lost and you will continue to go in circles, facing the same old issues again and again.

It doesn’t matter if a single person in the whole world loves you according to your old beliefs, as all that matters is that you can love yourself unconditionally. Society would have you believe that your self-worth and success as a loving human being depends on people liking and accepting you. That belief is completely backwards as you need to do the opposite of what you have been doing all your life. The love that you’re looking for needs to come from within and not from the outside. Of course, when you do the opposite of what everyone else is doing, they will say you are wrong and crazy, but the people that really love and accept you, still love you, and the people that have no acceptance for you and hate you, will always hate you no matter what you do. Of course, there are also those that will say they love and accept you but they’re in denial, and you’ll feel it in what they say and don’t say. It’s now that you begin to see the unseen role of denial and the truth behind the illusion that you have been calling love and life. When you love yourself unconditionally you will not need others to say they love you or to make you happy, as you will be doing that for yourself.

Doing the opposite of what you have being doing will feel wrong as it is something that you have never done in all your existence, because if you did, you wouldn’t be experiencing and feeling all the things you are. You will have to decide for yourself if this is something that you are willing to try. It works for me, I don’t know if it works for you, as only you know what is in your Heart. Allow yourself to feel and express yourself from your Heart. Healing begins in the Heart, plant the seed of love and watch it grow.

Healing Begins in the Heart

While it’s our Mind that is in control of the other aspects of our Being, our Mind also needs to be healed by releasing all the imprints, programs, beliefs and judgments that it thinks and believes are true, but are in reality, false and unloving and do not serve our highest purpose and good. The Mind needs to be deprogrammed and then reprogrammed, and I don’t mean filling your Mind with positive affirmations. The Mind has to be willing to look at itself, its intent and actions, and if it can't convince itself to change and let go of its old beliefs and judgments and be willing to try another approach, then healing will be impossible. One of the polarity attributes of Spirit (Mind) is to give, to take action, while the corresponding attributes of the (Soul) Will, is to receive and respond. This defining feature of polarity is beautifully illustrated in Chinese cosmology by the Yin Yang symbol. It’s the male/female, the in-breath/out-breath and how both are separate and unique, yet function as one. One cannot exist without the other. It’s not in the Wills nature or ability to get the Mind to move off its frozen point-of-view as the Will can’t make the first move to get the Mind to open and allow the Will to express what she needs to express. It’s the Mind that needs to make the first move and it’s the Mind that is also being controlled by its imprints, programs and beliefs as well as the other voices that tell it that it’s right and that the Will and her intuition, feelings and emotions are wrong. So if any healing is to take place, it’s the Mind that has to come off its frozen point-of-view and make the move to approach the Will with openness and unconditional love, which, by the way, is something it has never done before or there wouldn’t be this gap between Spirit and Will. The Will is then free to respond and express what it has never been allowed to express. The question that begs to be asked is, how is the Mind going to do this? How can the Mind get past its imprints, programs and beliefs long enough to see that there is another option? How do you get a closed Mind to become open to new ideas? What voice will the Mind listen to other than its own and the other unloving voices that are controlling it?

The part of you that is aware of these words has the power to help heal your Mind and for it to end its denials of the other aspects of your Being. This part of you that is connected to your Mind is your Heart, and it is your Heart that has to have the courage to tell your Mind when it is being activated and about to go on auto-pilot, that it has wrong information and that it needs to change its point-of-view. The Mind finds it difficult to let go of the thoughts and ideas that it is attached to, especially what it considers to be the truth. The Mind trusts Heart more than it does the Will or Body, and it’s Hearts voice that needs to encourage the Mind to try another approach and be open to change its point-of-view. While Heart can influence the Mind, Heart also has to end its denials and have the courage to risk expressing itself. If Heart is afraid to challenge the Mind for risk of losing whatever acceptance the Mind has of Heart, nothing will change as the Mind will merely cling to its old imprints, programs and beliefs, and do what it has been doing for all of eternity. Heart is in a unique position as it’s not only connected to the Mind, but also to the Will and Body as it knows what the Will wants and needs, and what the Body is holding. If Heart is not willing to challenge the Mind and get it to shift its point-of-view to allow the Will to move unconditionally, it knows that real healing cannot take place and that life will cease to exist.

But, here is that but again. While I’ve mentioned that the Mind, Will and Heart are fragmented and the Body is damaged, what also needs to be addressed is the part of Heart that has yet to be born or made manifest. What was birthed at the dawn of creation was Heart with conditional love that was polarized either toward Spirit (Mind) or toward the Soul (Will). What was never birthed was the part of Heart that is unconditional love, and that is the part that now needs to be born in the gap, as that is where it is. This part of Heart is not the Spirit polarized part of Heart that is already aligned with, accepted, and allowed expression by the Mind that defines love by what is said or done, nor is it the denied and rejected Will polarized part of Heart that defines love by how it feels. This part of Heart (Unconditional Love) has never been experienced in all of creation, as it has never been birthed. It now needs to be born, manifested, in order to facilitate an unconditional union and heal the gap between Mind and Will. Just as the Will polarity has been denied by the Spirit polarity, so too has this part of Heart been denied, but, it has been denied by both the Spirit and Will polarity. While both parts of Heart are aware of it, it has been the Spirit polarity part of Heart that has been the key player in suppressing and denying it, as it fears that if it approached Spirit with this information, that it would suffer the same fate as Will polarity Heart and be denied and rejected. Will polarized Heart has been denying it because it feels unconditional love is just a dream and something that can’t be experienced no matter how hard it tries. But now, Heart sees and feels that nothing will survive if this other part of Heart isn’t born. It now sees that Spirits denial of the Will has only served to weaken Spirit and for it to lose power and Essence, and that without the Will, it is slowly moving toward death, as is the Will without Spirit. If life is the choice, denials have to end.

This unconditional love aspect of Heart is about connection, compassion and acceptance, and not about the attachments, judgments or denials that presently define what love is or isn’t. If Heart is unable to create an unconditional connection between the Mind and Will, healing is impossible. For this connection to take place, Heart needs to express itself in the moment that it is aware that the Mind is being activated. It needs to find the courage to tell the Mind that it has wrong information and that in order to know what is really the truth, it needs to open and move to extend itself unconditionally to the Will. Heart also knows that the Will is not going to open unconditionally to the Mind if it feels that denials and a hidden agenda are present. The Soul (Will) feeling Hearts presence and Spirits (Minds) unconditional love will then open space to receive Spirits light. The moment when the Soul opens herself unconditionally to receive Spirit, that is moving unconditionally toward her, and the two unite as one, is the very moment that Heart (unconditional love) is born in the gap. With the Will opening space to receive the Mind, the Mind is then able to feel and understand what the Will was holding and what needs to be done to allow healing to take place, and for Mind and Will to be in balance and harmony, connected and moving as one.

Anyone can talk of loving themselves and others unconditionally, especially when they are not being activated, but that is only reflecting the Spirit polarity aspect of Heart, as without application, there is no personal experience and knowing. While you may think you have a mental understanding of what unconditional love is, and honestly believe you have and are expressing it, that doesn’t mean that you know what it is, or have the courage (Heart) to express and experience it when you’re being activated by one of your issues. By that I mean, you can’t call your denials and the conditional love you are presently thinking and doing as being unconditional love, as denying a condition doesn’t make it unconditional. A tell tale sign that a person doesn’t know what unconditional love is, is that they try to define it, and remember, that is how Spirit and Spirit Polarity Heart define love, which is of course, conditional.

Neither can you simply call for unconditional love from your guides or God when you are in the gap, as that is not taking responsibility for your healing. You need to birth it for yourself. That is to say, that unconditional love has to come from you, your Heart, Mind and Will, as that is how Heart is born in the gap, and how you empower yourself. In the very moment that you are being activated into your old imprints, programs and beliefs of fight, run or give in, and are about to gap, there is a fraction of a second when your Mind becomes aware of your Hearts message that there is another way, another choice, other than to react as it has been doing. Remember that the Mind has to deny itself three times before you actually gap, and you can have these thoughts and feelings flash through your Mind and deny them, all in a matter of milliseconds. If you don’t have the intent to consciously be aware of when you are being activated and triggered, then you will always miss these opportunities.

In the past, the way that an activation played itself out was that when the Mind was being triggered into a panic attack, (fear and terror) it was unaware that this fear was the result of a past traumatic experience that created the inner and outer child (lost Will fragments.) While it has been desperately trying to forget any past traumatic experiences, it has never been successful and has just been repeating the same issues, albeit in different forms. Now if the Mind has been doing the healing work as described in my books and has been accessing its inner and outer child and allowing old denied feelings and emotions to be expressed, it has moved to a level where it has limited understanding and acceptance for the Will to allow her to express herself. When the Mind has this new understanding (point-of-view) and is now activated or triggered, the Mind, (with Hearts input) recognizes that this activation is actually a healing opportunity to enable it to feel and understand what the real issues are. The Mind now sees its activation as a door, a way to heal another part of itself and gain new understandings, and instead of denying its fear, it trusts and takes a leap of faith and opens the door to the gap to face what it has been denying and avoiding. The Mind also realizes, (from hindsight) that unless it feels what the Will feels, what it has been avoiding and denying, it can’t understand what the Will is feeling and wanting to express. The Mind now chooses to surrender to love with the intent to allow the Will and its lost Will fragment unconditional expression.

For this union and healing to happen, the Will needs to trust that when she opens to Spirit, that she will receive unconditional love and light and not be struck, denied and rejected like she has been in the past; that Spirit is now willing to feel what she has been holding and allow her to express herself unconditionally. The moment when the Will feels that Spirit is moving toward her with unconditional love and she trusts and opens space to receive Spirit light unconditionally, is the very moment that Heart (unconditional love) is born in the gap. Where there was a gap and separation between Mind and Will, there is now a union and oneness. It’s the magical moment when unconditional love is made manifest and is felt and experienced in the physical. It’s the moment when your life is transformed as you realize that you’ve found what you’ve been searching for all your life, your existence, and that all your thoughts and ideas of what love is, are now forever changed.

When the Mind has unconditional love and acceptance for the Will and allows her to express herself in whatever manner she needs to, it has no idea as to what the Will is going to say or do, and neither is there any filtering of the information that is coming from the Will. In the past, the Mind filtered any input from the Will and only allowed her to express what was aligned with its imprints, programs and beliefs. So now, this is an entirely new experience for the Mind and for the Will too. The Mind is now aware that what the Will is saying is the truth and is in complete agreement with every word and action. While the Mind is aware of the new information that the Will is sharing, it is also busy analyzing its old imprints, programs and beliefs, and replacing them with new ones that now include the Will. The Will is ecstatic that it can now move in the way it needs to without reservation. Both Mind and Will share this moment of awareness with awe and wonder. This is a life-altering event, as unconditional love is something that has never been experienced before. Once experienced, you now know what it is, and that it’s not what you thought it was. It’s an awakening to a new beginning and a new world.

But, yet another but! Just because you’ve had one experience of unconditional love, that doesn’t mean that now suddenly all your issues are healed. Only the issue where you were activated and experienced unconditional love was healed, but this is also the key to healing all your other issues as it lays the framework for the Mind trusting its Will and to begin to reprogram itself, and for the Will to trust that she will continue to gain acceptance. You will need to repeat the same process for every issue you have and every issue has different imprints, programs and beliefs that need to be dealt with and every issue will need to be triggered in its own special way as no one activation can possibly deal with the myriad of issues we have. Healing is a slow and gradual process as we are basically undoing what we have done for all our existence. While it will be slow work at first, I feel that reclaiming our lost essence, powers and gifts will be an exponential process and that soon, we will be creating and living the life we have always dreamed of.

Healing begins in the Heart. - Shenreed

Life Purpose and the Meaning of life

While we may have an idea of our life’s purpose, one that fits into the socially acceptable concept of having a goal, a career, of making a contribution and leaving our mark in the world, that is not the real purpose and mission of our life. I need to clarify that last statement as there is another but, and that being, but that is exactly what some people, the Spirit polarity and denial Spirits have incarnated for. They are here because they like the feeling of having power and control over others. These are the people that appear to have it made, that live the good life and have what they desire without any of the issues or problems that the rest of us, the Will polarity, seem to have with our feelings and emotions when we try to be like them. Their intent, and therefore their purpose is different than ours, and when we can acknowledge and accept that they are different, we will begin to empower ourselves.

While we may look at the “otherkin” and think and believe that we’re a failure if we don’t have or do the same things they do, remember, it’s not about what others say or do, nor is it about appearance, it’s about what we do for ourselves that is important, and by that I mean, ending our denials. Those of us that are of the Will polarity are here to heal and empower ourselves by loving ourselves unconditionally and healing and reconnecting with our lost essence. When we do that, what we will experience will be something that we have yet to dream. While it may not be clear in this moment, our real purpose, and I’m talking on a core level of our Being, is to heal and evolve all of our Essence, our consciousness, and to bring Heaven to Earth, meaning to experience unconditional love in a physical creation.

It doesn’t matter what religious beliefs we were brought up with, or if we’re an agnostic or atheist; our religious beliefs don’t alter the fact that we’re a Spiritual (energy) Being having a physical experience, which is the opposite of what religions would have us believe, and that science denies for lack of proof. As a Spiritual (energy) Being, we choose to experience the lower vibrations and denser frequencies of physical life that cannot be experienced in the higher frequencies of the Spiritual realm, as for our thoughts and desires (energy) to be experienced, they need to be differentiated and manifested into matter in some physical form or body.

Ever since our first incarnation when we fragmented and cut pieces of ourselves off from the main part of our Essence in order to return to the Spirit realm, we have been trapped in a cycle of reincarnation and karma. While some seek only the pleasures of the physical reality, others are reborn to try to recover what has been lost. When we experience life in the physical plane and we fragment, those lost pieces of us do not magically come with us when we die, when the major part of our Essence returns to the Spirit realm, but are left here on Earth in the Astral plane. And, contrary to religious beliefs, being in Spirit form doesn’t mean that we are in heaven and have left all our worldly cares and worries behind us, and are now enjoying a life of reverie and bliss with our loved ones. When we are in the Spirit realm of consciousness, we are fully aware of the lost fragmented pieces of our Being and that without them, we are incomplete and not whole. Our choice is then to try and reclaim those lost pieces of our Being and that is where reincarnation and Karma comes into play. We have been returning to Earth (and other realms) time after time in an attempt to recover and heal, but have been failing thus far as we were unaware of the unseen role that denial played in both our fragmentation and our ability to reclaim our lost Essence.

So the purpose of our being born, or re-born, and to have a physical life, is to heal and become whole, to be at one with all that we are, so that no longer is any part of our Essence held separate from our Being by our denials. Our purpose of this lifetime is to end our denials of ourselves and to recover our lost Essence and power, not only in this life time, but in all the life times that we have experienced. So why do we forget all this when we are born? If we were born with the awareness of what our purpose was, and the ability to recognize the unseen role of denial, then we would have already healed our issues. We were not aware of the unseen role of denial, as it is only now coming to our awareness, and only for those that choose to see, feel and heal.

But, that old but again, not all people or Essence on Earth desires life or to experience unconditional love. As mentioned before, there is Essence that desires to experience unconsciousness to the point of ceasing to exist, death, and they need to be allowed to have what they desire. Everyone and everything will now be moved to their right place, where they will have and experience what they desire. Those that desire to over power and control others will be with those that desire to be controlled, and while that may sound unloving, it is unconditional love and free Will to have choice and to live by the choices they make until such time that they choose otherwise. Love has infinite forms and ways to manifest, and conditional love, where there is denial of the Will, is an aspect that had been expanding, but will now be shrinking and diminishing as unconditional love is made manifest, and Essence moved to their right place. No more will there be the mixing of Essence that seeks life, with Essence that seeks death. As an aside note, I feel that some of the children that are now being born not only have that awareness, but the intent, power and the ability to not be in self-denial, or to accept any form of denial or unlovingness from others.

Manifesting Your Desires

Manifesting the things your Mind, Will, Heart and Body desire, like exploring and developing your multi-faceted talents and gifts, finding your right mate, or fulfilling your purpose and destiny etc., is not possible until you have ended your denials of yourself and healed whatever issues you have that are preventing you from manifesting your desires. That means that you need to not only be able to identify your denials, but also be willing to end them so that you can heal your issues and fragmentation. You also need to be aware of the imprints, programs, beliefs, judgments and attachments you have, that have created your present reality. Once you have identified them, you also need to be willing to release them in order to have the life and reality that you desire, one that is free of denial and unlovingness. That doesn’t mean that you will still be living in the same reality that you were before you healed the issues you did, as healing them also changes your reality, as now you will have a foot in two worlds.

Until you have worked with these basic issues of expressing your Will and have begun to integrate them into your physical reality, you have no firm foundation on which to create your new reality. It's utterly ludicrous and idiotic to believe that you will find your right mate when you’re constantly in denial and being triggered by your old imprints, programs and beliefs. That’s a common misconception of focusing on treating the symptom and looking for a quick fix, instead of looking for and healing the cause as to why you don't have a right mate, or whatever it is that you desire. While I say that, whatever mate you are with now is also your right mate, in that they offer you the ability to heal yourself. So while the mate you have may not be the one that you desire, they are the right one in this moment to help you end your denials of yourself that are preventing you from finding your true right mate and experiencing what you desire. That last sentence may sound confusing, but if you think about it, it will make perfect sense.

When you are doing your healing work, it’s important not to rush, but to allow yourself to do the emotional work as it presents itself. If you go past or deny any emotions that surface, if they are not expressed in the moment they are felt, they will be harder to reach the next time as they will not trust that you really want to heal them because you have already denied them. Healing is not a matter of getting some mental facts that you need to memorize on how to deal with your emotions, nor is it reciting mindless affirmations or prayers in order to solve your emotional or physical issues, as these are merely addressing the symptoms and not the cause. Words give you an outline but feelings give you understanding and knowing. Once you have experienced ending your denials and healing your issues, you won’t need the books as you will know and understand what the books were trying to tell you.

Life is not about experiencing the things that make you excited and happy, it’s about being excited and happy about the things you are experiencing. – Shenreed

Chapter 20 - Healing Level 1

Terror - Inner Child - False Emotions - Imprints, programs and beliefs

The following three levels of healing are my personal experiences that I’ve taken from my journals. While I give you some specific background with each level of healing, I don’t go into all the trials and tribulations I was going through at the time, or the mini healings I experienced prior to these experiences. My intent is to simply provide enough background information that will enable you to see and feel how it relates to my healing experiences. My next (third) book titled, "Journey to the Heart Centre,” is in part, my autobiography that presents the trials and tribulations I went through in order to reach the first two levels of healing, but without most of the understandings and insights that I shared in my first book, or what I’m sharing in this one. I’d like to add that the third level of healing that I’m sharing here is not included in my autobiography, as it occurred a few years after my second level of healing which is where my present autobiography ends. What I’ve shared in the previous chapters are some of the understandings and insights that I’ve gained during the course of my journey that are related to these healing experiences. It’s my intent that as you read these experiences, that you not only begin to see how all the pieces fit together, but also how you can apply what you have learned to help you heal your issues with your Mind, Will, Heart and Body, and empower yourself.

I’m also not going to go into any detailed analysis of the healing experiences as I feel that you need to connect the dots, the understandings and insights that I’ve share in this book for yourself. If you can grasp the subtle dynamics of what was going on in my life, then that will help you recognize what is happening in your life and what you need to do when you’re being activated. I know that you will have questions that are not answered and that is good as it shows that your Mind is open, interested, curious and that you desire to know more. Having unanswered questions also provides you with the opportunity to explore and problem solve, to find the answers for yourself. I hope that after you read the three levels of healing that you’ll be inspired to follow your healing journey, knowing that real healing and self-empowerment is possible.

The following background information is general in nature and adds to what I’ve previously shared. It also lays the framework for the experiences that are to follow. While this first part only takes you up to the first level of healing, I’ll share more in the second level of healing as that experience occurred eighteen months after the first. I’ll then do the same with the third level of healing that took place almost five years after the second level. It’s my intent that by providing these details of my personal background, that it will add depth and clarity to the experiences I’m sharing and the healings I experienced.

General Background

As mentioned, I began my journey, my search for truth and the meaning of life in 1990, when my personal and business world was collapsing. I struggled to maintain the monetary life style I had, while also trying to build a new life out of the ashes. While I was focused on my business, as it was my sole source of income, I also took up outside interests of canoeing, camping, curling, ballroom dancing and reading. I had my son and daughter living with me when they both were in high school, later they left and went off to college. They had their own circle of friends so I really had little interaction with them except as a father doing his fatherly thing. In 1990, I met Barbara, who became an integral part of my life for the next four years. We had a lot in common as she was also going through a divorce, had two children in high school, and had her own business. She also shared in all my interests and passions, except for reading. While we shared much in common, we also had our differences and it was these differences that ultimately ended our relationship. While I say differences, it was our unresolved issues that were at the core of the friction and conflict in our relationship, but I didn’t know it at the time. As you can see, I was keeping busy and trying to fill my life with people, places and things that would make me happy, but that wasn’t working.

In 1994, with the children off to college, I moved out of the townhouse I had been renting in the city of Barrie and bought a century old school house that had been built in 1867, in the community of Moonstone, Ontario. The school house had been converted to a three bedroom house and was situated on a one and a half acre lot that also included a three year old, 1200 sq./ft. shop, from which I operated my business. I had been looking for some peace and quiet, a sanctuary, and this rural property enabled me to be the hermit on the hill, as my nearest neighbor was a good 100 meters (325 feet) to the West, and the next closest was a farm some 500 meters away. The property was surrounded by a row of mature sugar maple trees and the North and East sides backed onto forty-five acres of maple, birch and beech trees, as well as stands of pine and cedar, home to deer, foxes, raccoons, turkeys and other wild life. Across the road to the South, was a hundred acre abandoned farm with three spring fed ponds, stocked with trout. Since my divorce and getting fleeced by my business partner, I had trimmed down the business so that I could basically operate it by myself, with some occasional part-time help. Orders would come in by way of regular mail, fax, phone or answering machine, and the nature of the business meant that I had no retail traffic to contend with. I had my office set up in my home so I could even do business in my pj’s. I was pretty well free to come and go as I pleased, as any orders didn’t have to be shipped the same day.

By early 1994, Barb and I had already split up, and then with my move, I dropped out of the curling, canoeing and ballroom dance clubs. Having no outside social activities and being spurred to expand my search, I joined a meditation group in Barrie. It was at the meditation class that I met Michelle, and after a few weeks, we struck up a relationship. After a few months of dating, she and her son moved in with me. That relationship ended mutually in the summer of 1995, with Michelle moving back to Barrie. I then lived alone and shared the house with Merlin and Mesha, two cats that I had inherited from my ex-wife, when she moved and was not able to take them to her new apartment. Besides the time I spent in operating the business, I now had a lot of free time to work on landscaping, renovating and repairing what needed to be fixed, as well as having time to read, meditate, and later, to work with Jen, either on the phone or in person.

It was on January 09, 1997 that Jen came into my life. I was telephoning a woman named Jan, a member of a local meditation/channeling group, to follow up to see how she was doing as she had become deeply emotional the previous evening when I channeled a message for her. I dialed what I thought was her telephone number but I got one digit wrong, and that’s how I connected with Jen. We talked for over half an hour during that first wrong number call and it ended with me giving her my phone number. Within a couple of weeks, we were spending a lot of time on the phone, sharing experiences and doing journeys. She lived in a small town that was a twenty-minute drive from where I lived, and after a few months, I began to visit her and help her out on a regular basis as she was suffering from fibromyalgia and allergies that kept her house bound most of the time. It was during this time that I became involved in the RUOW material. Jen also became interested in the books and it was then that we really began working with our feelings and emotions, either on the phone or in person when I went to visit her.

Things were changing for me as I now realized that I no longer had the drive or interest I used to have for my business. Sales had been gradually falling off, while expenses kept increasing. There were times when I was having trouble making ends meet and so I decided to sell both the business and property. After months of trying to find a buyer for both, in December of 1997, I sold my business to one person, and then a couple of weeks later, the property to another. The business deal was closed in December, while the property didn’t close until February of 1998. After having a garage sale, I moved most of my belongings into a storage unit that I filled to the rafters, and the rest I used to furnish a basement apartment that I rented on the shores of Georgian bay, that was also a twenty minute drive from Jen’s place, but from the opposite direction. Having sold my business, I was now without any source of income and was forced to live off the proceeds of the sale of my business and property.

Jen and I had previously talked about opening a New Age Centre in her town of Midland after I sold my business and home. After months of searching, we finally found a suitable building and location. Using a big chunk of the money I made from the sale of the business, I began yet another business venture. Jen didn’t have any money to invest, so getting the Centre up and running was all on my shoulders, both financially and physically. While I worked at getting the Centre ready, Jen was busy ordering catalogues and merchandise to get the business up and running. I did most of the renovations, acquiring the furniture and fixtures, pricing items and setting up displays.

By the summer of 1998, with a lot of sweat and hard work, the Centre finally opened. The building I had rented was an older three-story home in a residential/commercial area that was about a ten-minute walk from Jens place. The main floor had a large area for the store as well as a good size meeting room, office and a bathroom. The second floor had two large treatment rooms, a kitchen and another bathroom with a huge white, claw leg bathtub. The third floor was the loft that I decided to use as my bedroom and study. Opening the store was taking more money than I had planned and so to save money and for the sake of convenience, I moved out of the apartment I was renting and into the centre. So again, I lived where I worked. My plan was to have the Centre self-sustaining by the end of the year, meaning that while it didn’t pay me, it paid for the bills it was incurring.

We called the store, “The Heart Centre.” It offered a wide assortment of books, tarot decks and cards, music CD’s, greeting cards, posters, crystals, candles, incense, figurines, smudging and divination tools, jewellery, gifts and clothing, as well as local arts and crafts. Besides selling books, it also had a lending library that was mainly stocked with the books I had read as well as some of Jen’s. We also rented out treatment rooms to other practitioners needing a space to work. Besides operating the store, I would also facilitate various one-on-one sessions with clients. These included attachment releases, past life regression and emotional healing, using the tools that I share in my first book. Additionally in the evenings, I'd hold group classes for meditation/ visualization, past-life regression, meeting your guides and animal totems, as well as working with any feelings and emotions that surfaced with the participants during these sessions. While I was busy operating the centre, I was also focusing on healing my personal issues. While Jen was instrumental in the development of the Centre, she didn’t physically participate because of her physical issues that kept her house bound most of the time. While I had a couple of people help me on a part-time basis, for the most part, I was running the Centre on my own and that was also an issue for me. Starting a new business in a small town was difficult and expensive, and trying to build it up was taking longer than I thought and was quickly draining my resources as more money was going out than coming in. I was trying to be creative in attracting and keeping new customers to the Centre but that was met with limited success. Opening the Centre in the summer months, in a small tourist town had not been a good plan and I was now counting on Christmas sales as being the turning point. With fall sales slow and Christmas sales not as expected, I was now planning on using the money that was still owed to me from the sale of my business to carry the business well into the new year.

In late fall of 1998, I had a dramatic, first-hand experience of the power of denial. When I sold the business, the sales/purchase agreement contained a hold back clause where ten percent of the sale price was to be retained for a couple of months to ensure that everything was as agreed. I fulfilled my end of the contract but I never received the holdback payment and so after the dead line passed, and with no response to my phone calls and registered letter, I took the case to small claims court. Preliminary hearings confirmed that I had an open and shut case and after several months and two frustrating delays, I finally got my day in court. The day before the court appearance, his lawyer called and told me that he would have a certified cheque waiting for me tomorrow. With that news I felt confident that things would go my way. After what seemed like an endless procession of preliminary court proceedings, it finally came time for our case to be heard. When called to the stand, I simplified my testimony, thinking that it was just a formality and to also make the judge happy by speeding up the process, which he had emphasized several times during the preliminary proceedings. I also knew that there were others who were waiting for their day in court and I felt guilty if I took too much time and they didn’t get their case heard, as I had been delayed two times before and knew how frustrating that was. As I was giving my testimony, I was aware that I was omitting key information and was in denial, but ignored my intuitions warnings. I didn’t realize the ramifications of it until I was being cross examined, but by then it was too late. As a result, I not only lost the case and the money, but was ordered to pay damages and legal expenses. It wasn’t until later that I realized that the lawyers telephone call had planted the seed in my mind for me to deny myself, thus providing him with the opportunity to have his client alter the truth to his favor. Losing the court case was devastating as I was counting on the hold back money to help with the business. This experience not only strained my already weakened financial position, but also deeply affected me mentally, emotionally and physically. This now concludes the major events that occurred prior to my first level of healing that I experienced in February of 1999.

Introduction

While I previously had a powerful experience of the power of denial, this was the first dramatic real life experience I had where I came to understand that real healing was possible when denials were ended. Up to this point, the only healings I had experienced were what I came to call mini-healings, which were emotional and physical releases that I had during my self-guided meditation/ visualizations, or when Jen was guiding me. These mini healings were conducted in a safe environment and were the result of what I experienced during the meditation/visualization journey and not where I was being activated by a real life experience.

The first major level of healing occurred in two stages, the first being in a real life, but safe situation when Jen activated me into one of my inner child issues. It was during this activation that I had a shift in awareness and consciously allowed myself to have an emotional and physical release. The second occurred a few days later when I was again activated with the same issue, but this time it was in a real life situation that was potentially dangerous and life threatening. During this activation, I became fully aware and present in the moment and had confirmation that I indeed had had a true healing.

After that healing experience, I wanted more, not only more healing but to understand the who, what, where, when, why and how this healing was possible. I never imagined that healing like I experienced was possible as I had spent my life in constant fear and felt that was my lot in life. If this type of healing was possible when I ended my conscious denials, I wondered what more was possible when I ended the denials that I wasn’t aware of. This experience had a profound effect on me that shook me to the very core of my Being and completely altered my life. It was beyond a doubt, a fundamental shift in consciousness, in awareness, that was to totally change the way I not only viewed my reality, but also how I experienced it.

Stage 1 - Terror Activation and Release

(Copied from Book 3) 1999 Feb. 7, Sunday. I spent the afternoon at Jens watching a movie. Afterwards, we were standing by the kitchen sink discussing the movie as she began preparing some vegetables for supper. While she was talking, she turned to me and made some innocent hand gestures with the small paring knife that she was using to prepare her vegetables. Seeing the knife waving in the air activated me into a panic attack as it brought up my fear of knives. All my life I've gone into terror whenever someone waved or carelessly used a knife near me. I always tried to get out of the situation but if I couldn't, I'd order them to put the knife down slowly and to not play games. I’d also state, in no uncertain terms, that I didn't take any kind of fooling around or joking lightly and neither should they think that I was joking, as any move against me would mean that I would do anything to protect myself as I felt my very survival was at risk.

However, this time I also had a different awareness of my terror as I knew that what I was feeling wasn't real, as I knew that Jen wouldn't and wasn't going to harm me. I was confused by these new thoughts and feelings but instead of running or fighting like I normally would have, I told her that I knew she wouldn't hurt me, and that I wanted to heal this issue. She looked at me with a loving knowingness which was all I needed as I immediately became engulfed with my real feelings and emotions. I dropped to my knees on the kitchen floor and allowed myself to remember, feel and express all the denied emotions I had never expressed before.

I felt the horror and terror of seeing my mother waving a kitchen butcher knife in the air as she threateningly approached me and my brothers and sisters. She was emotionally wrought and beside herself, threatening to kill all of us and herself, if we "kids" didn't start listening to her and helping her. Of course, since I was the oldest, that put all the pressure on me to ensure that she was satisfied and happy because if she wasn't happy, then she just might kill us all in the middle of the night when we were sleeping as she threatened to do. I not only had to please her personally, but I also had to ensure that my brothers and sisters did too. That meant that I had to control what they did as I was the one that was being held responsible, not only for what they did or didn't do, but also for their personal safety. I don’t remember what triggered her, but in those days it didn’t take much as raising five children and not having much money, and with my dad being sick at times and not working, put a lot of pressure on her.

I flashed back to several episodes of her brandishing a knife and the terror I felt for my safety and that of my siblings. I remembered her saying that if we told our father or anyone about this, that they would have her locked up in a mental institution and that we would not have a mother to take care of us. I remembered her going so far as to even threaten us if we didn’t promise her that we would not tell anyone. The last time I can remember my mother threatening us was when I was in grade ten. She didn't threaten me with the knife but she had grabbed my younger brother in a head lock with her left arm, her left elbow crooked under his chin and partly over his mouth, while in her right hand she held a butcher knife to his throat; the blade indenting, but not cutting his skin. I can remember the look of terror in his eyes as I was talking to her, trying to get her to let him go. During this time, the rest of my siblings were in shock and terror and I could see them looking at me, hoping that I could again talk our mother out of doing what she threatened to do. After what seemed like an eternity of pleading and agreeing to her terms and conditions, she finally let him go. Of course she was always sorry afterwards and would ask us to forgive her, saying that she loved us and that she really wouldn’t hurt us, and that she wouldn’t do it again.

Besides my mother, there were other people that also threatened me with knives. Some threats were veiled with feigned ignorance, claiming that they were just joking and fooling around, while others were life-threatening situations like the time when I had a part time job after school at a drive-in restaurant located in an amusement park. It was just after 11:00 pm, closing time, and I was taking the trash out to the dumpster when I heard a woman crying for help from the darkness of the farm field that was located behind the amusement park. I could hear her footsteps coming closer and a few seconds later a young woman emerged from the inky darkness. Before I knew it, she ran straight into me, the momentum of her body lunging into mine caused me to take a couple of steps backwards to regain my balance. Clinging to me and sobbing, she begged me to help her, saying that three men were trying to rape her, all the while glancing over her shoulder into the darkness she had just emerged from. She was hysterical, in tears, and her clothes were tattered and torn. I quickly took her inside and asked the girls on duty to take her in the back and look after her, while I was going to lock the doors.

No sooner were they out of sight than I heard a commotion at the employee’s only door, and three men barged into the kitchen area. I could tell that they had been drinking, although they weren’t what I’d consider drunk as their speech and body movements were not that impaired. The biggest one told me to give them the girl. I played dumb, saying, “What girl?” He didn’t buy it and in fact, he got angry and made his way behind the counter and came toward me. He was several inches taller than I was and weighed a good 230 lbs, which was 100 pounds more than I weighed at the time. He picked up two large knives that were on the counter and holding one broadside, lobbed it at me. It bounced off my chest and fell to the floor. He yelled at me to pick it up, and that we would fight for the girl. He shouted at me to be a man and to pick up the knife, but I knew that if I picked it up, I’d be dead, so I began backing away. He kicked the knife toward me, hissing at me through clenched teeth to pick it up. As I was backing up, he was coming toward me, slashing at the air with the knife he held in his hand, repeatedly ordering me to pick up the knife and fight. He was now close enough to me that I could smell the alcohol on his hot breath. With his left hand, he shoved me backwards, while holding the butcher knife in his right hand. He shoved me again and again, and each shove was becoming more forceful, and his verbal threats more menacing. Finally, he shoved me so hard that I was hurled back against a stainless steel milk cooler that momentarily knocked the wind out of me and sent me crashing to the floor. I was on my hands and knees trying to catch my breath and get up, when in the next instant I felt a sharp pain in my side as he kicked me in the ribs with his work boots, lifting me off the floor and sending me rolling down the aisle. He continued to kick me when I was down, screaming at me to get up and fight like a man. I tried to protect my body with my arms as best I could, but every time I tried to get to my feet, he’d either kick or stomp on me, pushing me back down to my knees.

Everything was spinning and seemed surreal. The next thing I remembered was that Judy, one of the girls that took the girl into the back, came to the front and was screaming at the guys, telling them to leave me alone and that the cops were on the way and that they had better get lost. At first, they didn’t believe her and they began threatening her if she didn’t hand over the girl, but then one of the two other guys that had remained in the doorway looked outside and saw police lights in the distance. I heard them mumble some words to each other and then hurriedly they made their way out the door and disappeared into the darkness as quickly as they came. The police arrived a couple of minutes later, took our statements and put out a call to pick up the three guys.

Later, the police told us that the three were arrested, and that the one that attacked me was a known felon with a prison record that included assault, and that he was out on parole. They also said that he was being charged with attempted rape, and assault and battery, and that he was now out on bail. Needless to say, I lived in fear for months, always on guard, in terror that he’d pop out from nowhere an attack me again, especially since he knew where I worked.

There were other instances, too many to go into, that I relived that day. I was going through a series of emotional and physical body releases right there on the kitchen floor. The more I kept expressing what I was feeling, the more experiences I was remembering. There seemed no end to this hell. I was not only crying and sobbing, but was also physically trembling and in pain. I was hot, cold, couldn't breathe, trying to vomit, trembling in anger, to name a few of the emotions and physical sensations I was having. During all this, Jen had put her supper aside and simply allowed me to express myself, speaking only when she felt she needed to. I remember a couple of times when I was curled up in a fetal position on the kitchen floor, when she came over to me and simply placed her hand on my shoulder. That loving gesture gave me the reassurance that I wasn’t alone and also helped me get to other issues.

After what seemed like an eternity, but slightly less than an hour, I finally released everything I felt I needed to. I felt exhausted as I rested on my left side in the middle of the kitchen floor, going over all that had just happened. After a few minutes, I felt I needed to get up and go home. I slowly sat up, and after a few more minutes, I stood up, regaining my balance and mental awareness. When I felt ready, I slowly made my way downstairs and out to my van. I left Jen's and managed to drive home without incident. When I got home, I collapsed on the couch and slept for several hours.

Afterwards, I felt that what I had experienced at Jen’s was significant, but I didn’t really understand it. It was similar to one of the many mini healings that I had previously experienced, only more so. One thing that was different in this experience was that it didn’t occur during a guided or self guided meditation/visualization, but that I was activated by a spontaneous real life situation that was not planned and I had no idea it was going to happen. The other key difference with this experience was that I had the awareness that I was being activated and that I had a choice, that instead of reacting like I did in the past where I would run, this time I responded to the activation and allowed myself to express what was previously denied and kept a secret. (End of stage 1)

Stage 2 - Healing Confirmation

(Copied from Book 3) 1999 Feb. 19, Friday. Today I had a client come into the store for a personal one-on-one session to work on healing her issues of anger and rage. Actually, she had been in the store a few days earlier and as I was talking with her, I was intuitively and empathically picking up that she had been sexually abused and raped, and also that she still had a lot of denied anger and rage. She looked shocked and bewildered that I knew her secret and said that yes, she had been raped, but that I was wrong in that she had healed her anger and rage, and also her hatred for men.

As we were alone in the store, we continued our conversation for about half an hour. During our chat, she told me of the psychiatrist she had been seeing for ten years, and how she had finally convinced him to allow her to release her anger and rage by allowing her to bring a bed sheet, a pillow, a bottle of ketchup and a knife into his office. She said that when she felt her anger and rage come up, that she stopped, put the sheet and pillow on the floor, opened the bottle of ketchup, got the knife out, and when she was organized, she took the knife and began to stab the pillow while squirting it with ketchup. She said that she continued to stab the pillow until she felt happy and satisfied that her anger and rage was released. I asked her where her psychiatrist was all this time. She said he was hiding behind his desk, terrified that she would come after him, but that she had told him that he was okay as long as she could stab the pillow. I told her that she had not released her anger and rage, that she had only acted it out, and that the moment she stopped expressing her emotions to get things organized was when she went into denial and that it was all an act, a re-creation and a projection of what she thought healing would be. She disagreed with me but said she'd think about what I said. When another customer came into the store we dropped the conversation, and after a few minutes she left. The next day she phoned and made arrangements to come in for a session, which was today.

It was 4:30 in the afternoon when she arrived for her appointment. I was in the process of finalizing a customer’s purchase, so I told her to go up stairs, turn left and to make herself comfortable in either one of the two treatment rooms and that I would be up in a few minutes. After the customer left, I turned the phone ringer off and the answering machine on. I put the closed sign in the window, locked the doors and went up stairs.

I found her in the front "pink room" as we called it, with four of the cushions from the sofa from the "green room" stacked in two equal piles in the middle of the floor. I asked her what she was doing with the cushions and she stated that she didn't want me to be higher than her, that she wanted me to be on the same level. I told her that I usually had my clients sit in the large leather rocker/recliner that also swiveled 360 degrees, and that I usually sat on the wooden chair or a small milk stool. I explained that this arrangement worked out well for me in the past as it was not only comfortable and relaxing for my clients, but it also provided me with the opportunity to touch a client’s foot or knee, if I felt I needed to activate them, or to help them tune in on the emotions they couldn't reach. I also told her that some clients felt more comfortable on the futon that was beside her, and that she could sit on it if she liked, as it was lower than the rocker/recliner. She was adamant and so I tried to appease her by sitting on the cushions but it just didn't feel comfortable and it didn't allow me to move easily. I told her I wasn’t comfortable sitting on the cushions for an hour or so and that I'd feel more comfortable on the small milk stool. I then showed her that the milk stool was the same height as the two cushions that I was sitting on. She studied the stool and the cushions to see if what I said was true, then reluctantly agreed. I picked up the cushions and placed them against the wall. I then sat on the milk stool facing her, my legs folded in front of me.

We sat facing each other with about four feet between us. As we started our session, she began telling me of her past psychiatric help and that she really felt that she had healed her anger, rage, and rape issues, and that this wasn't going to go anywhere. I just kept talking to her, asking her questions and trying to get her out of explaining her feelings and emotions and into feeling and expressing them. As we talked, I could feel her pain and anger beginning to surface and she began to express her hatred toward men. She started uttering cuss words and getting physically aggressive, kicking at me, not hitting me, but kicking toward me, and also punching her fists at me. I felt no fear that she was going to attack me, even though the kicks and punches were at times only a few inches from my face and body.

Within a few minutes, her anger and rage worked itself up to a point where she suddenly stopped, turned to get her large handbag beside her, opened it, reached in and pulled out a hunting knife. She slowly unsheathed its 10-inch blade from its scabbard, all the while glaring at me. I looked at her and instantly became aware of my thoughts and feelings including the feeling of not having the fear or panic of knives. I momentarily interrupted her to express myself, denying nothing that came to my consciousness. I told her that I had a fear of knives and that I also had an emotional and physical release a few days ago and that I wasn’t afraid in this moment. I told her that she was not to harm me, herself, or anything in the room, and to proceed. She nodded in acknowledge-ment, and within a few seconds her anger once again rose to fever pitch.

It was an amazing experience, as here in front of me was an unknown, angry and enraged, man-hating woman with a ten-inch hunting knife, and I wasn't in terror, even though there was no way that I could get around or past her, as she was between me and the door. She began to thrust, slice, and jab the knife toward me, and several times I heard the knife blade swoosh by me as it cut the air. Even though she was stabbing at me and the knife was only inches from my body, I made no move to avoid her strikes. She never cut or stabbed anything but the air and I felt that she wouldn't turn it on herself either. During her rage activation, I never interrupted her as I felt no need to. This rage release must have continued for at least five minutes, at which point I felt that her denied rage was leaving and that her heartbreak was now beginning to move, as she began to cry and sob.

She stopped momentarily, retrieved the scabbard, sheathed the knife and stuffed both back into her handbag. She paused again, and then with a quivering in-breath and eyes welling up with tears, she began her emotional and physical release. I let her move as she needed to and I never physically approached her as I felt that that would only bring her back into her terror and denied rage. She wept and sobbed openly and also expressed tears of joy, as did I, as I felt her connect with the lost parts of herself. I was weeping for her and also for me, as this experience was created to show me how I had also healed my issue with knives.

After about forty-five minutes, she breathed a sigh of relief and beamed a warm smile. We talked for several more minutes about her experience, then she thanked me and left. It was a double healing day as it usually was when I did group or one-on-one sessions, or worked with Jen.

1999 Feb. 22, the woman with the knife phoned today and apologized for not telling me about the knife, but she said she wanted to see if I was different and said that I was. She said that this time she felt that she really had moved and healed some of her emotions and rage and she thanked me again and said that it was no coincidence that she had come into the Heart Centre. I told her that yes, it was no coincidence and that she also helped me in my healing. That now I knew I was on the right path as what she did yesterday would have totally set me off into a panic attack had I not previously allowed myself to express my feelings and emotions when Jen activated me, and then again when she pulled out the hunting knife during her session. I was now even more determined to share what I had experienced and learned with others,  to help them help themselves. (End of stage 2)

Summary

In healing your inner child, you already have some conscious awareness of what your triggers and activations are, and the traumatic experiences that created them. In the course of your healing journey, you will have many emotional and physical releases related to your traumatic inner child experiences. These are necessary in order for you to build up a sense of trust in feeling and expressing your emotions, so that you will be ready when you get activated into a major release and level of healing. It’s also important to note that you have more than one inner child and also more than one fragment. One aspect of my inner child was a fear of knives, another was a fear of expressing myself, another was a fear of confrontation, another was a fear of physical violence, and the list goes on and on. But, there is always a but, then there are the inner child aspects that have gifts and talents that were consciously denied so as to not draw any negative attention and energy to us. Some of these inner child aspects we have, but deny, are having a desire to express ourselves through singing, playing music, dancing, creative arts, physical skills, psychic abilities, etc.

Knowing that you are activated and then being aware that what you are thinking and feeling may not be accurate or true, is the key to healing, all healing. If you can't allow yourself to see, hear, feel and get past the mental judgments and the false emotions based on your imprints, programs and beliefs, you will continue to go in circles and will never heal. To uncover the truth, you need to remove all that is false. The false feelings and emotions of the Will and the judgments and beliefs of the Mind need to be felt and seen for what they really are, so that they can be released from the subconscious where they have been controlling our lives and creating our victim reality.

In stage one of the knife experience that I shared, my Mind was activated by its old imprints, programs and beliefs that then brought up the related judgments on knives when it saw Jen innocently holding and waving a knife while preparing some vegetables for supper. Once the judgments were brought up, the false feelings and emotions that were aligned with those judgments were also being activated. The judgments and false emotions were a reaction to my denied and suppressed real emotions to the traumatic experiences I had in my childhood and adolescence that I never allowed myself to express, and that were imprinted in my subconscious. While my Mind was being activated by its imprinting into the judgments of what it thought was happening, or going to happen, it also had the awareness and knew that Jen was not the threat that my Minds old imprinting was saying she was. The voice that was speaking to my Mind was the voice of my Heart that saw this as a perfect healing opportunity based on the emotional work that Jen and I had been doing using the tools that I mentioned before. This was the right time and place for this activation and awareness, as I was now ready. My Mind then made the decision not to run or fight, but to allow my denied emotions to express themselves in whatever way they wanted and needed to, as well as allowing my Body to release not only the energy of my denied emotions, but also the denied unloving energy of others that it was holding. What I allowed myself to emotionally and physically express on the kitchen floor were my real emotions, and what I'm doing now is explaining my emotions.

Expressing and releasing these repressed and denied Inner child emotions was only half the healing process, the next stage was to have another activation, but this time it would not be in a safe situation, but in a real life drama that was similar to the ones that I originally experienced that created the trauma. The difference was that now the charge, the shock and terror that was associated with the original experience had moved as the emotions and feelings had been expressed, and now I also realized that I had a choice and I didn’t deny expressing myself. Knowing that I had a choice and can express all that I feel, is also what made this experience different than the original experiences. When I expressed myself, I knew that a level of healing had taken place. I also became aware of how it feels to have healed an aspect of myself, and how it feels to respond to a situation instead of reacting to it.

Ever since that healing experience, I have not had any further terror issues with knives. I've been around knives with family, friends and strangers, and while I have an awareness of the knife, there is no longer any charge, fear, anxiety or panic associated with them. This was truly an experience that showed me that real healing was possible, and one that enabled me to move to the next level of healing.

Chapter 21 - Healing Level 2

Outer Child – Fear of expressing - Ignition / Awakening - Unconditional Love

Background Update

A lot happened in the eighteen months following my first level of healing. Losing the court case and the sale of the business holdback money was an omen of things to come. As it was, the Heart Centre wasn’t making enough money to pay the bills or for me to make a living, so in the summer of 1999, after being in business for just over a year, I had to pull the plug. Not only had I invested and lost all the money I had, but when I closed the business, I was also over $10,000.00 in debt. Of course, I tried to find creative solutions to solve my money problems but nothing seemed to work, and any effort only served to put me further in debt. A few months before the collapse, a woman, Irene, came upon the scene and told me that if I needed a place to stay, that she and her husband had a spare room that I could use, and that I could stay as long as I needed to. I tried to find some way to make it on my own, but in the end, I needed help and I reluctantly and gratefully accepted her offer.

I had a going out of business sale for a month before closing the doors that even included the furniture and fixtures. I officially closed the doors to the Centre on Friday night and on Saturday morning; I had a giant yard sale, where I tried to sell any business assets that I hadn’t sold, as well as most of my personal household items. I made just over $700.00 in the yard sale. I filled my van with what I wanted to keep and made two trips to store it in a small shed at another friends place. Part of what I stored included all the unsold store stock that I eventually sold in a bulk sale for less than 10 cents on the dollar. Any personal items that didn’t sell in the yard sale, and that I didn’t want, I just pushed to the curb, and by the next morning, ninety five percent of it was gone. Closing The Heart Centre wasn’t just about losing the Centre, but also of having to release my attachments to all the things that I had accumulated over the years, the things that I felt were important, that gave me a sense of worth and identity. They were now gone, as was my pride, along with any hopes and dreams I had of rebuilding my life. On Sunday, I cleaned up the Centre and dropped off the keys. I picked up a takeout coffee and drove to the bay to reflect on my life. I felt empty and alone to say the least and when I finished my coffee, I drove out to my new home. It was difficult for me to accept a handout from basically a stranger, but I swallowed my pride and moved in with Irene and Dave.

I felt my first task was to get my life back in order and get back to being self-sufficient and on my own. To do that I needed to get my financial affairs sorted out, like paying off my creditors and selling the left over stock. I started looking for a job as whatever money I made from the yard sale was going fast, but try as I might, I couldn’t get a job. Being 55 years old and having been in my own business for twenty years, and not having any references outside my own company, or any specific qualifications or job skills, meant that getting a job was next to impossible. On low paying, non-skilled jobs where I was qualified, I also came up against age prejudice and although they never said it, they were looking for someone younger. Not being able to get a job, I finally had to let go of the idea of paying off my credit cards. I even looked into declaring bankruptcy but I couldn’t even afford that, so I just walked away from it all. During all this, I was constantly hounded by my creditors for money that I didn’t have. Eventually, I did find the odd handyman work that paid for gas and insurance for my van and gave me some pocket money as well as a bit extra that I thought I could use to begin to pay off my smallest credit card debt which was just under $1,000.00. I had called the bank to see about making arrangements to pay off my credit card, but the credit guy politely told me that they had just sold my debt to a collection agency for ten cents on the dollar and that they couldn’t do anything about it now. A couple of weeks later the collection agency called demanding that I immediately pay the full amount, or else. At first I told them I’d make payments when I could as I had no steady income, but that wasn’t good enough, they not only wanted it all, but they wanted it now. After a few more phone calls from them, I told the smug and arrogant S.O.B. that I’m no longer prepared to pay any installments, but instead, I’d give them ten percent of what they say I owe as that was all they paid for the note. Needless to say, he wasn’t at all pleased with me and my attitude and after several more phone calls and my same offer, he stopped calling. Gradually the others also got the message that I didn’t have any money, and they too stopped calling and writing and finally left me alone.

I also had another problem to deal with that involved a lack of money in that by the fall of 2000, my 1990 Ford Aerostar van was rusting and falling apart and I couldn’t afford to fix it or get another vehicle. Being without a vehicle was terrifying and heartbreaking as that meant I would not be able to get a job or do any more handyman work. Without a vehicle, I couldn’t get into town as I lived 16 km (10 miles) from the nearest village and another 10km (6 miles) to the town of Midland and that meant I’d have no chance at making any money, and not having any money meant no freedom to do what I wanted to do. I was unexpectedly and pleasantly surprised and emotionally moved when in the fall of 2000, my daughter and son got together and sent me a cheque for $3,000.00, so that I could buy a used truck from a woman I knew that I was doing some handyman work for. It was a 1991 Nissan pick-up truck with a cap. It was in like new condition as it had been sitting in her garage for three years and only had 120,000 km on it. I drove that vehicle until the fall of 2010.

Time passed quickly and a year passed in the blink of an eye. Irene had never met Jen, but knew of her and the work I was doing with her. It was during my stay that Irene and I also began doing work together, but on a different level than what I was doing with Jen. It was at this time that Irene also encouraged me to begin writing my books. I put it off for a while as I was trying to get a job, make money and rebuild my life, but eventually I couldn’t deny that I also felt I needed to begin to write about my journey. I still had my old computer with Windows 95, and on Aug. 10, 2000, a day before I experienced my second level of healing, I began the slow and arduous process of transcribing my journals that I had been keeping for the past few years. With that update, I’ll now share my second healing experience.

Introduction

During the time I was working on my inner child issues, I was also working on healing my outer child but I didn't know it at the time, as I wasn't consciously aware that I even had an outer child. While this second healing experience was related to my outer child, it was also to be my ignition point, my awakening that was to change my view of love and life forever. In this experience, there was no direct link to any specific regression or emotional release like I had in my first healing experience. This healing experience was more of being awakened to all the dynamics that were being played out in the moment, and then allowing myself to choose a different path, other than the denial one I’d been repeatedly choosing before that resulted in my going in circles. In so doing, I experienced unconditional self-love for the first time in my life (in my existence) and I was awakened, so to speak, as what I experienced was a 180-degree shift, a complete reversal to what I believed truth and love was. Love was one thing that I didn't expect to discover in my search for truth as I believed that I was already a loving person. To begin to know the truth of what love is, I had to know what love is not.

It took me eleven years to move from the quickening and awareness that something was wrong with my life and the beginning of my search for truth, to finally entering the gap and reaching my ignition or awakening point, that of bringing love and acceptance to the denied parts of me with unconditional self-love. It was then that I discovered the truth of how and why it was really me that was being unloving to myself, and that my present experiences were actually a reflection of that unlovingness. That the feelings and emotions that I thought were real, were actually false and were a reaction to my Minds old imprints, programs and beliefs. Once I had these realizations and insights, it was as if the fog had been lifted and my journey became clearer, but at the same time, I was flooded with even more questions.

As I previously mentioned, this experience was not like my first level of healing where I became aware that the experience I was having was not the same as what my Mind and Will were telling me. In this experience, I became activated and reacted to my old imprints, programs and beliefs by running away. Realizing that I had denied myself and gapped, I decided to collect and refocus myself and attempt to break through the issues that I was being activated into. Minutes later, I returned to the situation and was again activated and about to gap, when I became fully conscious and in the now or the present moment, and totally aware of what was happening. While in this moment, I not only saw, heard and felt what I was being activated into and reacting to, but also what the other person was activated into and reacting to. I was awakened and made the conscious choice to surrender to love, and to respond to the activation with unconditional love. There were actually three experiences within this one experience. The first was the activation, followed by the realization and awakening, and then the response. I had no concept of what surrender to love meant, but what I discovered, felt and realized, not only moved me deeply, but showed me another healing aspect of the power of unconditional love.

This awakening was not the end, it was the beginning. It was the lifting and tearing of the veil of what I had believed was truth and love. It was the beginning of the awareness of the illusion that I called reality. I now had a glimpse of the New World and it was now my choice whether I would be a part of it or not. From what I experienced there is no way that I can go back to the way I was. I experienced feeling and speaking my truth and I was empowered. I walked my talk, and now I felt that I not only had to walk my talk, but to live my truth. While this was another major level of healing, there were more experiences and issues I needed to heal that would enable me to take more steps toward my next level of healing.

Healing 2 - Fear of Expression

(Copied from Book 3) 2000 Aug 11 - After Irene and I had our usual Friday lunch at a restaurant in town, she went off to work while I drove over to visit Jen. I went upstairs to the living room where she was in the middle of watching her TV show - Northern Lights. Not wanting to interrupt her, I just sat down on the futon and watched the ending with her. After the show was over we were chatting about various topics and she mentioned that her Native American name was Summer Storm. I was confused and asked her how and when she got that name. She said that she had it for a long time. I remarked that I knew she called herself Summer, but that I never heard her, or anyone, mention Summer Storm before. One thing led to another and soon we were into another one of our arguments.

I felt frustrated and was becoming angry at what I felt was her trying to control and manipulate me by telling me lies. I didn't want to fight with her again so I felt I had to leave. As I got up to leave, she yelled at me that I was running again, and asked me when I was going to stop. I glared at her, wondering how can this be happening and how can it be resolved, but I also felt it was hopeless in the moment and left without a word, tears streaming from my eyes, yet at the same time, cursing her under my breath.

I got into my van and was going to leave, but before I started the engine something made me decide to wait for a moment. I looked at my watch; it was 3:15 pm. Thoughts were racing through my head and my emotions were all over the place. I thought to myself, why am I running again? I feel that I have three choices, that I can either fight, run or give in. I don't want to fight with Jen and direct my anger at her even though I feel that she's the problem, but I also just can't sit there and pretend that everything is fine and give in to her demands. All I can do is run, but what am I really running from is the question, and why? At that moment, I truly believed that I was being kind, loving, sharing, caring, compassionate, understanding, honest, self-sacrificing, a humanitarian, valued decency and good Christian principals, and all the other things that I thought love was. So what is the problem? I scratched my head as if that would give me the answers I was looking for.

On the other hand, I thought that Jen was being a hypocrite and a liar, and that she was playing games and trying to Mind fuck and control me. In that moment, I also realized that with all the work I had done and all the emotions I had moved, that it was when I stopped fighting and running and just began expressing what I was denying, was when I would have a mini healing experience. We had fought and I had run so many times, that by now I recognized the pattern, that I was being activated and that I was in denial. But what was it? What was I denying? Why am I in denial and not simply protecting myself from being controlled, manipulated and abused? Am I in denial because I had emotions and feelings that I didn't express, yet at the time I thought I did. Were these false emotions that I was expressing? What were my judgments? What was really activating me and why? I was in turmoil inside myself but I decided that I wasn't going to run this time, that I would go back and face what I had to face, but didn't want to face.

As I left my van I looked at my watch, it was 3:30 pm. I had tears in my eyes as I went back up the stairs to Jen's apartment. I told her that I wasn't running and she beamed a smile and said, “Good for you.” We sat down and I began explaining what I had felt before I left and what I was thinking and feeling when I was sitting in the van, but before I even finished, Jen began telling me of one of her experiences that I had heard several times before. I told her that I wasn't finished, but she said that she thought I was, and that she was activated into telling her story and wanted to express herself. Feeling guilty and undeserving for taking up her time, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and was waiting to see where it tied in to what I had been talking about, but it wasn't coming up. Again, I told her that I had heard that story before and that she didn't have to tell it to me again, especially from the very beginning. She said that I was wrong and that she hadn't told me this story. To prove to her that she had, I began to tell what happened next in her story. She said, “Yes, but you forgot this part,” and she continued her story again. I interrupted her saying, “Yes I heard that too, but I didn't mention it as I just wanted you to know that you did tell me the story.” She disagreed with me and in frustration; I told her the ending of her story. This infuriated her even more and after chastising me for interrupting her again, she went back to where I had originally interrupted her the first time and began telling me her story as if nothing had ever happened.

I was confused by her actions but having just finished one argument thirty minutes ago, I wasn't looking forward to having another one, as all I wanted to do was to find out why and how I was being activated, and what my denials were. I continued being the nice guy, listening, being under-standing, giving, caring, self-sacrificing, not being selfish, being there for others, and all the other so-called loving things I knew to do to make others happy. I didn't want to interrupt her again, but all the while I was feeling that what she was saying was bullshit, a lie, a cover-up and that she was a hypocrite. I could feel myself getting angry again and a couple of times I tried to ask her questions but was told, “I'm getting to that,” or “don't interrupt me,” and “wait until I'm finished talking.” I was frustrated, confused and spinning and just wanted to run and get away. I felt angry and heartbroken, all at the same time. I felt I had had enough, that I had to get out or I would explode. I didn't say a word as I got off the futon and began to make my way past the coffee table and toward the hallway.

I hadn't taken three steps when I heard a voice that was not Jen's voice, say in a soft and loving tone, “You have a choice.”

I was so beside myself with the feeling of heartbreak and anger that I wasn't really aware of what was happening. I instantly replied to this voice with my Mind, not my physical voice, asking sarcastically, “What choice do I have?”

The voice replied, “You can run, you can fight, you can give up, or you can surrender to love.”

“Surrender to love! What's that?” I exclaimed in my Mind.

At that point I immediately became aware that time stood still. Jen stood before me, frozen in space and time, her body standing motionless, arms paused in a mid-air gesture like a mannequin. Her eyes fixed and mouth half-open, lips pursed in the expression of an unsaid word. It was as if a pause button had been pushed and the world stood still.

I didn't hear the voice again, but I felt it asking me to look and feel beside me. I didn't see, but I felt my outer child that had visited me before during my meditation/visualization journeys, standing beside me. He was confused, heartbroken and in terror. He was still that six-year-old Catholic, German-speaking farm boy attending the Protestant, English speaking school and he was re-living the terror of that experience, as well as other experiences. I realized that one issue he had was being confused by the foreign language and not being able to communicate. Another and even bigger issue was his confusion with his mothers' words, and how she would say one thing but mean another, and that if he expressed what he was intuitively picking up on her, she would deny and tell him that he was wrong. If that didn’t work, she would talk him out of his feelings or just tell him to be quiet and to speak when he was told to. I also felt how terrified he was of expressing himself for fear of displeasing his mother, and the heartbreak that he wasn't being heard or loved. I could also feel the utter heartbreak that no one was there for him, including me.

I then became part of my six year old, or rather, he became a part of me. I felt and remembered how intuitive he was and I instantly felt my intuition tell me what was really going on with Jen and her story, and even her original experience that traumatized her, and how she used story telling as a means to cover up her real issues. In that moment, I knew and felt what she was saying, what she was not saying, the secret she was keeping, and also what her real terror and heartbreak was that she was trying to cover up.

I also sensed and felt my anger and saw it as a huge cobra, coiled in front of me. It rose up and swayed in front of my face, eyes looking piercingly into mine, ready to strike, not at Jen like I expected, but at me. It was ready to strike me and was hissing and calling me the hypocrite for still not loving and giving this wounded part of me the same acceptance that I was giving Jen. At first I was shocked and I tried to defend myself and my beliefs. I tried to convince the Cobra that it was wrong and that its anger should not be directed at me, but at Jen, as she was the cause of my pain. I was aware of my thoughts, but then at the same time, I also became aware of the Cobra's thoughts and feelings, and realized that what the Cobra (my anger) was telling me was the truth.

That realization woke me up to the fact that I was the fool, and that it was me that was beating myself (this outer child) up, and not Jen. And that yes, I was prepared to show all these loving characteristics to, and for another person, but I didn't even offer a hint of the same compassion to myself. Instead, I had been beating myself (my outer child) up, scolding and berating myself with all what I thought were loving reasons for keeping my mouth shut. I gave myself no love. I was giving myself the exact opposite of what I was giving the other person. Dah!!!!!! Wake up! And I did. That's when I realized that everything I thought was love, actually wasn't love, and that before you can give true love to another you have to be able to give it to yourself first.

I knew I was in denial but now I finally realized what my denials were, but in a different way than I had originally thought. I realized that who I was really angry at was myself and that I was beating myself up by not allowing myself to ask questions in the moment when I was confused. I also realized that I was denying my Will, my intuition, from expressing itself in the moment for fear of losing a person that I thought and felt loved and accepted me. I wasn't there at all for my little boy; my outer child, that lost Will fragmented part of me who was heartbroken, terrified and alone. I gave him no acceptance or love, but instead, I gave him the opposite, indifference and cold heartlessness.

Time remained frozen as I opened my heart centre and chose love. It all flashed before me in an instant of awareness. It was in this moment that I saw and chose to end my denials. I also decided to give myself (my outer child) conscious acceptance and permission to interrupt and ask Jen direct questions, along with expressing what I was intuitively picking up. I knew I had a choice to make and I made it. When I gave myself permission to ask a question that I was confused about, my reality shifted. When I gave myself permission and acceptance to express my intuition, to trust that my intuition and feelings were right for me, even if Jen said that my intuition and feelings were wrong, that didn't make them wrong for me, again, I made a shift. When I felt something was wrong and unloving, I no longer had to believe or accept it and take it on or into me, I could now give it back, and with that I made another shift. I felt empowered, and as I took a deep breath I felt loving arms encircling me, flooding me with love that was not only around me, but also inside me. I was crying and smiling all at the same time as for the first time in my life, in my existence, I had given myself, and had felt and experienced unconditional love and acceptance. There was also this feeling of having something lifted off and out of me, I felt free in words that are indescribable.

The moment when I made those conscious heartfelt decisions was the moment when time began to move again. Jen was now moving and I heard the words she was speaking. Without saying a word, I simply raised my right hand at heart level, palm facing her, and motioned for her to stop. She stopped in mid-sentence and looked puzzled and confused. I felt that she recognized something different about me that she didn't see a few seconds earlier, excluding my smile and the tears streaming down my cheeks. I then spoke and expressed everything I had previously denied. I was beaming a smile, while at the same time, tears were flowing from my eyes. There was no fear, no anger, just the feeling of love as I calmly and assuredly spoke my truth.

By expressing my truth, Jen was activated into her issues, her terror. She too had a choice to heal that day, but instead of surrendering to love, she went further into denial by the direct questions I asked her, and by what I had intuitively felt about her secret and her real issues that I also expressed. Being activated, Jen then followed her denial pattern and program, which I also saw was the opposite of mine. For her, talking and explaining was a way of avoiding having to answer direct questions, and was the key to covering up her terror and heartbreak, as that was her method of survival. Jens denial choice when she gapped was to fight. She became angry and flew into a denied rage, calling me abusive and saying that she didn't want me around her anymore. She said that she didn't have to, and wasn’t going to take this kind of abuse. She was mentally and emotionally jumping all over the place with what she was saying. She was beside herself, screaming and yelling for me to get out of her house. She was picking up things and either throwing them on the floor or at the wall. I had fear that someone might think that I was beating her up, when all I did was ask her a few simple questions and express what I was feeling, while I was crying and smiling at the same time.

I was confused by the pandemonium, but at the same time it was also okay. She was screaming at me, saying that our friendship was over and that she never wanted to see me again. I tried to talk to her, asking her to express what she was really feeling, but that only enraged her even more. I thought of talking to her about what I had just experienced, but I could feel that she was too terrified and angry to even think straight. I thought that she might just need some time, like I did, to process what had just happened, and that it be best that I honor her request and just leave her be. I told her I'd call her later and took my leave.

I made my way down the stairs, feeling the most love and joy that I had ever felt. Jen followed me down the stairs and out to the street, still screaming, “Abuser, I'm not taking it anymore.” I got into my van and looked over to see Jen standing on the grass embankment, still screaming and waving her arms angrily at me. As I looked at her, I could only feel love and gratitude in my heart for her. I then turned my gaze to the road and drove away. I didn’t look at my watch, but it must have been around 4:00 pm when I left Jens place. I decided to drive to the nearby beach where I used to live, to process what had just happened. I didn't write anything when I was out there, nor can I remember what I did or thought when I was at the beach. Around 8:00 pm, I drove back into town and got something quick to eat, then drove back home to Irene's. I called Jen but she never picked up the phone so I decided to just let her be.

Later that evening, after Irene got home from work around 11:30 pm, we had our customary late night tea, and I shared my experiences of the day. We chatted until nearly 2:00 am, and before going to bed, Irene went outside on the deck to get a breath of fresh air. A couple of moments later, she asked me to come outside and look at the northern lights. I went out on the deck and was amazed by the display, they were incredible! I watched them for about fifteen minutes and then I thought of calling Jen so that she too could share this moment. It was late and I was afraid that she would be asleep and would be angry with me if I woke her, but I also knew that she was often up this late watching TV, so I decided to call. She answered the phone on the second ring. I simply told her about the northern lights and she said that she would have a look.

I went back outside and continued watching the display, but after standing and looking up for a while I was beginning to get a stiff and sore neck. I went back to the deck, got a lawn chair and set it in the middle of the yard. I then sat down and stretched myself out on it with the back of my neck and head resting on the back of the chair. I continued to watch the light display for another hour.

The lights had begun in the north but were steadily moving eastward, until eventually, they filled the north and eastern sky. When they peaked in the east, they seemed to explode in multi-colored flares as they crossed the sky to the south and then across from east to the west. After that, it was anyone's guess as to how or where they would move, and at times they covered the entire sky. The colors were fantastic and it felt like the sky was on fire with countless different shimmering colors. At times, they appeared to take on the shape of a phoenix, angels, birds or animals. Long floating multi-colored plumes and flames moved effortlessly back and forth as if to some unheard music, interrupted occasionally by a streaking meteorite. I've never seen such a display of northern lights in all my life. It was truly a magical end to an amazing day

Summary

Healing the outer child is more complicated than healing the inner child as we first need to explore, feel and express what we remember of our inner child that is in our conscious and sub-conscious Mind that will then enable us to enter the gap and heal what is unconscious. If we don't have acceptance to heal our inner child, then healing our outer child will be impossible. Why healing our outer child is more difficult is because in healing your inner child, you already know what is activating you, but in the case of the outer child, you don’t have this knowledge as it is still cut off from your conscious and sub-conscious Mind, as it is still outside your energy field. It’s only after you have worked with you inner child and have gone to the gap where your lost fragment is, that you have conscious awareness of it and what needs to be done to heal this part of you. It’s only after you have brought it back inside your energy field (aura) that you have the insight and understanding of who, what, where, when, why and how you fragmented.

In my healing experience, my conscious Mind knew of my inner child and worked on healing it by allowing it expression during what I call my mini healings, which occurred either during a self-guided meditation/visualization or during a partner guided journey. Once I had a sense of trust established with my Will and my inner child, who knew of my outer child, it then helped me find it. In the course of getting to this point, I had done a lot of work in releasing the feelings and emotions that were coming up that were related to my inner child, so that I then came to the realization that I had fragmented. I had a rough idea of how this fragmentation was related to my inner child, but I wasn’t aware of what the real issues and problems were as it seemed vague and distant. Of course, at the time, I wasn’t aware that I was really dealing with imprints, programs and beliefs and not a specific physical experience or situation like I had with the knife issue.

At first, the only clue that you have that you are dealing with a fragment will be the awareness that you are being activated, and that you want to fight, run or give up. You will not know why you have these feelings as there will be many issues that don’t seem connected, yet when examined in hindsight, they all go back to denying your Will and not allowing yourself to express what you really felt in the moment. You will go through many of these scenarios before you get to your ignition or awakening point. This point can slip by in an instant as you only have a split-second awareness that you have a choice before you gap and react according to your old imprints, programs and beliefs. When you’re finally ready, you will know that this is the moment that you can make the conscious decision to allow yourself to make another choice, and that is to surrender to love and allow your Will and fragment to express itself in whatever way they need to. This acceptance is what will bring this outer child back inside your energy field. You’ll then have the insights and understandings of what was triggering you, and what you were doing by your denials that pushed this lost fragment further away from you. And like in healing the inner child, there is also no warning or awareness of who, what, when, where, or how you will be activated for this healing opportunity and awakening experience, so expect the unexpected.

Getting to this ignition point is a difficult phase as trust is a big issue. Your Mind, the present conscious you reading this, in trusting that this process is going to work and that you will survive, and for your Will and fragment in trusting that this isn't just another trick of your Mind, and that when things get tough, that it isn’t going to keep its word and will just slip back into denial and react to its old imprints, programs and beliefs and abandon it again. Having to repeat similar experiences will mean that you will also have to deal with all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that come up as a result of your past failures. Each time you back-slide into your old habits and have a relapse, the gap between you and your fragment gets bigger and healing becomes more difficult, and the activations more intense. But that is not a bad thing, it just means that you have a big emotional charge and many issues, imprints, programs and beliefs to deal with; otherwise you would have gotten it sooner.

I've found that the best way to bring awareness to what is almost unconscious and locked in the gap, is through the use of meditation/ visualization and/or any other form of body work, energy work, or other healing modality that can help you tap into these lost and forgotten feelings and emotions. The key here is not the form or technique, but the intent and the acceptance of releasing the denied feelings and emotions that surface during a treatment session. Once you’ve gathered enough threads to your fragments you’ll be able to consciously journey to your fragment and then begin the process of reuniting them with the present conscious you, the one that abandoned it during the original experiences in order to survive. While you may have awareness of your outer child fragment, you will not know the precise details involved in the fragmentation and you will still need to be activated into the very issues that caused the fragmentation in the first place, in order to heal it. When that happens, you will not only need to have the awareness that you’re being activated, but also be willing to end your denials and express all that you have been denying by trying to conform to your conditional love imprints, programs and beliefs that would have you put the needs and welfare of others ahead of yours. Of course all this will be clear to you when you are awakened to the illusion you have been living, and you allow your Will and outer child fragment unconditional acceptance and expression.

Chapter 22 - Healing Level 3

Inner/Outer Child - Fear of conflict – Anger and Rage - In the Moment

Background Update

After my second healing experience, Jen pulled away from me and withdrew into her own world. Ending my denials and expressing myself activated her into her terror and heartbreak, and because she denied expressing her real feelings and emotions when activated, she instead expressed her denied rage, judgments, false feelings and emotions that blamed me as being the problem. Several times over the following weeks when she would answer her phone, I tried to explain to her what I experienced that day, but no matter what I said, nothing was going to change her Mind or point-of-view of what she thought happened. It took me a couple of months to begin to understand the full ramifications of what actually happened that day. That the healing was an ongoing process that needed to evolve, including my need to release my attachments to Jen as I was still trying to reach out to her, trying to save her, as guilt was telling me that she helped me and so now I had to return the favor. I finally realized that I couldn’t do that anymore than anyone could save me, as each person has free Will and is responsible for their choices and actions, and that they need to save themselves. That was one of the most difficult realizations I had to face, letting go of the person that had helped me so much. The unconditional loving thing to do was to let her go, knowing that she was on her journey and would have other opportunities to heal her issues and begin to love herself unconditionally. It wasn’t my connection to Jen that I was letting go of, but rather my attachments to her, along with my imprints, programs, beliefs, guilt and shame that would have me hold on to her for whatever unloving reasons they claimed were the loving thing to do.

To use an analogy, it’s like the two of us were shipwrecked and tossed into the ocean without life jackets. We are in contact with each other, offering each other moral support, but eventually she begins to physically, mentally and emotionally get tired and begins to slip under the surface. I move to assist her, to keep her head above water. Soon I find myself struggling to keep both our heads above water and I ask her to keep fighting, to keep swimming and not give up, that I can’t continue to support her as I’m beginning to get tired and go under myself. She swims for a few minutes and then I see her sinking again. Not wanting to see her drown, I struggle to keep her and me afloat and then shockingly realize that I’m underwater with her, and that we are both drowning. I struggle to the surface with her in tow, pleading that she not give up, that she save herself, as I can’t hold her anymore. It’s futile as no matter what I say, she still doesn’t move to save herself. I realize that she has made a choice and that now I’m also faced with making a choice, do I choose life, or do I choose to die with my friend. It’s a difficult and heartbreaking decision, but in the end, I let her go. It’s not that I’m now safe, but that I’ve chosen to cling to life. I’ve given myself some time to reach safety, or until such time that I’m completely physically exhausted and also end up drowning. The decision is difficult only because it is rooted in old imprints, programs and religious beliefs that say the greatest love is to sacrifice oneself to save another. Guilt and shame also added their voices, encouraging me to sacrifice myself. Self-sacrifice is not an action of love, but is an “act” done in the name of love. In other words, it’s a twisted mental concept of what love is, based on old imprints, programs, beliefs, rules and conditions of how one should act in a given situation, instead of just responding to what is being felt and experienced in the moment.

Another analogy that might be easier to grasp is to imagine that there are two people crossing a marshy area and one person becomes trapped and is sinking in the middle of a large patch of quicksand, while the other person is on safe ground. The person trapped is shouting and struggling, as they are now almost neck deep in quicksand. The person on safe ground has a short length of rope that they throw to the trapped person, urging them to grab it so that they can pull themselves out. While the rope is within arm’s reach, the person either refuses to reach for it, or to hold onto the rope should they grab it. There is not enough rope to make a lasso so as to rope them, and neither is there anything nearby that the rope can be securely tied to, so that the person can go in after them and help pull them out. The only choice that the person in the quicksand has, if life is their choice, is to grab the rope and pull themselves to safety. There is nothing that the person on safe ground can do except throw the rope within arm’s reach of the person in the quicksand and then hold on to it and help pull the person out. Jumping in to save the person would only mean that both would die, and both would have died by choice, as life is not what either of them had chosen.

After Jen had refused to see me and had stopped talking to me on the telephone, I was puzzled to see that Irene had now befriended her. They would telephone each other and have long chats and sometimes Irene would drop by Jen’s place for a visit or to take her shopping. It felt weird whenever I overheard a one-sided conversation that Irene was having with Jen, knowing that now Irene was taking my place with Jen.

Since I wasn’t able to work with Jen anymore, I began to do more work with Irene. One issue that Irene had was a fear of water, just like I had a fear of knives. It was a slow and gradual process in getting her to begin to regress during a meditation/visualization to remember her traumatic experiences and then to allow herself to express her real emotions. Eventually, after numerous mini healing sessions that uncovered the reasons why she had this fear, she was able to go to the beach by herself and wade waist deep in the water, where as when we started, she wouldn’t even get out of the van to go near the water. There was still more healing to do but that was a big step for her.

What happened with Jen and me, eventually also happened with Irene, only different. This time it was Irene that was activated by what I said, while I wasn’t activated at the time. When she was activated, she didn’t react into a fight mode like Jen did, instead she ran and withdrew. But that silence didn’t last long as a couple of days later she quietly approached me and said that we needed to talk. She calmly accused me of being the problem, referring to her recent activation, and said I was no longer welcome in her home and that I had to leave. This now activated me as it was not only a big surprise, it was also a big problem. When Jen was activated and told me to leave, it wasn’t a big deal as I was just a visitor in her home. It was a different situation with Irene as I was living there, I wasn’t a visitor, so having to leave meant packing up all my belongings and taking a quick exit. This was emotionally devastating as now the two people that had helped me the most on my healing journey were not only out of my life, but also hating me and not wanting anything to do with me. While I had acceptance for their choices, I found it confusing and heartbreaking as to why all this was happening.

Not having a job or money, I called my ex-father-in-law who had told me a long time ago that if I ever needed anything, to give him a call. I called his home and my ex-wife, who was now staying with him after her mother had died a few years ago, answered the phone. While we were divorced, there was no animosity between us so I told her of my situation and asked her to ask her father if I could stay there for a couple of weeks until I could get a job and a place of my own. She talked to him and when she came back to the telephone, she told me that he said I was most welcome and that I could stay as long as I wanted to. With that news, I breathed a huge sigh of relief as it gave me hope and a breath of life.

On Sept 22, 2001, I packed up my belongings and moved to Toronto to live in my ex-father-in-law’s house, along with my ex-wife. I stayed in a room in the basement and while it was only supposed to be short term until I found a place, I ended up staying there for almost two and a half years. I thought that living in Toronto would make it easier to get a part time job but I was running up against the same issues that I had before. I wasn’t looking for a full time job as I still wanted to continue my writing, so in an effort to earn some money, I decided to do what I had been doing at the Heart Centre. I approached several New Age stores in Toronto and surrounding area and was able to establish a weekly or bi-weekly schedule, whereby I would facilitate various workshops and one-on-one sessions. I also found the odd handy-man job through referrals from people I did work for when I was staying at Irene’s. Between the workshops and handyman jobs, it allowed me to buy groceries, run my truck, and keep me in pocket money. In my spare time, which I had a lot of, I continued to transcribe my journals, creating my first book. When I completed it, I tried to find an agent and publisher but without luck. I then decided to put the project on hold to see if anything developed.

In mid 2003, I began to get the urge to physically move, and in particular, I was feeling a draw to Sedona, Arizona, USA. In preparation to go to the states, I decided to renew my passport not knowing what the American customs were like now after the 9/11 event, and all the talk about Homeland Security. I had saved up some money and having a good reliable vehicle, I packed up my personal stuff and on Feb 14, 2004, I left Toronto to drive to Sedona, to see what unfolded for me there. My plan was that after a short stay in Sedona to find what was drawing me there, I’d make my way up the coast of Californian and Oregon and back to BC, Canada, and then go from there. My trip to the US was cut short as I was turned back at the border. The funny thing was that if I had simply lied and agreed with the customs official when he asked if I was going into the USA for a two-week holiday, I could have crossed the border without a problem. But because I told the truth and said I might be down for a month or so, I was ordered to the side where my truck was searched and I was interrogated. After three hours, I was turned back because I had no job, no permanent address, and no specific person that I was going to see in Sedona that could vouch for me. I’m sure that now I’m flagged as an undesirable alien or as a possible terrorist threat on their paranoid Homeland Security watch list. Taking this experience as an omen that it was not meant to be at this time, undaunted, I decided to still head west and drive out to Kelowna, BC, only because Kelowna rhymed with Sedona, and because I was eventually going to stop there anyway on my way back from the states.

On my way out West, I briefly stopped in to visit my family in Regina, SK, and then my sister in Airdrie, AB, before heading to BC. When I arrived in Kelowna, I picked up the local paper to see about getting a room. After a few phone calls I found one a few blocks from downtown. I had my own furnished room with a fridge and TV, and I shared the kitchen and bathroom with four other guys. There were also two men living upstairs, but they were separate from the lower level. After I got settled in, I searched the newspaper want ads for a part time job but could find nothing that I had experience for. I also dropped into the Canada Employment Office to see if any jobs were available, but there was nothing. I then visited the local New Age centers and introduced myself. I was happy and felt things were turning around when one centre invited me to set up workshops and one-on-one sessions like those that I did in the Toronto area. While I posted my notices, it was slow going as I was an unknown, and the workshops I was holding were not what was typical in this new age community. I even tried to get a full time job, thinking that I could quit in a few months to get back to my writing, but like before, I wasn’t having any luck. After a few months, with the expenses of my trip out West and room rental and food, I was quickly running out of money, and so taking my sisters offer to stay at her place if I had troubles; I made my way back to Airdrie to regroup. In Calgary, I went around to the various New Age centers, but gave up on trying to get anything going as they were even more set in their ways than Kelowna. I then focused on getting a job and this time I was lucky as I managed to pick up a full time, minimum wage job working for a wood pallet re-cycling company, where I worked for the next few months. It was also where I expressed my anger at a co-worker when he shot a mother robin with a compressed air nail gun just for kicks, leaving a nest full of babies to starve to death. I had been giving him a ride home, but after that episode, and when he showed no remorse, I told him to take a hike.

It was in Calgary that another extraordinary woman, Corrine, came into my life. It just so happened that she was also involved with the RUOW material so we had an instant connection. We spent some time together after work and I had more mini healings and experiences with her, some that I never even heard of, or thought were humanly possible. At the end of July, we went on a short holiday to her family’s cabin in Fintry, BC with her two daughters. In mid August, with the school year starting in September, we parted company, she returned to Calgary, while I made my way to Vernon, BC.

While in Vernon, I lived in two different shared accommodation and rooming houses, meeting a host of different personalities. It was a real eye opener to see how people were trying to cope with their feelings and emotions, and how government agencies and social services were treating them. My stay in Vernon also brought up various issues for me, like expressing my anger at the social worker that was abusing one of her clients that was staying in the house, or at the owners visitor that was eating my food and denying it. While I was able to pick up some temporary work as a handyman, I couldn’t get any workshops started as there was only one New Age store in Vernon and they already had the outside services they wanted to offer. When the rooming house I was living in was sold at the end of Nov. 2004, and my handyman job was nearing an end, with no more work in the immediate future, I decided to move to Kelowna as it offered more opportunities to find a job, and it would also allow me to continue with my workshops. After a brief search, I found a shared accommodation that looked interesting and I drove down to Kelowna have a look at it. I moved in on Dec. 01 2004, and on Dec. 11, I experienced my third level of healing.

It’s important to note that while I’ve simplified these years, there were many mini healings taking place as I was putting into practice what I had experienced and learned from my previous levels of healing.

Introduction

While the preceding information briefly describes what was going on between my second and third level of healing, I feel I need to give you a little more background information of my childhood so that you can sense and feel the significance of this next healing experience. You already have an idea of my childhood experiences with my knife issues and in healing my inner child and I also gave you additional personal information in healing the outer child, but there is still more.

My parents were of German descent and devout Roman Catholics. When I started school, I went to an English, Protestant school in the small town of Dubuc, Sask. While my parents went to school and knew how to read and write English, I was never taught to speak English at home, so all that I could speak when I started school was German. Needless to say, my first day of school was horrific and what was to follow was hell on Earth. I was mentally, emotionally and physically abused every day I went to school. There was no love there, only hate. I take that back, there was one teacher, Mrs. Stokes, that I had in grades four to six, that tried to shelter and protect me, but by her showing kindness and compassion for me, it also served to bring more abuse when she wasn't around as I was labeled the teacher’s pet and was punished and hated for that.

The school abuse ended in mid-grade six when I felt I was finally big and strong enough to beat up the guys that were beating me up. Although I could only fight them one at a time, I eventually got to them all. Of course, every time I got one of them, they would gang up on me the next day, but that didn't stop me from getting the next one, until I finally got to the biggest one and beat him up. After years of being abused and beaten and then finally being able to face and beat my attackers, the attacks ceased and I began to find some peace in my life. That peace was short lived as that summer we moved to the city and it started all over again. We moved every year for five years and every time we moved, it was the same thing. I was constantly looking over my shoulder to see who was coming after me. Not only was I being abused at home and at school, but I was also abused by strangers, like the man who attacked me with the knife in the drive in restaurant that I previously shared. That should give you a pretty good idea of the denied anger and rage that I was holding inside of me all these years.

Another thing I feel I need to share is a mini healing that I experienced that deals with my denied anger and rage that has a bearing on the next level of healing. Since 1997, I’ve worked on a number of issues that involved numerous activations dealing with my issues of heartbreak, terror, anger and rage, along with the associated emotional and physical releases, including the release of the related mental judgments that I was holding. The following story is one such mini healing experience and another piece of the puzzle. As previously stated, I met Jen in 1997, and we began helping each other work on healing our emotions and issues, and that was also when I began working on healing my inner and later, my outer Child. With Jens help, I began doing regressions during which I had deep emotional and physical releases. It wasn't until the fall of 1997 that I began working on healing my denied anger and rage. I had been working on my issues with my Mother and the bullies at school, and the following experience was my first attempt at releasing my denied anger and rage in a safe way.

(Copied from Book 3) 1997 Oct 27, I was feeling a lot of pent-up anger and rage building up in me, so much so that I felt like I was going to explode. Jen had also been feeling my denied anger and rage and as it was near Halloween, she suggested that I release it by going out and buying a big pumpkin and smashing it. I thought her crazy for suggesting that, but I also trusted her guidance. I went to the local market and picked up one of the bigger pumpkins that was about 18 inches (45 cm) high and maybe 20 inches (50 cm) wide.

I took the pumpkin home and set it in the middle of the vegetable garden that I had at the back of my old school house property. I went to the shed, picked up my hardwood baseball bat and returned to the garden, resting the tip of the bat on the upright pumpkin. As I stood there, I was thinking that this is silly and stupid as I don't have any anger. I then remembered what Jen had told me to do, that I was to think of all the times when I was angry but couldn't express it. I flashed back to grade school and how the kids used to pick on me and beat me up right from day one. I flashed to my mother and her unlovingness and my wanting to hit her. I flashed to the teachers and the priests. I flashed to other times of being harassed, threatened and attacked. My Mind began to race and I could feel my denied anger and rage beginning to rise. I kept adding fuel to the fire, remembering the times I wanted to rage but didn’t. I picked up the bat and held it poised over my right shoulder, the thoughts and feelings of my denied anger and rage were now flashing through me like lightening. Suddenly, I felt my denied anger and rage ready to lash out and I let it go. I swung the bat with all the force I had within me.

The first strike shattered the pumpkin into a million pieces and buried the bat deep into the garden soil. I couldn't believe it! All that was left of the pumpkin was a piece around the stalk, a little bigger than the size of a coffee cup. The rest had exploded in an orange pulp that encircled me in a fifteen-foot (five meter) radius. The biggest pieces of the entire pumpkin, that I later found, were five pieces of shell about the size of a quarter (2 cm). The pumpkin had just disintegrated. My shoes were covered in orange pumpkin pulp as were the front of my pants and shirt. Directly behind me, it looked like my body was casting a dark shadow on a sea of orange, as it had blocked the explosion of the pumpkin and the ground was bare. I pulled the bat out of the soil, took a deep breath, re-focused and when ready, took another swing at the remaining piece of pumpkin. The second blow shattered the stock and buried the bat even deeper into the ground than on the first strike. That was it! Two strikes and the pumpkin was gone. I was shocked at the power I had unleashed. I also felt lighter and freer, like a huge weight had been lifted off me. I remember crying after the second blow and just standing there in the middle of the garden with the bat still resting in my right hand and the other end buried in the Earth. I didn't cry much but there were tears and a silent feeling of release and relief. I felt better afterwards, but I also had guilt over destroying the pumpkin. I went back to the house, changed my clothes and slept for a few hours. (The end)

The experience with the pumpkin that I’ve just shared is what I feel was my first physical attempt at healing my denied anger and rage that was brought on and triggered while I was doing my inner and outer child work. What is important is that this release was done in a safe manner, in that I didn’t let it out at any person or myself, but at the poor pumpkin. It was not "the" healing experience, but rather another step in healing. Healing my denied anger and rage was to be a lengthy and evolving process that also included healing my terror and heartbreak. During the next few years, I would be going through numerous regressions that activated both emotional and physical releases including denied anger and rage, although none as dramatic as the pumpkin experience that I described.

The third level of healing that I’m about to share was similar to that of my second level, in that there was no key emotional/physical release that corresponded to the actual anger and rage experience, but at the same time, it was also different because instead of being activated, I was fully present, conscious, aware and in the moment. This experience was the culmination of numerous mini healings that I’ve experienced dealing with denied anger, rage, terror and heartbreak along with the accompanying emotional and physical releases as well as the release of the mental judgments and beliefs and the corresponding imprints and programs, and all these occurring over an extended period of time. And just like all the other healings, this wasn't about one issue or experience, but involved a number of issues, experiences and layers. It was an experience of the power of unconditional love, where there were no denials present, and old imprints, programs and beliefs were not being activated, as the emotional charge behind them had been worked on and healed to allow this next level of healing to take place.

As you begin to heal your issues with heartbreak and terror, you are also working with your issues of anger and rage. It’s not in a direct manner, but more like a back door approach. Once you begin expressing your terror and heartbreak, by default, you are no longer as angry as you were as that denied anger and rage to fight and get even charge is also reduced. Working on expressing your denied anger and rage in a safe way is also connecting to, and beginning to heal your denied terror and heartbreak. Like I said, healing is not simple as there are many issues and layers, but expressing whatever comes up; no matter how small, is an important step as it opens the door for more to follow. After years of working on healing my issues of anger and rage, heartbreak and terror, layer by layer, I was finally able to feel and understand my anger and rage on a different level, as another level of healing had taken place. The following is the healing I experienced.

Healing 3 - Anger and Rage

Anger – Rage – Being in the moment - Terror

In November of 2004, unbeknownst that it was even up for sale, the rooming house I was living in had been sold and we were all told that we had to move out by the end of the month. I decided to move to Kelowna, and after checking out a couple of places, I rented a room from a guy named Nick. He was also interested in various New Age topics like conspiracy theories, UFO's and health food, so we had some things in common. While I had my own bedroom, we shared the common areas of the house like the kitchen and bathroom. As it so happened, on Dec. 01, the day I moved in, we had a confrontation and I was almost evicted.

On the day of the move, after helping the owners of the house I was living in move some of their stuff, I packed up my truck and headed for my new home. I arrived around 3:00 pm and Nick greeted me at the door. Nick had given me a quick tour of the house when I first looked at renting the room, so I knew the basic layout. As I had a look around the room to see where I was going to put my stuff, he showed me the internet connection and then advised me that he was going to have a bath. By 4:00 pm, I had unpacked and organized my stuff, and had even set up my computer. I now needed to go to the toilet, but when I went to the bathroom, the door was closed and I could hear him still having a bath. I waited and waited, and it was now getting dark. Around 5:30 pm, I heard a noise coming from the main part of the house. I was now bursting to go. I opened my door and saw him in the kitchen with a towel wrapped around his waist. He was doing something at the counter so I figured he was finished with the bathroom. I didn’t know where the light switches were, so in the semi-darkness, I slowly made my way through the living room and kitchen to the bathroom. He had his back to me and was mixing up some kind of drink at the kitchen counter, so he didn't see or hear me as I made my way past him. The bathroom was dark, so I reached in around the door to find the light switch. To my surprise, I felt something come off in my hand and then heard it fall on the ceramic floor. He also heard it drop and came storming into the bathroom, pushing me aside and telling me that I broke the light switch. I saw where the piece landed and quickly reached down and picked up the button for a slider-type dimmer switch. I looked at the button and told him that it wasn't broken; that it had just come off when I was trying to turn on the light. I pushed the button back in place on the slider and slowly moved it up and down, but the light didn't come on. He shouted at me that it doesn't work and that he needs to get a new light bulb, and that I should have used the small light that was on the bathroom sink.

I looked at him and snapped back, "And how in the hell was I supposed to know that when you never told me, and it's too dark in here to see anything?"

He glared at me and yelled, "Well you should have asked."

I replied sarcastically. "Ask what? If the light switch is loose and if the light bulb is okay? What else is wrong in this house that you are not telling me? Spit it out and don’t miss a thing. If you don’t tell me everything that is wrong, then let me find out for myself, but don't blame me if I touch something that's broken because you didn't tell me."

With that, he backed off a few steps and then threatened to evict me right then and there. Now that was an issue for me as I had previously given him $225.00 for a security and damage deposit when I decided to take the room, and had just given him another $450.00 in cash a couple hours ago for this month’s rent. I felt that it was too late to be packing up and moving in the dark and I also didn't have the money to stay in a motel for a few days until I found another place. Being December, with snow on the ground, it was too cold to sleep in my tent and I then thought that I might be living in my truck for a few days. I also couldn't afford to get another place unless I got my money back. All this was rushing through my Mind and I still needed to go to the bathroom. I asked him to leave so that I could do my business, which he did, but he also informed me that just because he was in the kitchen, that didn't mean he was finished using the bathroom and that he had to go back, so I was to hurry up. After doing my business, he didn’t say a word as he made his way back into the bathroom. I went to my room, took a few deep breaths and laid down on the bed to try to figure out what I was going to do.

About twenty minutes later, he knocked on my door and we had a chat. Although he didn't say he was sorry for blowing off at me, we did talk about what happened and that's when he told me that there was another bathroom in the master bedroom, his bedroom, which I could use if he was in the main one having a bath or shower. As we talked, I could feel that he had been abused as a child and that his heart was broken. I expressed what I felt and that brought tears to his eyes. He asked if we could start over and I agreed, and we gave each other a hug.

There was a peace, but it was an uneasy peace as he was also being activated by a homeless guy that he had living in the garage that I didn't know about. Nick had met the guy on the street and felt sorry for him as he was sleeping out in the cold, so he offered him the garage in exchange for doing some renovations that would turn the garage into another apartment. Nick knew that I did handyman work and asked if I would like to see the garage, which I did. As we went out the back door, I noticed a huge pile of used lumber in the middle of the backyard. Nick said that the garage had a wood stove and that the guy was supposed to cut it up for firewood as he needed it. As we made our way around the lumber, I commented on the orange extension cord running from the house to the garage and he said that the garage didn’t have any electric power and that this was only a temporary measure.

The first thing that struck me as we entered the windowless building was the smell of a wood stove and that of open sewage. Nick stumbled over objects laying on the floor trying to find a small electric lamp. When it found it and turned it on, it’s dim light revealed the contents of the room. The only facility in the garage was the wood stove that not only provided heat but also served as a cook stove to prepare meals. An old army cot was crooked against the wall, one leg broken and being supported by a stack of 2x4 lumber. On the cot lay a couple of blankets piled in a heap, some nondescript clothing, along with some half eaten food, food wrappers and empty containers. By the garage door, on a small wooden box stood a plastic container of fresh water. Near it was another plastic container that, judging by the smell, was being used as a toilet, the lid lying on the floor beside it. Garbage and half-eaten food littered the old wooden floor along with items of soiled clothing, a couple of dirty pots and dishes, along with pieces of wood and building material. Near the wood stove, resting on some firewood was a dirty electric fry pan and kettle. Nick was constantly accusing the guy of doing drugs and of bringing undesirable homeless people to the garage at night. He was really afraid that the police would come and raid the place and that he would be in trouble. That was an issue for him as although I never got the whole story, enough was said that I knew that he had several run-ins with the law, hence, the issue of not wanting to draw any attention to himself.

The house also had electrical problems that annoyed Nick. It wasn't really the house that had the problem, but Nick running all of his electronic gadgets, his home theatre, audio systems, surveillance and other stuff that was continually tripping the circuit breakers. The circuits that were overloaded were the ones that fed power to the kitchen fridges, Nick's electronic equipment, and the extension cord to the garage. Nick blamed the guy in the garage for tripping the circuit breaker by using an electric kettle or fry pan to cook his food, instead of using the wood stove. Whenever the circuit breaker would be overloaded and switch off, Nick would get ticked off that his health food in the fridge would be spoiled and also that he had to re-set all his electronic equipment. As luck would have it, the electrical control panel was in my room, and although my room was not affected by the power outages, he felt that it was my responsibility to monitor the power and to re-set the breakers that I didn't even know were off.

Somehow, even with all this stuff going on, we still managed to socialize over cups of coffee or hot chocolate, where we discussed numerous topics, including some personal past issues. During these conversations I picked up that he was not only heartbroken, but that he also had a lot of denied anger and rage, and big time terror, and that was part of the reason he was doing weight training to keep in shape, and why he had all the surveillance equipment inside and outside his house, and the garage. He had five digital cameras inside the house, and another seven outside, monitoring all points of his property and the garage. They were on all the time and activated by motion detectors. He had an automated switching network so that he could also program which video and audio feeds he was recording. Paranoid is an under-statement.

It was Saturday, December 11, 2004. I had been living there for almost two weeks. It was late morning when I found him in the bathroom installing some strips of L-shaped vinyl molding, the kind with the adhesive backing, to seal the joint where the plastic tub-surround on the wall meets the top of the bathtub. Being a handyman, I mentioned that a silicone sealant does a nice job at sealing that joint, and that the adhesive vinyl strip might work but that it needed a good day to set, and that we shouldn't use the shower tonight or it would get wet and come off. He agreed with me and I left him to finish his job.

Later that night, I was getting ready to go to bed and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I turned on the tap to run some water and had just picked up my toothpaste and toothbrush, when he suddenly threw open the door and burst into the bathroom. He was filled with anger and rage as he grabbed my throat with both hands and began choking me, while I held the toothpaste in my left hand and my toothbrush in my right. I was momentary surprised and confused, but as he raged, I knew what had set him off and that it had nothing to do with me, except that he thought it did, as he believed that I was having a shower. I expressed myself and rebutted his false accusations and told him to take his hands off of me, as I wasn’t having a shower, I was brushing my teeth, as he could plainly see.

What was most surprising to me during all this was the realization that I wasn't in shock or terror, nor was I angry. I wasn’t afraid of him even though I could smell that he had been drinking, and the fact that he was a good 70 - 80 lbs heavier than me, and was like I said before, into weight training. In that moment, he was in full-blown denied rage yet I had no fear, no projection or expectation of what he was going to do to me, or that I would have to harm him. I was also aware that I was not angry at him. It was a moment of total awareness and presence, one that I had never experienced before. He dropped his hands from my throat and left the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

I turned to continue to brush my teeth, but within a couple of seconds, he threw open the door and again grabbed my throat with both hands. I still had my toothpaste in my left hand and my toothbrush in my right. This time he was even more enraged then before as he shoved his face, inches from mine, and I could smell and feel his hot alcoholic breath as he was snarling, cussing and spittering hate in my face. Again I had no fear, but this time I was angry, but in a different way, one that I had never experienced before. I looked him in the eye as I walked the fingers of my right hand up my toothbrush and grasped the bristles in the palm of my hand, with my thumb crooked over the end of the toothbrush. At the same time, I spoke to him in a tone and manner that left no doubt about my intent. I informed him that he had three seconds to remove his hands from my throat and get out, or I would ram the end of my toothbrush into his eye. His gaze shifted to the toothbrush that was now positioned about six inches away from his glaring and bulging left eye.

He looked shocked! His gaze suddenly shifted from the toothbrush to my eyes, then back to the toothbrush and back to my eyes. Terror then filled his face as he released his grip from my neck and bolted for the door, as if he couldn't get away fast enough. As he slammed the door behind him, he called me crazy and a host of other names. I opened the door and told him that I didn't accept his behavior or his denied anger and rage, and that if he ever tried anything again, that there would be no hesitation as to what I would do to defend myself from his attack. I calmly closed the door and returned to brushing my teeth. When I was finished, I went back to my room and reflected on what had just happened, how I wasn’t activated or terrified, and how I expressed my real anger that was unlike any anger I had ever known. I also felt an unusual peace and calm, but that was short lived as now my Mind went into over-drive, playing out all the possible scenarios of what could have, or what will happen.

He never did come after me again and although we talked about what happened, he never apologized for his outburst as he still believed that it was my fault that he got angry. A couple of days after the incident, I felt that my reason for being there was now finished and I gave my notice that I would be leaving at the end of the month, in just over two weeks. He never said anything at the time, although he spoke to me a few days after the incident telling me that he didn't want me to leave, and asking me to stay. I had already made arrangements for another room, so I said no, and that I wasn’t going to change my Mind. On the day of my move, he left the house early before giving me my damage deposit back, and he never came back to the house before I moved out. In the following days, I telephoned him several times and dropped by daily, but he just avoided me. While I was trying to get my security deposit back, I was also in a new situation that was activating me, but in a totally different unloving way. And so the journey continues.

Summary

My third level of healing was the experience of being attacked by someone that was not only bigger than me, but had been drinking and was in denied anger and in rage. This scenario would have normally terrified me, but this time I was neither shocked nor activated by the experience. I was fully present and in the moment and didn’t react to the attack like I used to, based on my old imprints, programs and beliefs. Instead, I calmly responded to the situation with unconditional love, including expressing my real anger and rage that surfaced to protect me. This was not like the hot denied anger and rage that I felt before, that wanted to strike out and beat whatever I felt was attacking me, nor was it the cold calculating type of denied anger and rage that wanted revenge and retribution. This anger was one that I had never experienced before and was soft and loving, yet firm in its resolve. I was also aware that my heart wasn’t racing and that my breathing was unchanged. I was responding to him as if he was only asking me a simple question, and not verbally and physically attacking me as he was doing. Even after it was all over, it was difficult to grasp what had just happened as it seemed surreal, but was definitely real none the less.

Although it went unnoticed by me for a while, I realized later that my mother that had threatened me with a knife was also bigger than me, and that the other attacks on me were also by people larger than me. The man that attacked me with a knife, that I mentioned in my first level of healing was also bigger and had been drinking, as was Nick in the experience I just described. Although I had healed my issues with being attacked by a person with a knife in my first level of healing, there was still the issue of being attacked by a person bigger than me that I still needed to heal, as well as expressing my real anger and rage at being attacked. The second level of healing offered me the insights and understandings to trust my Will, and to express my truth, no matter what the other person was saying or doing. In this third level of healing, being forthright and putting all the things that I had previously experienced, learned and healed into practice, allowed me to experience yet another level of healing, that of lovingly expressing my real anger and rage in the moment I was being attacked.

As you can see, each level of healing was a step up, or a step forward in giving myself unconditional love, which eventually brought me to experiencing the power of Unconditional Love when I was fully conscious and aware, in the present moment, and in a potentially dangerous situation. Like I mentioned earlier, in order to get to these steps or levels, I had to do a lot of emotional, mental and physical releasing and clearing as there were many emotions and many layers involved in the process that required both time and effort, using the tools I've mentioned. Although these little mini healing steps seem insignificant compared to these actual milestone events, they all were extremely important and a necessary part of the process, or I would never have had the milestone events in my journey that I’ve just described. In the course of my journey, I've also realized that there is no quick fix if true and real healing is the intent, and that no quick fix can ever give you what real healing can, which is a life altering experience.

It matters not you try and fail, and try and fail again. It matters much you try and fail, and fail to try again. - Shenreed

Conclusion

This concludes the second book in the trilogy, and it’s my hope that it has not only expanded your conscious awareness, but also activated your emotions and touched your Heart. That you not only resonate with what I’ve share, but can also see and feel how it relates to your life and issues. That as you read the insights, understandings, and my healing experiences, that you not only begin to see how the pieces fit together, but also how you can apply what you have learned to help you heal your issues with your Mind, Will, Heart and Body. The main message that I want to share is that healing ones fears and emotional issues is possible when judgments and denials are ended. Yes, it’s complicated and not easy, but I assure you, it is well worth the effort.

While I share the understandings, insights, and the healing experiences on my journey, it is still a journey that you need to desire to experience for yourself. As stated, these books are based on my personal experiences, and to truly understand them you will have to do more than just read them, you will also have to apply the insights and understandings to your daily life and experience them for yourself to “know” if they are also true for you. Without the application and experience, they are merely mental concepts, knowledge, and words from a book. How quickly you heal and empower yourself will depend entirely on your intent, effort, courage, and your willingness to end your judgments and denials of your Will, and release your attachments to the people, places, and things in your life, including your social and religious beliefs.

While blatant denials are easy to identify, it’s the unseen role of denial that is more difficult. One such unseen role of denial is that of being in denial of being in denial, and is a major issue and stumbling block in healing and empowering yourself. The reason you are in denial of being in denial is because you honestly believe, like I did, that you know what love is, based on what you have been taught. You also believe that you are a loving person and that what you are saying and doing is not only loving to yourself, but also to others. You are unknowingly still running on old imprints, programs and beliefs that would have you believe that your judgments and false feelings and emotions are the truth and real. When the Mind is in denial, it’s in a fog and can’t differentiate the false from the real, the lies from the truth. While the Mind may say it wants to end its denials and heal, it is still trying to do that with the old denial based beliefs and judgments. You can’t fix a problem using the same information and thinking process that created the problem.

Because releasing judgments and ending denials is new and unknown territory for the Mind, it is also something that it fears. The Mind is quick to lie, omit, avoid, deny, and even forgets that it had the intent to end its denials. The Mind doesn’t realize that it is the problem, but instead, believes that the problem is out there, and that it is the innocent victim. Unwilling to change its point-of-view, it keeps trying to change its outer reality, the result being that the same old issues keep repeating, albeit at different times and in different forms, and then claims that healing is impossible.

The way to overcome this is in two stages. The first is by having the intent to become aware of your blatant denials, lies, omission and avoidance techniques, and secondly, to have the courage to take action to end them when they are exposed and recognized. Accepting the fact that you are in denial, and then verbally admitting it and your accompanying judgments, allows you to access and express your real feelings and emotions and release the negative energy charge holding them and your judgments. If your intent is to end your denials and heal your issues, there is only one way that works, as any denial, however subtle, negates the intent. Once you have had experience in ending your blatant denials, lies, omission and avoidance techniques, you can then focus your intent and attention at identifying and ending the subtle, unseen role that denial plays in your life.

Every person’s experiences on their journey is going to be different, and each person will have to face their individual fears and denials to heal their issues. There is only one way to end denials as there are no alternatives or quick fixes, except those that contain denial. While it may not be apparent, what is also involved in this process, is not only the difference between denial and no denial, but also the difference between conditional and unconditional love. While you may think you have loving intent, if you are unaware of the unseen role of denial in your intent, then your intent is bent, and you will never reach your goal of healing and empowering yourself and experiencing unconditional love. Ending denials requires that you not only have loving intent, but also the courage and forthright effort to face your fears and climb to the top of your (fear) mountain. The journey of climbing your mountain is yours and yours alone. While others can assist you on your journey, they can’t do it for you. Facing your fears and climbing your mountain is only something that you can do, and unless you try with every fabric of your Being, you will never know what you failed to experience, but then again, that is your choice.

The first mountain or issue I had to climb was my fear of knives that would send me into a panic attack. That mountain was a physical thing, an object. The second mountain was non-physical, that being a fear of asking questions, challenging another when I had doubt, and of not expressing myself in the moment. My third mountain was a combination of the first and second, in that it was both a physical thing and an expression or action. In all three cases, in order to climb the mountain and reach the peak, I had to go back to my original cause to heal the experiences that imprinted and programmed me to react as I did. Once I found and healed them, I was no longer activated or triggered. Having climbed the mountain and healed those issues, they are no longer issues for me. I’m not denying that I had those issues, but now, for example, whenever I see a person with a knife, instead of going into a panic attack like I used to, it’s as if they were holding a spoon as there is no longer an emotional charge or judgment associated with seeing a knife. I’m not denying and pretending that I have no fear, it’s that I’m genuinely fearless. Don’t get me wrong, I still have other issues and mountains to climb, it’s just that I don’t have to keep climbing the same one, time and time again; been there done that. I now apply what I’ve learned from my past healing experiences to what I am experiencing now. The quickest way to deal with anyone or anything that you feel is attacking you, is to not deny expressing what you are feeling and to challenge their intent, but, if you are being activated by what they are saying or doing, then it’s your issue that you need to look into. It’s only our denials in expressing our Will (intuition, feelings and emotions) that creates our problems and issues. However, if someone now activates me, I look at it as a gift, in that it is yet another opportunity to climb another mountain and heal another issue.

It’s important to note that every level of healing I had, included healing some aspect of my fear of confrontation and conflict, of people attacking and hurting me if I failed to please and make them happy. All my life I’ve been under constant stress and pressure when I was around other people as I felt that I was always walking on eggshells. I had to constantly watch what I said and did so as not to activate another and either have them reject me, or trigger them into their denied anger and rage where they would attack me. After each level of healing that I experienced, that fear and burden was progressively lifted and I felt that I could move and breathe easier. It’s not that I still didn’t have issues with conflict and confrontation, but the constant level of fear and anxiety was progressively and noticeably diminished with each level of healing. This was also in direct relationship to my being aware of, and ending my denials that had been creating my reality, where I felt that I was the innocent victim that was for some unknown reason, always being attacked.

In writing these books, I know that I have placed myself in the position of a Wayshower, as I feel I have things to share that I know many are searching for. I know that some of you that read my words will think that I'm above you, or holier than thou; that I lack love and compassion, and that I have no understanding of your situation and issues that would enable me to bridge the gap that you feel is between us. You need to realize that if you are being activated by what I am sharing, then that is your issue, including your judgments on authority and your feelings of not being good enough, less than, inferior, unloved, unwanted and the list goes on and on. If you think that I don't relate to your issues and problems, you are wrong, I do, as I have been there done that. We may not have the same experiences, but we have similar feelings and emotions. Heartbreak feels the same for you as it does for me, as does anger, terror or whatever else one feels through their experiences. Just because I’m not being activated by the same old issues I had in the past, that doesn’t mean that I’m in denial of them, it means that I have healed them and they are no longer an issue. Of course, I could pretend to still have the same old feelings and activations, but then I would be in denial and what’s the point. If you want to know what I was feeling when I was in the process of learning how to heal my issues, you can read about the trials and tribulations I went through in my third book.

I am like you, and I am not like you. Even though I have had several levels of healing and a host of insights and understandings related to those healings, when it comes to moving to the next level of healing, I'm basically back to square one. Not the same square one where I was when I began my journey, but square one when it comes to being confused and controlled by my new "old" issues as well as the new "old" imprints, programs and beliefs. I find it just as difficult to get myself out of this mental fog, doubt and confusion that I now find myself in, as I did when I had my first level of healing. I find myself still avoiding and denying but in different ways than I did before, and in ways that I don't consciously recognize. I don’t even know what issue I'm working on, or the who, what, where, when, why and how I'm going to heal it. While I may think that I know, what I think it is and what it really is are seldom one and the same. I have to literally think/feel my way through it by trial and error, while at the same time; I'm still caught up in doing other things that I think are important. Presently I think/feel that what I'm doing now is finishing up the remnants of the unseen role of denial of the levels of healing that I've done, so that I can move onto the next level. So while I have the "been there done that" knowing and understanding of my past levels of healings that you and others are now working on, I'm still in the same boat, but with different situations and issues. When it comes to my next level of healing, I have no one to show me what I'm missing, only the RUOW material, my guides, and the people that come into my life that activate me. Like I said before with my first levels of healing, I had to think/feel my way through it, by trial and error, until I found what I was missing, and to then begin healing those issues and moving to the next level. There are still countless issues I need to heal as well as gifts and talents to recover that will then enable me to live the life I desire, Heaven on Earth.

While you may not realize it, you now have an advantage that I didn’t have, in that you don’t have to do your healing by trial and error, unless that is what you want to do. You not only have the RUOW books, but you also have the tools, insights and understandings that I share in my books that you can use to make your journey quicker and easier. What I’m sharing in these books are the tools and techniques I’ve discovered that work for me, as well as my experiences that I feel will help you on your path up your mountain. Whether or not you choose to use the tools, insights and understandings I share is entirely your choice and who, what, where, when, why and how you share what you experience and learn is also your choice. If you don’t apply the tools, insights and understandings to your issues, then you will never know if it works for you or not. I’m not asking you to follow me or my path, as that is impossible as you are not me, and my path is not your path. What I’m offering you is a map, a guide, so to speak, with information that can help you on your journey. You can either go through years of trial and error like I did, to enable you to reach the levels of healing, insights and understandings on your own, or you can apply what I share here, coupled with the RUOW books and speed up your healing process. As always, it’s your choice and intent to heal yourself that matters.

While it may appear contradictory, one thing I need to say is that the insights and understandings that I share in this book are not “the” truth, but are part of my truth in this moment and it may change in the next moment when I gain new understandings and insights. My truths are not fixed or cast in stone; they keep evolving and expanding as I experience new insights, understandings and healings. What I understand and know one day, pales in comparison to what I understand and know the next time I gain new experiences and insights. Every mini-healing where I touch feelings and emotions that were previously denied and unknown are part of the puzzle and my truth. I may even back pedal when I realize that I missed a key element, or was unaware of the unseen role of denial, and so what I thought was real and valid is now exposed as a part truth or even false. That’s not bad or wrong, and is in fact, a necessary experience as what was experienced was not of conscious bad intent, but of bent intent and ending it is what healing and self-empowerment is all about. It’s about cutting away all that is false to expose the truth, and the truth shall set you free. To know what truth is, you need to know what is not the truth. To know what love is, you need to know what is not love. And you can’t know the truth or love, unless denials are ended.

There is a big difference between a person that thinks they know the truth, and one that is seeking the truth. To heal, you need to be a truth seeker and be willing to challenge all that you believe to be true. You need to have the intent to find the truth and to end all conscious denials, lies, omission and avoidance patterns and to not only look for, but end the unseen role of denial that is present in your daily activities. You need to be able to see the bigger picture, as well as the subtle minute details, the forest and the tree. You need to be both the observer and the subject, meaning that you have to take your ideas and put them into action to see if they are valid and the truth. Finally, you need to not only talk the talk; you need to walk the talk, meaning, living your truth. The healing journey is like a gigantic multi-dimensional puzzle with countless layers and levels that are all interconnected. There are unexpected twists, turns and subtle changes in the experiences we have, and whether we react or respond to them is what will determine the experiences that follow. An experience that may appear to be a bad thing, may turn out to be key to our healing journey, while the opposite is also true in that what appears to be a good thing, may be detrimental. It all pivots around our intent and the unseen role of denial at play in the experiences.

Each of us is a piece of the puzzle and while we are unique and different, we are all connected to the same source. We have different talents, skills, abilities and gifts that we need to share with one another. Most of these abilities have either been lost, or are being denied and suppressed. To uncover these lost parts of us, we need to look within. We need to bring light and love to the parts of us that are in the dark and existing in the shadows of our lives. While we need to do this for ourselves, we don’t need to do it alone, meaning that if we are open, we can have others assist us, but, here is that but again, they can’t do it for us, as it is our choice that must free and heal the lost parts of ourselves. In all this, Heart is the key, without Heart presence there is no love, and where there is no love, life cannot exist. Without Heart presence there is only cold heartlessness, indifference, denial and death. The only way that we can experience unconditional love and life is through healing all parts of our Being by ending our denials of them. Our Heartfelt intent and forthright action will then form the blueprint and lay the foundation to create our new reality, that of experiencing unconditional love and life, and manifesting Heaven on Earth.

In closing, I’d like to say that we need to take personal responsibility for our well being, that instead of blindly accepting the quick fix, Band-Aid approach of treating the symptoms, we need to address and heal the cause. True healing and self-empowerment can take place when we are in balance, when we can accept and express all our thoughts, feelings, emotions and desires without fear, judgment, denial, guilt or shame in the present moment, no longer controlled by our old imprints, programs and beliefs. It’s then that we’re able to express and experience the love, joy and magic in our Hearts, to be who we truly are, and not what we think others want us to be.

About the Author

My Journey…

a search for truth, understanding, and the meaning of life.

In 1990, my personal and business world was collapsing, and frustrated with my life and traditional dogma, I began my journey, my search for truth and the meaning of life. In the following seven years, I read over 250 books on almost every New Age and self-help topic, as well as exploring various religions, trying to find the answers to my probing questions. As I ventured into the great unknown, I had no guide, no sign posts, only my Mind and my feelings, which I didn't trust, to help me find what was missing in my life. I was blinded by a fog, aware only that I was searching for something but not knowing what I was searching for, how to find it, where to look for it, or to even know if I had found it when I did, and then what to do with it, when, and if I found it. While this outer search offered some part truths, something was always missing or didn’t feel right. I was searching for a common thread that would link all the part truths of the books together, as I felt that then I would find and know the truth.

In 1994, I began my inner search when I was introduced to meditation. During the next three years, it expanded to include past life regression, astral journeys, channeling, shamanic, and multi-dimensional journeys. All these "tools," as I came to call them, not only expanded my conscious awareness, but also opened new frontiers and experiences for me. I continued to simultaneously explore my outer and inner reality, still looking for the common thread.

It wasn’t until early 1997, when I obtained the book, “Right Use of Will” (RUOW) by Ceanne DeRohan, that things began to click and make sense for me that "felt" right, even though I didn't understand it at the moment. I also found the common thread I was looking for. What I found that was common, was not what was being said, but what was not being said, what was being denied, and that was the major turning point in my search. It was at this time that I also began to keep detailed journals, not only of the channeled messages I was receiving, but also of my thoughts, feelings, emotions and experiences.

Reading the RUOW books opened my awareness to the role that denial was playing in my life. I then realized that all the tools I had been using were based in denial and needed to be changed, and that I also needed to combine the tools I had developed with the esoteric points-of-view and the emotional work that RUOW provided. I then modified my tools and changed them from a denial-based format (denial and suppression of feelings and emotions) to a non-denial format, where I would allow my feelings and emotions an opportunity to move and be expressed. This change allowed me to begin working on healing my inner and outer child issues and develop another tool that I called, Coequal Therapy. These tools or healing modalities are what I share in my first book, “Journeys from the Heart Centre - Meditation as a tool for healing and Self-empowerment.”

As I worked with these new tools, I began to merge and apply the insights and understandings I was getting on my inner experiences, with what I was experiencing in my outer reality and daily life. As I ventured further into this new and unknown emotional territory, it took me through feeling almost every possible emotion, as well as having some experiences that are beyond belief. I continued to write about my experiences, thoughts, feelings, emotions, insights, and the channeled messages and guidance that I was receiving, knowing that I would be writing books, and that these entries would form the basis of these books.

Using the tools provided me with the mini healing steps, or stages, that were necessary in order for me to get to not only the first level of healing, but also the subsequent levels. The initial mini healing steps or stages were experienced by using the tools like, clearing my astral plane, releasing attachments, working with my animal guides and totems, past lives, channeling, and especially in working with my inner and outer child. Using these tools provided me with the emotional, mental and physical releases, as well as the ability to apply what I had experienced and learned to my daily life. In the course of my healing journey, I discovered that what I was deliberately or ignorantly told, and naively believed, were flaws in my character and personality that I had to deny and control, were in actuality, my strength and power, and is where the healing needs to take place. It was, and still is, confusing and frustrating as I go through the gradual processes and the different stages and levels of healing. At times, I still feel that I’m just going in circles and that I can’t see the tree for the forest and that healing is impossible, and that’s only because I haven’t found and healed the real issue, as I’m still lost in that fog.

It's important to realize that when I was using the tools, I was in effect, planning and controlling my experiences. I usually had a specific intent and used the meditation/visualization tools to help me get my Mind to focus on a specific issue or experience while in an altered state of consciousness, and in most cases, I was also being guided during this process. While I was often activated during these little journeys and I’d have strong emotional and physical releases, these were in actuality, mini healings; they were not the major breakthrough releases that I’d later experience when I reached the first or subsequent levels of healing. These journeys, hindsights, mini healings, insights and understandings all served to prepare me for the next big step or level of healing.

When I later experienced these major levels of healing, I had no conscious intent or knowledge that I was ready, and no warning that I was going to be activated into my issues with a real life experience. Of course, it never dawned on me at the time that I would need to be activated by a real life situation similar to the one I originally experienced and was now ready to heal. But until I finally had that awareness and the proverbial light went on in my Mind, I just continued reacting to my old imprints, programs and beliefs and going in circles. When I was being activated during my first major level of healing, I remembered more of what I had previously touched on during my journeys and mini healings that I've mentioned. I realized that I had a choice as to whether or not I would allow myself to find my real issues and express my real emotions that were surfacing as a result of the activation, or deny them and react as I had been doing all my life. In other words, this healing wasn’t a planned journey and I was not prepared to be activated by a real life experience, but I also knew that I was prepared and ready for this healing experience or it wouldn't be happening. It was this first level of healing that also gave me the insight and awareness of what false emotions were, and how imprinting and programming affected my Mind.

With the help of the RUOW material, my Spirit Guides, and using the tools I had developed with the aid of my healing partner, I had my first major level of healing in 1999. My second level of healing was in 2000, when I had an awakening, where I was reborn, so to speak, as what I experienced was a 180-degree shift from what I had believed love was. Although that experience only lasted a few moments, it showed me the power of unconditional love and what was possible when I chose self-love and not the denial and self-hatred I was used to. Love was one thing that I didn’t expect to discover in my search for truth, as I believed that I was already a loving person. To begin to know the truth of what love is, I had to know what love is not. Experiencing and knowing what unconditional love really was, also opened me to understanding and knowing what denial was. Once I had this realization and insight, it was as if the fog or veil had been lifted and my journey became clearer, but at the same time, I was flooded with even more questions.

All of this work was, and the new work still is, experimental, and like Leonardo da Vinci, I consider myself a disciple of experience. I find myself not only being the scientist in search of truth and understanding, but also the test subject in having to submerge myself in the experiment so that I, the scientist, can experience the feelings and emotions and obtain the understandings that will allow me to know if my hypothesis is accurate and valid, and that real healing, change and growth is indeed possible when denials are ended. In other words, I need to "walk my talk" that then gives me the, "been there done that" understanding and knowing.

I don't have all the answers and my truth is evolving as is my consciousness. I find that I’m constantly being activated by either some new levels of old issues, or some entirely new issues that are coming up for healing and understanding. In each case, I have to learn by trial and error until I finally "get it" and know how to heal them, and it’s then that I gain the understanding I was looking for that enables me to proceed to the next level of healing. I’ve also come to realize that there is no “quick fix,” and that this is indeed a process and a journey. My truth is always evolving and expanding as my consciousness evolves, and what was true one day becomes a part truth the next, when what was hidden is revealed. My journey continues as I search for, and put the pieces of the puzzle together, to live in truth without denial. Now, I’m on the journey to heal other aspects of my Being and to integrate this new awareness into the physical world, to “walk my talk,” to manifest and live in the world and a creation I have yet to dream and imagine.

If you would like to know more about my personal background before I began my journey, or of my experiences during my journey, other than what I’ve shared in this book, you can find more information in my other books. What I want to share here is just a very brief summary of how I started my journey and how I came to write, what is now, a trilogy. My first book provides the meditation/visualization tools or healing modalities that I developed and used on my journey, as well as some basic insights and understandings needed when using them. The second book provides a host of insights and understandings related to healing and self-empowerment, as well as the three levels of healing that I’ve experienced and the insights associated with them. And my third book is an autobiography of my journey that outlines the trials and tribulations I went through to reach the levels of healing I’ve experienced, as well as numerous channeled messages that guided and helped me on my journey. The titles for these books can be found at the end of this section. For more information about my other books, blogs, or social media, or to contact me, please visit my website at shenreed.com

Mission Statement

I know that what I’ve found, others are also searching for and hope to find, and this is what I want to share. To find the love, joy and the magic in our Hearts and to share the expression of who we really are is true life. What I share is what I have lived and personally experienced, felt and know in my Heart, and can’t be studied in any present form and thus, the reason for writing my books. While this journey into the unknown can be frightening, it is also exciting as it feels right, with a simple knowing that can’t be described but is heartfelt.

I feel that my purpose and mission in this lifetime is that of a healer and a Wayshower, first as a healer of self, and then in helping and showing others how to heal and empower themselves. My vision and intent is to be a part of creating the New World from the inside out. By healing and changing the inside, we therefore empower ourselves to create the outer reality and world we desire with unconditional love, to allow those of us who choose to do so, to live life as an expression of who we really are, and not the illusion as we have been doing.

I believe that true healing can take place when we are in balance, when we can accept and express all our thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions and desires without fear, denial, judgment, guilt or shame. I believe that true freedom and self-empowerment can be actualized when we are able to be fully present, to live in the present or now moment, no longer controlled by our old imprints, programs and beliefs that limit our consciousness and our experience, and the expression of who we really are. This is my vision and desire for the New World, and of bringing Heaven to Earth. It is my intent that the thoughts, insights, feelings and emotions that I share, will not only expand your consciousness, but also activate your emotions and touch your Heart and in turn, assist you on your healing journey.

Although it took me eleven years to move from the first stirrings of awareness in my consciousness, through the process of finding the tools I needed, learning how to use them, to finally entering the gap and reaching my awakening point, that of bringing love and acceptance to the denied parts of me, it will not take you that long. I not only share the tools that I’ve developed and use, but I also share my personal experiences and insights that will help guide you on your journey. It is only your intent and dedication to heal and find self-love that will determine your journey.

John J. Rieger aka Shenreed

“Healing begins in the Heart”

Author of:

1. Journeys from the Heart Centre – Meditation as a tool for healing and Self-empowerment – is a how-to manual and guide that uses non-denial based meditation/visualizations as a tool to not only expand your conscious awareness, but to also allow you to seek the underlying causes to the stress, fears, and issues in your life and begin to heal them. It also includes notes, insights, and understandings to assist you on your personal journey.

2. My Journey - Three Levels of Healing – Feeling, healing and understanding Emotions – covers numerous topics and issues, and contains key insights and understandings into the nature of the human psyche that are vital in not only healing your Emotional Being, but also in unlocking the mystery of your Mind, how it works, and why it does what it does. Finally, I share three personal healing experiences that are directly related to the previous material.

3. Journey to the Heart Centre – Healing begins in the Heart – While considered an autobiography, it also contains numerous channeled messages from my Spirit guides. I begin with a brief background of my significant life events, and while my journey began in 1990, the main focus is on four years, (1997 - 2000) and the trials and tribulations I went through that enabled me to experience my first two levels of healing.

Table of Contents

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 - My Early Years

Notes:

Chapter 2 - Being Different

Being too Sensitive - Self-love

Ending the Battle

Laying Down Sword and Shield

Chapter 3 - Intent

Intent - Courage and Denial

Intent - Healing Begins in the Heart

Heart and Loving Intent - RUOW

Bent intent - Hidden Agenda - Ignorance

Bent Intent - Control

Loving and Unloving Intent

Chapter 4 - Living the Illusion

Battle of the Sexes

Confrontation and Intimidation

Body Excitement - Feelings and Sensations

Being Bored - Keeping Busy - Self-gratification

Love starved - Addicted to Hate

Accidents - Denial and Lessons

The Cycle of Abuse

Stages of Life - Lack of a Proper Role Model

Chapter 5 - Fear and Coping Habits

Fear of the Unknown and Expectations

Confusion - Doubt - Fear of Asking - Trust

Quick Fix - Chasing Shadows - Repeating Cycles

Presenting a False Image - False Bravado

Being the Joker - People Pleaser

Shame - False Pride - Being Perfect

Self-sacrifice and Forgiveness

Fighting for a Cause - Saving and Helping Others

Chapter 6 - Religion and Science

A Fundamental Flaw with Major Religions

The Golden Rule and Religions

Feeling Abandoned and Unloved by God

Religious Beliefs - Part Truths - Fuzzy Logic

New age - A Fundamentalist Type of Religion

Chapter 7 - Consciousness

Electromagnetic Energy - Frequency - Vibration

Conscious Awareness

Different Aspects of Consciousness

Polarity and Duality

Old World Mentality Pretending to be New

The Quickening and Awakening

Death and Consciousness

Born Ignorant - Mind Learning to Trust the Will

Chapter 8 - Spirit/Mind - Judgments

Judgments and Beliefs

Imprints, Programs and Beliefs

Judgments - Observations - Choice and Denial

Truth and Perfection

Minds Diversions and Avoidance

A Closed Mind

Taking Responsibility – Wrong Decision

Hindsights and Wanting a Quick Fix

The Value of Hindsight

Healing the Mind

Ego and Altered Ego

Chapter 9 – Soul/Will - False Will

Real, False and Explaining Emotions

False Will - False Emotions

Another Version of False Emotions

Body’s Feelings and Sensations

Feeling and Non-feeling People

Chapter 10 – Heart and Love

Heart, Love and Original Cause

Confusion About Love

Love - Conditional and Unconditional

Guilt and Shame

Heart and Heartlessness

Self-love – Self-hatred

Chapter 11 - Denial

Identifying Denials

Blinded by a Fog

Going in Circles

Denial and Expectation

Denial and Avoidance

The Unseen Role of Denial and Intent

Denial with a Twist - Little White Lies

Chapter 12 - Fragmentation

Confusion, Doubt and Denial

Fear and Fragmentation

Understanding Fear

Inner and outer Child - Shock and Fear

The Inner Child

The Outer Child

Chapter 13 - Attachments and Voices

Attachments and Denial

Lost Hopes - Dreams and Desires

Inner Voices - Mind control

Using the Other Voices

Chapter 14 - Control and Protection

Control and Blame

Methods Used to Control Others

Balance and Control

Control - Form Change

Chapter 15 - The Gap and Denial

Gapping Verses Being in the Now

Denied Terror and Denied Rage

Being Activated and in the Gap

Mirrors and Reflections

RUOW Misunderstandings on Healing the Gap

Chapter 16 - Heartbreak and Terror

Heartbreak and Anger

Betrayal - Trust and Forgiveness

Afraid to live - Controled and Limited

Chapter 17 - Anger and Rage

Real and Denied Anger and Rage

Denied Anger - Rage and Control

Spirit and Will Polarized Rage

Denied Rage in a Position of Power

Denied Anger and Rage Appearing Real

Passive Aggressive - Asking and Telling

Denied Rage and the Unseen Role of Denial

Expressing Denied Rage in Public and in Private

Another Way to Identify and Heal Denied Rage

Chapter 18 - Courage and Vulnerability

Having a Positive or Negative Attitude

Spirit as Causal - the Dilemma

Being Direct - Forthright and Real

An Issue of Trust

The plane of Reversal

Split Second Choice to End Denial

Freedom - Choice and Surrendering

Courage and the Watch Dog

Chapter 19 - The Healing Journey

Healing Cycles

Healing the Present - Healing Past Lives

Mini Healings - Baby Steps

Darkest Before the Dawn

Healing Begins in the Heart

Life Purpose and the Meaning of life

Manifesting Your Desires

Chapter 20 - Healing Level 1

General Background

Introduction

Stage 1 - Terror Activation and Release

Stage 2 - Healing Confirmation

Summary

Chapter 21 - Healing Level 2

Background Update

Introduction

Healing 2 - Fear of Expression

Summary

Chapter 22 - Healing Level 3

Background Update

Introduction

Healing 3 - Anger and Rage

Summary

Conclusion

About the Author